Read What Others Have Shared
(January 2001)

There Is Hope In Knowing That You Are Not Alone

January 27, 2001
From: DMakower
E-mail : chattyg@gotocrystal.net

I grew up in a home with a father who was a Bipolar, paranoid skitsophrenic, with post traumatic stress syndrome. My mom worked and my father quit one job after the next. My four year old sister looked after me...a lot of neglect. My father was put into the VA hospital when I was three. I was put into foster homes until I was six and then went into a Christian orphanage until I was 8 and my mom remarried and brought the 3 of us home. I went through a lot of physical and emotional abuse at each of these places, but the Lord Jesus placed my first stone of the foundation of my faith. Every night we read our Bibles and said grace before our meals. It instilled within me the habit of putting God's word first in my life. I lived with depression, fear and every kind of abuse until I was 18. I lived in a very domestically violent home. My step-father's two sister's as well as his niece were murdered when I was twelve and not knowing whether his brother-in-law was alive or not they brought us to the police station. My mom and her husband brought in two more kids as well as the two they had together. I was one of 8. I was responsible for most of the kids until I was 18. At the age of 14 my neighbor who was 16 committed suicide with a shotgun and the mom brought us in to see the mess. I grew up with horrible violence. I lived with a lot of fear and became a very protective sister and eventually mother. At the age of 14 I was in the hospital for the 3rd time with bleeding ulcers and colitis. I went to a counselor who just told my mom I needed someone to listen to me. I was a girl who always smiled on the outside, but lived with terrible depression on the inside. I was very active in my church and accepted Jesus in my heart at the age of 12. Some how I never seemed to fit in. I wasn't a party goer, and took my faith seriously. I got married early (18) to an emotionally abusive man...you never see that coming. I didn't know hi! m that well, I think I married his family they were so good to me and treated me like their own daughter. My severe depression started when I was 20 something after my daughter was about 9 months old. All I wanted was a precious child to love. I needed someone to love. My ex-husband of 19 years was gone almost the first 3 years she was born. The depression got worse and worse and my confidence in being able to take care of myself went out the door. I went on to have another daughter when I was 23, and I did live by memorizing scripture, it was the only way I could keep my thoughts straight. I would memorize 5 verses a day. It was so.....hard to keep my thoughts from racing, everyone made fun of me, because my voice was so loud, whatever I talked about I changed the subject about every few minutes and no one got a word in edge-wise. I was so embarrassed as the class leader would come up to me and tell me that I needed to be quiet to give others a turn. I really did wa! it, but I was just so excited to share. lol! It really isn't funny. My family doesn't accept that I do have a mental illness. Too be honest, I don't like it either. I have Bipolar II, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and Anxiety Disorder. A lot of it is from my child hood, but a lot of it is genetic. It runs on my father's side of the family. I was ashamed of my father and never wanted to acknowledge him. My mother only had horrible things to say about him, but now that I understand what he went through, I have great compassion. My youngest daughter also has Bipolar. She won't take her meds and doesn't want to accept reality that she does have it. She get's very suicidal at times, but I thank the Lord, that I can take out God's word and share it with her. My favorite scripture that God has used in my life is," II Cor. 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. The Father of mercy and God of all comfort. Who comfor! ts us in all our affliction that we may comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves have been comforted by God."

I have lived in guilt with mentors at church who have quoted scriptures at me and told me that I knew what I needed to do, or that I didn't have enough faith, self-talk, etc. Sometimes, I have felt the prescence of the Lord when I have felt like I couldn't make it one more second, he has delivered me so many times.

Please pray for my 24 year old daughter Christy. She won't take medication and has Bipolar I. She is spiraling down again and gets severely suicidal and will not take medication. She wants to live in denial and refuses to accept the fact that she has a mental disorder, therefore will not take any medication. She needs God's intervention.
Thank you for sharing.

Debbie

January 23, 2001
From: distressed
E-mail : blessedbeloved@hotmail.com

I would love to be able to sit back and explain realistically how depression has had it's toll on my, but my wits certainly won't live up to how they regularly are when I am feeling like myself. I found that happiness I had searched for before, and for me it often depends upon circumstance. I am wholly aware of the fact it is not supposed to work that way, and we as Christians are supposed to trust in God our Savior and Redeemer to be our constant source of hope and joy. Of perfect peace of mind and serene state of clarity. But many times it seems not very possible... right, a lack of faith on my part. Shame is one of the biggest things I deal with in depression. It grimaces on my night and day. I ever so long tarry about thinking 'woe is me' and then regretting certain behaviors/ things that drew me further from God. Right now I feel extrememly far and besides the fact I know there is hope, I certainly don't feel as if there is. One of the biggest aids and healing procedures to lift one out of that 'mucky stage' is definately stomping on the enemy's head and worshipping Jesus. Rejoicing of the true victory we have. Knowing that it is in our weakest point that we are able to see God's power the strongest and best. It is at that point that no more is it any of my own strength but the strength, healing power, and miracle of a Father that constantly loves me regardless of my filthy sin to pour in and penetrate my heart and lift me out of despair. I really truly don't feel myself right now and know much of it is my own fault for straying further from God and turning from Him when He has been the one helping me all along. But alas, my whole sanity has become distorted. No longer are things as exciting and my time becomes filled with nothingness. I need prayer. I need to pray. I need to stand against the enemy's attempts to further attack me and put him back in his place. I will rise above. I will stand on my feet firmly placed on the rock of my salvation and call out on the mighty name of Jesus at the top of my lungs for Him to only rescue me from such bog and mire. It's as if I feel numb... can't even decipher my feelings anymore. Too much confusion. This calls for some mighty warfare that's what I have to say. I can't stand myself so much of the time and in turn withdraw. I become too concentrated on myself and soon find success diminishing. Oh that I may rise again and never fall back down to such a place as this. For it is deep torment and extremely dreadful. As you read this... (whether you are a victim yourself or are just trying to gain perspective on depression from other's experiences... whatever the case) I ask of you to step aside at this very moment and fall on your knees for me, please!! I am in desperate need of an army of warriors to fight against the attacks of the enemy. I will no longer take it and the more the battle goes on within the more the torment lingers. Please cease the day for a fellow sister in Christ and call upon the name of the Lord for true freedom and victory!! I will pray blessings upon all who have stopped here to read this and try the best I can to continue looking up. Here is a poem of hope I wrote and declare to stand upon against Satan's attacks...

In the bleak cold winter the fire still burns
A flame consuming my heart of stone
Weary and troubled I have yet to learn
In this painful heartache I am not alone

I have heard of redemption
Saved by grace am I
But far away from true freedom is this feeling I possess
Will you now hold me and release this distress

Lost in withdrawl, caught in worthless habits galore
What I am lacking I honestly deplore
Desperate for relief, for pure joy once again
I will trust you my savior to make this sorrow end

Consume my being with your sweet spirit so serene
Cause my selfishness to flee
Renew your perfect peace inside of me,
And I will rest in you in pure tranquility.

Blessings to you as you journey through the web. May your life be constantly touched by the tender love of our Father's ravished heart.
In Christ,
Christina

January 3, 2001
From: Arthur
E-mail : artbm@hotmail.com

To Whomever,
I wish it were as simple for me as having depression, I have depression which is just one symptom of a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, and trying to be a Christian at the same time.

Imagine you are a borderline Christian.
Imagine that your thoughts and feelings change suddenly, with no apparent reason, other than that they can and always have.
Imagine that your brain shifts from thoughts of dying, to thoughts of goals and planning for the future within minutes.
Imagine that your fantasy is your reality, yet true reality never matches your fantasy.
Imagine that you have no conscious choice to live in either place.
Imagine that all your achievements in the past, perhaps even in the past hour, now mean nothing as if they never happened.

Imagine that you are as distant to understanding others as you are often as distant from yourself . The line is never drawn solid. It changes...altering perception. You never actually can "cross the line" because one never exists in your world. It has always been fluid. It relies on your present state, real or fantasy and you find yourself constantly guarding yourself against an invisible enemy. And, then one day, you discover the enemy all along has been YOU.

You learn that life is not a flight or fight situation. Your brain understands this and comprehends and focuses on reality, yet the pull of your perceived state of emotions tug and brings you down the drain. When you are your own enemy, there is no true visible target. You strike out against yourself in a world that you perceive to be eternally striking against you. You find harm and pain in the warmest of places and ignore risk and intuition as well as instinct, when you feel emptiness deep within. All you know is to fill the hole that can never be truly filled due to the fact that everything you place within disappears so quickly. No dollar amount, no satisfaction, no person, no relationship, no self-achievement, no concept of GOD could ever fill it. You just can't feel it.

No security to be found in reality, so you escape to religion, and develop altering perceptions to keep you safe and sound. As you grow, He has followed you, the ultimate guardian. A friendly GOD to ward off your attackers. But at the time you are blind to this. Then, as you grow and prosper, you discover that the GOD you created to be by your side, serving, as your friend, your protector, is not The Real GOD ( Christian God fails). You stand alone in a fight that has existed for years, since you were a child.

Imagine yourself now discovering all of this yet confused on how you are suppose to match your inner being with your outer environment. The truth - the reality that you do exist in. As you grew up you assumed many roles in life, those which rely on intellect. Your escape from this hell has been in a need to grow, to learn, to achieve, and to be productive, yet you only fail over and over. You are not much more than an actor assuming any and all roles placed before you ( Christian ?) - often feeling you have entertained an empty house. There may be applause from the crowd - yet you can not stand to hear it. To acknowledge your success is to acknowledge your fulfillment. Once you are fulfilled, the final curtain, you feel, will come down, and you start on the merry-go-round from hell again.

The combination of intelligence and compassion with that of borderline personality can be no worse then hell. You are aware of the destructive behaviors, the emptiness, the desperate measures you will take not to be abandoned or hurt...yet you are as helpless as you were when a child. You have relied on your intellect to bring your further along in life, yet without the emotions, you have remained a partial child. Often reacting and acting out as a child in an adult world and situations. There is no match and no resolution. You learn you can not move forward in life without striking a balance between the heart and the head. You learn that in order to be yourself, you can not be the child you once were. A child living in a horrid reality and one who escaped to vivid fantasy for survival.

Again, no friendly GOD to come and save you. You believe GOD for all but you. . . . . Art