This is an Asian horror movie, one in a line of films.  I haven't seen any
of the others, but I have heard about the original, "Mr. Vampire".  However,
that DVD was too expensive so I ended up with the New Mr. Vampire.
Hopefully I can stay faithful to the story with my review.

A grave robber opens a coffin to find a rat-infested corpse.  The body has
no money or jewels, so the robber is upset.  Somehow this corpse comes to
life and the coffin itself chases the robber around.  This chase leads to a
ghost hunter, and his direct competition across the street.  These hunters
then fight each other with the coffin in the middle of them.  After beating
up the vampire and attaching a parchment (that resembles a giant post-it
note fortune) to his forehead, the crisis is averted.

The next day the first hunter (who I'll call "the teacher" from this point
on) and his student have to compete with the second hunter (who I'll call
"the uncle" from this point on) for a new job.  The brother of a very
powerful man has died in a brutal manner.  The hunters display their
knowledge and skill in front of the powerful man, explaining to him (and to
us) the various superstitions that can sour someone's death.  You see, if
the corpse has a large pillow, he may look at you and cause you bad luck.
But if you give him a smaller pillow, he looks up and can curse the
structure of the house he is in.  The teacher proves more knowledgeable and
business-savvy, and he wins the job.  He and his student hammer 49 nails
into the coffin lid (I'm not sure why, either).  Then they move the body in
a carriage into the countryside.  However, the jealous and angry uncle has
stowed away and is up to no good.  He shaves the moustache of the corpse (oh
god, no!) and exposes him to moonlight.

We then return to the unlucky grave robber.  He has snuck into the coffin of
a beautiful girl.  While stealing her jewelry, she awakes due to
lightning(?), and then flashes of pink and green light cause them to kiss.
The special effects look like someone gave a 3rd grader some highlighters
and set him loose on the film.  Anyway, as they kiss, the mausoleum
explodes, and they come spinning out of it like extreme gymnasts.  She then
chases him through the countryside and lo and behold they run into the
teacher and student, who are trying to give a proper burial (?? or not, they
have him standing against a tree surrounded by an arc of fire).  This causes
a disruption which is just what the uncle needs to turn the newly shaven
corpse into a vampire.

The movie gets even sillier as it goes, with electrocutions, cannons,
drunkenness, hair cream, shirtless Asian soldiers, and the uncle saying
"absorb, absorb, absorb!".  I'm not sure what to make of all of it.  It
certainly was funny, and would be a good choice for a drunken bad movie
night.  But as anything legitimate, it fails miserably.
 
 
 
 

Quality: 2.0  Visuals: 2.5  Intensity: 3.5  Laughability: 5.0 
OVERALL RATING: 3.3