Mommy's Diary

Month 6 - Crying out failed - Starting Solid - Constipation! - Falling off bed

July 30, 1999

Tiger fell of the bed yesterday evening. We have a twin bed besides Tiger's crib. I was changing Tiger's clothes there and after that he rolled to his side and found the plastic bag to play. I know plastic bag is bad so I hurried to take it from him and turned my back to throw it in the wast basket. At that time I heard a heavy thump and I turned quickly and see Tiger was on the floor with his head on the corner where the twin bed meets the crib. I picked him up and he could only cry out after 30 seconds. I was so scared I didn't know what else to do but to hold him over my shoulder with my face with his head and hand rubbing his back and rocking and telling him that everything is ok. This happened so quick I almost couldn't recall how everything happened. After a while he stopped crying and became quiet. Fan came in and checked his head and told me that he is ok. But he was probably shocked because he went to sleep 5 minutes later. He woke up after a while and bubbled and played as usual. I didn't dare to let him use the swing nor did I play the ride-a-horse with him though. I'm so concerned if the fall would do any damage to his brain.

I feel so bad. How could I be this careless? These two days Tiger has been really enthuisitic about rolling from his back to his front. How could I just left him on the edge of a bed? He seemed ok. But I couldn't stop worring if I had done any damage to him. I called his doctor and she said just keep an eye on him. I pray to god nothing bad would happen to my little Tiger.

Last night I almost couldn't sleep. I kept checking Tiger in the dark to see if he is still breathing. Twice he rolled on to his tummy and went back to sleep. But I heard so many times that SIDS could happen when babies sleep on their tummy so I roll him back and he woke up because of it and cried. He woke up more than the night before. I don't know if this has anything to do with the fall. I just couldn't stop to feel guilty and worried. I pray everything would be fine with Tiger. I wouldn't mind doing anything if only Tiger would be fine.

July 28, 1999

Up until yesterday Tiger can only roll from back to front. He did roll from the front to back several times but he never really mastered the skill in my opinion. Today, however, he just couldn't stop to show off this new skill he finally mastered. Once he did it so slow it was like a slow motion and he almost failed to roll over but he tried to hang there and he started to laugh as if it was so funny to him. When he finally rolled over, he laughed so hard. I wish I had it recorded.

July 27, 1999

Today I found a site called thinktwice.com. It is about the side effects of the infant vaccines. As I read the stories of the babies who died from it, I couldn't help but to cry. I was shocked to know that these vaccines can be this deadly damaging. I thank god to give me my Tiger, and keep him happy and healthy.

I know recently there have been warinings about the HepB and rotavirus. I just found out that the American Academy of Pediatrics is giving pediatricians new guidelines for administering the polio immunization. I also heard that DPT and MMR are not very safe for some of the children. I use to be very positive about immunizations. I believe that we have eliminated the small pox by the means of immunizations. But now I feel I have been ignorant not to pay any attention to the side effects. Tiger will have his 6 month check up soon. I know I will talk to his doctor before she give him shots. I thank god that I learn this not too late.

July 26, 1999

Poor Tiger. He pooped again today and it was so hard for him. He held on my shoulder and cried for the entire time. There must be something that we can do to help him to get this a little easier.

July 25, 1999

Tiger sits up! I had him sit in front of me and then let go my hands and he sat up for about 10 seconds before he fell down. I was so excited! We did it again and Fan recorded it on tape. I need to take some pictures too.

July 24, 1999

The sleep tight video we ordered through the internet arrived yesterday. I watched it twice and tried to follow the method tonight. I feel that Dr. Hall's "natural bedtime" concept is really interesting. Tiger fussed at 8:00 but would not stay quiet and go to sleep when I put him down. So I decided that it wasn't his natural bedtime. I got him up and put him under his gym and he played! He got really sleepy at 10:00pm. Extrodinary!

July 23, 1999

The newest achievement of Tiger: shoot across the room sideways in his walker like a rocket; and move about 2 feet backwards when placed on tummy. When he is on his tummy, he also likes to extend his arms and legs, arch his back and raise his head and smile. He'll rock on his stomach, kick his legs, and swim with his arms. I call it "Fly-fly" and his daddy call it "little turtle".

July 22, 1999

I was scared to death last night. I used to use premium diapers for Tiger at night but yesterday I didn't put a premium diaper on him after his bm because I thought he may have more bm. At 5am he woke up and cried and I thought he was hungry. I nursed him well until I realized that he really needed to be changed. I laid him flat on the bed to change him. Before I can put the new diaper on, he had brought up a big mouthful of milk and he choked on it. He coughed and breathed hard and breathed in the milk that were still in his mouth and choke again. He couldn't breath in any air and kept coughing and choking. I rushed to sit him up and then put him on my shoulder and he choked so hard he vomited everything out. Lots of milk spread to my arm and leg and the floor. All I could do was to massage his back gently. I was so scared that I couldn't sleep when he finally went to sleep. I was afraid that he would choke again. But he slept very well afterwards. And this morning I looked at him when he woke up, and he blew me a big smile. I felt so much relieved.

His entire schedule is off because of the little accident last night. This evening he went to sleep at his regular time 8pm and only slept for 30 minutes before he became fully awake. I tried to repeat the bedtime ritual and put him to bed by 9:00 but he just wouldn't close his eyes. He looked around. Everything seems to be interesting to him. It's like that he has to watch if we are going to throw in a party after he goes to sleep. I tried to nurse him into sleep at 9:00. This used to work but not this time. He bit me instead. I knew he wasn't hungry. I tried to teach him that if he is ever going to do this again I would not feed him anymore. He looked at me and was a little surprised when I try to look serious. Then he smiled and I knew this lecture has not got its expected result.

July 21, 1999

Tiger had a bowelmovement again finally this evening. 30 minutes after he went to bed, he woke up and cried. I picked him up. He laid on my shoulder, crying while straining. Poor little thing. When I hand him to his daddy because I needed to go too, he tried to hold me and looked at me through his tear filled eyes as if he was pleading to me: "Please don't leave, mommy." Oh my heart was so filled. It's such a nice feeling to be needed.

July 20, 1999

We gave Tiger a haircut today. He looks like a soldier in high spirit.

He likes to say "BaBa" now. When he plays contently alone, he would say "wo-o-o-o-pa-pa-ba-ba". When he is satisfied with whatever we did for him, for example, after feeding him solids, he would say "b-a-b-a". But he only says "MaMa" when he is desperately in need of something. Like if he is hungry and we are heating his milk bottle, or if he wants to sleep real bad but couldn't fall in sleep, he would cry "Maaa", as if accusing us not doing better.

July 19, 1999

Tiger is sleeping better and better. He doesn't need to sleep on my arms that much now. Sometimes he'll flip from right side to his left and adjust himself unconsciously and fall right back to deep sleep. However, somehow I couldn't sleep very well. When I look at him sleeping peacefully in the dark my heart aches because of the joyfulness and gratefulness. I couldn't help just looking at him for a long time before I finally close my eyes.

July 18, 1999

Tiger now shows more and more initiative. When I put him on his swing, he'll put down the safety bar himself, and when I open the safety bar and try to take him off it, he'll put the safety bar back down. I figure that is how he tells me "I still want more!" A game he invented is that he takes the little piggy mirror off from the rack of his activity center, I put it back on, and he tries to take it off again. He'll laugh out loudly when I do peekoboo with him. He squeals when I pretend to bite on his hand or grab his hand while saying "caught you!"

July 14, 1999

Tiger rolled over from the front to the back for the first time today. He has been trying that for some time, but one of his arms was always in the way.

He has become very vocal again. This morning when I was washing his clothes and his father was outside smoking, he started talking and trying to get me to pick him up. When I did pick him up, he's so excited with his whole body moving that I couldn't even hold him.

Sarah from the Familiy Health Foundation came to visit last night. Tiger studied her for a while. He found her to be very interesting. Then he moved toward her in his walker and smiled to her.

July 13, 1999

Tiger has been very happy since Sunday. We took him to a park in the day and then to a open air concert in the evening. But I suspect he is happy simply because he is not hungry any more. Since last week, I started to really understand what "reach for food" means. I didn't know it's that obvious. He literally tried to grab the food in my hand. When I drink from a glass, he reaches for it. If we had waited until last week to start solids, everything would probably be better. The last few days that we thought he was unhappy, maybe he was just hungry. He would even grab somebody's finger and put it right in his mouth and chew on it. I thought he was just teething or he was expressing his affectionate to me. Last Friday, he did it to his doctor. She said, "he's hungry, do you want to feed him?" And I just feed him 30 minuets ago! Not until then I realize that he is hungry. We started him on a jar of peas since he is allergic to oatmeal and rice makes him constipated. He simply loves it. Some books said that babies may not like some food because all they are familiar with are breastmilk. But to Tiger, he just loves everything we gave him. He has finished 2 jars of peas. We are going to try some pears today.

As of Friday, Tiger was 17lbs and 27 inches. Wohoo! He is having a growth spur too. Last night he woke up three times for feeding. At 8:00 feeding I didn't have much milk because I didn't sleep well the previous day and I have been busy at work. He couldn't sleep. He cried every 30 minutes until we decided to give him a bottle at 10:30. It's a good thing I have some storage of milk. Then he nursed at 1:15am, and then 4:45am. I am very exhausted but very happy. This morning when I left, he was all smiles to me.

Tiger just pooped! This morning I called his doctor and left a message about his not having a bowel movement for 7 days and Fan called right after I hang up. He said that he didn't even know when Tiger pooped. He just noticed that Tiger suddenly could not sit quietly and finish his bottle. When he try to get Tiger to drink off the rest of the milk, Tiger started to talk and calling "BaBa" and when he still didn't get it, Tiger changed to call "MaMa". How hilarious.

Another thing I forgot to note, Tiger really loves his walker. He now can move backward and sideways in his walker and he actually manages to turn and move all around! He'll also play with his toys in the walker and drop them before long. Then he'll look for it and try to get it. It's very cute to see him reach out from the "big" walker and he can never really reach the toys. Then he'll either yell to us to try to get our attention to pick it up for him or simply forget it and turn around. There are plenty out there for him to play with. Everything in the house is interesting to him.

July 12, 1999

I really hate that I have to go to work and leave my husband at home to take care of the baby. I hate that I can't take control of many things. Dh is a stubbon man, many times we cannot get an agreement on many matters and he'll just go ahead and do as he pleased. I like more natural approach, I don't like to use medicine to intervene the baby's natual rythem. However, he just doesn't care much. He'll use whatever releaves his concern. For Tiger's eczema, I did lots of research and attempts to cure it using homethepic approach such as useing flaxseed oil. He is not interested in that at all. He would just use hydrocortinzon. Last time Tiger was allegic to oatmeal and had a break out of rash on his face, supposely once we stopped the oatmeal, the rash would disappear eventually. But he has to use medicine on Tiger's face, disregard whether there will be any long-term harm to his skin. When Tiger hadn't pooped in four days, he insisted to use glycerin suppository although I would like to wait for a little longer since Tiger has been breastfeeding exclusively and the doctor said that he's not likely to be constipated and that the glycerin suppository is not good to him. Now we have used the glycerin suppository four times and I don't know if Tiger can still do it on his own! He tries to put the baby to sleep in the day time. When he woke up at 8:30, he put him back to sleep. When I tried to put him to sleep in the evening, he would take guests into Tiger's room at 9:45pm. I don't know how am I going to help Tiger to develop a schedule. I still have to do the dishes, the daily washing of Tiger's clothes, the cleaning of the bottles. I can't get up in the morning and don't even have a chance to say byebye to my baby. I HATE it! I want to be a stay at home mom. Why can't he goes to work and let me stay with my baby? He won't even quit smoking for him!

July 8, 1999

message on asian tinytots club board:

I couldn't agree more to start solids not too early. Tiger is still having his constipation problem since dh gave him that bowl of thick rice cereal. We had tried everything including prune juice, Karo syrupe, baking soda bath and glycerin supporsitory. I know that glycerin supporsitory is not good but that is the only thing that works so far. We have used it four times now. I didn't want to use it but Tuesday night he was literrally screaming when he tried to make a bm and he wasn't able to. The effort and pain was like when I delievered the baby. Last night, per the doctor's instruction, we gave him some oatmeal to add a little fiber. And this morning, he woke up with red dots all over his faces. Poor thing! So my conclusion is, don't give your baby solids as long as he didn't really need it. And when you do introduce solids, do it gradually. Don't get carried away by the enthusiazm of the baby and give him a whole bowl of thick rice cereal. (lol) I learned that the hard way and I'm still paying the price! Can you imagine how much trouble could a little careless by your well-meaned husband bring? I don't want to blame him though, he is troubled even more than I am.

July 7, 1999

I took a day off from work today and got my hair cut. Tiger was so surprised to see mom look differently. He tries to grab my hair but couldn't. Haha! It's so cute to see the wonder in his eyes.

July 6, 1999

Tiger reached for the Chinese "Bing" in my dish tonight. He has been staring at our foods when we are eating for quite a long time, but this is the first time he reaches for it.
He now extends his arms to me when he wants to be picked up. When I talk to his father and him at the same time he would say "ah-hng" when I say "Isn't it, Tiger?". I think he is starting to recognize his name now. It is so cute. He can also play by himself longer now. But in the evenings he doesn't want to play alone, he wants to be held.

July 5, 1999

Tiger is 5 month old today. I told him: "You are a big boy now." But he is unhappy. The last few nights we were trying to train him to sleep by his own. Last night I put him on his crib when he was sleepy and he cried SOOO hard. I kept kissing him, patting him and humming to him but he just keeps screaming and at last I couldn't stand and picked him up. Even then he didn't stop crying for another two minutes. It was as if he was trying to say: "I am hurt, Mom!"

For the entire day today, he has been quiet and serious. He hasn't laughed much. In order to cheer him up a little, I decided to take him to visit Du Hong again since he likes to go out so much and it was too hot outside. Du's mom just came from China. She stretched out her arms toward Tiger the minute I walked in the door. Poor Tiger didn't even know what's going on before he was handed out. His lower lip started trembling immediately. She is a nice and warm woman. It's just that Tiger wasn't ready to be held by a total stranger yet. She liked Tiger so much that she tried to get Tiger every ten minutes and I wasn't adament enough to resist her. She even attempted to hold him when he was tired and drifted to sleep. Tiger cried again. He was so confused and sad: "Why are you doing this, Mom? Don't you like to hold me when I sleep anymore?"

When it was his bedtime this evening, he screamed even before I did anything as if he was scared to sleep because he knew that he would be abandoned. I felt so bad for him. I didn't dare to put him down again. I know I could never do the "crying out". I don't care if I have to hold him all my life. I just want him to be back to his happy self. I know he will sleep by himself when he is ready. I don't mind just to be there for him for a few extra months, or years.