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PSYCHIATRIC HELP 5Ï
THE DOCTOR IS: IN
By:Lucas Heffer

Here’s an interesting conversation piece for all you half-wits out there: what the hell is wrong with you? That ought to revive the lost art of dialogue, eh? Don’t worry, you won’t have to think, I’ll tell you. That’s what I’m here for. Now, grab a beverage (don’t spill it on this), get comfy, and hear the story of one seriously fucked up country and its educationally challenged constituency.
No, that doesn’t mean little Billy with ADD. More like ADE: Another Damned Excuse. Face it kid, you’re a moron. Your parents and teachers were too lazy to try and teach you once they noticed you were 14 years old and couldn’t find the noun in this sentence:

Billy has ®shit for brains.

I highlighted it for you, in case you had trouble. Technically, “Billy” is a noun also, but it is a Proper noun, and much too advanced for our purposes. Back to the topic, who doesn’t have ADD? Can anyone sit complacently and listen to some of the shit they feed you in the mind-numbing monotony that is American public education without inciting rebellion? Or, the more docile, yet almost equally defiant, falling asleep? Sure, the straight A’s, brown-nosing so far up a teachers ass they could tell you what you had for breakfast students could, but where does that get you? Nowhere! Thankfully, there are only a few of those left.

“But I get good grades an-”

So what? Look, if “ifs” and “buts” were candy and nuts, everyday would be fucking Christmas. Guess what gang? I never study for any exam, I am frequently late to class (if I show up), I skip detentions for not doing homework regularly, and still I perform better on SATs, ACTs, ABCs, 123s, you name it. Intelligence is not only book knowledge, but also a comprehension of the functionality of the world around oneself. Laziness ain’t for everybody, but trust me, ass-kissing is for nobody. If you have to suck up to succeed, then get the hell outta my sight. Ever hear of “Social Darwinism”?

“Duh, yeah, that’s when Darwin said that the least fit people would die-”

No! Darwin said nothing in relation to the suggestion that weakest links of society should be cut off (ok, morons, cut it out with the Anne Robinson impressions). That was just one of many perversions of a brilliant observation about the Animal Kingdom; that only the strongest members of a population live on to breed and spread their superiority. Some idiot, trying to be smart, adapted this theory to the “Survival of the Fittest” hypothesis on human society. It was probably Hitler, I don’t know, and much less care. In any case, I believe in this, and also that it should be put into practice. If you’re going to kiss my ass, do it in the figurative sense only, then move right along to some volcanic island in the Pacific. And if you’re a person that welcomes undue praise and the like, well, you’re the reason Bush got elected and there is such a proliferation of anti-American sentiment in the Middle East. Can you honestly blame them?

“What did I ever do to some A-rab in Jerusalem to deserve September 11?”

First of all, September 11 is a date, not an event. Second, do you think it might have something to do with your ethnocentric boasting and racist generalizations, you goddam boorish WASP? Let me say this before you try and kill me or something ludicrous like that: I, in no way, condone the actions taken by extremists on September 11. Those were drastic measures taken by whackos that gravely misinterpreted a respected religious text. I do, however, acknowledge their grievances with the American government, but to take their frustrations out on innocent civilians is the utmost act of racism imaginable. That is why Billy-Bob and cousin Merle “Wanna go get dem sumbitches jus’ like the Pres’dent said on the TV”. These poor, stupid terrorists have touched almost all of America with cruel intentions, and have awakened the primal redneck urge of a redneck President hell-bent on revenge. Now, I truly mourn Afghanistan, because it is about to be a parking lot. Why? Because a few terrorists live there. Guess what Dubya? They live here too! Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Launch a strike on New York and L.A.? Ooh, I have a better idea, let’s reintroduce internment camps just like in World War II, only with Arab-Americans, not Japanese! We could parade our kids around:

“See, honey? That’s Habib that used to run the 7-11.
Look how his family suffers now. Isn’t America great?”

I’d like to use an Old Italian saying now, if I could: Minga! Roughly translated, it means, “What the hell are you thinking?” I don’t believe that Congress would hesitate for a second to pass such a bill at this time, should someone have the balls to propose it.
And that is the dismal state of the country right now. I tell you, I could see this war going on for several more years, just like Vietnam, arguably the worst mistake ever made by the U.S. (Not counting Cambodia, Korea, and every other instance involving Containment, and even the Gulf War. This is what happens when a nation endorses the militant whims of a psychopath like McCarthy).

Hey, at least the music will be good; everybody likes protest songs, only now it’ll be “In the (Middle) Eastern World…Things are explodin’…” If we do it Dubya’s way, the Byrds’ll be singing: “The Taliban will Burn, Burn, Burn.” Get ready to char your draft cards boys, its gonna be Hell out there. Shit, if we did like George Washington said and kept our damned noses out of everything, we’d be fine, but apparently that was lost in the punch. Just look at all the nuclear proliferation during the Cold War, just because Eisenhower was afraid of Communism. Sucks to be guaranteed a job and fixed prices, eh Ike? Yes, I am aware it didn’t work in practice, but that’s because that greedy bastard Stalin took the inherent power of the people and created one of the most feared Totalitarian dictatorships in history. Funny, that’s not what Marx said would happen…If only he and Hobbes worked together…well, they’d probably kill each other. Ah, screw it, you just can’t have a decent government anymore.

I leave you with this: Stick to the basics, man. Peanut butter and jelly, not any of this fried PB and banana shit that killed Elvis. That’s the key to sanity, and not dying on the throne. See ya next time when I attack, I mean discuss, Catholicism. Soundtrack for this essay includes Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Rage Against the Machine, the Cranberries (shut up, they’re good), System of a Down, Tool, Slayer, and more. Available at a record store you dumb bastards, geez, look for it.