Author: Lisa Yaeger
E-mail: lisayaeger@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Category: Angst, drama
Pairings: Sam/Jack
Content Warnings: Mild language
Summary: A party, a blizzard and a misunderstanding lead Sam to Jack. But will he be her shelter against the storm?
Season/sequel: Set after S8
Spoilers: Solitudes, 100 Days, Abyss, Chimera, Death Knell, Heroes 2, Lost City 2, S8 storylines
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, SciFi, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Status: Complete.
Feedback: Please!
Date: 26-4-2004
Author’s Notes: With many thanks to Nicole for her amazing beta job. All mistakes are still mine. Dedicated to those on my lj flist- thank you for putting up with me and listening to my rants.
*****
“As it shows on your syllabus, the majority of the exam will focus on everything in the second half of the semester. You should concentrate on studying the material that we’ve covered since the midterm.” Looking up from her notes into the lecture-style classroom, Lieutenant Colonel Carter felt all eyes on her as she continued announcing the specifics of the exam administration. “The exam will take place in this room during our normal class time next Thursday. Until then, I will hold my regular office hours and be available for appointments if you have any problems with the material. Questions?”
Seeing no raised hands, she decided to end class a few minutes early. “Good luck and dismissed.” As she turned her back to the class, getting ready to erase the day’s equations from the board, she was more than a little surprised to hear applause coming from her students. It was one thing to be well-received as an occasional lecturer, but as a regular instructor, it was humbling, if not a little gratifying. She turned to face the class again slowly, and she felt her face flush while at the same time a smile formed on her lips. She managed to say her thanks over the dying applause and shook her head in disbelief while turning back to the task of clearing the white board.
That the semester had turned out so well was nothing short of a minor miracle. Not only had it been her first attempt at being a full-time teacher, but the start of the fall had been personally difficult as well. Her decision to leave the SGC after 8 years of service was the hardest choice she had ever made. But the war with the Goa’uld had long since ended, and there were no immediate threats to the planet. Even the Tok’ra and the Jaffa had managed to begin talks of another alliance with each other and Earth, just to be on the safe side. Things hadn’t felt so peaceful since before Daniel had figured out how to read the symbols on the gate nearly a decade ago.
And then there had been Pete. At the time, they had been dating over a year. Things were serious between the two of them and words like “engagement” and “marriage” were part of nearly every conversation. They both agreed it was just a matter of time before things would become official, and Sam had reluctantly come to the conclusion that the “matter” holding things back was her career.
It wasn’t so much what she did, as the life-threatening situations were now few and far between. Certainly no more so than in Pete’s line of work. But the unpredictable hours and the fear of something physically happening to Sam, even in her own lab, was cause for more than one argument between them. She held to her position that he couldn’t ask her to give up something that was so much a part of her life, and he challenged back by saying that if they were ever going to start a family, Sam had to be in a safe environment. It was during those arguments that Sam wished she hadn’t told him about the alien influences that had infected the base over the years. But in her heart, she knew Pete was right. She didn’t have any right to risk exposing her body to those sorts of situations if they were planning on having children soon. And like it or not, her biological clock was ticking. Loudly.
Ever the scientist, she made the logical choice. Teaching at the Academy had offered her the ability to remain ingrained in the military way of life while affording her the opportunity to start a family. If she wasn’t entirely thrilled with the prospect of leaving her old job and close friends, no one was the wiser. She consistently answered the inevitable question of “Are you sure?” with the socially respectable answer of “Pete and I are planning to start a family soon.” She had barely turned in her resignation to General O’Neill with one hand when Pete had slipped an engagement ring on the other.
Without her knowing, Jack had pulled some strings to get his former 2IC into a vacant faculty position in the Academy. It was in Mathematics, not Physics, but since the waiting period for being accepted as a faculty member could take up to four years, Sam didn’t have the luxury of being picky when the offer was made. The weeks following her appointment to the Academy were a whirlwind of lesson planning, learning colleagues’ and students’ names, re-adjusting to the rigid schedule and getting used to the fact that she and Pete spent nearly every evening and weekend together.
At first, it had been so easy. Cooking dinner together, watching the evening news, running errands. Things that “normal” couples did. But they both soon found that they had different ideas about what being a couple meant. Sam, independent by nature, resented that Pete accompanied her to the gym, the grocery store, and even her “girls’ nights” when Cassie came home from college. She needed more space, and he viewed it as a sign that she didn’t want to be with him. In retrospect, he had been right to a certain extent. The idea of how a full-time relationship with him would feel, and the reality of living it every day, had caused more than a few arguments. And eventually, the number of fights outnumbered the number of times they made up.
One morning before leaving for class, the usual argument about where they were going to live once married having occurred the night before, Sam slipped off her engagement ring and left it on the counter. When she came home, all of Pete’s belongings had been removed. In a moment of clarity, she realized that a part of her was more relieved than sad. However, after the initial freedom of being on her own again, she felt lonely in a way she hadn’t since before moving to the Springs. The friends she had once considered her family had stopped trying to make contact after every invitation was rebuffed with “Pete and I have plans tonight” or “We’ll be in Denver that weekend.” She couldn’t blame them, and it wasn’t as if she had been overly eager to spend time with the constant reminders that she wasn’t part of a life that she used to love, and still missed. Add another failed engagement to the list, and Sam Carter did the only thing she knew how to do to get through the tough times.
She worked like hell.
Preparing for class, writing an article, serving on the curriculum committee, volunteering in the computer lab, holding long office hours. The surprising thing was that as the semester went on, she found that she actually did enjoy teaching. She loved the students, and being in the classroom made her feel young and vibrant again. She was engaging with colleagues who were intellectually stimulating, and doing the kind of writing and research that being on SG-1 never allowed time for. It took a few months, but by the time she had to prepare the final exam, Sam realized that she actually *did* like what she was doing. While it lacked the exhilaration and innovation of being in the SGC, it was rewarding in a more immediate way: as she saw students finally grasp a hard concept or as she got beyond a writer’s block in a particularly difficult chapter in her next book.
Clearing her thoughts, she wiped the last smudges of the black dry erase marker from the board and turned back toward her desk to gather her notes and books only to find one perfect, red apple sitting on top of the pile. A familiar feeling spread from the inside out, and she wasn’t in the least bit surprised to see General Jack O’Neill standing in front of the first row of seats with a smile that she was sure matched her own. “An apple for the teacher. Isn’t that a bit cliché for you, sir?”
“Well, you know that ordinarily I hate those, but I always did need all the help I could get in school, so…” And in no more than a minute, the banter was back. The easy familiarity. The past four moths were erased with his tentative gesture.
She wondered if he could see the simple joy she felt of just being near him again. But suddenly afraid that her heart was laid bare, she busied herself with gathering her belongings into her bag. “So, General, what are you doing here?”
“Colonel Born asked me to be a guest lecturer in his last class on Leadership and Character. I guess he figured they had learned how to do it right all semester, so it was time they learned how to get it wrong from the best.”
She didn’t miss the self-deprecating undertone to his seemingly humor-filled response. Always covering his insecurities with humor. His innermost fears concealed by his sharp wit. Did he even know that he did it anymore? Or had it just become natural after all this time? Maybe a defense mechanism since Charlie. Or had it been there before then? Sam looked up from packing her bag to see a man both so familiar she felt as if they communicated without words most of the time, and yet such a stranger that she wondered if she even knew him at all.
As her eyes raked over the uniform and the stars and the medals, she was reminded again of all that had stood between them for so long. They had been part of each other’s lives for over eight years. For half of that, there had been feelings beyond friendship and respect. And for nearly half of that, there had been another man in her bed. In her heart. It wasn’t lost on Sam Carter that while the uniform they both wore wasn’t a hindrance any longer, their circumstances hadn’t really changed. A shield of a different kind was still firmly lodged in between them. And the reality that she had been the one to ensure its existence reawakened the feelings of loss and loneliness that had been her constant companions for months now.
Descending the stairs of the raised lecture platform with her bag in hand, she came face to face with the man who had haunted her dreams for years. Sometimes as a lover, sometimes as a comrade-in-arms, and often as a part of herself that she was about to lose. Sometimes he was back on Edora, others he was with Ba’al again, and still other times he was frozen solid. Those were the worst. A long, hot shower was no match for the icy grip his near death, even in her dreams, still held on her heart.
“It’s good to see you again, sir.” She hoped her eyes conveyed the sincerity she felt.
“Likewise, Carter.” His voice was as soft as she had ever heard it.
The silence between them grew, neither one willing to break the moment. They were spared the difficulty by the arrival of Colonel Born calling out from the back of the lecture hall. “General, I’m glad I caught you.”
Jack turned toward the man with his best fake smile. “As am I.”
Sam hoped Colonel Born couldn’t see her smirk from the back of the room.
“I just wanted to say thanks again for taking over today. I think they got a lot out of you being here.”
Jack turned his head toward Sam and responded with an intensity that she had forgotten he possessed. “I got a lot out of being here, too.”
Colonel Born smiled and nodded before making a quick exit. As the door closed behind him, Jack was the one to break eye contact first and gestured for her to lead the way out. “So, do I get to see your new office?”
Leading the way to the back of the room, her mind’s eye could see the child-like expression on his face, and she wondered briefly what breakable objects might have been left on her desk. “Sure. It even has a window. Of course it just looks out over the parking lot, but it’s a step up from the gray concrete, right?”
Through the lecture hall doors, past a row of lockers and down the corridor to the fifth office on the left. Her name and rank displayed just above her office hours. Turning the handle of the unlocked door, she entered first and put her bag down in the corner while waving with her free arm. “Well, this is it. It’s not huge, but it’s mine.”
Sam watched her former CO take in her new space with a blank expression. He examined the contents of the bookshelves first, followed by the pictures on her desk (one of Dad, and one of her niece and nephew), and then the photo on the wall just above her filing cabinet. It had been taken at the party they had held in her honor just after the Prometheus incident. They were all together for what would be the last time: SG-1, her dad, Janet, Hammond and Cassie. Even Jonas had made a quick appearance (and luckily, had figured out how to set the timer on the camera).
A month later, Jacob went virtually missing from Sam’s life, and Janet died just weeks after that. Cassie left for school the next fall, and Teal’c went to live permanently off-world with his son in the months that followed. Ironic that Sam, Daniel, and Jack were the only ones still in Colorado Springs, yet Sam spoke to Cassie on the phone more often than she heard from Daniel who lived just a few miles away. In all fairness, it wasn’t as if she had tried to contact him either. In fact, had Daniel not run into her at the grocery store just days after Pete’s departure, he probably wouldn’t have known about their break-up. And, until today, she hadn’t seen Jack once since leaving the SGC.
Jack’s voice broke her reverie. “It’s nice.” And Sam’s ears, well attuned to his tone, heard a half-dozen other things that he didn’t say: it’s not your lab, it’s not your old office, it’s not where you should be, it’s not who you are, it’s all wrong, it’s all a lie.
And yet the desire to keep him in her sight as long as she could wouldn’t pay tribute to the doubts about her present circumstances. “It’s grown on me.” Did he hear the plea in her voice? I’m happy here now. Please be happy for me.
He turned toward her and examined her in much the same way she had just observed him looking at her books. As if testing their existence, their truth, their right to be there. And in a voice she could only label resigned acceptance he conceded. “I’m glad.”
Desperate to change the subject, Sam tried a neutral topic. “Talked to Daniel lately?” She moved to sit behind the desk, her feet tired from standing for the last hour in the most uncomfortable pumps ever designed.
Jack took the chair nearest to the window and shook his head. “He and Sarah have been traveling some. She was finally ready to see her family, and he wanted to be with her.”
“That’s great. For both of them. They deserve to be happy after everything that’s happened.” They all did, for that matter.
Jack adjusted in his chair a little before quietly speaking. “He told me that you and Pete…”
She couldn’t quite hold his gaze at the sound of her former lover’s name coming off his lips, and her eyes found a stapler on the desk to focus on. “It’s been a few months now. It was for the best.” And even though it was, it still hurt. Her only long-term relationship in almost a decade had been a failure. She was as pained about losing the man as she was about losing the dream of a future with someone that she cared about and who cared for her. The possibility of realizing that dream seemed more and more unlikely each day. The hope of children vanishing quickly as time marched on without regard for her or anyone else.
“I’m sorry.” A man of few words, Jack O’Neill rarely bothered to say anything he didn’t mean, unless of course, it was laced with sarcasm. But his words were as sincere as when he had said that he was happy for her when she and Pete had started dating. From the beginning, Sam had never doubted that he only wanted that which brought her happiness. Even at the expense of his own heart. Was it that he thought himself unworthy of love? Or was he truly that understanding of their circumstances? She wished her own acceptance had been so easy.
Only able to nod her response, she decided to continue in uncomfortable territory. “Daniel told me you were seeing someone for awhile.” She remembered going to Pete after Daniel had called with some technical question and had accidentally let it slip that Jack was out with his girlfriend. That night had been filled with frantic lovemaking initiated by her, welcomed by him, and yet emptiness laid in its wake. It wasn’t long after that the ring came off her finger for good. If there was one thing that Sam was unable to hide from herself since Pete had left, it was that her feelings for Jack ran as deep as her instinct to breathe, to eat, to survive. It was a part of her that she couldn’t shut off, could no longer ignore and certainly couldn’t give up. She had tried that once with unmitigated defeat.
Jack’s eyes were unseeing as he stared out the window. “It was just for a few months. She didn’t mind the late nights or the strange phone calls. Just sort of went along with it all. Like Sara used to.”
His ex-wife’s name piqued her curiosity. “Can I ask what happened, sir?”
His head whipped up at the formal address, which had been absent since their arrival in her office. “It just didn’t work out. Happens all the time, doesn’t it?”
“I guess so.” But she didn’t miss the edge to his rhetorical question. He had been hurt, or perhaps rather, was disappointed in himself for causing pain. With Jack, the feelings were really one and the same, for when those he cared about were hurt, he felt the pain as if were his own. Doubly so if he had been the one to cause the injury.
Clearing his throat to signal a change in topic, his eyes roamed back to the group picture as he steered to safe conversation. “I hear Cassie has a new boyfriend.”
An instant smile came to Sam’s face. “Apparently he’s ‘the one,’ or at least the one of the month.” She remembered the hour-long phone call from Cassie describing exactly how their first date had gone. It wasn’t the first time her love life had been far more exciting than Sam’s; and while she didn’t envy Cassie the inevitable ups and downs of her youthful romances, she couldn’t help but wonder if that exhilarating feeling of falling in love would ever be hers again.
And then all too soon for her liking, Jack rose slowly out of the chair. “Well, I’d better get going. I’m sure you have a lot of work to do before the exam next week.”
An illogical panic formed in her chest- a tightening of her muscles, increased heart rate, rapid breathing. Some flight or fight instinct was telling her that *this* was the moment. Where she either let him walk away or found a way to keep him there. And yet she was unable to move from her chair. The words wouldn’t come. And even her imploring eyes weren’t enough to stop him from walking toward the door.
His hand resting on the knob, he tuned his body halfway back toward her. “It was good to see you again, Carter.” And without waiting for a response, he opened the door and walked back into the hallway.
Three minutes later, she realized that he would still need two more minutes to walk to his truck in the guest parking lot and drive away. But some part of her was still powerless to take action. Unable to reach beyond the barriers between them, however self-imposed.
A knock on the door broke her struggle.
Terrified, and yet irrationally hopeful, she wondered if maybe he had changed his mind. Decided to ask her out to dinner. For a beer. To come over for a hockey game. Anything. She called out with more expectancy than she would have liked. “Yes?”
“Colonel Carter?” The door creaked open just enough for one of the cadets in her class to poke her head through. “I wondered if you had time to go over some of the math problems from the last chapter?”
Sam’s old friends, work and duty, had rescued her again. “Of course. Come in and have a seat.”
*****
Over two hours later, Sam found herself sitting at her desk. Alone again. Her office hours were officially over for the day, and she was exhausted. Even a workout didn’t hold any appeal. However, the thought of stopping by the Chinese place on her way home to get egg rolls and broccoli with garlic sauce caused her empty stomach to rumble loudly. Stopping by the gym only to change into her sweats so that she wasn’t wearing a skirt and heels the whole way home, she decided the best thing to do was pick up dinner and enjoy a quiet evening at home. Maybe some wine. A sci-fi movie. Definitely some ice cream.
The parking lot next to the restaurant was completely full, which was not unusual for a Thursday night. She was mildly irritated at herself for not calling her order in ahead of time, but it wasn’t as if she were on a schedule or anything. So, she settled for a metered space a block down the road and walked quickly back toward the restaurant. The chilly December wind blew against her face, but she wasn’t complaining. It did feel refreshing, and she needed all the help she could get in clearing her mind.
Walking up the few steps to the ornately decorated red door, she stopped just shy of getting hit in the face as it opened quickly toward her. Looking up into the eyes of the hurried patron exiting, she should have been more surprised to come face to face with Jack O’Neill for the second time that day. But he hadn’t ventured far from her thoughts, and so it somehow seemed appropriate that he was standing so close once again.
“It’s pretty crowded in there.” His thumb jerked back toward the building where Sam could just catch a glimpse of a line of people waiting for tables.
“Should’ve called ahead.” Hunger pangs in full force, she wondered where the nearest fast food place was. She was desperate for anything resembling food, and her refrigerator wouldn’t exactly have any contents to fit the bill.
“There’s a Thai place a couple of blocks up.”
Hope warred with wariness at the inflection she heard in his voice. Was he actually inviting her to dinner, or just offering a suggestion to a friend? Taking a neutral tone, she glanced down at her apparel and decided to take a chance. “I’m not exactly dressed for dinner.”
His eyes never left her face as he replied. “You look great.”
Grateful that the dark evening sky hid her blush, she ducked her head and started to walk up the street. Not sure where to start the conversation, she wondered what they had to say to each other now that the “safe topics” like Daniel and Cassie had already been covered. But she soon realized that she shouldn’t have worried. General O’Neill was not a man to be put off by a little silence, and the few times she had stolen glances of him during their brief two block walk, she was pleased beyond reason to see one of those rare smiles she had only been privy to a handful of times over the years. The satisfaction that having dinner with her could be any part of the reason for his happiness made the silence seem precious somehow, as if words could only taint the moment between them.
The well-hidden Thai restaurant had several empty tables. The locals used it mostly for take-out, and while the kitchen was always quite busy, the dining room was nearly deserted. Sam had only been here two or three times over the years, but Jack was on a first name basis with the man she guessed was the owner as well as the host. They were immediately shown to a table and served some hot tea. A young woman arrived shortly thereafter to take their order, and then the silence returned.
Finally, Jack leaned across the table, and caught her eyes. “Pretend I’m Daniel.”
“Huh?” She really wasn’t following.
“If you were out to dinner with Daniel, what would you say to him?”
He was enjoying throwing her off balance, something Daniel certainly didn’t do, at least not on purpose. And Sam could barely keep from smiling at the way Jack’s eyes danced with affection. Looking at Daniel never induced that kind of response either. “I don’t know.”
“Sure you do. The two of you are never at a loss for words, even if you’re talking over each other half the time. So, what if he were sitting here instead of me? What would you tell him about your day?”
Her eyes widened as she searched her memories of the day’s events. There was a moment that she had wanted to tell Daniel about, even though she knew she probably wouldn’t pick up the phone to do it. But he would have understood her pride in getting through to her students. Her satisfaction in being appreciated at the end of the last class, even if the applause had been a bit embarrassing.
“Sam?” His query broke her thought process.
“Okay. Well, before you walked in this afternoon, I had just wrapped up the semester and given instructions for the final exam.’ She took a deep breath and could actually feel the color come to her cheeks as she finished the rest of the story. “And when I was through talking, the students applauded me. Which really isn’t a big deal because they did that sometimes when I was a guest lecturer, too. I mean, it’s only polite, I guess, but...” She looked down at the table, avoiding his reaction. Would he think she was being boastful?
“But it’s still nice to be appreciated. Especially when you’ve worked so hard.”
She could feel his eyes on her and finally looked up to meet them. She saw only pride reflected there, like he usually bestowed on her after a job well-done.
“Yeah, it is.” Spared further introspection by the arrival of their appetizers, she decided to turn the tables. “Your turn.”
With a mouthful of crab rangoon, he answered as she had moments before. “Huh?”
“Pretend I’m Daniel and tell me something about your day.” She popped a piece of crispy wonton into her mouth at his surprised expression.
“Just the usual. Meetings. Reports. Reports about the meetings. Then meetings about the reports. How Hammond did that for seven years, I’ll never know.”
She chuckled. “He seemed to enjoy it well enough for the most part.”
Reaching for a spring roll, the typical Jack sarcasm returned. “He and I are slightly different, in case you haven’t noticed.”
“Believe me, I’ve noticed.” They all had as soon as Hammond had left the mountain. In many ways, Jack was more by-the-book than Hammond. He wasn’t nearly as casual with his teams, and Sam guessed it was more of a way to assert his new authority among a group that had previously been his peers and teammates than any underlying change in attitude.
Halting mid-bite, Jack couldn’t let the comment slide. “Meaning?”
Looking up from her plate, Sam realized that he took her comment the wrong way. “Nothing. Well, at least nothing bad.”
Obviously not persuaded, Jack still hadn’t resumed eating.
She sighed, resigned to the fact that she would either have to explain or risk hurting his feelings. “It’s just that it’s always different under a new CO. Not better or worse. Just different. The whole structure had changed, and you happened to be the person that had to replace a great man, as well as deal with the reorganization. It was a hard spot to be in.”
“True enough.” And while he did take a bite of the spring roll, Sam got the distinct impression that she either had said too much or not enough.
But she couldn’t take back anything, so she decided to push on. “It was just hard for us to see so much fall on your shoulders as soon as you came back. You were stuck fixing problems that you didn’t create and couldn’t catch your breath. We were worried about you.”
Seemingly placated by her explanation, he continued to eat and watched her for several minutes. “Daniel said the same thing to me about a month into it.”
Her confused look prompted him to expound. “That the three of you were worried about me. Well, that the two of you were worried, and Teal’c hadn’t said anything when Daniel mentioned it.” He fidgeted with the food on his plate and continued quietly. “To be honest, I was worried about me.”
Sam swallowed hard and resisted the urge to reach out her hand across the table. She honestly didn’t know what to say.
“But I had this amazing Lieutenant Colonel Theoretical Astrophysicist working for me. And I knew she would either kick my ass, or save it, as appropriate.”
Her smile returned as he intended. “She must have been something else.” She knew he couldn’t resist an opening like that. She mentally prepared herself for the sarcastic comment that was sure to follow.
But his reply was serious and as sincere as she’d ever heard him. “The best I’ve ever worked with.” She watched him watch her as he continued. “I never told her that enough. And I should have.”
“I knew.” But she saw his doubtful face and conceded his point. “Well, maybe not always, especially in the beginning. But when it counted, I knew.”
The moment was broken by the arrival of dinner, and then conversation returned to her class, followed by his lecture, and ending with the most important decision of the day. “Dessert?” She knew he couldn’t resist, and truth be told, she wasn’t really looking forward to the end of the evening.
As predicted he gladly obliged, and coconut ice cream with fried bananas topped off their dinner. He paid the bill when she slipped to the restroom, and she wasn’t the least bit surprised. Nor did she argue, which she guessed did surprise him. The wind was still blowing as they stepped on to the sidewalk. Sam looked at her watch to find it was 2030.
“Did you have plans later?” To anyone else, it would have seemed as if he were only mildly interested in her schedule. Worried that he might have made her late for something. But Sam knew there was a hidden question beyond the one he voiced aloud.
Deciding to end any further speculation, she answered with complete certainty. “No plans.” Then realizing she wanted to know the same in return, even if a part of her may not want to hear the response, she took a chance. “You?”
He half-laughed his reply. “No.”
Still shaking his head in amusement, Sam couldn’t help but ask the obvious. “Why are you laughing?”
“Don’t you think it’s unlikely that I would have plans on a Thursday night? Hell, *any* night for that matter.”
Exasperated, she replied with the facts. “Well, you were seeing someone recently, and I can’t think of any reason that an available, attractive man couldn’t get a date on a Thursday night if he wanted one.”
His eyebrows raised and his lips twitched. “Attractive?”
Damn! How did he always manage to make her lose her footing like that? “Well, of course, attractive. You don’t think I’d spend the evening with an *un*attractive man, do you?” She was grateful they were just a few feet away from her car, and she could soon make her escape before further sticking her foot in her mouth.
And even though her comeback was good, it wasn’t good enough to erase the full-fledged smile that had erupted at her words. “Any chance you might want to spend Friday night with an available, attractive guy, too?”
Stopping the search for her keys at the bottom of her purse, she looked up into his suddenly serious face and had to answer honestly. “I can’t. There’s an evening lecture in the environmental engineering department, and even though it’s not my area, I’ve been encouraged to attend cross-disciplinary functions to get to know other faculty members.”
He chuckled. “Sounds boring as hell.”
Finally finding her keys, she sighed in agreement. “It’s on toxic waste. The title is something like ‘How we got it, where we keep it, and how we get rid of it.’ Luckily, the lecture is restricted to an hour, but there is a wine and cheese reception after that I have to attend.”
He nodded before doing his best fake smile. “Have fun.”
“Oh, I doubt it. Even Daniel would be bored to tears.” And then a radical thought occurred to her. He would never accept, but she could at least offer. Let him know she wasn’t giving him the brush-off. “You could come if you wanted. I know you probably don’t want to. I mean, I don’t really want to. But you could if you did.” God, could she ramble any more?
He studied her face for what felt like minutes, but couldn’t have been more than a few seconds. “Sure.”
Her eyes widened in astonishment.
“You know how I feel about the environment.” He ducked his head, the double meaning obvious to them both through the humor.
She cleared her throat to find her voice. “It starts at 1730, but we should get there early if we want to get a seat in the back.” She hit the “unlock” button on her key fob and watched the lights on the car blink twice.
“I’ll pick you up at 1700?” He didn’t move as she walked toward her car door.
“Sounds good.” She only turned to look at him once the door was open, and she had wedged herself between it and the car. Her voice softened of its own volition. “Thanks for dinner.”
“Drive safely.” He waited until he heard her car start, and then with a small wave, he started the walk back to his truck.
She pulled out of the space and headed home when the startling realization came that she was dating Jack O’Neill. And that not once all night had she called him by his name.
The evening progressed as she expected in many ways: boring lecture, cheap wine, and stale crackers. There were a few surprises, however. The first was seeing Jack in a suit. Sure, she had seen him dozens of times in his dress blues; but the way the dark gray of the soft fabric played against the silver in his hair had left her speechless as she opened the door.
It wasn’t until he helped her with her coat, surprise number two, that she found her voice and decided to rectify the omission of the night before. “Thanks for doing this, Jack. I’d like to be able to say it won’t put you to sleep, but…”
“I promise not to snore.” The boyish grin left her completely unarmed. Whether it was at the joke or her use of his name, she couldn’t tell, but she wondered if her grin was equally as obvious.
The third surprise of the evening came as he dropped her off at home. The memory of it was actually causing her to shake, and her usually nimble fingers fumbled with the deadbolt in an effort to create some physical distance between herself and the man on the other side of the door.
It had just been a kiss. Not too long, not too hard. Simply soft and unassuming.
And terribly, terribly, toe-tinglingly *him*.
Once she saw the beam of his headlights pull out of her driveway and heard his truck drive down the street, she allowed the full weight of her body to sink back against the door. Simultaneously sighing and smiling like an idiot, she wondered when she had reverted back to Cassie’s age.
Strike that.
She was quite certain Cassie would behave with less adolescent excitement than Sam currently felt. If only because she was still in her “cool” phase, which prohibited her from showing much outward emotion. It was scary how the older she got, the more she took after Teal’c. Maybe it was some bizarre alien thing.
But the point was that she had just been out on a date with *him*. A date, she might add, that ended in a kiss that gave new meaning to the terms “weak-kneed” and “toe-curling.” The thing was, Sam didn’t even think he had tried. It had all seemed so natural: the drive home, talking about nothing in particular; the way he opened her door and helped her out of his truck (she was in heels, after all); and the way he made sure she had her keys, and then took them from her so that he could open her front door.
So sweet.
So gentlemanly.
So Jack O’Neill???
A complete.
And total.
Gentleman.
Who would have thought? Certainly not Sam. To be fair, she assumed he had his romantic streak He had been happily married for nearly fifteen years after all, and what little bit she knew about his ex-wife, it didn’t seem as though she was the type to let him get away with being a jerk.
It was just that she hadn’t expected the whole package. The kindness, the shyness, the tentative way he looked at her when he handed back her keys and asked if maybe she wanted to go out again sometime. And *god* the way he looked at her when she nodded and said that she would like that. A lot. She really thought about pulling him into her house right at that moment and doing unspeakable acts with him.
But he, with still one more surprise up his sleeve, had other plans. With the hint of a smile that said “I-know-exactly-what-you-want-but-you’re-not-getting-it-tonight,” he leaned forward and kissed her. He didn’t make any other contact: one hand was holding open her screen door, and the other held his own keys. He didn’t make a show of leaving or having been affected in any way. Just a simple “good night,” and he watched her until she moved inside the house before he got in his truck.
She was quite certain that this was the one and only time she had been left feeling giddy *and* frustrated at the same time after a date. She’d say this for him, at least he was nothing if not able to *still* amaze her.
Pushing herself off the door, smile still permanently attached (she wondered if she would end up sleeping like that and wake up with the same look in the morning?), she walked inside the kitchen to grab a bottle of water before heading off to what promised to be a night full of interesting dreams. If she could get to sleep, that was.
Sipping the cool liquid, she rounded the corner into her bathroom and switched on the light. Eyeing herself critically in the mirror, she guessed she hadn’t looked too bad. She examined her face again. Yep. Perma-grin still in place. Too tired to bother with anything but brushing her teeth, her hands automatically went for the toothbrush while turning on the water. Finishing the task at hand, she made her way to her bedroom, flipping on the overhead light. Turning down the covers, she let her mind wander back to the evening just spent in the company of her former CO.
It was liberating in a way that she hadn’t expected. That they would enjoy each other’s company, she never really doubted. But the freedom of being allowed to feel and think and just *be* around him was now hers. It was exhilarating and overwhelming and a bit scary, too. An accurate description of the man himself in so many ways.
Exchanging her dress for sweats and a t-shirt, she climbed into bed with nothing more than the feel of his lips on hers to occupy her mind. In a haze of comfort and warmth, her eyelids drooped as she succumbed to the sound of the winter wind blowing through bare branches.
*****
Between exam preparation and shopping for Christmas gifts, Sam hadn’t had a spare minute to relax, let alone find time to actually go out on a date in the past few nights. It was during the hour she spent at the gym every morning that her mind was free to wander back to the two evenings she had recently shared with Jack. He had called the day after the lecture, but not the day after that or the day after that. To be fair, she hadn’t exactly made an effort to contact him either, but her days started early and ended late, and she didn’t know quite what to say to the man that had so easily reentered her life. So easily made her laugh and smile and feel the spark that they had always shared in a whole new way.
But by the fourth day since she had last seen him, the awkwardness of starting a conversation was outweighed by the simple fact that she missed him. His voice. His humor. So, with an unsteady hand, she picked up the phone to dial when an email popped up on her screen. Their timing had always been interesting, to say the least.
Hey Sam,
I didn’t want to call you this week. I know you’re busy with exams, and even though I do my holiday shopping the night before, I’m sure you’re working your way down the list you’ve had since July.
Hope everything is going okay. Don’t forget Daniel’s party on Friday night. If you need a ride, call me.
Jack
The message was short and sweet, but the meaning was clear. He was giving her space, while letting her know he was ready and willing to be there if she wanted. She marveled at the differences between him and Pete, and wondered- not for the first time- if she would have ever walked down the aisle with Pete even if they hadn’t fought so regularly. Did she ever really give her heart to him? Or was it just her body along with a desperate wish to be close to someone after so many years of being alone? She imagined the truth was somewhere in between for she had loved him, in a way, but never totally. How could she when the man whose name was calling to her from the computer screen had held a piece of her heart next to his for so long? The desire to call him and hear his voice intensified, but she had a faculty meeting in a few minutes and so settled for a short reply.
Hi Jack,
You were right that this week has been a little crazy. In fact, I have a faculty meeting in a few minutes. But I wanted to tell you that I am still going to Daniel’s, although I have to meet you there. Our holiday party is also that night, and I can’t miss my first one here. It should end early though, so I don’t think I’ll be too late.
Yes, my shopping is almost done, and now I have to start wrapping, but I need more paper and bows! One more stop should finish my list, and then after my last exam administration, I’ll have all of holiday break to grade them. And I’ll have more time for other things, too.
See you Friday,
Sam
As much as she wanted to make time to see him before then, she was determined not to make the same mistake with Jack that she had made with Pete and rush in before she knew what she was feeling. With Pete, it had been a head-over-heels kind of thrill that lasted for the first few months, but the aftermath had revealed much less of a relationship foundation than she had initially believed was there. Had wanted to believe existed between them. And even though she had known Jack for eight years as a colleague and commanding officer, she had known him for only a few weeks as just a man. One capable of loving her and hurting her in equal portions. She couldn’t trust herself with him completely yet. It was still too soon.
*****
Relieved that the meeting originally scheduled for three hours ended just shy of two, Sam walked to her car wondering how to spend the extra hour. What she *should* do was make the last stop at the mall that would finish her shopping list, but the thought of facing the crowds was enough to deter her. Instead, she made the decision to try and find the remaining gifts online, and spend a few extra dollars for a quick delivery. She could stop at the drug store over the weekend for the paper and bows she needed to wrap the gifts she had already purchased.
Making quick work of the ten mile drive home, she pulled into the driveway with thoughts of what kind of frozen dinners she had to heat up that would pass as a meal. Keys in hand, she walked up the few steps to her porch and felt the doorframe resist her pull. Setting down her briefcase, she noticed for the first time a long cardboard box with unmistakable handwriting on top: To make things less crazy.
Moving the box to the side of the door, she noticed that it was fairly light and wondered with childlike excitement what could possibly be inside. Leave it to him to end a hectic day with a much-needed smile. Ungracefully getting herself, the box and her briefcase through the front door, she closed it against the chilly air and made a dramatic sigh of relief. Inhaling deeply the warm comfort of her own home, she smelled something vaguely familiar. Her nose started to twitch as her stomach worked with it to identify the odor. Garlic for sure… And coming from the box …
Kneeling down next to it, she carefully dragged her key across the tape that sealed the top, and slowly opened the flaps to reveal exactly what she needed. Two large bags of holiday-colored bows, three rolls of wrapping paper, and take-out from the Chinese restaurant where she had run into him nearly a week ago. Of course, he knew what she would have ordered. And it was perfect. She could finish her wrapping tonight and enjoy a decent meal as well.
The nervousness from earlier in the day long gone, she picked up the phone without hesitation and called him. But much to her disappointment, he didn’t answer, and she was stuck leaving a message on his machine.
“Hi. It’s me. I just got home and opened your present. Thank you. It’s exactly what I needed. I’ve actually decided to avoid the mall and finish everything else online anyway. Well, I’d better go heat my dinner before it gets too late.” She paused, not sure how to end, not wanting to terminate even that brief contact. “Thanks again. I’ll be up wrapping for a while if you want to call me back. But if not, that’s okay. I’ll see you Friday. Bye.”
Feeling inexplicably disappointed, Sam set down the receiver and began the mundane tasks of starting laundry, heating her dinner, and trying to find something completely mind-numbing on television. She settled on the Weather Channel, no doubt Jonas’s lingering influence, and began wrapping presents between bites of broccoli and rice. She was only half aware of the weather forecast, but did note the phrase “severe winter storm warning” that was being predicted for Friday afternoon. Just her luck that she would have to drive from the Academy to Daniel’s that night, but half the time, the forecast was wrong anyway. Briefly considering that maybe she should drop off her presents the night before, just in case the storm was as bad as they thought it was going to be, she realized that it would take one hell of a blizzard to keep her away from that party.
It would be the first time she had seen Daniel and Sarah in awhile. But the real reason was hidden just beneath the simple façade of wanting to see her friends over the holidays. It would be the first time she had seen Jack since their first real date. Their first real kiss. She smiled at the thought and went back to wrapping until the phone ringing interrupted her. Fairly certain as to who was the caller, she waited until the third ring to pick up, and then answered as casually as possible. “Hello?”
“Sam, hi. It’s me, Pete.”
Stunned, she didn’t know what to say. Emotions from months ago flooded back immediately: his warmth, his humor, his anger, his possessiveness. Her need, her desires, her confusion, her love for another man.
“Sam? Are you there?”
Taking a deep breath, she finally answered. “Yeah, sorry.”
“That’s okay. I’m sure I was the last person you expected to hear from.”
That was true enough, and she didn’t really feel in the mood for small talk. “Is something wrong?”
He chuckled. “Straight and to the point, huh? Okay, I can do that. Look, I’m going to be in the Springs this weekend, and I thought maybe we could get together. We never really did talk after…”
She nodded even though he couldn’t see her. Their conversations since the break-up had centered mostly on when they could pick up their respective belongings from each other’s houses. And while Sam certainly didn’t hold any ill will towards Pete- in fact, he had been there for her in a way no one else could be for a long time- she had no wish to rekindle their romance or give him any encouragement along those lines. “Actually, I have two holiday parties this weekend, and I still have quite a bit of shopping to take care of.” It was all true, if not the whole story.
“Oh.” The disappointment in his voice was obvious. But it only strengthened her resolve to keep the distance between them.
“Look, Pete, I don’t think-“ She was spared the awkward conversation by the beep of her call waiting indicator. “Sorry, but I’m expecting the call that’s on the other line.”
“No problem. It was good to talk to you again, Sam.”
“Goodbye, Pete.” She didn’t wait for his response as she hit the flash button to switch to the other line. “Hello?”
“Hey.”
She knew without a doubt that he could tell she switched from another call as the line skipped out when Pete hung up. She wasn’t going to lie about the identity of the first caller, but she didn’t want to volunteer the information either. It was still so new and fragile between them. “Hi.” She let out a sigh with double meaning: relief of ending contact with Pete, and contentedness at hearing the voice that was now on the other end of the line.
“Did I call too late?”
She smiled. She was really going to have to get used to this man who was thoughtful and considerate all the time. “No. I just finished wrapping the last present, and I ate dinner about half an hour ago.”
“Good, good. I didn’t want to wake you.” Was it her imagination, or did he sound nervous?
“You didn’t. I’m glad you called back.” And his timing couldn’t have been better.
“Called back from what?”
Genuinely confused she answered slowly. “From the message I left earlier at your house. Thanking you for the gifts. They were just what I needed.”
“You’re welcome. I actually haven’t made it home yet. One of our teams made it in late.” He sounded so tired, and a mental image of him sitting at his desk, slouched forward in his chair, hair sticking up every which way popped into her mind.
“Everything okay?” She knew he couldn’t give her details anymore, but she had to ask.
“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just wanted to make sure you didn’t miss dinner. You never could remember to eat after a late meeting.” It was theoretically impossible to hear a smirk over the phone, but Sam was sure she just did. Science be damned. There wasn’t any logic to explain their connection at times.
“We got out early, actually, but you’re right. I had no idea what to eat.” But as much as she was enjoying their banter, she was quite certain there was another reason he called. Jack O’Neill never was one for small talk either. “Jack, was there something you wanted?”
Silence. It confirmed what she suspected. There was something wrong. “Jack?”
“I know it’s kind of sudden. The idea just sort of came to me, and I wanted you to know before everyone starts making dinner plans at Daniel’s for Christmas.”
Her stomach couldn’t decide if it was doing flip-flops because it was excited or anxious, but all she could manage was an “Oh?”
“You know the holidays are hard for me.” Since Charlie. The words hung more heavily than if they had been spoken. “And even though Colorado is supposed to get hit with a big storm this weekend, Minnesota is having a pretty light winter.”
Her brain processed his words. He was going to the cabin. And unless she had totally misunderstood, he wasn’t exactly asking her along. Not that she would have gone anyway. She was planning on spending Christmas with Cassie, which he knew. “When are you leaving?”
“Saturday morning, assuming we’re not snowed in from the storm that’s expected the night before.”
At least he wouldn’t miss Daniel’s party. But all of a sudden she couldn’t imagine not being in contact with him for very long. Ironic considering they had been out of touch for months before the last week. “How long are you staying?”
He sighed, but whether from exhaustion or sadness, she couldn’t tell. “A week, maybe ten days.”
She realized how hard this must be for him. Every year another reminder of what he had lost. Despite her own feelings, she wasn’t going to make this time of year harder for him. “I understand, and I’m just glad you’ll be at Daniel’s.”
“Thanks. Well, I’d better let you go. One more report to read and then I can get out of here.” His voice sounded so tight, she wondered if he was going to snap. The burden of command combined with the stress of the holidays were enough to break anyone. Even him.
‘Have a good night then.” But she didn’t want to hang up. Didn’t want to wait until Friday to hear his voice again.
“You, too.” The softness in those two words melted her heart.
“Jack?” Did she sound as panicked as she felt that the line was about to go dead?
“Hmmm?”
“I’m glad you called.” Glad you told me what you were thinking. And feeling. Glad that you’re part of my life again.
“Sleep well.” And somehow, she knew she would.
*****
The following three days passed with only exchanges of quick emails and messages left on machines. They always seemed to miss each other, and for Sam, it only served to add to the anticipation of seeing him after the Academy party was over. As her luck would have it, dinner had been served late, followed by awkward dances with colleagues she barely knew, and rounded off with a random gift exchange in which she had been the recipient of a pine scented candle in a ceramic holder. Maybe she could send it back with Cassie for her dorm room.
The real problem now was the weather. As the faculty had sat down to rubber chicken and mushy peas, the predicted snow storm had blown in, leaving Sam with several inches of powder to brush off of her car before she could begin the journey to Daniel’s apartment. Even with the defroster going full blast, it still took nearly fifteen minutes to clear the windows, and Sam wondered at the wisdom of making the trip. Even if the driving wasn’t bad now, how would it be when she was ready to leave? Of course, she could always stay at Daniel’s; but Cassie was due in sometime on Saturday, and Sam wanted to be there when she walked through the door .
Realizing there wasn’t really any way to avoid driving some distance, she opted for Daniel’s so she could at least drop off the gifts and see Jack. Butterflies flitted in the pit of her stomach as she realized it would be the first time they had been together in front of their friends. She wondered if he had already told Daniel about their earlier dates, or more likely, Daniel guessed that something was going on and pried the rest of the information out of Jack. While she guessed that Daniel would be happy for them, she wondered if it would be as odd for him to see them together as it had been for her to call Jack by his name. But, she reminded herself, that got easier every time, and it would for their friends, too.
Carefully maneuvering out of the parking lot and into the streets, she felt the car being pulled by the strong winds and gripped the steering wheel tightly. Thankfully, the plows and the sand trucks had been through the main roads, but traffic was still at a crawl. Stopped at a red light, she hit the #5 speed dial on her cell phone. After the fourth ring, she heard the background noises of the party, but no voice. “Daniel?”
“Sam? Is that you? We were wondering if you were going to make it.”
“The party went later than I expected, but I’m on my way. Traffic is pretty slow, and I’m guessing it will be another 20 minutes at least.”
“Don’t hurry. We’ll still be here, and… what?” She could hear muffled voices in the distance. “Sam, wait a minute. Someone wants to talk to you.”
The light flashed green, and she knew she really should hang up and keep both hands on the wheel. But she also had a pretty good idea about who was getting on the phone next and couldn’t bring herself to end the call. She waited as she heard the receiver change hands.
“Sam, are you crazy? It’s a freakin’ blizzard out there.”
Yes, she probably was crazy, and yes, it was a blizzard. But damn it, she wanted to be there with him. “The streets are clear; it’s just slow, that’s all.”
She heard him sigh and guessed he was as torn as she was between seeing her before he left for Minnesota and wanting her off the roads. But before she could say more, a strong wind blew against the car and she had to drop the phone to control the wheel. She pulled over to the side of the road and turned her emergency lights on so that other cars could see her against the blinding snowfall. She could frantically hear Jack calling her name on the other end.
Feeling around by her feet for the phone, she picked it up and answered through deep breaths. “I’m here. The wind gusts are really strong so I pulled over. Look, I hate to do this, but I think I have to turn around to go home. Even if I make it there, I’ll never make it home tonight.”
“I’m just glad you’re okay.” She could hear his heavy breathing against her ear. “Drive safely, and I’ll call you from the road tomorrow.” He sounded as disappointed as she felt, especially with the news that he was still planning on leaving despite the storm. But the interstate would probably be clear by morning, and Cassie would be coming home.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She closed her eyes against the frustration welling up inside her. She just wanted to see him once more. Wanted one more kiss. One more laugh. Why were things always so hard between them?
“Goodnight, Sam. And turn off your phone!” At least she got her laugh. And as ordered, she powered down her cell phone with a smile on her face. Waiting until the road was clear, she signaled back onto the street, and started toward home.
*****
It appeared as though the residential streets of her neighborhood had been plowed less often than the main roads she had been on so far. Carefully navigating the turn toward her house, she wasn’t surprised to see that her neighbors were all home. A few kids were even brave enough to be out making snowmen despite the flakes that continued to fall hard and fast.
She was almost to her house when she saw an SUV parked in her driveway. Pulling up behind it slowly, she recognized the blue Dodge Durango immediately. And then she saw its driver open his door as she did the same. Irritation mixed with concern as she appraised the situation. “Pete, what are you doing here?”
“I-25 is closed both ways because of the wind gusts. The only hotel I know is full.”
She heard the plea in his voice. He couldn’t get home and very likely all of the hotels around were booked with holiday travelers stranded by the storm. He needed a place to stay for the night, and there was no way she could turn him away. “Come on in.”
He turned back toward his car to pull out an overnight bag as she waded through the drifting snow up to her front door. Once inside, she turned on the overhead light and turned up the heat. Pete followed inside just a minute later, set his bag down, and took off his boots and coat in the entryway. “It’s really awful out there. Thanks for putting me up.”
She smiled at him while taking off her coat and walking toward the answering machine. “It’s not a problem. The spare room is made up in case Dad could make it home for Christmas. I’m sure the roads will be clear by morning.” She hoped he got the subtext of what she was saying to him. He was welcome for one night as a guest, nothing more.
From a foot away, she could see the red indicator light was blinking on the answering machine. One blink meant one message. She hesitated, wondering who the message was from. Daniel maybe, asking if she was still coming before she had managed to reach him. Jack possibly, seeing if she got home okay. Cassie probably, saying she was going to be running late tomorrow. But she didn’t make a move toward pressing ‘play.’
As if sensing her reluctance to play the message in his presence, Pete took his bag in hand again and mumbled, “I’ll get settled for the night.”
She watched him retreat down the hall and waited until she heard the bedroom door shut before she played the message. Cassie’s voice bubbled through the speaker. “Hi Sam, it’s me. My roommate’s family asked me to go skiing with them in Vail for holiday break. They have this cool condo with a hot tub and spa that’s really close to the slopes. I hope you don’t mind, but I told them I’d go. I figured we would probably end up at Daniel’s anyway, and I’ll call you over there on Christmas day. Thanks for understanding. I love you. Bye.”
Sam sighed deeply as the tape rewound on the machine. In one night, she had managed to end up with her ex-fiancé sleeping in her guest room, miss her last night with Jack for at least a week, and end up alone on Christmas day. She couldn’t be mad at Cassie for wanting to have fun over the break. The holidays were as hard for her as they were for Jack, and Sam was just grateful that she wanted to be around people and not avoid making new memories. There was no way she could know that Daniel and Sarah were flying out Monday morning to spend the holidays with her sister’s family.
Still, Sam couldn’t help but feel sorry for herself in a way she hadn’t in months. Not since Pete had left and she was overwhelmed with her workload at the Academy. Maybe a hot shower would wash the feeling away. Walking tiredly down the hall toward the bathroom, she stopped at Pete’s door to tell him she was taking a shower and was then going to bed. He replied with a quick “night” and she shook her head. She wondered if he had even stopped by a hotel at all or had come straight to her house.
The hot water beating down on her skin did ease some of the tension in her body. She was sure everything would seem better after a good night’s sleep. Pete would be gone, and Jack would call. Maybe it wasn’t too late to book a plane ticket to see Mark in San Diego for the holidays. Surely there had to be seats left on some airline. Feeling the hot water get cooler, she realized she must have been standing in the shower for quite awhile, and regretfully turned the water off. Putting on her pajamas and socks from the morning, she added her robe and slippers as extra protection against the drafts of the house. Just as she opened the bathroom door and stepped out into the hallway, she heard the unmistakable beep of her phone turning off and the receiver being placed back in its holder. Hurrying toward the living room, she called out to Pete. “Were you just on the phone?”
His face was blank as he replied. “Someone called while you were in the bathroom. I answered it, but there was no reply. Maybe the line went dead from the wind.” He shrugged as if it couldn’t possibly be anything of consequence.
Striding over to the phone, she hit the caller identification button. The viewer displayed the last call as a cell phone number that she recognized instantly. Jack had called, and Pete had answered. Oh god. He was going to go to Minnesota thinking that she wasn’t at Daniel’s party because she was with Pete instead. That she had chosen Pete over him.
Dialing the number she had memorized years ago, she waited impatiently as she counted the rings. One. Two. Three. And then a pause. “The number you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please try again later.”
Damn! She slammed the receiver down with more force than was necessary, and felt the familiar feeling of panic return. She was losing him again. But this time it wasn’t because of a malfunction with the gate or a sadistic alien or even in a trade to save humanity. It was just a simple misunderstanding that was no one’s fault. The difference this time was that she alone had the power to bring him back to her. To cross the barriers that had stood in their way for so long. The choice was hers, and her heart knew the answer.
Grabbing her keys from the counter, she picked up her purse and headed for the foyer. Without looking back, she opened the door and marched down her front stairs. She was vaguely aware of Pete yelling her name from inside the house. His voice, frantic and desperate for her to stay, called from the entryway. “Sam! You’ll freeze to death out there!”
Thoughts of her near-death experience in Antarctica from eight years ago immediately surfaced. How could she explain that even when her body had been at its coldest moment, she hadn’t had any regrets? That she had been where she wanted to be, with someone that she loved, although in a very different way at the time.
If only she could say the same now. Her racing mind conjured images of Jack back in Antarctica, frozen solid in an ice block that they knew might never thaw. Trapped along with pieces of her heart that she thought were forever lost in that lifeless chamber. Regrets of words never spoken, of feelings never acted upon, filled her heart one more time. And even though he wouldn’t understand, she spoke the only truth she knew. “No, Pete. I’ll freeze to death if I stay here.”
Trudging out into the snow with only her pajamas, robe, socks and slippers as cover against the storm, she made it to her car before turning around to see Pete standing in the doorway. His mouth hanging open in disbelief.
“Make sure to lock up when you leave in the morning.” Even if Jack rejected her, something she would *not* consider while driving in blizzard conditions, she wasn’t coming back to her house while Pete was there. She would be too raw, and she refused to make any more mistakes with him.
*****
The drive that normally took twelve minutes took over half an hour. Her only consolation was that at least Jack wouldn’t be insane enough to drive further than he had to in the current weather conditions so she was relatively certain he was back at home. And people called her the smart one, she mused. Only when it came to theory, it seemed. In real life, she was definitely at a disadvantage.
Thanking god that she had the sense enough to purchase an all-wheel-drive vehicle, she managed to make it to Jack’s cul-de-sac without incident. However, his street hadn’t been sanded yet, so after rounding the curve toward his house, Sam lost control and skidded onto his front lawn. She winced at how angry he was going to get about that, but figured it was the least of her worries.
Turning off the car, she took a deep breath. Now or never. Had it been warmer, she might have opted for at least collecting her thoughts before venturing out into the cold. But without the engine running, she was immediately chilled and knew she couldn’t wait any longer. Opening the door to the blustery conditions, she wondered if Pete was right, and she would end up freezing to death on Jack’s lawn.
She gathered her robe tightly around her and headed up toward the porch just as his living room light came on. Followed by the outside lights. And as she made it up to the first step, his front door swung open. Sam had to squint through the snowflakes clinging to her eyelashes to see the man she had made the journey for. The man to whom she was finally ready to give her heart. If only he would accept it with all its scars and fears.
“Carter, are you crazy?” His voice was less angry and more exasperated. It reminded her of her father’s tone when she would come in after curfew, and he was at a loss for how to punish her.
“Crazy, maybe. Cold, definitely. And very, very wet.” She wasn’t above manipulating him just a little to get inside the house. She knew he wouldn’t send her back to her car, nor was he about to offer to drive her anywhere given the current weather.
But he didn’t invite her in as much as step back into the house and leave the door open for her to follow. Upon entering, she immediately smelled the burning wood in his fireplace and longed for its warmth against her skin. Closing the door behind her, she had no sooner moved toward the living room than he reappeared with sweats and a towel. “We can put your stuff in the dryer; it won’t take long.”
Nodding, she accepted the bundle and went into his bathroom to change. He was treating her much like she had treated Pete. With cold courtesy. Like a virtual stranger. She realized belatedly that Pete had deserved better from her, but she didn’t know how to get closer without giving him the wrong signals. Maybe it would come with time. Maybe they could actually be just friends one day.
But time was a luxury she didn’t have with Jack. He was leaving tomorrow, and she had to get through to him tonight. Make him understand what had happened, or rather *hadn’t* happened with Pete. And why, finally, she was ready to accept his invitation to go fishing, even if the offer hadn’t been officially made in over two years.
Emerging from the bathroom, she made her way to the laundry room to put her clothes and the towel in the dryer. The sweats he had given her were too big, but they felt comfortable and warm, and she relished the close contact with even this little bit of him. Setting the dryer and making her way down the hall, she heard him throw more logs on the fire, and was glad for the extra warmth she knew it would provide.
He was kneeling with his back to her, facing the fire, but he heard her approach nonetheless. “Need anything else?” He then sat on the rug, elbows resting on his knees.
She walked next to where he sat and planted herself down beside him. “Actually, yes.”
No reaction. Not that she expected one.
“I need you to know that Pete showed up uninvited. That I didn’t know he was coming, and that when you called, I was in the shower trying to forget that I wasn’t going to see you for over a week.” She took a breath and sighed deeply. “All in all, this day couldn’t have been much worse.” She waited for his reply. His anger. His disbelief. But she didn’t get any of that.
“I figured it was something like that. The interstate is closed because of the winds.” His voice was calm and neutral. And immensely irritating.
“Then why did you turn off your cell phone?” Apparently she was the angry one. Wanting, needing him to feel something for her. For what was breaking apart right in front of them. If he could only see that she had come so far just to be with him.
“I didn’t. The battery went dead.” He stoked the fire to spark stronger flames.
“Oh.” Her bark immediately lost its bite. For once, he had been the logical one- assuming that things had just not gone as planned. But if that was really the case, then why hadn’t he called back from his land line once he had gotten home? And why had he called her Carter before? Something he hadn’t done since their date.
“Why didn’t you call back after you got home?” She knew she had him there.
“I did. Pete said you had left, and I put together the rest.” A smile crept onto his face as he finished his thought. “Of course, I wasn’t expecting that you would make tire tracks across my front lawn, but it’s a small price to pay.”
She still wasn’t buying it. He was hiding something, and she wasn’t going to let it go. “A small price to pay for what?”
“You. Here. Safe.” That voice. So low, so soft that she almost didn’t hear it above the crackling firewood.
And with those three words, he quieted the doubts in her heart. His secret was exposed. Had it always been as simple as that he loved her? That the thought of losing her was as frightening to him as it had always been to her? It was shaky ground for both of them. Neither having been terribly successful in the relationship department lately, she imagined he felt as insecure as she did about their ability to make it work between them.
“I want to go fishing with you.” She nearly blurted it out as one word.
He just shook his head. “You would be bored to tears in the first day. And unless you plan to go ice fishing, which by the way, I refuse to do, the only fish you’ll see will be from the store that’s nearly an hour away.”
Not in the least deterred, she continued to make her case. “I have tons of exams to grade. And the rough draft of my article is due in a month. I won’t have enough time to finish everything. You won’t even know I’m there.”
He chuckled. ”Sam, there’s no way in hell that I wouldn’t know you’re there.” He finally turned his head to look at her, and she wondered what he saw.
Sensing a weakening in his defenses, she decided to make her final plea. “It’s not that I mind spending Christmas alone, although to be honest I’d rather not.” She looked up into his uncertain gaze. “It’s that I want to spend it with you.”
He didn’t say a word as his eyes stayed locked with hers. Until finally, he broke eye contact and continued to watch the fire. His hands were still. “Are you sure about that?”
She hopped up immediately and strode to the door. Stopping only to get her keys and put a pair of his boots on, that even though too big, would at least keep her feet from freezing, she hurried out to her car. Noticing that the winds had died down and the snowflakes were coming at a less frantic pace, she opened the trunk. Inside were two large shopping bags full of gifts, and she lifted one out and carried it back to the house.
He was waiting for her at the door again, and curiosity as well as amusement were visible in his eyes. “Whatchya got there?”
She noticed he omitted the usual “Carter” from the end of his query, and decided it had to be a good sign. “The presents that I was going to bring to Daniel’s.”
And like the proverbial kid at Christmas, as soon as she let go of the bag to take off his boots, he had already started back toward the fireplace shaking the packages in the bag the whole way.
Following behind with a smirk on her face, she wondered if he had guessed the contents. But as he ripped the wrapping paper off the first box, she realized he was too excited to have any clue what was inside. There were about a dozen small gifts in the bag, each wrapped individually, and she hoped they conveyed the intended message clearly.
“Milk Duds?” He was genuinely confused, and she was enjoying having the upper hand for once. So with a knowing smile, she just nodded and watched as he opened a bag of chips next, followed by a crossword puzzle magazine, other assorted snacks, and finally a new Game Boy game with a value pack of batteries. He laid out the unwrapped gifts and studied them for a few seconds. “I don’t get it.”
“Did you read the card?” She knew it would explain the apparent randomness of her gifts.
Reaching into the bag a final time, he pulled out a small card and opened it. “For the road.” He looked up at her, back at the gifts, then back to the card. Finally, he gave up. “I don’t even like Mild Duds. You do! And how could I do a crossword puzzle, let alone play with my Game Boy, while I’m driving?” Complete exasperation marked his face.
And she kept right on smiling at him until the moment when irritation turned to understanding. And the smile he gave her back was the answer she had come looking for. Gathering the gifts back into the bag, smile still firmly in place, he couldn’t resist baiting her. “You’re driving first. That way I can fill in all of the easy answers to the crossword puzzle.”
She was almost as relieved as she was happy. “Fine, but then I get to play the game first.”
He looked at her in amused disbelief. “You want to play ‘Road Trip: Shifting Gears’?”
She shrugged. “It’s the first video game to have electric cars.” She said it so simply, as if the sentence was enough of an explanation.
But he wasn’t satisfied. “And soooo….”
A shy smile preceded her quiet reply. An echo of the thinly veiled feelings they had both shared for so long. A final confirmation that they had weathered the winter storm together. “You know how I feel about the environment.”
*****
That’s all folks!