NOTES: I’m taking liberties with the ideas of the show. I believe, because of What’s My Line, vampires can die from blood loss but I’m not sure so let’s just assume, if I’m wrong, that they can. Also, I don’t usually write serious stories, but I was bored and awake at 2:00am so I decided to write this one since I wasn’t feeling too funny because of my insomnia. It’s melodrama to the max so I apologize for it.
She knocked twice and waited. No answer. She turned the knob and the door opened easily. She walked into the room, finding Angel sitting on the couch with a violin in his hands, playing a soft, slow, dark tune. His shirt was unbuttoned, from the back she could see it slipping down his shoulders as he supported the violin with his hands. "Angel--" she began, he didn’t turn his head, he couldn’t.
He couldn’t look at her, he couldn’t look into her eyes to see the pain that he had caused there. He knew that if he looked at her he would not see Buffy, the girl she had been, but he would see the girl who he had tortured emotionally for months. He would forever see the suffering he had caused her in her eyes, he knew it.
"Don’t. Just go." Angel said softly, his voice cracking with tears she couldn’t see. Her eyes traveled to the wood coffee table in front of him, on it was a stake and a letter in an envelope.
"No. What is all of that?" Buffy asked taking a few more steps toward him, he shook his head slightly, still refusing to look at her.
"That. That is my reprieve. My only way out. So if you will leave me to it...." Angel answered, setting the violin down on the table beside the stake.
"No! Not until you tell me what you’re going to do!" Buffy said angrily, grabbing him by the shoulders and turning him around to face her. Her touch, the feel of his skin against her hands, it was all so familiar to the both of them. He looked up into her face for a moment but then turned away.
"I’m tired, Buffy. I’m tired of all of this, I want out." Angel said in a whisper as she sat down beside him on the couch, he moved away from her slightly. "I used to think about doing it, but the truth was I couldn’t bring myself to put the stake through my heart. I was always afraid I’d go to Hell, having been raised a devout Catholic I still retained the belief in Heaven and Hell. But now--now I know that living is my Hell, and anything would be a welcome change." he said, she put her hand on his face and shook her head.
"If you die--I die." she choked with a sob.
"Don’t say that! God! Don’t you dare say that!" Angel said, pulling away from her, standing up quickly. He looked at her with a horror on his face, genuine fear. Fear for her.
"I won’t let you die." she whimpered. "I just got you back, god damn it, and I’m not going to lose you again!" she shouted, standing up quickly. She ran at him and pounded her fists against his chest. He grabbed her arms as she burst into tears. All he wanted was to put his arms around her, to try to make it better. It was an instinct. But he stopped himself and released her hands, pushing her away gently.
He took a deep breath, metaphorically speaking, and sighed. "You already lost me, or it is better to say that I lost you the moment I forgot myself. I forgot myself, I forgot the pain I caused, I forgot the hurt, I forgot everything and Angelus surfaced. I’m already lost." he said sorrowfully, she shook her head. She looked like she was about to speak, Angel shook his head once, trying to silence her.
"Angel, you’re not lost...."
"Just stop it! Why can’t you just hate me? That would make this easier on everyone! Just hate me!" he shouted, she shook her head once, her eyes traveling to the floor.
"I can’t." she whimpered, Angel turned away and walked back to the table where the stake was laying. "Angel, please! If you ever loved me, don’t do this!" she screamed. It was her last resort, the last argument she could find.
He smiled sadly and shook his head. "Don’t you see? It’s because I love you...I love you too much. I don’t want to cause you any more pain. Go. Leave. Live your life, find some nice high school boy to date who can take you to the beach in the sun I could never see or can take you to the dinner I could never eat. Marry someone and have the children you could never have with me. Grow old together. Forget you ever knew me." he said desperately.
"I can’t forget you, Angel. Don’t you get it? I can’t forget the one person in all of the world I shouldn’t have loved. I should never have loved you, but I did. And you know what? I don’t regret that. I don’t regret loving you and I never will."
"Then you’re a fool." Angel hissed. As much as it broke his heart he knew the only way left to push her away would be to hurt her. "You should have killed me when you had the chance!" he growled.
"It’s not going to work, Angel. I know you and I know what you’re doing." Buffy said firmly, putting her hands on her hips. Angel looked down, brushing the tears from his dark brown eyes. "I’m not leaving you, not again, not ever."
"You don’t want to stick around to watch this." Angel said, reaching for the stake on the table. Buffy shoved him away from the table before he could grab the stake. He fell to the ground from the shove she had given him. He turned to her and growled deeply from inside his throat.
He got up quickly and stood, watching her for a moment. He smiled to himself as an idea formed in his mind. He went to his desk in the corner, opened a drawer and pulled out another stake. Before Buffy could respond or stop him, Angel drove the stake into his chest. Much to her surprise he didn’t turn to dust, he fell backward, hitting the back of his head against the desk with a loud, sickening crack, and falling into unconsciousness.
She ran to his side and looked at the wound on his chest. It was bleeding profusely, but the stake hadn’t penetrated the heart. It had missed, going through one of Angel’s ribs just below and to the side of his heart. "Oh, thank god." she whispered, draping her arms around the unconscious vampire.
She pulled the stake out, the wound began to bleed more. She pressed her hand over it, trying to stop the bleeding but the blood kept flowing. She looked around for Angel’s phone and placed a call to Giles, telling him to come to Angel’s apartment, that she didn’t have time to explain.
A few minutes later Giles arrived with the rest of the slayerettes in tow. They walked in, all stopping in shock upon seeing Angel on the floor with Buffy’s arm around him and the other trying to stop the bleeding. Her arms, face and clothes were covered with his red crimson blood.
"What--" Giles began.
"He tried to stake himself, he missed I guess. It didn’t hit his heart but the blood won’t stop." Buffy said quickly, she stood up as Giles knelt beside the vampire.
"It’s deep. He’s losing blood too fast for his body to rejuvenate." Giles said, taking his jacket off and putting it to the wound in Angel’s chest, attempting to apply pressure as Buffy had. "Cordelia; take Willow and go to the nearest store. Buy bandages and heavy thread."
"Thread?" Xander asked quickly.
"He needs stitches but we don’t have any actual stitches thread so we have to use what we can get. Now go!" Giles shouted, the two girls left the apartment for the car as fast as they could. Buffy sat down on the couch, watching Giles tend to Angel’s wound the best he could with the supplies available, which weren’t much.
She had felt her legs becoming weak, that was why she had sat down. The entire situation made her feel totally and completely helpless. There on the floor was Angel; her lover, her once enemy, bleeding and possibly dying and there was nothing she could do.
She turned her head to the table, seeing the letter that had been beside the stake. She reached for it and after clearing a new stream of tears from her eyes saw it was addressed to her. She opened it and pulled out a piece of paper.
"What is that?" Xander asked, looking over her shoulder.
"Angel’s suicide note. It’s addressed to me." Buffy said in a whisper.
"‘Dear Buffy, What right do I have to even call you ‘dear’ after all I’ve put youthrough in the past few months? What right do I have in even writing this to you when I know it will just cause you more pain? I suppose I have no right. But I have to tell you, you have to know why I’m doing this. The fact is simply this; I cannot live with myself anymore, not with the demon inside of me or as the killer I was, or the pain I caused you. Never doubt for a moment that in the time I knew you and the time that I had my soul I loved you, because I did. Of all the things in my life in the past eighty years, your love was the best. Maybe it wasn’t right, or good enough, but it was love, plain and simple. Maybe not so plain, nor so simple. But it was love. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and I have a lot of regrets; too many to name here but I once told you that Drusilla was the worst. No, not anymore. Now my greatest mistake and biggest regret is hurting you and your friends. My friends; for a short time anyway. I realized that your life will be better without me in it, everyone’s life will be better without Angelus in it. So now you can feel safe knowing that I won’t jump out of the shadows, or spend nights worrying if I’ll turn again. With that said I feel I need to make some sort of amends to everyone involved. My death, while some sort of penance, isn’t exactly compensation, nothing ever will be. Above the desk, in a Oriental vase is a Last Will and Testament. I realize that no amount of money will bring your friend back, but I have nothing else to give and I have to try. I believe in a Heaven and a Hell, and I know to which I am going and I know that I will never see you in the afterlife. But I still love you and I will continue loving you from Hell if I have to. I’m not good at organizing my thoughts into letters, and I’ve forgotten something. I have a request for you. My request is that you live your life in happiness. I want you to find someone who willlove you better than I did, someone who will not betray you like I did or hurt you like I did. That is my final wish.
Angel."
Buffy read out loud, and suddenly burst into tears. Xander rushed to her side, Giles too preoccupied with trying to stop Angel from bleeding. Xander put his arms around her, allowing her to cry on his shoulder. "He can’t die---" Buffy whispered softly.
"He won’t." Giles said firmly. "I think the bleeding is slowing. I won’t let him die." Buffy gave a slow nod before releasing Xander and turning her tear soaked eyes back to the letter in her hand. She noticed the tiniest thing; the curve in the cursive ‘a’ Angel had written in his name. She wondered why she had noticed that, of all things.
She sat back down on the couch, watching Giles work to save Angel, despite everything. He had once tried to kill the vampire for the killing of Jenny Calendar, the woman he had loved, but now he was doing his damnedest to save him. "Why are you helping him?" Buffy managed to squeak out of her rough, tear coarsened voice.
"This is Angel, not Angelus. Angel is my friend, I don’t want him dead. I know, the same as you do, that they are two different people. I also know I can’t blame Angel for the demon’s actions, Angel wasn’t in control." the watcher answered, pressing his fingers, already damp with Angel’s red blood, to the wound again. "It’s slowing down. I think he’ll be all right." Giles said with a soft sigh.
"Thank God." Buffy whispered quietly.
A few minutes later Cordelia and Willow returned with the supplies Giles had asked for. With the thread, a needle and bandages Giles did his best to seal up the wound. Once that was completed and with Xander and Buffy’s help Giles carried Angel to the bedroom and laid him down on the bed.
Once that was done they left the room to allow him to sleep. Buffy returned to the couch and sat down as a silence filled the room for a long time. "In case he does die---" Xander began, breaking the silence.
"He’s not going to die, Xander. He’s got enough blood left in him. He’ll be weak for a few weeks after he wakes up, like he was after the ceremony with Drusilla. I think he lost more blood here than he did then." Giles said quietly, looking down at his own blood covered shirt briefly.
"Is he sleeping still?" Willow asked, Buffy nodded slightly.
"He looks like a cherub when he’s asleep. I never noticed it before--" Buffy’s voice broke off, she found herself unable to continue speaking. "He looks so peaceful." Buffy managed.
"Buffy--" Xander began, trying to think of something comforting to say. He had never really liked Angel, that was clear and obvious to everyone, but he didn’t really hate him as much as he let on. At first there was jealousy that kept him disliking Angel, but that was gone now that he had Cordelia. Before the change he had actually started to secretly like Angel, not that he’d ever admit to it.
"I know, Xander. He thought he was doing the right thing, I know that’s why he did it. I know he loves me and I know it wasn’t really Angel doing all of those bad things, I know all of this." Buffy said quickly, she had been a little cold, more than she wanted to be.
"You look tired, you should go home and get some sleep." Cordelia said quietly, she was resting her head against Xander’s shoulder, his arm was draped around her in a comforting manner.
"I can’t. I’m staying here." Buffy answered, she refused to leave Angel, especially now, after everything.
"Then we’re not leaving." Willow replied firmly. Buffy looked up with a small smile of appreciation.
"Thanks. I really don’t want to be alone." she said, curling up into a ball on the couch, holding her knees against her chest. Giles stood up and went to the kitchen to get Buffy a glass of water.
"Should you call your mother?" Willow asked, Buffy gave a small nod but didn’t move. "You look exhausted." Willow said in a whisper, Buffy gave another nod. "Try to sleep, Buffy. We’ll let you know if he wakes up." Willow said, Buffy smiled wearily, she laid down on the couch and within a few minutes was asleep. Her dreams were all of Angel, in better times.
Three days passed, after they realized that Angel wouldn’t be awakening the first night they started taking shifts, mostly so someone would be there when he woke up. In the three days they had rid the house of stakes or anything else Angel could use to attempt to end his life again, in case they were unable to dissuade him.
On the third night, Willow was at the apartment when she heard a soft moan coming from the bedroom. She stood up from the movie on the couch and went to the door and peered inside. Angel was still asleep, his eyes were closed but he had shifted, as though he was trying to rouse himself from sleep but was unable to.
She quickly called the slayer and the rest of the slayerettes. They arrived within a few minutes and spent the next half an hour waiting for the sleeping vampire to wake.
Angel opened his eyes slightly so only the smallest sliver of dark brown shone through. It took him a moment to realize that he was alive and not dead, not dead like he thought he should be. He brushed his fingers over his chest to find a bandage there, just to the side of his heart. He estimated he had missed by about two inches. "Damn." he whispered softly.
He looked around and realized he was in his bed in his room. He attempted to lift his head but it fell back, he was too weak. The door opened a crack and then opened the entire way to reveal Giles. Angel smiled a little, he knew that Giles would be the person who would kill him without hesitation if given a chance.
"The stake missed." Giles said softly, setting a cup on the table beside the bed, Angel smelled blood and realized that the cup was full of it. Cow blood by the smell of it.
"I just can’t do anything right, can I? Well, I’m still alive, relatively speaking. Isn’t that just ducky?" Angel asked with a sharp, cold sarcasm. "At least I can depend on you to do the job right."
"No." Giles said quietly, Angel blinked twice, unable to believe his own ears. "I don’t blame you, you had no control. It wasn’t you." Giles said, his eyes locked with Angel’s. Angel searched but found no malice in Giles’ eyes, only a strange sense of compassion for the vampire who had killed his love. Angel attempted to sit up, but fell back again, still far too weak. "You lost a lot of blood, more than you did in the ceremony that restored Drusilla. It will take a long time before you are back to normal again." Giles said, handing Angel the cup of blood, hoping that the blood would give Angel some of his lost strength back.
"I’ll never be back to normal again, whatever that means." Angel answered, refusing the cup from Giles. Giles sighed and placed the cup back onto the table.
"I know you’re hurting, Angel. I know you are but---" Giles began, Angel cut him off quickly.
"I know what you’re going to say and I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to talk about this, my mind is made up and there’s nothing you can do to change it, so just get out." Angel hissed, Giles remained where he was, not moving.
"Fine, I’ll leave. But I want you to think long and hard about something--if we can forgive you then why can’t you forgive yourself?" he asked before walking out of the room. Angel picked up the cup that Giles had left and threw it in anger, it shattered against the door, the blood streaking down the door and onto the floor.
The crash from the cup gets a response within seconds, the door opened and Buffy, Xander, Giles and Willow entered to investigate. "Oh, goody, the entire gang. What does a vampire have to do to die in peace around here?" Angel asked angrily.
"You’re already dead. It would be kind of redundant." Xander pointed out in order to interject a small bit of humor into the situation.
"True enough." Angel whispered, falling back into bed, he had become weak again from using all of his strength to throw the cup of blood. "Hey, Xander, want to make a buck? There’s a stake in that---" Angel began.
"Afraid not, Dead Boy. Willow and I took the liberty of removing every stake from this entire apartment. Besides, I don’t want to kill you." Xander answered, Angel would have laughed but he was too tired.
"You? You of all people don’t want to see me die? Come on, Xander, you said it yourself. You said that I would die and you would be there. Well here I am. Being the person that killed me would just be icing on the cake, considering how much you hate me." Angel said sharply, Xander merely shook his head. Angel turned his attention to the red haired girl who was standing passive and quiet the entire time. "Willow. Come on! I killed your fish for Christ’s sake!" he said almost desperately.
"They’re just fish, Angel. You’re my friend, I’m not going to stake you over a few measly pet fish." Willow whispered back. Angel groaned in disgust and turned to Cordelia.
"I almost killed your boyfriend!" he said loudly, Cordelia shook her head once, her eyes locked on Angel’s.
"I’m with them. I don’t want you dead either. Angel, you’re our friend, we love you too much to let you kill yourself. Okay? It’s not your fault, we all know that and we all forgive you because you are not to blame for any of it." Cordelia said firmly, Angel sighed and with his hands covered his face briefly. "None of us want you dead."
"And what happens if I turn again? Hmm? Then what? Will you be quite so forgiving then?" he asked angrily, he was refusing to accept their forgiveness or their love. His heart ached too much to allow for their love or compassion.
"You won’t turn again, Angel. And even if you did we have the curse and we know how to restore your soul." Giles answered intently.
Angel sighed with a tone of defeat as he pulled the blanket closer around his shoulders. "You want me to hate you?" Buffy asked, Angel nodded slightly. "Well that is just too damn bad because I don’t. There are people who care about you and if you think that killing yourself is going to stop our pain well I can tell you right now that it won’t. It’ll just hurt us more. It’ll hurt me more." Buffy said, kneeling beside the bed, taking Angel’s hand into hers. His eyes traveled down to her hand where on her finger was the ring he had given her in what seemed to be a lifetime ago. He ran his finger over it slowly before looking up into her eyes again. "Do you understand that? That your death would hurt me more than anything?" Buffy asked, Angel gave a small nod.
"I think I understand, finally. I thought I was doing you a favor, but I guess I was doing just the opposite. But I can’t help how I feel." Angel whispered, Buffy shook her head and stood up slowly, moving from the floor to the edge of the bed where she sat down.
"I’m not asking you to forget. I’m asking you to try to cut yourself a little bit of slack for something you had no control over. You’re not to blame for this, Angel. You didn’t get out of bed one night and decide "hey, I’m going to go out and kill a few people and hang out with Spike and Drusilla for a while." Buffy said with a smile, Angel couldn’t help but laugh at her attempt to cheer him up.
"Actually, I kind of did. Well, my demon did anyway." he said quietly with a soft smile, Buffy’s smile broadened a little and she put her arms around Angel tightly, he returned the hug for a moment but then pulled away from Buffy slowly.
"What is it? What’s wrong?" she asked, shocked that he would pull away from her now that they had seemed to come to a new understanding.
"It hurts." Angel replied, rubbing his fingers over the bandage on his chest slowly.
"Well, you get an E for effort, you sure stuck it in deep enough, Dead Boy." Xander said, Angel turned to him quickly.
"Don’t call me that." Angel said shortly before turning his attention back to Buffy. "I’m sorry, for everything." he whispered, tears now forming in his deep brown eyes.
"I know. We all know, and we forgive you. I forgive you." Buffy said, leaning down and kissing him softly. She guided his head to her shoulder, allowing him to burst into tears as she held him. The rest of the slayerettes left the room, knowing it was their cue to leave during this moment.
"I can’t forget or forgive myself, I won’t let myself but--" he began in between sobs, Buffy put her finger over his lips to silence him.
"But we’ll cope. Together. I promise." she said, rubbing his brown hair back with one hand, holding his neck in the other. As his head rested on her shoulder he listened to the sound of her heart beating in her chest. The soft pounding was like a lullaby, rocking him back to sleep.
It took Buffy a few moments to notice that he had fallen asleep, though she wasn’t surprised, considering how weak he was from the blood loss. She rocked him slowly in her arms, like a mother rocking a baby to sleep for a long time. She stared down at him and smiled as tears formed once again in her eyes.
She looked down at his face, noticing how his dark eyelashes rested against the white porcelain of his face. If ever there was a time when he looked like an angel, a real angel, it was now. Slowly she released him, laying him back into bed. She covered him in the blanket and then left the room silently.
Buffy entered the living room and picked up her coat. "Where are you going?" Xander asked, surprised that she would leave Angel.
"He’s asleep, he will be for a while, I’m sure. I just have to do something. It should only take a minute. I’ll be back." she said with a small reassuring smile before leaving the apartment.
Buffy walked through the doors of the church slowly, the church was empty, except for her. It was late and so she hadn’t expected anyone to be there. She walked to a table with numerous candles set up on it. She wouldn’t have been in the church, especially a Catholic church, since she wasn’t Catholic, but she knew Angel was and she needed to do something.
Slowly she lit a candle; for their fallen friend, Jenny Calendar who had lost her life at the hands of a fallen angel. May she find peace. The next; for her friends; Giles, Willow, Xander and Cordelia who had found forgiveness in their hearts for even the unforgivable. Finally she lit a third candle; that was for her and Angel. Together they somehow found each other in the realm of darkness and had found a love that was so strong that even though they had gone through Hell and back it had survived. She knew that if their love could survive that then it could survive anything.