ILLEGAL AFFAIRS
(1993)
 

The courtroom meets the bedroom in this movie from the creators of Bikini Med School.  Three half hour installments make up this "movie" with storylines about affairs and divorce.  At least there's an attempt for storylines.  They really serve as reasons to have different sex scenes throughout.  One of interest includes two homeless people going at it.  This movie reeks of cheese, from the crappy music ripped off from L.A. Law to the corny dialogue straight from a trashy romantic novel with Fabio on the cover.  The sexual puns fly with no restraint.  It definitely detracts from the grade C soft core porn scenes.  There's one scene that has clown music playing in the background (I kid you not).  The creators of this slop tried to take some plot points from the newspapers, with a promiscuious basketball player who's banged thousands of "hoopies" around the country, and with some stolen home-made sex videos that become big-selling porn.   There are some decent ideas and some ok sex scenes, but overall, this "movie" is a flying dung heap that should be avoided.
 
 
 
 

BRIEF AFFAIRS
(1993)
 

The legal & libido action continues in Brief Affairs, as the same three lawyers continue helping husbands and wives settle their differences or divide their belongings.  The sexual puns are non-stop in these three half-hour stories.  Here's a sample, taken from dialogue from two lovers who believe they were from ancient Greece :

"As his armies advanced through the gates of my city-state, I felt the walls
crumble and fall.  A legion of archers recoiled for their one final volley.
The catapult cocked with its oversized load..."

I didn't know if I should die laughing or just die so I wouldn't have to listen to anymore of this drivel.  But of course, being the glutton for punishment that I am, I listened on.  Here's some dialogue describing a sexual encounter between a fisherman and the teenage girl who fed his fish:

"As his fingers dipped into her bait can, his hook became upright as he
succumbed to her lure."

<retch>  If there weren't naked women throughout this movie, I would have burned it on the spot.  I'm so disgusted, I don't even want to continue thinking about it...