Episode 224

Original airdate: December 9, 1999
Performers: Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Change of Cast: Greg, Colin, and Ryan are breaking out of Alcatraz --
  professional wrestlers, Baywatch lifeguards, catalog models, weightless
  astronauts, New York cops, game show hosts
Song Styles: Wayne sings to Maile the talent agency secretary as Ray Charles
Props: Colin and Ryan have two large blue unicorn-like horns, Greg and Wayne
  have two large Pringle-shaped objects
Weird Newscasters: Greg hosts, Colin is bitter, Wayne is arrested, Ryan is a
  sumo wrestler
Moving People: Colin and Ryan are competing surfers
Hoedown: shoplifting
90-Second Alphabet: Drew, Colin, and Ryan are at the Kentucky Derby
Credits: Greg and Ryan are film trailer voiceovers

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...they reuse the shot of Greg folding his arms and nodding his head while
      Drew explains the show (it can also be seen in 204)?
   ...Colin uses Drew's "if I had a nickel" line?
   ...Wayne only rhymes three times in Song Styles?
   ...after Moving People, you can see Colin's Party Quirks envelope?
   ...Drew screws up Alphabet twice?

References

"Vs." (TV)
   - Greg hosted it, and Drew mentions it
"Rabbit Fire", "Rabbit Seasoning", and "Duck! Rabbit, Duck!" (TV)
   - Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck argue over the hunting season
"Superman" (comic book)
   - Lois, x-ray vision
Pringles
   - Greg recites their slogan
"The Fly" (film)
   - "Help me!"
"Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" (film)
   - Colin mentions Jar Jar Binks
"Eyes Wide Shut" (film)
   - "Thighs Wide Shut"
"Livin' La Vida Loca" (song)
   - the english translation is "Living the Crazy Life"
?
   - no Britney Spears songs seem to match Greg's reference in Weird
     Newscasters

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's
show: Please rise for our national anthem. Greg Proops! Mister seventh-inning
stretch. Wayne Brady! He's being pulled for a right-hander. Colin Mochrie!
And peanuts, get your peanuts. It's Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host Drew
Carey, come on down, let's have some fun. Thank you very much, good evening.
Hello, welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the
show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right,
the points don't matter, just like a stripper's name.
(Greg gets up and leaves in anger)
DREW:  And what happens if you never saw the show before is these four
performers are going to come up, they're going to make everything up right
off the top of their heads based on suggestions from the audience and what's
written on these cards here, they've never seen the cards before, it's the
first time they're going to hear these suggestions. And then we give them
points at the end of each game which don't mean a thing, it's just a little
gag to hold the show together, and then at the end of the show we pick a
winner, the winner gets to do a little something special, and the loser gets
to watch. I love being the loser. Let's start off with a game called Change
of Cast. This is for Ryan, Colin, and Greg. And you guys are going to act out
a scene, but when I buzz, you're going to have to take on the characteristics
of a new cast of characters. And they're all in this comedy bag right here.
Look how funny the bag is. Now, the scene you're going to start out as
normal, and I'll buzz in with the other thing... you're three prisoners
breaking out of Alcatraz.
(Greg starts picking away at something)
GREG:  You know, we're on an island. Maybe a tunnel's not a good idea.
RYAN:  I've got some air, we're going to inflate Colin when we get outside
the walls and float to shore on him.
GREG:  Perfect, stick the nozzle in.
(buzz)
DREW:  Professional wrestlers.
COLIN: You stick that nozzle in me and I'll break your head!
GREG:  He's going to put that nozzle in you! Tonight and every night!
RYAN:  Next Wednesday you're getting the nozzle in you!
(Greg puts his arm around Colin's neck and prepares to attack)
(buzz)
DREW:  "Baywatch" lifeguards.
GREG:  Breathe, breathe, breathe.
(Colin rubs lotion on his chest)
RYAN:  The tunnel, it's clear. Let's go.
(they all run in slow motion)
(buzz)
DREW:  Catalog models.
GREG:  I think we should escape over there. (he poses and points)
RYAN:  Careful. Watch the search light, watch the search light.
(They all pose. Greg and Ryan change positions three times.)
(buzz)
DREW:  Weightless astronauts.
GREG:  He's floating away.
RYAN:  Quick. Get on Colin.
COLIN: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.
(buzz)
DREW:  New York cops.
(Greg and Ryan frisk Colin. Colin eats doughnuts and coffee.)
GREG:  He's clean.
RYAN:  All right, looks like we're free. Looks like we're off that island.
GREG:  Right, we're free.
(buzz)
DREW:  Hey, here's a good one. Game show hosts.
GREG:  Well, now that you've got your freedom, what are you going to do with
it? (Ryan buzzes in) Yes?
RYAN:  I'm going to take a vacation.
GREG:  That's absolutely correct, and what do we have for him?
(buzzer)
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  That was kind of cheating for Greg, since he is a game show host every
night at five on Comedy Central, so no points for you.
(the audience "aww"s)
DREW:  The points don't matter.
GREG:  Oh.
DREW:  No points for you. And a billion zillion points for everyone else. Now
let's go on... let's go on to a game called Song Styles. This is for Wayne
with Laura Hall on piano and Linda Taylor on guitar. Okay, right here. What's
your name? What's your name?
MAILE: Maile.
DREW:  Maile. Nice to meet you, Maile. What do you do for a living?
MAILE: I work at an agency.
DREW:  You work at an agency. What kind of an agency?
MAILE: Talent.
DREW:  A talent agency, doing what?
MAILE: Secretary work.
DREW:  Secretary work at a talent agency. Okay Maile, come on, follow me
right up here, meet Wayne Brady. Say hi to Wayne. Wayne, this is Maile.
Maile. Maile's a secretary at a talent agency. So hey, maybe we can get some
work out of her. And you're going to sing to her in the style of Ray Charles.
WAYNE: Okay.
(music begins)
WAYNE: Hey girl, give me what you got
       Can I give you my head shot?
       Oh girl, hey hey hey
       All right now, I like you, girl
       My picture won't you take
       Been in this town and I need a big break
       Oh girl, hey hey
       All right, da-da-da-da-da-da-da yeah
       Oh, I know you wanted to be an actress, oh don't be a slob
       But it's because you can't act at all, that's why you got a secretary
         job
       Oh girl, won't you help me out
       I'm going to play the piano for you now.
       (he plays, doing fancy hand motions, playing behind his back, and
       playing with his face)
       Hey girl, why don't you help me out
       Thank you.
(He goes to shake her hand, but misses. He waves his hands until he finds
it.)
DREW:  Thank you. Thank you. Thousand points to Laura Hall and Linda Taylor
for that one, that was really great. Now let's go on to a game called Props.
This is for everybody. Ryan and Colin, this is your prop. Right here. (Wayne
laughs) And you're laughing now, 'cause this is your prop. There you go.
That's really funny. Ha ha ha.
(Colin and Ryan have two large blue unicorn horn-shaped objects. Greg and
Wayne have two large Pringle-shaped objects.)
DREW:  They have to make up as many funny things as they can with the props,
back and forth, as fast as they can, starting with Colin and Ryan.
(the two props are placed standing on the floor)
RYAN:  Today we bury Jimmy the elf. (buzz)
(Wayne holds the props together like a duck's bill)
WAYNE: Rabbit season, duck season, bam. (he moves the props to the side of
his face) You're despicable. (buzz)
COLIN: Stand back, Lois, I'm going to use my x-ray vision. (he holds the
props up to his eyes) (buzz)
(Wayne has the props behind his back like wings)
GREG:  Are you the good fairy?
WAYNE: Mm-hmm. (buzz)
(Colin holds the props so they slope down)
COLIN: You know, now that Madonna's eighty... (buzz)
(Greg and Wayne each hold a prop)
GREG:  Yeah man, once you pop, you just can't stop. (buzz)
(Ryan and Colin pretend they're in two race cars, with each using one prop as
a stick shift) (buzz)
(Greg holds the props up to his eyes)
GREG:  Help me. Help me. (buzz)
(Colin holds the prop up on its pointed end)
COLIN: Really small twister! (buzz)
(Wayne holds the props up to his ears)
GREG:  Prince Charles, can I have your autograph? (buzz)
(Colin holds the props up to his ears)
COLIN: Get that Jar Jar Binks out of here. (buzz)
GREG:  Wayne, Wayne, before you go on your date... (he gives Wayne a prop)
(buzzer)
DREW:  We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after
this. Don't go anywhere.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. Hey, if you're keeping
score at home, have we got a surprise for you. Tomorrow we're giving away a
free fill-up at every gas station in America. Drive to your local gas
station, get your free tank of gas, and tell them "Whose Line" sent you. Glad
to do it for you. I'm Drew Carey, your host, star of the movie "Thighs Wide
Shut." Now let's play a game called Weird Newscasters. This is for all four
of you. Greg, you're the anchor of a news show. Colin, you're the co-anchor.
You're the bitter co-anchor, verbalizing your inner thoughts. Wayne, you're
doing the sports. You're getting arrested. You know.
(Wayne lifts his right fist into the air)
DREW:  Hey. And Ryan, you're doing the weather. And you're a sumo wrestler.
RYAN:  Yes!
DREW:  So Greg, whenever you hear the music, start the news.
(news music)
GREG:  Good evening everybody, I'm Totally Upforit. And this is the Action
News. In our headlines, Ricky Martin accused of living a crazy life. And
Britney Spears claims that she's no longer yours. Colin?
COLIN: Oh, it's my turn, is it?
GREG:  Yes.
COLIN: Thanks. Thanks for taking the top stories. I'm stuck with the dog
story.
GREG:  The dog story is...
COLIN: Shut up. Oh shut up, just do it. Do it.
GREG:  Well...
COLIN: Oh, so he does it.
GREG:  Thank you. Thank you Colin, those are certainly things we'll think
about as the newscast goes on. Now let's throw it over to sports with big
Wayne. Wayne, what's on tap for us, big boy?
WAYNE: (driving) Well, it appears that this week in... (he looks in the
rear-view mirror) oh, crap. That this week in sports... (he pulls over) it's
been another lockdown, and the other... (he has a bright line shined in his
face, and he gets out his driver's license) the other teams are going to...
but I'm doing the newscast. (he gets roughed around) One second, Greg. (He
gets out of the car and is punched. He reaches into the car and pulls out a
video camera.) I thought so. Now, it appears that the soccer team is... (he
has his arms pulled behind his back, is handcuffed, and is forced onto his
knees) Hey, hey. And that's all for the sports today. It appears that I won't
be able to do sports for a very, very long time. It'll be just me and Bubba
doing sports together. (he mouths "Help me, help me, I don't want to go" to
the camera)
GREG:  Well, we look forward to hearing from you again in five to ten. Colin,
don't you think that would be appropriate after...
(Colin mocks Greg's speech)
GREG:  Well, a kitten was saved from a tree today in Covina, and that brings
us to weather. With Ryan over at the big map. Ryan, what's in store for us
this weekend?
RYAN:  Well, thank you, Greg. Let's take a look at the weather. (he throws
salt on the floor) We've got some sunny days ahead on the weekend. (he raises
each leg and lets it drop) Looks like it's going to clear up (he starts to
wrestle) into the weekend, into the weekend. Into the weekend it's going to
clear up. (he turns around and pulls up on his pants) It's going to clear up
into the weekend. Into the weekend, into the weekend. (he is pushed to the
floor and rolls down the steps) And back to you, Greg. (he pulls up on his
pants)
GREG:  Well, we'll be back at eleven, but stay tuned next for America's
Favorite Satanists. That's been the news, good night.
(buzzer)
DREW:  A million points to Wayne Brady for reliving that awful day in West
Covina.
WAYNE: It wasn't that day.
DREW:  Oh, I'm sorry. That awful day in Thousand Oaks. Let's go on to a
game... oh, I think I know just the people for this one. This is for Colin
and Ryan, and the game is called Moving People. And let's wander on up into
the audience right here. We're going to find you and you. Come on down.
What's your name?
SEBASTIAN: Sebastian.
DREW:  Sebastian, nice to meet you, Sebastian, come on down. And what's your
name?
SHERRY: Sherry.
DREW:  Sherry. Sherry and Sebastian, come on down. Pick out your favorite
improv-er. Pick out your favorite improv-er, this is Sherry and Sebastian,
we're going to play a game called Moving People. And if you haven't seen this
before, they're like mannequins. They can't move unless you move them. So you
can put them in any position you want right now. So go ahead, put them in any
position you want. Yeah. That's how you do it.
(Sebastian bends both of Colin's arms to stick out forward, but also away
from his sides. He then bends Colin forward by the waist. Sherry places
Ryan's right hand on his neck and moves his left leg forward. She places his
left hand on his hip.)
DREW:  Okay, that's good right there, we'll start like that. The game's
called Moving People, and the scene is, Ryan and Colin, you're two surfers
who are fighting over a girl, and you've challenged each other to ride the
big wave. Can't move unless you move them, so go ahead, Ryan, Colin, Sherry,
and Sebastian.
(Colin is moved to stand upright again)
COLIN: I'm buffing my surfboard.
RYAN:  You'd better catch up, buddy, I'm already on the wave. (his left hand
is extended forward) And my pulse is racing. (he is turned to his left) Dig
these moves. (his right hand is extended back)
(Colin's left hand is raised up, palm out, and he is turned toward Ryan)
COLIN: You think it's easy surfing on the palm... on the... I don't have a
board and I'm surfing. I'm going to put my board in the water right now.
(both of Ryan's hands are placed on his rear end)
RYAN:  My butt could not be tighter.
COLIN: All right, watch me jump right onto my board! When I say "jump." (his
right leg is moved forward)
(Ryan's left hand is placed on his stomach)
RYAN:  Stop. You're making my side hurt. All right, Jim, you want a
competition?
COLIN: All right.
RYAN:  I'll race you to the beach. First one there gets Susan.
COLIN: All right.
RYAN:  And I'm not even going to look at you when I tell you that. (his legs
are slowly moved forward)
COLIN: What do you say we head out there?
RYAN:  Which way's that, my friend?
(Colin's right arm points to the right)
RYAN:  Oh.
COLIN: Not where I'm looking, but where I'm pointing. (his head is turned to
the right, and Ryan's head is turned that way)
RYAN:  Over there.
(Colin's right leg is moved out to the right, his left leg is moved, and his
right leg is moved again onto the step)
COLIN: Bet you've never seen this style before.
(Ryan's right arm is moved to push Colin)
COLIN: Hey, what are you doing?
RYAN:  It's called cheating, my friend. I'm pushing you off my board.
(Colin's left arm knocks Ryan's arm down)
COLIN: No pushing. Hey, watch it, I can take you.
(Ryan's right hand is extended outward, with his fingers pointed at Colin)
RYAN:  Oh yeah? I've got a gun with four barrels.
COLIN: Well, watch this move. (he is bent to the side, away from Ryan's hand)
RYAN:  Man, right out of my range.
(Colin's right leg is lifted, swung around in the air, and placed on the
ground so he is facing Ryan)
COLIN: Now...
RYAN:  This is called my Elvis, buddy. (his left arm is lifted to the same
height as his right) And it's that long.
(Colin's left leg is lifted in the air and plopped down closer to Ryan)
COLIN: I'm coming right onto your board and I'm knocking you off. (his left
hand is placed on Ryan's chest)
RYAN:  Shh. Speak no more. Quiet. (his right hand is placed on Colin's ear)
Can you hear that? I can hear the ocean in your head. (his left hand is
placed on Colin's other ear)
(Colin's right hand is placed to hold Ryan's nose)
COLIN: Sorry, I just had to see if that was real.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you Sebastian, that was great, thank you very much. Thank you
Sherry, that was really nice, thank you very much. Sherry and Sebastian, how
about it? And I am going to give a million points and lots of repeat business
to whoever made my shirt. 'Cause man, that looks really great. Oh, oh my
gosh, I can't believe it, it's everybody's favorite game, Hoedown! Yeah!
Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Hoedown! With the help of Laura Hall on piano, Laura Hall
helping us out on the Hoedown. Now what I need from the audience, a
suggestion of something you don't want to get caught doing.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Okay okay okay okay okay. Let's do the shoplifting Hoedown. The
shoplifting Hoedown. Laura Hall, whenever you're ready.
(music begins)
WAYNE: Whoo! I sure love this one.
       When I was younger, took a field trip to the zoo
       I was really mischievous, so here's what I would do
       But my crime, damn, it made me dance
       I tried to put a cheetah and a rhino in my pants
GREG:  When I go out to a store I never like to pay
       I got five-fingered discount, I just take it away
       I never pay for nothing, I don't pay no rent
       And I never tell the truth, 'cause I'm the president
COLIN: The other day I stole something, it really was a sin
       It was a little revolver made of gelatin
       It really was a bad idea, it's something I should've slept on
       'Cause I was arrested for carrying a congealed weapon
RYAN:  Shopping the correct way can be such a bore
       I have to steal everything when I go in a store
       Not to loot and take things can be really hard
       But I guess I shouldn't 'cause I am a security guard
ALL:   I am a security guard
DREW:  We're going to be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Stay
right where you are.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winners are
Ryan and Colin. Ryan and Colin are the winners. And we're going to do a game
for you called 90-Second Alphabet. What happens is, Wayne's standing by with
a timer at my desk, and he's going to time us, we're going to do a whole
scene for you in ninety seconds. And the whole trick is, every time we start
or do a sentence, it has to start with the letter of the next letter in the
alphabet. Starting with what letter?
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Q. Starting with Q. And Wayne, what's the scene?
WAYNE: Ryan, Drew, and Colin are at the Kentucky Derby and have bet all their
money on a race that's about to start. Go.
DREW:  Quick, quick, run faster!
COLIN: Right on!
RYAN:  Shh.
DREW:  T, to, too, two! Go number two! Two! Quick, two two! Whoo.
COLIN: Understand what you're doing? You're making the horse neurotic.
RYAN:  Very astute of you. You know, horses get scared very easily.
DREW:  Very easily?
RYAN:  Very, very easily.
(pause)
RYAN:  Wow! You knew exactly what I was going to say.
COLIN: X Marks the Spot, come on! X Marks the Spot! What a stupid name for a
horse.
DREW:  Zither! Go Zither go! Not as stupid as Zither.
RYAN:  All the horses, I bet on all the horses here, I can't lose.
DREW:  Bet, you say, you can make a bet?
COLIN: Couldn't you understand why we were putting money in that little
ticket office? That was betting.
RYAN:  Don't you know what a race track is for, what, are you here to watch?
WAYNE: Thirty seconds!
DREW:  Ever been so stupid in your life? No! You're the stupidest person
ever, stupid stupid stupid.
COLIN: Frank, relax, it's just a game.
RYAN:  Gee, you got upset at nothing, really.
DREW:  Harry, I don't know what to do.
COLIN: I do. Just shut up and watch.
WAYNE: Fifteen.
DREW:  Jeez, jeez.
RYAN:  Kindly step aside while I root my horse on.
WAYNE: Ten, nine...
RYAN:  Go, go.
DREW:  Oh... Like I care who wins now.
(buzzer)
(everybody moans)
DREW:  Many times I thought, let the buzzer ring and let's finish the scene.
RYAN:  No, no, it's over.
COLIN: Oh well.
(Drew spits a couple of "P" sounds out)
RYAN:  Perhaps we should've gone a little quicker.
COLIN: Quicker!
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thanks, we'll be right back with more "Whose Line." Don't go away. See
you in a second.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" We're going to end the show
tonight by having Ryan and Greg read the credits. You're going to read the
credits as a voice-over for a movie trailer. A voice-over for a movie
trailer. So go ahead and read the credits. Good night everybody, we'll see
you next time.
RYAN:  It was the summer of 1965, and Dan Patterson was growing up to be a
man.
GREG:  Yes, when Denise O'Donoghue and Mark Leveson walked into his world and
tore it apart.
RYAN:  Who knew that the town that Drew Carey lived in would soon become
nothing?
GREG:  It was a time of revolution. It was a time of Keith Richmond.
RYAN:  Dinosaurs, cheap thrills, and Hal Speer.
GREG:  And you'll love believe when you see Alison Sideris in SenSurround.
RYAN:  With a special guest appearance by Brad Zerbst.
GREG:  And Lori Benson as The Nipper.


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)