"The Funeral Pyre for Horror TV?"
(originally published on www.countgore.com)

Who needs another recasting of The Munsters or The Addams Family? Now we have the real deal in THE OSBOURNES. 

Ozzy and Harriet this ain't... and thank the tv gods for that. MTV, for all the negatives that could be lobbed their way, and for better or worse, are the pioneers of the most recent wave of "reality-based" tv. The Real World begat Survivor which begat Fear Factor etc., etc... You know the litany. 

One of MTV's occassionally interesting "Lifestyles of Pop Stars Who Have Things That You Could Never Dream Of In A Million Years" programs called CRIBS went to Ozzy's house to play one day, and the producers stumbled on a gold-mine of comedy-via-irony. 

Here was Ozzy Osbourne, the Godfather of Goth, the man voted least likely to survive the 70's, at least semi-domesticated and attempting for the first time in his life to deal with REAL life. What self-respecting tv producer wouldn't immediatly say to themself, "Paydirt!"??? 

Ozzy has always come off as congenitally befuddled, or as wife Sharon once described him, loveable in a "lost puppy" kind of way. Watching the quintestential rock and roll reveler--who once snorted a pile of piss-ants off a parking lot while in a bombed-out haze -- coping with the even more subversively bizarre world of everyday family life is an ultimate irony in itself. 

One that even through the permanant fog, Ozz himself obviously sees and is constantly bemused and further befuddled by. Through it all though, at the heart of The Osbournes lies a love story. 

By now everyone has heard some version of how Sharon saved Ozz from his self-created blizzard. The poor-little-rich-girl with a bad-boy complex, she defied her record-exec daddy's wishes (and threats to cut off the cash-flow) to follow her heart and single-handedly rescue rock's Madman from his vices--reinvigorating his career in the process. That was twenty-odd years ago. 

I remember seeing Ozzy in concert back when (showing my age--and probably repeating myself too ) his first solo album came out in the early 80's. He was a big, unhealthy looking slug of a fellow who was out of breath after the first song and looked like he was ready to drop right onto a cardiologist's gurney by the last.

 Fastforward to 2002; he looks younger and healthier than he--well, than he ever has. Married life has been good for Ozz. Sure, to para-a-phrase from Dok Goulfinger, his fuzzer is futzed. 

"How much is natural and how much of it is self-inflicted damage?", is a question that I would have to put to myself before I could begin to understand the mind of someone who has lived the life Osbourne has. It's just amazing, and encouraging, to see him still walking around. 

This guy could be the next George Burns, living to age ninety-nine and astounding science and mortal man alike, and I don't think we'll have to worry about this living legend going out by hitting his head in the tub--Sharon will be there giving him spongebaths! 

The Osbournes are a scrappy bunch. 

When they are having a row amongst themselves, they pass their leisure time feuding with the neighbors. Pat Boone was their neighbor at one time, we learn, and they oddly enough got along great with him. We're only hearing The Osbournes side of that one though. Probably had ol' white-shoes scared otta his skin! 

So far, the show hasn't been dull! 

We've been treated to the entire family engaged in wholesome activities such as pelting the noisy neighbors with food through a hedge, a graphic discussion of daughter Kelly's impending first trip to the gynocologist, and Ozzy freaking out because one of the dogs wet on his expensive, imported rug. 

No, it ain't Father Knows Best, and by the same token, it ain't dull either. At times the show looks like Cops Meets The Beverly Hillbillies with English accents. In fact, the Beverly Hills PD have already appeared on the show so often that they should be listed as regulars. These could be your best f! riends, or the neighbors from hell, depending on which side of the genepool you woke up on.

 Treading water, let me say that I could personally hang with these folks...for about twenty-two minutes at a time. Too much turmoil. I could find the same dynamics in any trailer-park dotting the countryside. 

From a strictly video-voyeuristic point of view -- if I may wax pseudo-intellectual, and I may -- it is a fascinating "fish out of water" study, with the stereotypical rock star now living in a different fishbowl. He seems content there, but then a fish's memory only holds from the little castle to the surface of the water and back. As Cosby once observed, bewilderment is part of the package when you are a dad and husband. 

Ozzy has always lived in a state of perpetual bewilderment, so he had that part of the role down-pat going in. In most ways, he reacts no differently to the swirling chaos of family life than any other guy. While Sharon and son Jack are busy directing mega-decibles of retaliation at the neighbors at 2am, including at least one old Black Sabbath tune, Ozzy is sawing mega-decible logs on the couch, totally oblivious. 

(A very funny twist on another Ozzy's bit , for anyone who has been around long enough to remember The Nelsons). 

When the idea occurs to him that his teenage daughter may be having sex, The Icon, as he occasionally and self-deprecatingly refers to himself, reacts like your average dad. He picks up a LARGE pestal off the kitchen counter and tells his little Princess quite seriously, "If I find out about it I'll shove this up his --". 

Ah, the joys of fatherhood. That 70's Show dad, Red Foreman, couldn't have said it any better. The bond this frighteningly typical ( if you believe the Springer show) family has, always shines through the chaos. There is a a frank, even brutal, honesty to the way these people interact. 

How can Ozzy and Sharon NOT be totally honest with their young-un's, when the record of their pasts is an open book ? The kids, spoiled rotten though they may be (Ozzy to his son: "You bought 100 pair of bloody leather pants ???"), have an undeniably genuine reverence for their parents. 

The word "clannish" has negative connotations, but most accurately describes this family. They can apparently say anything in the lexicon to one another, but woe to the outsider who casts a fish-eye in their direction. They'll jump to one-another's defense like only family can ... just like The Addams, The Munsters, The Clampetts, and the family in trailer-plot #13 from last week's episode of Cops... 

They're good people. Scary, but good people. So here is where we find our legends of rock--or at least one of them -- today. 

Can you imagine if Hendrix and Morrison were still around? They could adopt the little Pepsi girl and do a remake of Full House or My Two Dads. Ok, now I'm making myself shudder... 

Anyway, check out the funniest neo-sitcom-reality-based-heart-warming-piece-o'-weirdness available for your viewing pleasure, The Osbournes, Tuesday nights. The ol' trapdoor is feeling shaky, and I see The Count's hand is tenuously close to the lever. 

While I'd normally like to leave 'er with a joke, I think I'd better shake my tailfeather outta here... People are chucking food at me through the hedge... 

Your ol' pal,

Ghastlee