On July 6, 1999 I was scheduled for an induction. I was 1 1/2 weeks overdue. After 5 months of intense prayer for my child, I really believed that there was the possibility that this child was healed. As my due date came and passed, the anxious fear inside me was building. I was not going into labor, and the doctors had suspected this would happen due to the anencephaly. I did not want to believe. My relationship with the Lord deteriorated to the point that the only communication was faith proclamations, "I thank You Lord that this baby is healed, Amen." There was so much fear inside me. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Sometimes I would sit and the tears would just come. Everyday I would thank the Lord that the baby was still alive and safe inside me. The induction ended up being a failure. After being in the hospital for 24 hours, I did not even begin dilation. The doctor told me that this could be a three day process. I was tired and defeated. A wise friend pointed out that mabey I had not dealt with my grief and fear, and my body was not ready to give up the baby yet. So we drug home with all my bottled emotions. I decided to give my body more time to prepare itself. My mother and older sister were scheduled to arrive the next day.
The next morning I got honest with the Lord. I cried and grieved intensely. I begged the Lord to heal my baby. I begged the baby not to leave me and I told her how much I loved and wanted her. After an hour, I finally had come to the end of myself. I cried out, "Not my will but Yours be done." As I yeilded my baby to the Lord, I felt that once again He was helping me carry this burden. I was no longer doing this on my own strength.
July 12, 1999. I was now more than 2 weeks overdue. It was time for another induction. The doctors and I feared the baby would soon become too big and that the placenta would deteriorate. I wanted a chance to hold my baby alive. I had been experiencing early labor pains for days, but true labor never came. I was still hoping that the baby was healed, but now I was standing in the Lord's strenght, either way He would not let me fall. I began dilating very slowly once they started the pitocin, but things were going smoothly. Then the doctor broke my water, and the baby's heart rate began to fall. After a couple hours of watching the monitors, watching the baby's heartrate dip dangerously low and then slowly recover- the doctor suggested that we turn off the heart monitors. She told me that I could be watching my baby die and that she did not want to put me through a c-section for a dying baby. The doctor even sent in a perinatologist and an ultrasound machine to make sure the initial diagnosis of anencephaly was correct. The baby's head was very low in the pelvis at this point, but the perinatologist saw a cleft palate and said he was sure that he did not see the top of the skull. Rob and I made the hard decision to turn off the heart monitors. "Please don't leave me little baby" I silently pleaded. I knew that Lord could deliver this baby alive without the benefit of heart monitors. Rob, my sister and I read aloud from the Bible, turning randomly to Scriptures. The Lord blessed us and though I cannot remember what passages were read, they were perfect for the moment. During this time, the Lord was merciful and after 10 hours of labor, I dilated from 4 to 10 cm. in one hour. My friend who is a midwife arrived just in time to coach me through the pushing and the birth. What a blessing!
I pushed for one hour and my baby was coming face first. I knew at this point that she was anencephalic, as babies with this condition often present face first during delivery. My one goal was to push her out as quickly as possible to spare her tender little head and get her out alive. At 7:40 pm, Jasmine Faith Rogers entered the world. It was a silent and peaceful birth. The doctor handed her to me immediately. She was warm and wet. I looked into her blue eyes and said, "Hello baby, I love you." Her hand moved slightly and I grabbed, she weakly grasped my fingers. There was something so beautiful and wise in her eyes. I cannot describe it except to say it was a glimpse of the Glory of the Most High God. She was looking at me, and through me into an eternity I can hardly imagine. The presence of God was so strong in the room I could feel nothing but peace and joy in that moment. Life, what a precious and awsome gift. My husband was right there, stroking her arms and legs, telling her how much he loves her. My sister and the midwife went down on their knees and praised God. The doctor and the nurses were crying. Jasmine's pulse was fading fast, but God orchestrated the whole moment. I asked Rob if he would like to hold her. He took her and had a moment with her and she died in his arms. Right were she belonged. She began her earthly existence in my body and ended it in her daddy's arms. In all, Jasmine lived between two and three minutes. Nobody knows the exact moment of her passing, except her Savior who ever so gently led her home. Family and friends poured into our room. They all got a chance to hold her little body and say goodbye. Jesus held our hand the whole time. It was truly a peace that surpassed understanding. I told our pastor, "The Bible says to store up treasures in Heaven. Jasmine is our treasure in Heaven."
I still miss my daughter very much. I know she is taken care of in Heaven, but I still long to care for her on earth. I know she loved the presence of the Lord. She would jump around in the womb during prayer and praise. I know she was strong in spirit, because she clung to life until her body could no longer hold on. As for my faith in the Lord. He did not heal her in the way I wanted, but He did heal her in His way. I have come to this conclusion. Real faith is not getting everything I want. Real faith is saying, "Lord, the road is too tough for me, but in Your strength anything is possible." Real faith is knowing that God is working all this for good. I know in the end I will be with my Jasmine in Heaven for an eternity. |
