Starring Dick Rambo

Quick Rating: *

We start out in New York 1955.  A pregnant lady is very upset in the hospital.  She's about to give birth, and is screaming that "they want my baby, they want my baby!"  The nurses and nuns (?) reassure her she'll be fine, and it'll all be over soon.  She has a baby girl, a black cat appears, and then some odd dude with a Satan altar in his house ends up with the baby.
 
Fast forward (as you probably will do while watching this movie) to 1977.  The girl, Jessica, is all grown up and is a clothing designer.  You can feel the love story coming.  Oh, and it does.  In the worst way possible.  Some guy plows into her parked car.  And not just any guy - it's Dick Rambo!  Playing a character named Andy, and dressed horribly in a plaid shirt and one ugly tied sweater.  For some reason, Andy attempts to use this accident as a way to weasel a date out of Jessica, but it's not working.  She's pissed.  At least she was attempting to be pissed.  But she ends up giving him her car keys and he takes off with her car!  Bright girl.  By this point in the movie, you've already given up on it.  That scene was a killer.  In the bad sense.
 
Anyway, he comes back with her car all fixed up, and he even washed & waxed it.  He then pitifully attempts for a dinner date, only to be denied again.  Has he figured it out yet?  It's that obnoxious old man sweater!  Get rid of it!  So, hard-up Andy decides to stalk Jessica, hounding her on phone, in person, at home, at work, pleading desperately for a date.  And you know what, it works!  You see that - girls like it when you hit their car, dress like a blind man, and stalk them constantly!  She agrees to a date... and prepare your ooh's and ahh's... that's right, they fall in love!  Ooooh.  Ahhhh.   Shoot me.
 
The two love birds enjoy date after date.  But, unbeknownst to them, some weird bald guy is following them.  And then there's the horse ride, when a black cat jumps out of a tree to attack the horse that Andy is riding on.  This pathetic scene apparently seals the deal on their love for each other, because now her "father" is pissed, and he prays to Satan to keep her virginal.  That'll probably put a damper on their wedding plans.  And then he sends his cute little kittens to kill Jessica's boss, and kidnaps Jessica and takes her away.
 
Andy is heartbroken, but then the next day there's a front page story about a girl in a coma drawing a pentagram in New Orleans.  Why a San Francisco newspaper would run a story about a girl and a mysterious drawing in New Orleans on its front page is a mystery to me.  But apparently Andy is smart enough to recognize the symbol and match it to the symbols he found in his vandalized church, so he flies to N'orlins.  There he finds out the mother of the child is his old love interest (did they not put her name in the paper???  or, maybe he just forgot about her).  Boringly, this leads to an exorcism of the girl, and a very, and I mean VERY disappointing ending.  There was just no resolution.  Possibly they were hoping this would lead to a TV series?  I think the networks made the right call if that was the case.  The movie was bad enough, but to end it like that... abysmal.
 
 


 

Quality: 2.0  Visuals: 2.5  Intensity: 2.5  
OVERALL RATING: 2.3