Great Problems!

• I woke up this morning and found out I'm a cheerleader
  
• I have no friends, no money, and no life
  
• I feel that I find men TOO attractive
  
• My cat has psychopathic episodes...what can i do??
  
• My brother ate a dime yesterday....when my mom called him worthless he started laughing and hasn't quit since
  
• I have a real problem with belly button lint
  
• How will I get to meet Michael Jackson again?
  
• I suffer of dreams about begin chased by the characters of Gillian's Island. Ginger is the one who always finds me but then she changes into my mother and tells be to eat my liver
  
• My wife has P.M.S and a gun
  
• I have a pet gerbil that my friends in the premed program sometimes like to perform minor surgery on
  
• My wife keeps nagging me about the blood oozing from my ears
  
• My house is made from Lime Jello, and one day it was real hot, and it melted
  
• I'm a cowboy stuck in a lawyers body
  
• How do I come out to my parents?
  
• my turtle died...i'm a firm believer in kryogenics...and i put him in my freezer hoping to bring him back when they find a cure
  
• My dog is psycho
  
• My Grandmother thinks she's Kathi Lee Gifford
  
• Hello? Is this Anne's House of Pancakes? I'd like to place an order
  
• I want a divorce
  
• My sister is obsessed with the Hanson Christmas album
  
• I can't come to school anymore because I can't find matching socks
  
• All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth
  
• I ate a chocolate bar and dropped the wrapper on the ground, now it's following me until I throw it away
  
• I was drinking a milkshake and accidentally swallowed the straw
  
• I love SPAM
  
• I peed in my swimming pool
  
• I am a Bingo addict
  
• My cat scored higher than me on the SAT and has a full scholarship to Harvard, while I'm stuck at a community college!
  
• My mommy took away my puppy dog....
  
• My chihuahua can jump a 5 foot fence, What do I do?
  
• My gigapuppy died........bummer!!!
  
• I ate the borrito that's been sitting in my fridge for the past two months
  
• I just can't seem to stop spanking chinchillas. It's becoming an obsession
  
• My fish is shedding hair all over the house
  
• A pencil's up the nose
  
• I licked the metal in my freezer and my tongue is stuck
  
• I am a homicidal maniac
  
• My cat keeps biting me in the leg in the middle of the night
  
• I ate a duck
  
• I'm a gay nazi* axe murder
  
• Every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my right eye
  
• The heartbreak of psoriasis
  
• I went on a rollercoaster and I think I left my stomach up there
  
• I have lost a limb
  
• I'm depressed, my 3 kids don't behave and my dog is an epiliptic
  
• I hate my husband
  
• My imaginary friend said I was boring and he ran away. Now I'm horribly depressed!!
  
• I accidently killed my brother, and my parents are out of town for the week. Is there some sort of store I can get a new brother at so my parents won't find out?
  
• I swallowed a cow
  
• I don't get it. People from New Jersey keep calling me and asking me how to get on the internet but they don't have modems. How can I make them go away???
  
• My friend has been brainwashed in a religious cult
  
• My Walrus think's he's a lap dog and keeps squishing my guests
  
• My heart stopped
  
• I recently started to glow in the dark, and it's been keeping me up all night
  
• Fear Of Bad Webpages
  
• I have a Jerry O'Connell fixation (and I haven't even seen Scream 2)
  
• Men are insensitive dogs
  
• I can't wake up when my boss comes to the office
  
• My wife just ran away with Bill Clinton
  
• I have several movie stars stalking me
  
• My Pez dispenser exploded and I accidentally ate the head of my Smurf dispenser
  
• I've lost my invisible cat. How do I get over the trauma?
  
• Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the damnedest time for a guy to get those odds?
  
• I love a girl but my toilet is jealous
  
• The voices keep telling me to listen to Placido Domingo
  
• I like to eat cats with garlic sauce
  
• I got my lips caught in the garbage disposal.....and it feels good!
  
• I feel like no one ever listens to me
  
• My Penguin isn't sensitive to my needs
  
• I keep getting killed on the Highway
  
• To maany peple hat mi spling
  
• My idol is Chewbacca from Star Wars. Is that okay?
  
• I keep slaming my head in the door
  
• My mouth is foaming with green slime
  
• It hurts when I put my right leg behind my head
  
• I have to pee
  
• My coffee grinder keeps telling me to do bad things
  
• I'm a complusive liar
  
• My birds don't respect me
  
• I get these kind of gripping headaches followed by voices telling me to do
  
• My coworkers abuse me...
  
• I accidentally nailed my finger to the wall, how do I get free?
  
• My dog won't stop barking
  
• I drink too much and I slosh when I walk
  
• My electric razor laughed at me this morning
  
• No matter where I go, there I am! I can't get away from myself!
  
• My silverware came alive and now has taken over my kitchen
  
• My car is leaking gorgonzola cheese
  
• My cat won't stop eating my hair at night, I'm almost bald!
  
• backwards everything do to seem I
  
• My chickens got into my tuna
  
• I ingested a tennis ball and my hair is slowly being replaced with yellow fuzz!
  
• My hamster is addicted to internet porn
  
• My dog takes up the whole bed and won't share
  
• I swallowed a watermelon seed and people think I'm pregnant
  
• I seem to have become two dimensional
  
• None of my problems seem good enough for you. It's giving me a complex
  
• This girl I know keep on trying to replace my coffee with hydrocloric acid...and...I'm allergic to hydrocloric acid!!!
  
• My dog is confused; he thinks he's a reindeer
  
• I only THINK you're reading this
  
• I can't wash all that blood out of my clothes
  
• My cat swallowed a puppy
  
• I think I'm mutating into a cheerleader
  
• My hairy palms have dandruff
  
• I have a hamster who got a tumor and died. I can't admit he is dead. I put him under my pillow when I sleep at night and carry him in my pocket when I am at school now he is starting to smell
  
• I want to marry Yoda
  
• I have a horrible fear of loose change. Whenever I buy something and receive change, I run screaming out of the store
  
• I can't stop eating cheese
  

*This is not meant to be offensive to any nazis, gays, or axe murderers. Sorry.
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