BulletThe Guy Rules
BulletGirlfriend
BulletYou might be a Redneck Jedi Warrior if:

BulletIdiots
BulletTransient
BulletParenting Test
BulletHealth Tips

BulletNewlyweds

BulletTrain Ride

BulletThe Male Dictionary

BulletMen are Lunatics, Women are Nuts

BulletHotel Soap
BulletEight Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

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The Guys Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to
write this all down. Finally, the guys'
side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the
female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules!

Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we
are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable
answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how
you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need
directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want
an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball,
the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on
the couch tonight; but did you know men really
don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

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Girlfriend

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger; it has taken all his space, and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0...
-- A "Don't remind me again" button
-- Minimize button
-- Shutdown feature
-- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that they are totally "object orientated" and only support hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

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You Might Be A Redneck Jedi Warrior If:

Bullet You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." 
Bullet Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
Bullet You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
Bullet At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
Bullet You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
Bullet You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
Bullet You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
Bullet You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.
Bullet The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Bullet Wookies are offended by your B.O.
Bullet You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
Bullet You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Bullet Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
Bullet You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock-thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
Bullet You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land speeder.
Bullet You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.
Bullet You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Bullet You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them Yankees."
Bullet You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
Bullet You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
Bullet In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just "ain't right."

 

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IDIOTS

EMERGENCY ROOM IDIOTS:

   I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter

eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the

conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.  I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency Room right away.

 HIGHWAY IDIOTS:

   I was in a car dealership when a brand new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like

an extra in "Twister."  I asked the manager what had  happened.  He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went into the back to make a sandwich.

 NEIGHBORHOOD IDIOTS:

   I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request removal of the Deer crossing sign on our road. The

reason?  Too many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there!

 COMPUTER IDIOTS:

   My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees out in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

 AIRBORNE IDIOTS:

   Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees in the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.  They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When  they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised  by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.  It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.  They are no longer employed there.

 DEPARTMENT STORE IDIOTS:

   I worked for a while at a K-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of K-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."  One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:

 "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.

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Transient

    It was a cold winter's day that Sunday.  The parking lot to the church was filling up quickly.  I noticed as I got out of my car that fellow church members were whispering among themselves as they walked to the church.

   As I got closer I saw a man leaned up against the wall outside the church. He was almost laying down as if he was asleep. He had on a long trench coat that was almost in shreds and a hat topped his head, pulled down so you could not see his face.  He wore shoes that looked 30 years old, too small for his feet with holes all over them, his toes stuck out. I assumed this man was homeless, and asleep, so I walked on by through the doors of the church.

    We all had fellowship for a few minutes, and someone brought up the man laying outside. People snickered and gossiped but no one bothered to ask him to come in, including me. A few moments later church began.  We all waited for the Preacher to take his place and to give us the Word, when the doors to the church opened.

    In came the homeless man walking down the aisle with his head down. People gasped and whispered and made faces.  He made his way down the aisle and up onto the pulpit.  He took off his hat and coat.  My heart sank. There stood our preacher...he was the "homeless man." No one said a word. The preacher took his Bible and laid it on the stand. "Folks, I don't think I have to tell you what I am preaching about today."

    Then he started singing the words to this song. "If I can help somebody as I pass along.   If I can cheer somebody with a word or song. If I can show somebody that he's traveling wrong. Then my living shall not be in vain."

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Parenting Test

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:

 MESS TEST

    Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

 TOY TEST

    Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST

    Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

    Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

    Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST

    Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it  thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m.  Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST

    Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch  tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST

   Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

    Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes.  You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

    Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

    Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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Health Tips

Calcium

    Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.

     The distinguished lead scientist mounted the podium to make his announcement and gave the highlights of the list. 

     To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

     But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouted from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis!  There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

    The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."

 

This Week's Safety Tip Here's your weekly safety brief. Be careful what you  wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle... especially in  public.

    From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west  couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the  parking lot.

    The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.  The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On  closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

    Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully  stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

   The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

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Newlyweds

    It seems that a young couple had just gotten married, and spent their wedding night with the young mans parents.  In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely  breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down to eat.  After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. His mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat." The grooms young brother said "Mommy, I think..." "Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.  At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal, and again called the young couple to eat.   After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was silenced by his mother. At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait, the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day. The young lad once again said "Mommy I think..." "Well, what is it that you think?!?" asked his mother, rather irritated.  "I think that when my big brother came down to get the vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead."

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TRAIN RIDE

     A few days after his birthday, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.  She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.  Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers, who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.  "She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."   As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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THE MALE DICTIONARY

 "I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously  stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

  "OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

  "I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

  "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be  worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

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Men are Lunatics, Women are Nuts

The Difference;

Bullet

Women have more imagination than men.

Bullet

They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.  Women have their faults.  Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do.

Bullet

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

Bullet

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The Style;

Bullet

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.  Women somehow deteriorate during the night.  When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.  Men invade another country.  It's a whole different way of thinking. 

Bullet

A man will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.  A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

The Workplace;

Bullet

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man.  When a woman gives her opinions, she's a bitch.  Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness.

Relationships;

Bullet

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.  Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.

Bullet

Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women.  For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy.  Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has "potential").  For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy.  So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up.

Bullet

It's not true that men prefer foolish women.  Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.

Love;

Bullet

Men always want to be a woman's first love.  Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's last romance.  The only way to understand a woman is to love her - and then it isn't necessary to understand her.  To women, love is an occupation.  To men, a preoccupation.

Bullet

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.  To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage;

Bullet

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.  A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.  Men marry because they are tired; woman because they are curious.  Both are disappointed.  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.  A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her; a man, of the woman who he didn't.  There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Husbands;

Bullet

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.  One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.  Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Bullet

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

Wives;

Bullet

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.  Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.

The Battle;

Bullet

A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

On Men;

Bullet

If you women knew what we were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.

Bullet

Men are like animals, but they make great pets.

On Women;

Bullet

Can you imagine a world without men?

Bullet

No crime and lots of happy fat women.  Women have two weapons - cosmetics and tears.  Women may be the only group that grows more radical with age.  God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

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Hotel Soap

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests.  The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times.  No name was mentioned.

WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING

----------------------------------------------------------------

   Dear Maid,

 

  Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and the shower soap dish.  They are in my way.

   Thank you,

  S. Berman

  ----------------------------------------------------------------

   Dear Room 635,

 

  I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.  This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.

   I hope this is satisfactory.

   Kathy, Relief Maid

   ----------------------------------------------------------------

   Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.  Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

   I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.

  Please remove them.

 

  S. Berman

  ----------------------------------------------------------------

  Dear Mr. Berman,

 

  My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.  I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.  Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

   Your regular maid,

  Dotty

  ----------------------------------------------------------------

  Dear Mr. Berman,

   The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

   If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.

   Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.  Thank you.

 

  Elaine Carmen

  Housekeeper

   ----------------------------------------------------------------

   Dear Miss Carmen,

   It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM.

  That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.

   I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

   Why are you doing this to me?

   S. Berman

   ----------------------------------------------------------------

   Dear Mr. Berman,

   Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

   Thank you,

   Elaine Carmen,

  Housekeeper

   ------------------------------------------------------------------

   Dear Mr. Kensedder,

   My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

   S. Berman

   ------------------------------------------------------------------

   Dear Mr. Berman,

   I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.  I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.  The situation will be rectified immediately.

   Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

   Martin L. Kensedder

  Assistant Manager

   ------------------------------------------------------------------

   Dear Mrs. Carmen,

   Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little bars of Camay.  I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.

   Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

   S. Berman

   ------------------------------------------------------------------

   Dear Mr. Berman,

   You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the three daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the ideal that this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

   Elaine Carmen

  Housekeeper

   -----------------------------------------------------------------

   Dear Mrs. Carmen,

   Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

   As of today I possess:

   - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

  - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

  - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4

  - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

  - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

  - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

  - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

   Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

   One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault to avoid further misunderstandings.

   S. Berman

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Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: Wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night. "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature Chainsaw are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too -- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate -- ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times. She asked me why I was being so hard on the boy.

"Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

 

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

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NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and
current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME  _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE #  __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK___________________________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS ________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP_________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?_______________________
If No, EXPLAIN ______________________________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________

    Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________

    (If  "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

_______________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________

_______________________________________________________________________

12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend ______________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't  tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

    a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________

    b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________

    c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________

    d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________

    e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________

        ( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ___________________________________
 

        I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?:

_____ Yes, please accept my application

_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...

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WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT. . . . . . .

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

4. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

5. Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me

6. You totaled your car.
Can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That case of Bud Dry?

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SOME CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:

1. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... What the hell was I thinking?"

2. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

3. "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

4. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

5. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."

6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

7. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me....
Like the need for therapy..."

8. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

9. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again."

10. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

11. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"

12. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up... I think it's time you kept your promise."

13. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

14. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

15. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

16. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

17. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

18. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep."

19. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, West Virginia, and (parts of) Virginia)

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What do you call 25 lawyers skydiving?

Skeet

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What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman.

Created by: Phoenix Computer Designs
Last Changed on: November 7, 2005
hooverbw@yahoo.com