Based on the University of Maryland Robert
H. Smith School of Business, and, in part, the Markets and Society
(The Original) You know you are a business major if… v1.5
- Not only
do you know everything about the accounting scandal, but you also know
what they did wrong to get caught.
have no idea what matlab is.
never, ever want to take another accounting class, ever.
- Everyone walks too slow.
- In fact,
everything everyone does is not fast enough for your taste.
made an accounting teacher cry.
turn in your problem set and leave.
cannot pronounce your TA’s last name.
had a class in which you never learned your TA’s name.
hardest math you’ll ever have to take is stat (Calc doesn’t count because
you took it twice).
still curious as to what a widget is.
are always underdressed.
completed the Diamondback’s crossword puzzle in your computer class.
needed two of your friends to help you complete it.
see a comp sci major and start laughing.
can explain why rent control is bad, but are glad they have it for the
Commons so you can roll out of bed and go to all of your classes without
ever seeing the mall.
eaten an ice cream cone while thinking about that cone’s utility.
turn your nose up at the term “ethics.”
quote that line from Boiler Room every time someone says that money
is the root of all evil.
truly believe that it is immoral to let a sucker keep his money.
- At one
time or another, you had an urge to watch the Enron trial.
have nothing against “slave labor” and secretly admire Nike for keeping
down its prices by any means necessary.
- You want to be Dan Aykroyd
in Trading Places.
for lack of a better word, is good.
seen Boiler Room at least three times.
charge your friends interest, no exceptions.
know how many years it takes to repair your credit after you declare
added your own rules to Monopoly, and I’m not talking about getting money
when you land on Free Parking.
own a Palm Pilot and depend on it for everything, including your own
birthday and telephone numbers.
hate taking classes in buildings without a data jack and outlet at every
seat even though you don’t have a laptop.
- If you
don’t make dollars, you don’t make sense.
want to buy an IPO just to say you did.
P. Keaton (enough said).
used Arthur Anderson as a reason for why you feel you should have gotten a
100% on an accounting in-class quiz.
half done with college and haven’t taken a single class for your major.
you have a Boiler Room poster or would have one if everyone you
and money have negotiable values.
think its funny that none of your professors or
any of the deans majored in business.
only have one quadrant and are never
admire Dell’s supply chain management.
would have considered majoring in ECON if it were part of the business
play games or make lists in class to prevent napping.
mad that you didn’t think of this first.
would probably sell your soul if some sucker would buy it.
involved in group projects, your strength is “managing others.”
call room 1212 by it’s last name.
would buy almost anything on the black market just because it’s such a
only worth 15 minutes of your advisors time.
found errors in a Gradesummit online quiz.
- On the
first day of class, you know exactly what quizzes and homeworks
you cannot do and not have it affect your grade.
would resort to bribery for your 16-credit block to be lifted.
- You no
longer “think” but “know” you’re better than everyone else.
still wish Van Munching Hall were named Heineken Hall.
desperate to put anything and everything on your resume, including SGA.
know at least one person in Quest, but even they can’t explain the program
can tell who won’t make it past 45 credits.
- The barter
system intrigues you.
only science classes you’’ ever have to take are classes like astronomy
and geography, and they’re still harder than you would have liked.
is not more.
an essay begins “Do you think…” you believe that either “yes” or “no” is
an adequate response and there is no way that the professor or TA can
downgrade you for it because you answered the question.
think you should be required to take a one-credit course on “splitting the
decided that you will need to take golf lessons eventually and look
forward to writing them off as a business expense.
will never have to worry about losing anything to budget cuts.
in other buildings hurts your feet because they are not carpeted.
professor has had a nervous breakdown in the middle of class.
still circle the multiple-choice answers on the exam as well as the scantron.
clause “No graphing/ scientific calculators, cell phones or electronic
devices allowed” is printed on every test, quiz, syllabus
and is spoken 15 times by your professor.
get a little too excited when you enter Staples.
someone asks you what you are majoring in, sometimes you slip and say
figured out that the doors have peepholes so that you don’t have to open
the door and disrupt a class to see if the room is empty yet.
get really pissed off at the freshmen (and juniors) that haven’t figured
this out yet.
rationalize not being able to do long division with the fact that you have
anywhere between 3 and 5 calculators on you most of the time (Graphing,
financial, 4 function, Palm and cell phone).
reason you are majoring in Finance is because you had to be in the
business school, you sure as hell weren’t going to do accounting and you
didn’t think you would be able to get a job (let alone make more than
$40,000) if you majored in marketing, so Finance was the winner by
have tri-delts in your classes and they always
sit in the front 3 rows.
still see most of the sorority girls that were in your entry level, pre 45
credits, business classes, yet you no longer see half of the frat boys.
(You know you are a crim or econ major if, after 45 credits, you notice a large
increase in frat boys in your classes.)
know about the thermometers in Van Munching and still have no idea how
they change them.
pisses you off that every “figure,” “table” and chart” is on the page
following the page that discusses them in all of your textbooks.
going to keep an eye out for that next time you read a textbook, which is
always 2 days before the exam.
- It’s 8 weeks into the semester and you still haven’t
learned a single thing in econ, even if you’ve attended every lecture and
every discussion, which you haven’t.
not sure what DIS is, but you’re pretty sure it should be part of comp sci.
know the truth about marketing majors: they’re just comm. majors who
wanted less work and a more impressive resume.
can explain why breaking even in poker after 4 hours isn’t really breaking
even based on the Time Value of Money principle.
taken a career class that actually makes you less prepared for the job
search than you were before the class.
can name a major in business that isn’t Finance, Marketing or Accounting.
bought a RH Smith portfolio that is basically a fancy resume holder.
are considering charging Virginia Tech licensing fees.
- If you have a class in a computer lab, you are compelled to surf the net/talk online.
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