"Thoughts from the Torch-Wielding Mob"
(originally published on www.countgore.com)

Crisco Ramalard ( not his real name ) of Istanbul, Turkey, is a werewolf -- or so, at least, his neighbors believe. By day, Ramalard is an unassuming pit-checker at the local gourmet sand-crab canary. 

By night, however, he becomes a possessed monster who's tortured howls can be heard throughout the streets of a frightened community. His hairy, twisting sillouette can be seen writhing behind drawn shades when the moon if full, and stranger still, adjacent chicken ranchers have reported massive poaching in recent months. 

We talked to this cursed devil, and though we didn't understand a word, gathered that the man-beast's alibi is that he has an affinity for fermented goat's milk, and sometimes likes to sing old Abba tunes and dance around in his underwear until he cries himself to sleep at night. Ramalard went on to pantomime, "Hey, everyone in my family is hairy ! We're Turkish !"

When asked about the missing poultry, this hellspawn creature of the night claimed that his neighbors were trading them to the CIA for crack, and then pocketing the insurance mone -- 

What? 

Count Gore's Weekly Web Show? 

Ahh, guess I misunderstood. Coulda sworn they told me this gig was with The Weekly World News... 

Hey, they aren't that different, are they? Man, I spent half the morning researching this story too... 

Well, I'll try to do better next week. Until then, have you heard the one about the Elvis impersonator who's dog talked him into marrying an alien sasquatch ? How about Dave Thomas' last request being that his body be mixed into a vat of chili ? 

Tough room...

Ghastlee