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MOVIES ALONE IN THE DARK
Quick Rating:
* Oh god, they let him direct again! Uwe Boll, the "mind" that gave us the abysmal "House of the Dead" is back with another video game adaptation. Alone in the Dark's story (as told to us by the longest written introduction I've ever seen in a movie!) is about some monsters that live in a world of darkness. And those monsters were let into our world by an ancient civilization 10,000 years ago (Nevermind that there were no civilizations 10,000 years ago), who had since mysteriously disappeared. These creatures are impervious to everything, except a small range of elements on the periodic chart. (huh?). Oh, and the light, which can kill them. Maybe. Starring in this turd of a film is Christian Slater. Yes, I said "starring". Yeouch. Slater brings nothing to this movie. He's a former agent of a secret government bureau dedicated to the paranormal. And now he freelances? I guess? He fights some guys who don't die from bullets, and he has a romance with a museum curator, played by (get this) Tara Reid. Some other stuff happens. There's a bunch of monsters. Some horrible dialog. And lots of gunfire. This movie has no point. It drags on. There are huge plot holes and editting mistakes. The trick photography and visual effects that Boll uses so ineptly are all over the place, but fortunately, not as much as in House of the Dead. Compared to HOTD, this has better acting (if you can't imagine how Slater and Reid are a step up, then you obviously haven't seen HOTD), and it looks better, and Boll doesn't overuse the outdated bullet-time and slo-mo effects like he did in HOTD. But Alone in the Dark is still one craptastic movie. At least with HOTD you could laugh at how bad it was and the goofy shit Boll thought was cool. This film just bores you to tears. Did you know: If you get electrocuted when you're young, you can kill any monstrous parasite that might be attached to your spinal cord? Quality: 1.5 Visuals:
3.0 Intensity: 1.0 reviewed
2005
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