A PA Story

By Holom

This is a work of fiction. It is meant for entertainment purposes only. If names, places, events, situations, or anything else are used in this sorry piece of literature, then it is a coincidence. Nothing more. Oh, and its copyrighted by me. Well…except the stuff that is already copyrighted by other people (please don’t sue!). So, uh, don’t steal it or I shall do something bad to you. Like disembowel you.

Have a nice day!!

Act 1

Narrator: This is the story of three men…and that’s all it says. Our writer is lazy.

Holom: Heh, sorry!

Narrator: ….Sigh, anyway! Our story starts in the small town of Houston…small? But it’s the fourth largest…ah forget it.

(Fade to black. Picture comes back, and we see Holom sitting at his computer, typing away in the PA Chat Room)

Holom: Yeah, well fuck you too.

Piotyr: Yeah!

Everyone except select few: Shut up Piotyr.

(Piotyr is then banned)

Holom: Poor guy…Well uh…anyway, unpleasantness aside, everyone is still set for Necrowombicon in two days, right?

Catch: Yep

Loser: Yep

Hardy: Right

Eden: Uh huh

Eld: Sure

Tonic: I am not coming

Holom: Why not?

Tonic: I am planning to take up smoking.

Loser: Um….ok. So Catch, are we still on to meet up in your car?

Catch: Yes, and don’t make it sound so gay, jesus.

Holom: lol, funny stuff

Eld: Shut up, Holmo

Holom: My bad….so, its gonna be kinda weird meeting all you guys in person, ya know?

Hardy: Not really

Eden: I don’t think so either

Holom: All right, I will just shut the fuck up then

Catch: You do that…and Holom, you better be able to roll when we get to my car up there, because God knows I can’t roll for shit.

Holom: Gotcha covered man. But, I am gonna go to bed. I will see you guys up in Vancouver.

(Holom leaves the chat room, and the conversation goes on)

Loser: I sure hope he doesn’t jack off in his pants up there.

Catch: No joke man, that would be sick

Hardy: Just keep him away from arousing things, and we shouldn’t have a problem

Catch: Well, there are mostly gonna be unattractive nerds there, so I don’t think that will be a problem.

Loser: Yeah, except us. Good thing we aren’t unattractive nerds, all us PA Chat guys are super h0t!

Hardy:Yeah!

Catch: Word

Eld: Preach it brotha’!

Eden: …….um….sure….

(Fade to black)

Narrator: Under normal circumstances, the writer would include something more of a beginning than this, but seeing as how this one is retarded…

Holom: The paint chips make me dizzy…

Narrator: Case in point. Moving on. Two days later, in Vancouver, America Jr., um wait…I mean Canada, all the PA Geeks flocked to the fabled Necrowombicon…what the hell kind of name is Necrowombicon anyway?

Holom: Just shut up and read your lines, George

Narrator: Fine…flocked to the fabled Necrowombicon where much joy was promised to await them. From gaming to…well, more gaming, Necrowombicon had all these things and food to boot. But no one knew the trouble that the three men would get into…

(Sky shot of Vancouver. Then a tight shot of the hotel Necrowombicon is being held in)

Holom: Well, here I am at the hotel. In Canada. Wow. Who would have ever thought?

(Holom walks into the hotel. He goes to the counter in the lobby, where twin blonde women wait on guests.)

Both Girls: Hello, and welcome to this Hotel!

Holom: Hey, that’s kinda scary. Anyway, I need to check in

Twin #2: Ok, can I get your name?

Holom: Its Holom

Twin #1: Wow, what an unusual name

Holom: Yeah, well it isn’t my real name. Just an alias I use online.

Twin #2: Well, we have to have your real name for you to check in.

Holom: Um…what if I don’t want to give it?

Twin #1: Then we call the police for suspicion of terrorist activities

Holom: Fuck

Twin #2: So what’s your real name sir?

Holom: (hesitates) Um…..how about Holom?

Twin #1: Is that your real name?

Holom: Sure?

Twin #2: Ok, we have your reservation right here.

(Twin #1 hand Holom a key card, who is looking at the blonde twins like the stupid bitches they are.)

Both Girls: Enjoy your stay!

Holom: ……..Uh, thanks..(Mumbles) you hot, stupid, creepy bitches…

Narrator: So Holom took his bags up to his nice cozy room. After getting situated, he decided to go back down to where all the fun activities were being held. There, he finally met in person most of the people he had spent months talking to online. Everyone was amazed at how pale everyone else really was. After introductions had been performed, the festivities began. These included gaming, drinking, gaming, and some more gaming….Holom, you geeks are the most boring people ever.

Holom: Thanks George. Now read your fucking lines, god dammit.

Narrator: Those were my lines, jackass

Holom: Oh…..so they were. My bad.

Catch: Hahaha, I kicked your ASS at CS Holom

Holom: Yeah…so you did. You had the advantage of being stoned though

Catch: Speaking of, want to go spark up now?

Holom: Thought you would never ask. Loser, you coming?

Loser: I dunno….I am having second thoughts

Catch: Don’t be a pussy, it wont hurt you any

Loser: Well…I just don’t think so..

Holom: What about you Hardy, you in?

Hardy: Why not

Catch: C’mon Loser…you can just sit and watch in the car

Loser: Well….ok

Narrator: Meanwhile, on the other side of the hotel…

(Eden and Bagel are sitting on a couch)

Eden: So what college do you go to, cutie?

Bagel: Uh…I am in high school…

Eden: Graduating this year?

Bagel: Actually, no…I am a freshman..

Eden: Uh, wow…

Bagel: So….do you hit on minors often?

Eden: ………No

Narrator: Back with the smoking foursome…

(Catch, Holom, and Hardy are passing around a joint. The car they are in, which isn’t running, is smoked out.)

Holom: This shit isn’t bad…I am pretty blazed already…

Catch: Yeah…not too shabby, heh

Loser: Ehehehehehe….

Hardy: Loser….uh…are you stoned?

Loser: Heh…how could I be? I didn’t take a hit, heheh, or anything..

Catch: Ahahahaa, Loser got a contact high

Holom: Sweet, isn’t so bad, is it Loser? So, uh Catch, how about some music?

Catch: No prob, lemme turn on the car…

(Catch turns the key, the CD player starts up and plays the song that was playing when it was turned off. Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cindy Lauper.)

Holom: ………

Loser: ……….

Hardy: ………

Catch: ……….Uh…..it isn’t mine?

Holom: Heh, you are so fucking busted…heheheh….

Narrator: And so they laughed their stoned assess off for several minutes until it hurt too much. Meanwhile, somewhere in Illinois..

(Tonic sits in a dark room; the only things visible are him and the table he sits at. He slowly opens up a pack of cigarettes and pulls one out. He grabs a match, lights it, and proceeds to burn himself.)

Tonic: OW! Fuck!

Narrator: Nice job there Flash. Moving on. Back in the hotel parking lot in Vancouver, our boys bask in the warm embrace of marijuana. Hardy has left to go back in for some more gaming while Catch, Loser and Holom sit and listen to Girls Just Want To Have Fun over and over. Suddenly, Loser says…

Loser: ….Do you guys wanna know something fucked up?

Catch: Sure, why not

Holom: Yeah, shoot

Narrator: So Loser told them…you don’t know what he told them, do you Holom?

Holom: Shove it George, just shove it

Catch: Christ!

Holom: Holy shit…you shouldn’t have told us that. Where did you hear that?

Loser: I found it on the internet one night…

Catch: What dumb shit would post THAT online?!

Holom: Dude, you shouldn’t have told us that

Loser: Why not?

Holom: That’s the kind of shit people get killed for knowing

Loser: Surely not…

Narrator: At this time, in Tokyo, Japan…

(There is a figure shrouded in shadow behind a desk. Behind him is the skyline of the rest of Tokyo. There is another suited man in front of the desk, standing rigidly)

Mystery Man #1: What is it?

Mystery Man #2: Sir, the target has spoken. The recordings indicate that he told two other individuals.

Mystery Man #1: I was afraid of this. Put taps on the other two as soon as possible….and…

Mystery Man #2: And, sir?

Mystery Man #1: …..And contact Ryder. We need to end this now.

Narrator: Curious. Back in Vancouver…

(Holom, Catch, and Loser are walking back into the hotel)

Catch: Goddamn Loser…you shouldn’t have told us.

Holom: No shit…I have a bad feeling about this

Loser: I am sure there is nothing to worry about guys…

Narrator: At an apartment somewhere in New Jersey…

(A man with a long gray duster on is packing different automatic guns in a duffle bag. Not much can be seen of his physical features because the room is dark)

Ryder: Vancouver, here I come.

End Of Act 1