CHAPTER 4

Back to Chapter 3

When Alyssa woke, she lay in bed for a while, thinking. She did a lot of thinking. She begins to recapture the scenario that led to the disputation between mother and daughter. The day had begun pretty much as usual. Lyssa had slept until late in the afternoon. It was Sunday, the day she usually visited her mother. She loved her mother so; yet, she felt so alienated from her mother and her siblings-whom she also loved dearly. Alyssa's siblings included five sisters and one brother, who was the youngest of them all. Alyssa seemed to have nothing in common with them.

The news channel had just finished briefing viewers on the (then, alleged) rape of a young woman by Mike Tyson, the Heavyweight Champion of the World. Alyssa's mother said, "That girl knew what she was getting into when she went (to the hotel?) with the man. She knew his reputation as a womanizer, and she got what she deserved. Alyssa listened in disbelief as her mother continued to condemn Desiree for her actions, and to justify Mike Tyson's behavior. She accused Desiree of being a young girl who just wanted to be around, and to be seen with, a well-known celebrity like Tyson. As her mother talked on and on, Alyssa clearly detected her mother's severely tarnished understanding of rape. Alyssa spoke, "Yes, Desiree may have desired to be seen with Mike Tyson; however, she didn't ask to be raped." Alyssa's mother continued to declare Tyson innocent and Desiree guilty. "She may have used bad judgment, but she didn't ask to be raped", Lyssa pointed out again. Her mother continued verbalizing her stance. "She still didn't ask to be raped", Alyssa contended. Her mother wasn't about to change her opinion about the matter and continued on her soapbox. (This was practically the mindset of Alyssa's entire family-and their close friends.) Her mother was becoming very adamant about the subject. Even so, Alyssa said, "Even though a woman may make some unwise choices like dressing indecently, bar-hopping, walking alone late at night, or even going home with a man whom she has just met, she still does not ask to be raped". Alyssa could sense her mother's irritation with her daughter. Nonetheless, her daughter spoke honestly. "Rape is not about sex. It's about power and control." She had spoken in vain again. Mike Tyson did what Desiree wanted him to do, according to Alyssa's mother.

Alyssa was sadly stunned. This conversation was beginning to hit too close to home! She was teary-eyed as she thought about the many people who believed as her mother did. I'll try again, thought Alyssa. "If a woman says no, and the man ignores her, or takes it upon himself to believe that a woman's no actually means yes, it is rape". Oh, boy, she thought. Here I am telling the truth and looked at as being out in left field somewhere. (That fact was a huge barrier that existed between Alyssa and her whole family.) It was as if they hadn't been properly educated, or something, so they couldn't understand Alyssa's truths. In their narrow minds, Alyssa didn't know what she was talking about, or she was naïve or something. Lyssa couldn't talk about Thoreau, Whitman, Adam Smith, Molière, Shakespeare, or Tolstoy. They didn't understand her. Furthermore, they didn't seem to want to understand this strange member of the family. So that's how it all started. Lyssa remembers well how it all ended. Now she is so perplexed and confused that she wonders from what planet she came.

She was keenly aware of falling into a deep, deep depression during the next few weeks. She was cognizant of having lapsed into one of the more serious ones, and a scarier one. She had sunk so far into the darkness that she fearfully wondered if she'd come out of this one alive. Any depression Alyssa contended with was a frightening one; for, there was always the threat of suicide. However, some episodes were less frightening than others. Those were the ones in which she felt the power of darkness trying to overcome her; yet, she had an inner awareness that she would get through it. She was always right. She didn't need to be hospitalized.

This depression, however, brought with it the timely truth that Alyssa really did suffer from mental disorders. She felt the fatigue and the dragging in her mind and in her body. Her body felt as heavy as lead. She was sinking fast. She had not cut herself or overdosed; but, she was forced to utilize all her weakened strengths to avoid those destructive actions. Unfortunately, nothing was working this time! So Alyssa made elaborate plans to kill her self. She wrote suicide letters to a few people whom she thought might care, and a few letters to some others whom she knew would not care. She spelled out the manner in which she wanted to be funeralized. She'd leave this gloomy, empty world of darkness behind and find peace at last. No more torture and torment. No more anguish and rejection. No more misunderstandings. No more mental illnesses. Rest-at last! She was so horribly overcome with sadness. She was becoming jittery. "What can I do? What can I do? I need help!" She was behaving frantically-stuttering, waving her arms in the air, wringing her hands, biting her nails, and her head jerked back and forth involuntarily. She couldn't deny the ghastly sorrow she felt in every fiber of her wretched being as she paced the floor. Everything wasn't in order, yet. Things weren't exactly like she wanted them to be for her to die just yet! She hadn't given away all her precious possessions yet! Damn it! She raced for her razor blade and impulsively gashed her thigh three times. Seeing the blood flow from the deep wounds calmed her down tremendously. The cuts seemed to smile at her. She had done well. Good girl. No need to do it again. What she had accomplished would surely suffice! She is calm as she lies back on her bed, feeling as if she could sleep. She knew, though, she was not out of the woods. She felt as if she were in a dream. She still knew the danger she was in.

Alyssa crawled to the telephone and had Dr. Enders paged. He returned her call almost immediately. Between sobs, she blurted out her fear of not recovering from this bout with depression, fear, anxiety, hate, and hopelessness. She told him that she felt the weight of the world crushing her. Dr. Enders had been Alyssa's psychiatrist almost from the beginning and had always been sympathetic. So now, of course, he listened to his long-time patient attentively. Alyssa could hear the compassion in his voice as he asked, in a very calm tone, "What happened?" He knew that each crisis had its own peculiarities. Alyssa tried to convey the pain she was feeling as she realized, without a doubt, that her family did not love her. They probably didn't know how to love her. Dr. Enders heard what she said and he heard what she didn't say. It didn't take him long to suggest that his patient be hospitalized-again, to insure her safety and to help her learn to cope with her family's rejection of her. (Dr. Enders was well aware of Lyssa's familial conflicts.) It was agreed, then, that Dr. Enders would call for an ambulance right away. Alyssa was very grateful for her doctor's bedside manner. They hung up and, within minutes, the paramedics were there to whisk Alyssa away. She didn't know how long she'd be in the hospital and she didn't care. She knew she was in trouble and in desperate need of professional help.

Chapter 5