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MOVIES HOUSE OF THE DEAD
You may see the quick rating above and think that this movie must be pretty bad to deserve a 0. Well, you're right. I reserve the 0 rating for the absolute worst movies out there. Ones that have nothing going for it. Nothing worthwhile. Now, you might think "House of the Dead - that should have some zombies and gore in it, right? Isn't that worthwhile?" And yes, it does have zombies, and gore. But considering that, and that this is a recent movie with the world of cheap effects available to it, House of the Dead is one deplorable movie. I had heard all the reviews. How it was chosen by many to be the worst movie of the year. So, I was expecting bad. What I got was so much worse. My friend Matt and I were excited about seeing this bad movie, hoping to have a good time at its expense. And we did for parts of it, but overall, it left my throat aching, damaged from an hour and a half of fighting back bile. As the story starts, a group of youngsters are trying to get to an island where a big rave is happening. The acting and camerawork are noticeably amateurish. They meet Clint Howard (doing his worst acting job... ever) as a retarded Gorton's fisherman, and a grisly captain with a forced German accent. I've never seen a seafaring captain who wears a leather jacket before, but what the heck! So the kids (with the helps of some greenbacks) get the gruesome twosome to bring them to the island. Of course, the island has some curse, and it's called La isla del morte. "Morte... that's spanish for DEATH", Clint informs us. They get there and the rave is in shambles. What had happened? Turns out to be zombies. Many many zombies, who have run amok and are intent on killing people (it appears). There is so much action in this film and so much gunplay, and so much death, and so many zombies. And I didn't like a second of it. There was no substance to the story or the characters. There was no suspence. No mystery. Just loud zombies running around, and the main characters shooting them. and shooting them. and shooting them. yawn. Not once did I feel for the characters. Not once was I scared. Not once did I not see something coming. Lame-o. Here's what's wrong with the movie... Everything. The story is hilariously bad. The plot holes are wide. The acting - the worst I've ever seen. I can't see how any of these guys got a passing mark in acting class. The direction - miserable. There is overuse and misuse of slow-motion, high speed camera, matrix-esque "bullet time" scenes, and video game clips. Yes, video game clips show up from time to time. Why, you may ask? I'm not quite sure... just to remind us that this turd of a movie was inspired by a shoot-em-up video game, I guess. Wait, where was I? I was telling you what was bad about this movie. Did I mention the acting? Yes, I did. Oh, the script. Some of the most cringe-inducing lines I've ever had the displeasure of hearing. The off-timed reciting by these "actors" didn't help either. But really, there's no helping these gems : "Why? Why? Why? Why do they always ask why?", "This book looks old, maybe it can help us!", and this exchange: "You did this all to become immortal...why?" "To live forever". Ugh. The editing was also bottom of the barrel. We have obvious exploding blood packets and pull lines. There's one scene where the zombies are leaping towards the main characters, and in the MIDDLE of the screen is the spring-board that the zombie uses to jump. It's clearly visible - it's even lit, in the dark forest, and we see it activated, shooting the actor into the air! There's so many losses of continuity - people in two consecutive shots with different weapons, people in one location in one scene and when the camera is further back, they are no longer there. Some scenes have rain seemingly turning off and on. One particular scene really stuck with me. Everyone's shooting up the zombies (for what seems like an eternity), and one girl gets grabbed by a few of the dead. It appears that she's a goner. Her love interest, who is fully armed, I may add, sees her, and instead of shooting the zombies, or trying to save her in some other manner, he looks like he's lost in thought. And then we are treated to a rapid-fire recap of the film so far. A 30-second (maybe longer) mishmash of quick clips from what we've already seen. What the hell was the purpose of that? Why didn't he just shoot the zombies? Or run and hide? Or even think back to good times he had with the girl... no he's thinking about all the scenes in the movie - even ones he wasn't in!!! This is one bad bad movie, and no one should ever see it. The director, Uwe Boll (I'm not sure how to pronounce that) should be tarred and feathered. And now I hear he's making another movie based on a video game - Alone in the Dark. I'll be sure to avoid that one. Quality: 0.5 Visuals:
2.0 Intensity: 1.0 Gore: 1.0 reviewed
2004
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