The demon had killed Jenny. This pain was too new, too fresh, he didn't know how to deal with it. The only thing he understood was that she had to kill his body. He had thought that the first moments after the gypsy curse had been painful. They were nothing compared to this; this was his Buffy the demon was torturing. He did this… knew it, accepted that the blame was his, but he hadn’t known the cost of this love would be so high for her. It wasn’t right; he should be the only one to suffer. The love was fading from her eyes, but not quickly enough. Angelus… he…would destroy her before that happened. Now that the demon had killed Jenny, the deaths would only come quicker, giving her less time to recover, to overcome the guilt. If only he could help her, show her that it wasn’t him, that the body held no relation to the man she had loved. It had to be soon, the demon was working much quicker than he had thought he would. He should have done this sooner but he had held on to the hope she would find a way to get back, to re-curse him. That had died with Jenny. She had to kill the demon… soon. He thought about trying to appear in her dreams but she was already using him to explain things for herself. He needed to summon every last ounce of his strength, his will and most of all his love for her, to get his message through. A message through the watcher, the person she trusted most, given during the day, by the window. He knew it would be hard for Giles to see his face but he had no choice. A voice without form was to easily explained away. "Giles..." He formed a vision of himself, a hologram with no real substance. He hoped it would be enough.
"Angel... it’s daytime... how?" He had to come in the day. To make sure they would now it was him and that he was separate; so Giles could believe it was he and not the demon who had killed his love.
"She has to understand Giles, I’m not in that body, I’m already gone. He has to die, please Giles, he has to die." His words came out in a rush tripping over each other in his hurry to make him understand before time ran out. He had to make him understand, so he could help her, so she could know it was okay. He wanted her to kill his body, needed her to kill it. The watcher had to convince her. It had to be enough.
He felt her first, the love, then the fear. "Get away from him" So cold, to feel hate from her.
"Buffy, it’s…it’s our Angel, it’s daytime, it’s his soul." She collapsed then… oh God what had he done? He only wanted to help and he couldn’t even touch her, he was just a vision, an apparition. He had no body to pull hers off the floor with. She was here now and maybe that was for the best. Since she had seen him, maybe he could convince her it had to be done, she had to let him go. Oh God, he would never touch her again, hold her again, the pain rocketed through his whole being as the enormity of what they had lost took hold. He missed her so much but there was no way back, to undo what had been done. He had to make her see, help her to forgive herself. She had to understand that all blame was his alone.
"Angel" her voice….
"I’m here, I’m free now Buffy. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to leave you, I never want to leave you but he has to die. I have to die, please; he’ll only get worse. He wants to destroy you, kill everyone you know. Now that he’s started he’ll kill quicker, be more evil, please, kill him"
"But…"
"No, Buffy, there is no buts, no escape clause for us, remember how much I love you, how happy we were, that night. One hundred years of torture were worth it, for me, in that moment. Don’t blame yourself, it’s my fault; it always was. I had no right to be loved and I let you do it anyway and I’m sorry." Was he getting through to her, he was weakening, only his love, his determination that she would not pay anymore for his sins held him there, visible. " Let me carry the burden Buffy, you kill him. It’s not me, I’m gone and there is no way back… I couldn’t go back."
"But… Angel, I love you, if we could re-curse you, restore your soul, we could …."
"NO! Buffy, you’ve seen the demon, he has to be stopped. There is no time for anything else, he’s already killed Jenny, he’ll go after the rest of them soon, please…."
"Angel…" She was weakening now, seeing the truth, coming to know as he had that hope for them was gone now, they would not be together again. His thoughts screamed at him, how could he have done this to her, what right did he have to love, but later, he would hate himself later. For now, he had to finish it, convince her, however he could.
"Buffy, please I see everything he does, I feel what he feels, he is pure evil, but I’m tethered to him until my body is gone. I have to watch what he does, who he kills, what he says to you. It hurts me as much as it hurts you, I…"
"O.K." Thank you God, Thank you.
"I will love you forever" He was fading now, his sense of relief so strong.
"I’ll never forget you Angel, never forget how much I love you, I’ll always belong to you"
"Buffy, you gave me love, acceptance and trust when I deserve nothing, you gave me hope in an existence of doom and now you are giving me freedom, I am yours."
"Angel, don’t go yet…" He was invisible to her now, and he waited to see if she could do it, if she understood… if he had killed her last ray of hope. He watched her, realizing it was the first time he had seen her in the sunlight, his soul ached for her, for the completeness she gave him. He knew and accepted that some crimes can never be forgiven. When his body died he would be dragged into hell along with the demon that inhabited his body. It would be enough for the moments of love, to see the love in her eyes, the faith in him, vampire, killer of his family. He deserved his fate, wanted it, to free her from the demon's torture and the fate that awaited her if his body lived. Whatever torture could be devised for him could never be worse than her suffering. She had loved him, saw the good in him, gave herself to him; the wonder of it still awed him. She would not pay anymore for the love she had given him. She smiled then and looked to where he had appeared.
"I’ll do it" she whispered "I’ll free you from him because I love you to much to try to bring you back to pay for his crimes, to feel guilt for him." Even now her only thoughts were of his pain, could he have been given a greater gift? "And when it’s over, my tour of duty as the slayer, when it ends as we all know it will, in the way we all know it will, you’d better be there waiting for me. I got gypped in this life but I’m going to get eternity with you. I still believe we are meant to be together"
Oh Buffy, I wish…but I have to pay for my crimes. "I know you’re probably thinking that you’ll be going to hell, but why? You are your and the demon is the demon, you’re not him and you’ve suffered more than enough for a choice you made as a young man. I believe that we will be together again and that will get me through"
With that she collapsed into the chair. He watched Giles comfort her and prayed to a God he had betrayed to keep her safe. She was quiet until just before dusk and then she got up grim-faced and turned to Giles, "Tonight Giles, I have to free him tonight, while I’m still strong enough to let him go." Please God, give her the strength to kill him. Let this afternoon be enough to convince her that I can never go back, we can never go back. He felt the tugging start then like he was a kite being pulled in. The demon was waking. He couldn’t get very far from him when he was awake, was forced to watch his body kill, torture, another punishment for the choice he had made as a young man. Sometimes it felt so unfair, he hadn’t known what the consequences would be, this torture would never end for him. For Buffy, though, it could end tonight, she could stop paying for his crimes along side him.
He waited in the factory hoping she would do it tonight. Angelus was alone with Spike and Spike was in no condition to help him. The demon would never expect her to go on the offensive, to seek him out, to come to his lair. He thought she was still held back by the memory of her Angel.
"Angel" She stood in the doorway, a vision in white, sending him off with style. He watched as she fought him, completely focused on finishing it, on killing him. The demon had been caught off guard; he’d had no intention of killing her anytime soon. She fought well, clean, quick, no emotion. This was the last thing she could do for her love. He knew it as the demon felt the first stirring of fear, as his taunts of her had no effect. He smiled, so proud of her courage and sacrifice. She pushed the stake in finally, with little fanfare and watched as the body of the man she loved turn to dust. She was free... his punishment was no longer hers.
The string was broken and for the first time in over 200 years his soul was completely free. With all his strength he reached out and touched her face, "I love you."
She cried then, he watched as she released every hidden hope she had for a reprieve from fate or God or whoever. He waited as she calmed down and stood up, "I’ll see you again Angel, remember I love you". She walked out of the factory, a vision in white, his angel, the only one he would ever see. He waited, for the demons to come and carry him off to hell, happy that his body, his voice wouldn’t torture her anymore. He followed her to her home, into her bedroom, still waiting to be taken away. He watched as she put the cross he gave her on, then the ring. She smiled, a sad smile for a lost love, but no longer full of guilt and pain.
She spoke to him then; "We had something special Angel, something worth having. It will go on, someday, somewhere, we will be together again. I know this with all my soul. I may love again in this world, but my soul belongs to yours for all eternity". He cried then his whole soul aching for what they had and what it had cost them, cost her. He cried for the love that burned so steadily in her eyes, the same love that seared itself onto his very being.
He barely noticed as the room filled with a wonderful light. He slowly became aware of a presence, another spirit, full of goodness and hope. He watched as it approached him, taking the form of a man as it did. A vision of a perfectly good man, with such kindness shining through he could barely look. This vision was talking to him, without words, telling him it was okay. Telling him the guilt wasn’t his, it never had been, he had made a wrong choice as a young man but he didn’t have to pay for eternity. None of the cruel acts committed by the demon were his. Oh, if only it were true, and this vision was saying it was and that he had to go with him, it would all be okay now. He had to leave Buffy. He turned and saw her watching him, them, in awe. She smiled and sent him off freely with a love so pure it rolled into his soul like waves traveling through him, never leaving. He reached out to her and gained enough form to hold her close, smooth back her hair and kiss her good-bye. It was enough.
She walked through the graveyard, sure-footed, secure in her abilities. In the five years since Angel she had become more committed to her destiny. Seeing it not only as ridding the world of evil but also of rescuing the souls of the bodies the demons had stolen. Freeing them as she knew Angel was free. She felt his presence close to her tonight, she always did when she was in real danger. He still tried to protect her, still gave his strength to her, so she could live, continue to fulfill her destiny. She talked to him often, telling him of her life. There was so much he had missed, Xander and Cordelia's wedding, Oz and Willow's new Computer Company. She told him of Giles and his new love, and how happy they were. She told him of her parents rediscovering one another. There was so much happiness in her life, so much love. She didn’t regret, couldn’t regret, loving him, even now, when she was alone, his presence still too large in her life to have room for anyone else. She was happy with her life, her friends, even her duty, but her soul wouldn’t be complete until she was with him again.
It was her birthday tonight, twenty-two, the same age as Angel was when he died, was made a vampire. Five years since they joined together as one, it was all fitting somehow. It was over for her tonight, this life. She had accomplished a lot in the five years since she had lost him. Spike and Drusilla were long dead along with the majority of the vampires who had called Sunnydale home. She had killed countless other demons and even had two years of college under her belt. She hadn’t been afraid when Giles had read the prophecy that foretold her death on her twenty-second birthday. Since seeing Angel go into the light, for lack of a better description, she had known everything would be okay. If she died tonight Angel would be waiting for her, if she lived he would still wait. They had eternity to be together, she didn’t have to rush. She prepared though, told everyone what she needed to, finished writing up her version of the slayer diaries. She prayed for the strength to do her duty and then she proudly went to face her death. It came in the form of a group of the Master’s minions who had been planning this revenge for six years.
She fought well, killed them all but the damage to her body was more than it could recover from. Giles, Willow and Xander all gathered around and said their final good-byes. Her Angel came then, a vision of himself surrounded by light and her soul lifted to stand beside him, "Don’t be sad, please, I’m finally complete again. Rejoice in my life, our accomplishments, and the evil we erased from this earth. Remember our friendship and how much we love each other. I’m with Angel now, enjoy your lives, your loves as much as I enjoy the love I have." She turned to him then, reached out her hand and he folded her into him. Such love from him, it filled every inch of who she was, as her love had filled him. He smiled at her, a full smile with no guilt, no regrets, just joy and love. They all heard them laughing as their light faded away and disappeared. It floated lightly on the air surrounding them and they sat together and listened. It was enough.