My Final Poem
I am now writing my final poem,
While sitting here, a little at work, and home,
Poems were my life, but that was before,
I finally stepped through the opportunity door,
One thing or another definitely has to die,
They are parts of me, and only I know why,
By the end of this poem, you will know,
Which of the paths, that I chose to go,
This is going to take quite some time,
So don't be mad if I make a repettitive rhyme,
I mean, it isn't like a total crime,
To make up a repettitive rhyme,
This poem started being composed back then,
How long ago? You ask, you want to know when?
January of 2001, A horrible month of a horrible year,
It's when I realized I no longer had to fear,
Meagan Elston was wanting to be dead,
She was almost as messed up as me in the head,
I was telling all of my friends a big lie,
I was telling them I was happy, yet I wanted to die,
My friendship, with Phillip, going down the drain,
I felt as if something was eating at my brain,
I had just quit toking, for good, on Mary Jane,
Withdraw made me feel like I was insane,
A month earlier I had just become single,
So I was too sad to go and mingle,
So instead I just made up a catchy jingle,
I was hungry, but couldn't even eat a pringle,
A girl at work started taking pieces of my heart,
She's blonde, short, beautiful, and quite smart,
Out of work, Internet is how we keep in touch,
Stuff like email, ICQ, and such,
Phillip, however, keeps doing me wrong,
He has definitely toked on the burn-out bong,
Wokr is beginning to completely suck,
I am starting to not even give a fuck,
I can't quit, because I need the money,
I can't smile, because I need my honey,
I think I will let my depression start to show,
I miss my girl, but does anyone really know?
I try to hide every bit of the pain,
Which started driving me so insane,
Ex's fighting, friends telling more than one lie,
What would happen if I were to suddenly die?
So many problems, I want to go smoke some weed,
It makes life a lot easier, but it isn't a need,
Karen is so much like my beloved Candy,
They both make me feel so fine and dandy,
The rest of the world is always kicking me down,
I try to smile, but it gets kicked into a frown,
Phillip started to hang out with his twin Mike,
They both were treating me just alike,
Mike and I were supposed to go play some ball,
He decided not to, nor did he give me a call,
I am now starting to be haunted by my past,
I can't believe it all happened so fast,
I can't believe I became a dreaded cheat,
I was guilty of it, so I had to take the heat,
My poetry has kept me in this state,
Of feeling unloved, and feeling nothing but hate,
Dark and Gloomy had become my mind,
For my poetry, that is what it loves to find,
One of my favorite teacher, soon, is going to die,
When he passes away, I know I am going to cry,
The cancer rate for this area is way too high,
I guess the government loves being able to lie,
No one really knows me, or how I feel,
Nobody cares, and no one ever will,
Everyone always leaves me in their dust.
They go their way, and betray my trust,
Acquaintances are all I really know,
No one to talk to makes my life this low,
My life has just become one big mess,
Every little thing causing so much stress,
My job was laying off people left and right,
Philip just got fired from there, tuesday night,
I just don't know what I really want,
I am not sure, if I am going to just be up front,
I've had a lot of relationships but this isn't the same,
All the others were my fault, I was to blame,
From parties and drugs, to cheating and lying,
Resulting in hating, resulting in crying,
The past has taught me what I need to know,
It revealed it isn't responsible for how my life will go,
I was a cheating, immature, suicidal liar,
I was a psycho who loved playing with fire,
I will stay faithful, and never lie,
I will be happy, and never want to die,
If you think of your death, you can't live a full life,
If you think of happiness, you deal with less strife,
Phillip and I have only hung out once this year,
Losing his friendship, I used to always fear,
Now I just don't even really care,
For now, I have my little Kare Bear,
As I see one friendship come to the end,
I get lucky, and get an awesome girlfriend,
Work has been going really good,
Everything has been going as it should,
i don't think Karen and I will last too long,
The whole situation just feels wrong,
Christianity, I feel, I have taken from a few,
My mind is no good, and I don't know what to do,
My death will be like my life, all alone,
So many things about me will never be known,
My teacher died of cancer, and I wonder why,
Why God chose him, and not someone evil like I,
My life is just like my room a big mess,
I am just dealing with so much stress,
My ex, that I still kind of love, told me to go ahead and die,
It hurt so bad, I about broke down started to cry,
If that is what she wants, than she will get her way,
I am just trying to decide on which day,
Maybe it could be a present on her birthday, March eight,
Us getting married just wasn't our fate,
I am supposed to die young and alone,
I wish I could just go and get totally blown,
Everything that happens is always my fault,
All my secrets will stayed locked up in my vault,
Shaffer took the poem "The day I died" all wrong,
He made sound evil and put me in a little song,
I meant by the poem, he was my only friend,
Who wouldn't let my come to the end,
I guess I was wrong because no one cares if I die,
Everyone says they care, but it is just a lie,
Sarah wanted to know what was in my head,
I didn't tell her of how I might soon be dead,
I will keep everything in until I am no more,
I will keep it in until my insides are sore,
I have never experienced the very rare,
Lover or friend that would actually care,
To all those "friends" I am sorry it is going to end this way,
But my skies have become a permanent gray,
The only person that could brighten my every day,
Has turned her back to me and walked away,
Her attitude started becoming a fright,
Karen and I are going to have time alone tonight,
Karen and I had some good old clean fun,
She is definitely moving up to my number one,
I want to be able to go into her happy little mind,
I want to see what all I will be able to find,
She makes me so happy, that I lose my mind,
i forget about my every single bind,
I have more friends than I thought, I have three,
They are, of course, Myself, I, and me,
It isn't important to you who they are,
One is my grilfriend, The fallingstarr,
Another is a girl and the other a guy,
For any of those three I would die,
I am not saying i want to be dead,
For Karen is tightening the screws in my head,
She probably doesn't even know,
All I have needed is care and love so,
Care is already there, and I hope love is on the way,
She clears my mind, leaving me nothing to say,
She is the best woman I know, and makes me feel great,
In my heart I am hoping and praying that she is my soul mate,
She's all I ever wanted, and has the personality I need,
She got a quality that makes me want to succeed,
She is so beautiful and body is so wow,
The love I have searched for, I have found now,
I am starting to not feel right when with Kare Bear,
I feel although I am with her, she isn't exactly there,
I wish I could see all my old friends another time,
Doing drugs is no longer my illegal crime,
I have even stopped partying, I don't drink,
I was an idiot before, I just didn't think,
Phillip and I are no longer brothers,
I now no longer claim my other mothers,
I now kind of keep to myself, and don't say much,
Like how I dream of my death, and such,
Will I ever get to see my friends, before I die?
Will they hurt me again and make me cry?
I am not as tough as I try to be,
No one knows what it is like to be me,
Telling of my suicidalness was a cry of help,
It looks to me like I am going to have cure myself,
Well, now Phillip has become a rat,
I really don't care about that,
A month after Phillip ratted, I am in danger,
All of my old friends, are now just a stranger,
I am going to be go Virginia for Memorial day,
Mike graduates that weekend, but I am not going any way,
I am looking forward to the reunion, for it should be fun,
I will get to see my real friends, who are my number one,
Well, I depart from here come tomorrow,
Hopefully, the events there will cure my sorrow,
I am now back from Virginia, and I am so glad,
I am not dead, but yet I am still sad,
I do have an inner cheer, but it isn't the same,
I am now single, and I feel so much pain,
Inner turmoil, causing change upon my life,
Realizing I will be alone forever, and won't get a wife,
Either my poems or my life will be no more,
I realize without either of them I can't soar,
My poems relieve my darkness, and stress,
So without writing poems, my life would be a mess,
Yet, without my life I would not be,
I just wish that everyone around could see,
I am nothing, and my life will never be good,
So why not go out and yell at the hood,
Let them end my life, and my pain,
While departing on my eternal journey, it shall rain,
The rain to represent my uncried tears,
Ending all of my dark emotions and hidden fears,
All of my yesterdays will end at dawn,
Making my past and memories, all, gone,
Shaffer, Faye, Dex, Reese, Em, Mon,
The twins, Mike, Phil, Tony, Jon,
Meagan, Amanda, Chris, Andy, Karen,
Vicki, Keith, Justin, Ryan, Pam, Darrin,
Lindsey, Destiny, Tyson, Kailee, Gary,
Rosemary, Kristy, Amber, Bryan, Mary,
Shawn, Michelle, Tiffany, James, Brandy,
Joe, Dave, Rikki, Onyx, Josh, Randy,
Sarah, Ginny, Tasha, Holli, Rich,
Rob, Jillian, Acacia, Mom, Dad, Mitch,
Those I didn't mention, and all those above,
Just know, you all have an equal amount of my love,
I am sorry ahead of time for what I will do,
Just know wherever I go I will be watching you,
Jason Keller, Daniel Roark, and Uncle Pete,
Just know that soon we shall all be able to meet,
I would have bet my life that I had total control,
Now I realize contrary to popular belief, I didn't at all,
Mental and Physical pain have swallowed me,
So to all those who have ever followed me,
Find another path, for mine leads to an eternal night,
I'm sure you can find a path that has an eternal light,
Don't take my road, for it gives you nothing but pain,
Also insanity, loneliness, and an endless shame,
Spend your life sober, a little serious, but with a lot of joking,
Don't get hooked on the drinking, smoking, or on the toking,
Get together with friends, work hard, study, and succeed,
Keep informed on the world around you, always do a good deed,
Please do not go and take this at all wrong,
For this is a new beginning, not a farewell song,
Depression and suicide shall never get another rhyme,
I conclude my life, in darkness, with the end of this line!
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