A PA Story
By Holom
Act 2
Narrator: And here we are again. When we last left our
stupendous trio, they were walking back in to Necrowombicon after having gotten stoned
and learning something awful. Little did they know, but they had become targets
of a deadly assassin named Ryder. He is just now getting ready to leave…
(Ryder is finally seen in detail for the first time. He is a man
in his early thirties with shoulder length blonde hair. He wears black combat
boots and a gray duster buttoned up. He carries a duffle bag stuffed full with
automatic weapons and ammunition. He leaves the apartment, only to run into his
neighbor.)
DSS: Uh, hey
Ryder: Hello
DSS: How’s it going?
Ryder: Can’t complain
DSS: That’s cool…what’cha got there?
Ryder: Huh?
DSS: The bag
Ryder: Oh, nothing
(As soon as he says that, the duffle bag rips and all the guns
fall out.)
Ryder: ……
DSS: …………holy shit!
Ryder: Fuck, you are going to Canada with me
DSS: Um, why?
Ryder: Well, its either you come and help, or I kill you
DSS: Why would you have to kill me?
Ryder: I will explain on the way. But it pretty much sums up to
you seeing all my illegal weapons.
Narrator: Hmmm, that cant be good, now can it? Back in Vancouver,
our three guys were just in time to see some mature, well thought out fun take
place….
(Three men walk to where the festivities are. One has a
microphone, another has a camera, and the third is wearing a suit. They
approach a girl…)
Suit Man: Start rolling, Chuck…
Chuck: Gotcha, boss
Suit Man: Excuse me, miss?
Allie: Uh…yeah?
Suit Man: Is your name Allie, by any chance?
Allie: Yeah?
Suit Man: Hi, I am from the Sharpie brand marker company. We got a
call a couple of days ago saying that someone named Allie would be here with a
great story for one of our commercials! Our new slogan is, “What do you do with
your Sharpies?”….so Allie, what is YOUR Sharpie story?
(Allie gets red in the face and clenches her fists)
Allie: God dammit, you FUCKING ASS HOLES!!!!
(Allie storms away, and everyone who knows cant help but laugh)
Suit Man: Well…guess we have to go back empty handed…
Hardy: Heh, that’s fucking great. Wonder who lined that up?
Eld: Beats me, but I DO know that Leto and me were the ones who
ordered about five thousand Sharpie Magnums to be delivered to her room….wonder
if she has gotten them yet?
Narrator: On the other side of the room…
Holom: You know, that was funny as shit, but sometimes I wonder if
we are too mean to people sometimes…
Loser: Shut the fuck up and give me those Doritos bitch, I am
STARVING!
Catch: Remind me never to get Loser stoned again, he gets kinda
moody
Holom: Yeah a bit…well guys, I think I am gonna head up to my room
and crash.
Catch: Aw fuck Holom, don’t be such a pussy. Stay and have some
fun
Loser: Yeah man
Holom: Hey guys, there are still a few more days left. Plenty of
time to have fun. Sleep well, if and when you get there
Catch: You fucking pussy…later
Loser: See ya tomorrow man
Narrator: And so the little pussy Holom…
Holom: Hey, that’s not in the script you dick
Narrator: ….started the long journey up to his room. It was to
take even longer this night, seeing as how he was stoned off his ass. But
meanwhile, on the runway at Newark International Airport, other things were
being discussed other than bed times…
DSS: Oooooh, I see. So you’re an assassin, and from time to time
these people contact you to kill people for various reasons.
Ryder: Correct
DSS: So….am I really gonna get to kill someone!?
Ryder: Possibly. Who knows, if you do well I might take you on as
a partner instead of kill you…
DSS: Hey wait, I thought you weren’t gonna kill me just for coming
with you on this job
Ryder: Right, I am going to let you live after you see my commit
murder? Think fancy ass. But we might not have to kill anyone. How long is this
flight?
DSS: About nine hours. Why would we not have to kill anyone?
(Ryder pulls out a cell phone and dials a number)
Ryder: Because one of the great things about doing jobs for a huge
company is they have contacts everywhere. And these contacts are at your
disposal, just as long as the job gets done….Hello, this is Ryder…
Narrator: Meanwhile, back someplace in Illinois….
(Tonic sits at the same dark table as before. He now has a bandage
on his burned hand. He again pulls out another smoke and this time,
successfully lights it. But it doing so chokes on the smoke and starts coughing
terribly hard.)
Tonic: Cough…god cough DAMMIT! Coughcoughcough….
Narrator: Its like being at the special fucking Olympics…bah,
anyway, back in Vancouver Holom finally makes it up to his room, but only to
find the door slightly ajar….
Holom: What the fuck…
Two Girls: We thought you would never get here…
Holom: Hey, that’s scary…..hey! Is it…
(Holom walks into the room to find the twins lying in their bras
and panties on the bed)
Holom: Holy shit!
Twin #1: We have been waiting for you Mr. Holom….
Twin #2: About four hours now…
Twin #1: We thought you were just so hot down in the lobby…
Twin #2: That we just had to have you…
Holom: Holy shit!
Twin #1: I wonder what else we can make him say…or moan…
(The twins slowly move off the bed and walk to Holom, shaking
their hips like only a woman can. They start running their hands all over him)
Holom: Wow…this is….wow, you guys are good with your hands
Twin #1: You have no idea…
Holom: This is insane…what are your names?
Twin #1: I am Shyla…
Twin #2: And I am Myla…
(At this point Shyla moves behind Holom and starts grabbing his
ass. Myla stays in front and unbuttons Holoms pants, then kneels down and
starts kissing his thighs)
Holom: Holy shit…
Shyla: Heh, is that the only thing you can say?
(Myla slowly moves up his thigh)
Holom: Holy FUCKING shit!
Shyla: You like that don’t you? Well don’t worry baby, we will
take good care of you…
Narrator: Lucky bastard…not for long though. Holom then felt the
coolness of metal around his wrists and click noise. He had been
handcuffed….lucky fucking bastard…
Holom: Um…that’s kinda kinky, eh?
Shyla: Um, sure baby…whatever you say…
(Shyla then reaches into her underwear and pulls out a fiber
wire.)
Shyla: Sweet dreams, Mr. Holom…
Holom: Eh?
(Shyla then slips it around his neck and starts pulling)
Holom: Araaaggh!!!
Shyla: Myla, stop licking his hairy fucking thigh and help me!
Myla: My bad, he just tasted good…
(At this point Holom, who is turning kinda blue, pushes off the
floor and pushes himself and Shyla into a wall. She hits her head and loses
hold of the wire. Holom takes a breath and sees Myla coming at him. Seeing as
how his hands are cuffed behind his back and his pants are around his ankles, he
does the only thing he can. He lowers his head and rams Myla in the stomach
with his head. They both fall down, but Holom gets up as quick as he can. He
wobbles out the door and down the hall to the elevator.)
Narrator: Heh, sucks for him…
Holom: Fuck you
Narrator: Hehehe, anyway…so our poor Holom took the elevator down
to where the activities were still going on…
(Holom wobbles his way around, looking for anyone he knows. He
gets several strange looks, seeing as how he is handcuffed and his pants are
down, not to mention the red line that is starting to bruise on his throat. He
finally finds Loser and Catch near an employee room.)
Loser: What the FUCK happened to you?
Catch: Christ…
Holom: The twins…that work down at the desk. They were in my room
in their underwear. I thought they wanted to fuck, but they tried to kill me!
Catch: How did you fuck that opportunity up!? I mean….FUCK!
Loser: Shit dude, you would screw up fucking a goddamn hole in the
wall!
Holom: DUDE! They fucking tried to kill me!
Catch: Yeah, whatever. Don’t make stupid excuses for your extreme
inability to get girls to fuck you.
Holom: Holy fuck guys, look at my throat! Shyla used a wire or
some shit on me!
Loser: Shyla?
Holom: One of the twins..
Loser: And what, lemme guess, the other was named Myla or some
shit?
Holom: Yes!
Loser: Pfft, now I know your making the shit up.
Holom: God dammit! If I am making it up, then how did I get like
this? Huh? HUH!?
Catch: Easy there, killer. You could have easily done that to
yourself..Maybe you just want some attention. So you made up this story about
the killer twins.
Holom: Bah, fuck you guys.
(Shyla and Myla then walk up in leather jumpsuits. They are both
armed with katanas. They toss Catch the handcuff keys, who then frees Holom.)
Holom: Holy shit!
Myla: You say that WAY too much Holom
Loser: Wow…guess he wasn’t lying about it after all
Catch: So you bitches are trying to kill him?
Shyla: Actually all three of you. Quite convinient for us,
troublemakers seem to gather together in this case.
Catch: What the fuck did we do?
Myla: Your friend there told you something no one is supposed to
know. So, you die
Loser: Oops
Catch: Fuck!
Holom: God dammit Loser!
Shyla: So, since we are by the laundry room, and it’s late and no
one is there…why don’t you get inside so we can finish this?
Loser: Why don’t you make us!
Myla: Ok
(Both twins unsheathe their katanas and point them at the guys)
Loser: Ah, laundry room we go…
(The three guys go into the laundry room at sword point. The room
is empty at this hour. Not really wanting to die, Catch tries to think of a
plan. He eyes one of those large empty laundry baskets with wheels. Grabbing it
as quick as his reflexes allow, and rolls it around and knocks Shyla on her
ass. Her katana goes fleeing and skids on the floor.)
Shyla: Myla! Get them!! I’ve got this one!
Holom: AHH!
Loser: Shit!
(Myla runs after Holom and Loser deeper in the laundry room,
swinging her katana as she goes. Meanwhile Shyla gets up off the floor and gets
in a kung fu type pose. Catch puts his fists up.)
Catch: I have no problem beating the shit out of bitches with
swords
Shyla: I am going to strangle you with my thighs, you dick head
Catch: Promise?
(Shyla launches at Catch and proceeds to start kicking his ass,
kung fu style. Meanwhile Myla is swinging her katana at Holom who is dodging
around pipes and the like, being barely missed with each swing.)
Myla: Stay still you tasty fuck!
Holom: Fuck you, you nimble tongued bitch!
(Loser meanwhile, noticing he has lost the attention of Myla,
wonders what he should do. He then spots Shyla’s katana near him. He sneaks
over and picks it up, gripping the hilt tightly. Back towards the entrance,
Catch is starting to bleed from the ass kicking he is receiving. He is only
able to block a few kicks and punches from the fluid Shyla.)
Shyla: So are you gonna hit me, or just take it like the bitch you
are?
Catch: Give me a chance…
Shyla: Ok…
(Shyla stops and gets out of her fighting stance. Catch pulls back
a fist, but before he can even thrust it forward Shyla kicks him back towards a
pipe.)
Shyla: On second thought, no. Your gonna die now.
(Shyla clenches her left fist and swings at Catch. Finally
thinking to duck, he does and her knuckles land on an iron pipe. Her knuckles
crack.)
Shyla: AAAAW! FUCK!
Catch: My turn!
(Catch starts punching the shit out of Shyla. Meanwhile, Myla and
Holom are still playing cat and mouse. Until finally when Holom is about to be
struck down, Losers new found katana intercepts the blow.)
Myla: What the fuck?
Loser: Think I can’t wield this thing, slut puppy?
Myla: Shut the fuck up, newb!
(Myla then starts attacking Loser who has a hard time even
blocking her blows, never having a chance to attack for himself. Back with
Catch, he has finally beaten Shyla down to a bloody pulp, seeing as his punches
have a bit more power behind them. Not having to worry about her anymore, he
looks over and sees Loser about to be killed by a sharp pointy thing, but
before he can go help a fire extinguisher hits Myla on the back of the head.
One that Holom had thrown. They all slump down in relief at seeing the two
twins unconscious. Holom and Loser both have a couple of large gashes from
close calls with the sword, and Catches face is bloody and bruised.)
Holom: Goddamn you Loser…this is all you’re fucking fault!
Loser: Look…fuck you, ok? I am sorry; I didn’t know this shit
would happen
Catch: Both of you shut the fuck up and be thankful we aren’t
dead. And besides….we gotta talk abo…
(Just then Shyla wakes up and sweep kicks Catch to the ground. She
gets to her feet and throws ninja stars at Holom and Loser, who both dive out
of the way. Shyla runs to her sister and picks her up, and starts backing
towards the exit. She eyes Loser, seeing as how he still has her sword.)
Shyla: Just you fuckers wait…Ryder will finish you off. Don’t
think you are safe!
(With that she throws a smoke bomb and exits through a door. Catch
speaks while lying on his back.)
Catch: Well this fucking sucks…
Holom: Who is this fuck Ryder?
Catch: Another assassin I imagine..
Loser: So what do we do?
Holom: Well….we prepare for him. I guess that’s all we can do.
Narrator: Dum Dum DUUUMMMM! …..God dammit Holom, why do you make
me say these things?
Holom: Because I hate you and love you at the same time
Narrator: That don’t make no sense at all! But anyway…so after
these events occurred, two men en route to Vancouver received a call…
(Ryder and DSS are listening to the woman sitting in front of them
talk of the greatness of Betavag and how it cleans out ANYTHING, when Ryder’s
cell phone rings.)
Ryder: Yes?
Shyla: We couldn’t kill them
Ryder: I am disappointed. Seeing as they are no one special, you
should have had no trouble with three geeks.
Shyla: I know…I don’t know what went wrong….
Ryder: It doesn’t matter. I am five hours from landing. I will
take care of them.
(He hangs up the phone)
Ryder: Hmmm…looks like we will be killing them. You do a good job
helping, and I wont cap your fancy ass with them.
DSS: Right
Ryder: Hmmm…Necrowombicon is where we are headed…
DSS: Wait, what?
Ryder: You know about Necrowombicon?
DSS: Yeah, a lot of the people I talk to online are there
Ryder: …..So you wont want to be killing your friends
DSS: Are you shitting me? I would LOVE to kill those sorry sons ‘a
bitches!
Ryder: Good…then you just might live a while longer…
(Just then the pilots voice comes over the intercom.)
Pilot: We are five hours outside of Vancouver. Again, five hours
till we land in Vancouver.
End Of Act 2