Episode 215
Original airdate: January 20, 2000
Performers: Wayne Brady, Kathy Greenwood, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Overview
Questions Only: at a nudist wedding
Sound Effects: Ryan provides sounds for Colin the wild west sheriff
Props: Kathy and Ryan have a foam four-fingered hand, Wayne and Colin have a
pickaxe-shaped green object
News Flash: Kathy and Ryan talk to Colin, who is in front of maggots
Greatest Hits: Colin and Ryan pitch "Songs of the Attorney" as sung by Wayne
Foreign Film Dub: Drew and Kathy perform "Bikini Jones" in Swedish,
translated by Colin and Ryan
Credits: Wayne and Kathy as cheerleaders
Did you notice...
Scott Robinson:
...Questions Only is edited at the end?
...Ryan wipes the microphone on the floor after Sound Effects, and then
wipes his mouth?
...you can see Cece walk away from the instruments as Colin goes to the
green screen?
...the shadow of the crane camera on the green screen?
...the banjo in "Sequester This" is actually coming from Linda's electric
keyboard?
References
"Start Me Up" (song)
"Honky Tonk Woman" (song)
"Gimme Shelter" (song)
"19th Nervous Breakdown" (song)
- Rolling Stones songs referenced in the introductions
"A Christmas Carol" (book)
- Wayne imitates Tiny Tim
Episode transcript
DREW: Good evening everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On
tonight's show: Start me up. Wayne Brady! Honky tonk woman. Kathy Greenwood!
Gimme shelter. Colin Mochrie! And here comes your 19th nervous breakdown.
Ryan Stiles! I am your host, Drew Carey, come on down, let's have some fun.
Hello. Good evening, welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, points are
stupid. Points don't matter, the points don't mean a thing. It's like the
censor on "The Donnie and Marie Show." You know, you don't really need it,
but you know, we got it. If you never saw the show before, what happens is
these guys are going to come up, they're going to make everything up for you
right off the top of their heads. And then I give them points after each
game. I don't know why, it's just a little thing to tie the show together,
who knows. And... (laughing) Then bringing a new meaning to the word
"winner," at the end of the show the winner gets to do something special with
me.
(Ryan starts to pray, "Please not me.")
DREW: That's right. "Please don't let me be the winner, please don't let me
be the winner." And the loser has to drive the goat back to the farm. So...
if you're ready, let's get the show started. We're going to start with a game
called Questions Only. This is for all four of you. Kathy and Wayne, you're
going to start out. They're going to start a scene, they can only have their
conversation speaking in questions. This makes a great party game. If you're
at a party with no chicks or booze, you can do this game. And they can only
use questions, and if one of them goes wrong, I'll buzz them out and the
other one takes their place. They have, a little contest we have, see who can
stay out here the longest. They can only speak in questions. And the scene
is, it's a wedding at a nudist colony. A wedding at a nudist colony. So
questions only, go ahead.
KATHY: Are you a friend of the bride or the groom?
WAYNE: Does this look good?
KATHY: My goodness, you have to ask?
WAYNE: Hey, after they get married, you want to get married?
KATHY: You're asking me to marry you?
WAYNE: Hey, stand back. Please. (buzz) Would you?
(Colin replaces Wayne)
COLIN: Can you help me with my tie?
KATHY: Well, if this is where you want to put it.
(Drew holds the buzzer. It takes Kathy a couple seconds to realize that
wasn't a question.)
KATHY: Oh!
(Ryan replaces Kathy)
RYAN: Guess who's the best man?
COLIN: Can I have three guesses?
RYAN: (singing) Why don't you tell me you love me?
COLIN: What the hell was that?
RYAN: Any idea how you can keep these pigeons off here? (he swings at where
a long, erect body part would be)
COLIN: Can you look less like a worm?
RYAN: What's that supposed to mean?
COLIN: What do you think it means?
RYAN: Were you invited here?
COLIN: Who can say?
(Ryan laughs and walks off) (buzz)
(Kathy replaces Ryan)
KATHY: Have you seen the bride?
COLIN: What does she look like?
KATHY: She looks like she's run away. (buzz)
DREW: Questions Only we're playing. Questions Only.
(Ryan replaces Kathy)
RYAN: Does she look like she's run away?
COLIN: Who?
RYAN: The br... isn't it obvious I'm talking about the bride?
COLIN: How can you tell her apart from all the other women?
RYAN: Aren't you the minister?
COLIN: Isn't the collar a dead giveaway?
RYAN: Why just a collar?
(Colin laughs and leaves) (buzz)
(Wayne replaces Colin)
WAYNE: Have you seen my pigeon?
(Wayne then points to an area in front of Ryan's waist. He leans over, picks
up the pigeon, and pets it.)
(Ryan laughs and leaves)
(buzzer)
DREW: Okay, that's it, thank you very much.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW: That was wonderful. A thousand points apiece for whatever you just did
right there.
WAYNE: Whoo!
DREW: Now let's go on to a game called Sound Effects. It's for Colin and
Ryan. Colin's going to improvise a scene, he has to respond to sound effects
made by Ryan. We got him his own microphone 'cause he spits so much. The
scene is, "In the wild west, though new sheriff Colin..." I like how...
RYAN: Another sheriff?
DREW: Yeah, I like how they give you the titles, like "Hi, I'm sheriff
Colin." "Tough new sheriff Colin, on an urgent mission to clean up the town,
arrives at the saloon." So you're a sheriff, and you're coming to clean up
the town, and you're in a saloon. That's your scene, you're going to do the
sound effects.
(Colin is riding a horse. With a little difficulty, he manages to stop, and
dismounts. Upon reaching the ground, the horse immediately gallops away.
Colin starts running, catches up to the horse, jumps back on, and pulls the
reins to stop it again. He gets off and ties it to a post. He then presses
the button on what appears to be a car alarm activator, except it makes a
gunshot sound. The horse falls to the ground with a plop. Colin walks around,
spurs rattling, and opens the saloon's squeaky doors. Upon entering, he can
hear a piano player playing a lively tune. Colin looks around, music still
playing, walks over, and smacks the piano player in the head to get him to
stop. He steps up to the bar, signals for a drink, and prepares to catch it.
The drink slides past him and onto the floor. A second drink slides past him
onto the floor, so Colin signals for the bartender to quit. He blows up a
glove of some sort, signals to the bartender, and catches the drink as it's
slid to him this time. As he finishes his drink and wipes his mouth, gunshots
can be heard, followed by the squeaky door to the saloon. Colin meanders to
one side of the stage, looks across, and mumbles to the villain. A woman
begins to cry hysterically, so Colin grabs her, leans her backwards, and
kisses her. He places her back on a barstool. Colin points to the villain in
the shape of a gun, and licks the tips of his fingers on both hands in
preparation. He takes the gun from his left holster and spins it around on
his finger. He flips it in the air to his other hand, where it keeps
spinning. He then spins the gun under his leg and behind his back until it
flies off and hits a guy on the other side of the stage. Colin walks over,
retrieves his gun, and apologizes. The woman starts to cry again. Colin grabs
the person on the barstool and leans over to kiss again. A man with a deep,
raspy voice says, "Hey, what's the big idea?!". Colin quickly places the man
back on the barstool, wipes his tongue, grabs a drink, gargles, and spits it
onto the floor. Colin moves back into position for the gunfight, with his
hands held up above his holsters. A noise can be heard. Colin looks down and
pulls up his pants. With Colin ready to fight again, the piano player starts
playing. Colin, annoyed, looks over at the piano player and shoots him.)
(buzzer)
DREW: (looking at the microphone Ryan used) You know, I've seen less germs
on the pole at the strip club.
RYAN: That's why I use protection on the mic.
DREW: Man, this thing is soaked. (he puts the mic down) If I had a nickel
for every time I said that, huh?
RYAN: You'd have a dime.
DREW: I'd have a dime. Let's go on to a game called Props. This is for Ryan
and Kathy, and Colin and Wayne, why don't you go to your respective places.
Ryan and Kathy, come get your prop.
(Drew throws a foam object that looks like a four-fingered hand onto the
floor. Wayne laughs.)
DREW: Oh, keep laughing, here's your prop.
(Drew gives him a green pickaxe-shaped object.)
DREW: And what they have to do is they have to go back and forth as quickly
as they can and make up funny things to do with their props. And I'll buzz in
between. Ryan and Kathy, why don't you start.
(Ryan holds his prop in the air)
RYAN: We're number four! We're number four! (buzz)
(Colin places his prop hanging down from his nose)
COLIN: Got a Kleenex? (buzz)
(Kathy places the prop to her chest, "fingers" down)
RYAN: Kathy, you're getting carried away with this implant thing. (buzz)
(Wayne uses his prop as a crutch)
WAYNE: Mr. Scrooge... (He hops on one foot and the crutch. Colin kicks it out
from beneath his arm and he falls to the floor.) (buzz)
(Ryan has the prop sticking up from the top of his head)
RYAN: What do you mean, punk's dead? (buzz)
(Colin gives Wayne the prop)
COLIN: You ordered some green tea? (buzz)
(Ryan folds the "fingers" in and squats behind the prop. Kathy pours water on
him, and he rises so he's standing, letting the "fingers" bloom.) (buzz)
(Colin has the prop on his arm, curved side downward)
COLIN: (imitating Popeye) Uh guh guh guh guh guh. (buzz)
(Ryan folds the two outermost "fingers" in and waves the prop)
RYAN: No more war! No more war! (buzz)
(the prop's curved part is on the floor and the long part is up to Wayne's
mouth)
WAYNE: Oooohhhhhh... Ricola... (buzz)
(Ryan has the prop hanging down from his chin. Kathy picks up an ax and
chases him, with Ryan gobbling.) (buzz)
(Colin holds the prop above their heads and rotates it)
COLIN: And it looks like the Hollywee freeway is all jammed up.
WAYNE: Hollywood.
COLIN: Hollywood. Yeah yeah, whatever.
(Ryan places the large hand over his hand)
RYAN: Hey... (the foam hand brushes against Kathy's backside) Sorry, I'm all
hands. (buzz)
(Colin is turning the top of the curved end)
COLIN: Next time get a smaller bottle of wine. (buzz)
(Ryan has the foam hand over his own. He squats on the ground, points two
fingers down below his waist, then places the foam hand in front of him.)
(buzz)
(Colin has the long part sticking up from the ground, the curved part curved
toward him. He pedals.)
COLIN: I don't know why two of us have to be on the paper route.
WAYNE: Hurry up!
(buzzer)
DREW: Hey, we're going to go see a commercial, we'll be right back with more
"Whose Line is it Anyway?" Don't go anywhere.
DREW: Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the point... the show
where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the
points just don't matter, like pick-up lines to Brad Pitt. I mean, maybe you
could use them, but you don't really need to. Okay, moving on, we're going to
go to a game called News Flash. This is for Kathy, Ryan, and Colin. Kathy and
Ryan, you're going to be two news anchors in a studio. Colin, you're going to
be the roving field reporter, cover the breaking news story. Now see, Colin
is in front of a thing we call a green screen. And what happens on the green
screen effect, it's just like they do with your television weather on your
local news, is we project thing on the green screen, on the TV, but all Colin
sees is this big thing of green. No matter what he does, even if he turns
around and looks at it, all he's ever going to see is green. But we see what
he's looking at here on TV, and on the monitors in the studio, and he has to
try to guess what's behind him. He can't see any of the monitors. And Kathy
and Ryan are going to give hints to him. And see if he can guess. Now, Colin,
Kathy, Ryan, whenever you guys are ready, go ahead and start.
RYAN: Was it another girl and a man, or two men?
KATHY: No, it was another girl and a...
RYAN: Oh, we're there. We interrupt this program for a special news
bulletin.
(Colin is standing in front of maggots. Lots and lots of maggots.)
RYAN: We now take you out into the field, who's our reporter out there
today, Kathy?
KATHY: Today it's award-winning war correspondent Colin Mochrie. Colin, how
did you find yourself in this situation?
COLIN: My bus took a wrong turn somewhere.
(The scene switches to a shot with the camera sweeping over a field of
maggots. Kathy covers her mouth and the audience moans.)
COLIN: It's very hard for me to keep my professionalism, I'm very very
frightened.
(The scene changes to show a worker with thick rubber gloves digging through
the maggots. The audience moans again.)
KATHY: I don't blame...
COLIN: As you can hear, there's lots of stuff going on that's not meeting
with popular demand.
RYAN: Colin, it does...
(Ryan is stopped when the scene changes to a tight close-up of a few maggots
squirming around.)
RYAN: Colin, it does not look good. How did this whole thing start?
COLIN: Well, it all started with a bad concert review, and it just
degenerated into this. I am shocked, I am almost disgusted by what I am
looking at.
RYAN: I think we can all say the same thing.
(Ryan abruptly stops as the image changes to a close-up of maggots swimming
inside a muddy yellow, bubbling liquid.)
KATHY: I can barely even talk to you, I mean, it's a rotten situation.
COLIN: Oh, it certainly is. I am... well, look. I mean, I'm so disgusted, I
feel like just walking away from this entire thing.
RYAN: Uh, Colin... (he laughs with genuine discomfort) Let me say first that
we're all disgusted here in the studio by what we're seeing.
(The scene changes to a close-up of maggots feasting on something that used
to be alive, but now isn't. There's a huge reaction from the audience.)
RYAN: Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh my.
KATHY: My gosh.
(the scene behind Colin changes to show many maggots in all colors of the
rainbow)
RYAN: Well, look at the festive colors.
COLIN: It is pretty exciting, I hear there's going to be drinks later.
(the scene shows hundreds of maggots squirming around a light brown
pudding-like mass)
RYAN: It seems... (more uncomfortable laughter) are you indeed.
COLIN: Yes.
RYAN: Colin, I'd like to ask you another question, but I'm afraid if I open
my mouth, I might vomit.
COLIN: You mind if I eat?
(He takes something from his back pocket and begins to eat it. Close-ups of
maggots squirming are still in the background. Kathy and Ryan cover their
eyes.)
COLIN: (still eating) I didn't have time, to get the...
(the buzzer interrupts him)
DREW: I'm going to have you take a guess of where you're standing.
COLIN: Big group of maggots?
DREW: Yes! (buzzer)
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW: And you can't show people smoking on TV. But you can show that.
RYAN: Oh, Lord.
KATHY: Aye yi yi.
DREW: So one trillion points. One trillion points! Eat my dust, Regis! Eat
my dust! (buzz) Now we're going to play a great game called Greatest Hits.
This is for Ryan, Colin, and Wayne, with the help of Laura, Linda, and Cece.
Laura, Linda, and Cece. Colin and Ryan, you're going to be two TV commercial
guys, and they're going to be talking about the latest compilation album
you're trying to sell. And they're going to make up names of the songs and
the style of music and tell Wayne to sing it and Wayne's going to try to sing
whatever they say. What we need from the audience is something that you'd
look to find in the Yellow Pages.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Dog groomer, attor... attorney. "Songs of the Attorney." Let's hear
the new, let's hear about the new big hit album, "Songs of the Attorney."
Good luck.
COLIN: Hi, we'll soon return you to the dyslexic theater production of "Bitty
Bitty Chang Chang" in just a second. But first, we have a special offer for
you.
RYAN: My attorney got me a million dollars. No he didn't, but you'll feel
like a million dollars when you buy our new 3-CD set all about the attorney.
Fifty-two songs on three CDs, huh?
COLIN: Why, that divides evenly, doesn't it?
RYAN: It sure does.
COLIN: When I was a young boy growing up in kibbutz, my grandmother used to
sing me Yiddish folk songs about attorneys.
RYAN: Really?
COLIN: Yes. And the words still ring in my head as though it were twenty
years ago. And one of my favorites of all time was "Sue Him. Sue Him Big."
(music begins)
WAYNE: Listen to me darling, and listen to this song
If somebody hurts you, oh they might do you wrong
There's only one thing that you can do
You've got to sue, and sue him big
Hey!
Let me tell you something, listen to mom
Because if it hurts you, listen to this psalm
If they hurt you, you know-yi-yi you've got to sue big
Because you've got to sue, sue, sue
That's what you got to do, got to sue
I've been with you from the cradle
Oy my goodness, dreidel dreidel dreidel
Just sue, sue, oy got to sue
Call me sometime.
RYAN: Suddenly I feel like having a matzo.
COLIN: Oh, I miss my booby.
RYAN: You know, this CD set is selling so good in the west and up north, but
we're trying to get our southern friends to buy this, too. (slowly) So we're
going to talk slower. (normally) And we've got a song on this CD set for you,
that great jug band hit, "Sequester This."
(music begins)
WAYNE: Well, you know in school sometimes there's a semester
When you're in a case you've got to sequester
That's when you move from state's aid, and you know you're in denial
Because you've done some wrong, can't get a fair trial
You've got to sequester over there or sequester over here
You've got to sequester in someplace else that I know that is not
clear
Because if you can do it, you'll never get your case heard
And now I'm going to do this
(Wayne pauses. When the music reaches where the end of that last line should
be, it stops. At the same time, Wayne picks up a jug and blows on it. He gets
one note out and stops since the music quit. He looks at the band, then back
at the camera.)
WAYNE: My jug broke.
RYAN: Just flip disc one over, you get the other half of that song.
COLIN: That's right. It also comes with "Dick Clark's Practical Jokes and Jug
Band Bloopers." You know, would you pay over two hundred bucks for this
collection?
RYAN: Well, I wouldn't. (they laugh)
COLIN: And what about us, who only have one network show? You know, when I
was a young boy, I had a dog named Joe. And whenever he'd get too far away,
I'd put on a Yoko Ono record and he would come running back really quickly.
And luckily, that song is on this album. The great Yoko Ono attorney hit,
"Attorneeeeee(voice cracking)eeeeeeeeey."
(music begins)
WAYNE: When I met John, what could I do
I broke up The Beatles, they wanted to sue
So I got myself a lawyer, and they did too
I believe this is what a lawyer's called, I tell you
Attorneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey
(hitting a gong) Bong
Attorneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey
(hitting a gong) Bong
(he holds a very high-pitched note that sounds like a scream)
DREW: We'll be right back, we're going to find out who the winner is, don't
go away.
DREW: Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner are
everybody but Wayne. Everybody but Wayne is a winner tonight. And so we're
going to do a game for you called Foreign Film Dub. And Kathy and I are going
to do it, and these guys are going to translate. We're going to pretend to
speak in a foreign language. Course, we don't know any. And Ryan's going to
translate for me, Colin's going to translate for Kathy. What foreign language
you'd like to see us...
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Swedish.
KATHY: Swedish.
DREW: Swedish is good. We'll do Swedish. And if you were a Swedish action
film director, what would the name of your movie be?
(audience yells suggestions)
RYAN: "Look Out, Snow."
DREW: What was that one? "Bikini Jones," I like that one better. Oh, "Look
Out, Snow" -- a Bikini Jones movie. In Swedish.
WAYNE: A Quinn Martin Production.
DREW: Okay, ready? Here we go. Vernda harda varda, barnda Jones.
KATHY: Dar kishnip...
RYAN: You look hot. Very hot.
KATHY: ...dadar kishda binga.
COLIN: You know it, baby.
DREW: Darga dinga harnda vernda harga dinvern haynay. (he takes off his
jacket)
RYAN: I bet you can't wait to see my thong.
KATHY: Faulten ner horsnik.
COLIN: You're so wrong.
DREW: Vernda hertning da hernta verta ding dong.
RYAN: I love you so very much, but I've had too many meatballs.
KATHY: Ittada darkay dededu boolay estonde de verindo de durkay bargaygayg.
COLIN: Oh, you're not too bad.
DREW: (while massaging Kathy's shoulders) Varnten. Vernta herta Ikea varta
varta varnta unbelievable prices.
RYAN: Thank you.
KATHY: Ah, ishaka barnday (pantomiming snow falling) hayva veshna shno shno
shno vahahahaha.
COLIN: Look at the snow. We must run out there and melt it.
(Kathy and Drew go outside and run)
DREW: Varnda harda varda. (he slides his feet to spray snow to both sides)
RYAN: I feel like I'm on "Baywatch."
KATHY: Burshtay bonday eshta da (she pretends to take off her pants) oing
gubububu dugay.
COLIN: Take off your clothes, wear the bikini. It feels so good.
(Drew cries and mumbles while taking off his suspenders)
RYAN: Sadly, I have but one nipple to give.
(buzzer)
DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right after this. Don't go
anywhere.
(Ryan picks Drew's jacket up off the floor)
RYAN: Here you go, Mr. Brown.
(Ryan drapes the jacket over Drew's shoulders. Drew then stands fully up,
knocking the jacket off, and starts dancing.)
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" We're going to end the show
tonight with Wayne and Kathy reading the credits for you. And I want you to
read the credits as two cheerleaders at a national competition. Good night
everybody, thanks for watching, see you later.
WAYNE: Are you ready for Dan Patterson, give me a D!
KATHY: I'm ready, ready, go Denise O'Donoghue!
WAYNE: Mark Leveson and Arthur Forrest! Tom Park, Tom Park, Ruth Phillips!
KATHY: And Mary Connelly! Mary Connelly!
WAYNE: Drew, Drew! Drew, Drew! Everybody, Linda Taylor, Laura Hall! Drew,
Drew!
KATHY: Hey, give me Keith Richmond!
WAYNE: And Eve McGorrill and Alison Sideris!
KATHY: Whoo, Alison! Alison! Alison!
WAYNE: Camera operators! Whoo!
KATHY: All right! All right! All right!
WAYNE: Pyramid! Pyramid!
(Wayne gets on all fours. Kathy puts her knee on his back and poses.)
(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)