"Mr. Bill Says You Are All Going To Hell! "
(originally published on www.countgore.com)

Gather 'round once again, one and all. Gather 'round this imposing podium of preponderance we call The Gallows. 

This week, for your amusement, and with the aid of only a pointed stick and an ordinary household keyboard, I shall attempt to taunt and prod a most formidable beast that has once again reared it's ugly head. We can call this foul-smelling entity "The Thing That Talks Out of Both Sides of It's Mouth". We could call it simply, by it's age-old name, Hypocrisy. 

This time it unfortunately presents itself as the Fox network, which is like having to throw open the daylight to an old friend who has become a vampire. ( Not YOU, Count... at least this time ! Heh-heh! ) No, seriously, and in all fairness to vampires, ghouls, and anyone with two mouths -- a vulture picking at it's own festering carcass is more pleasant than what we are about to discuss. Precrannial discretion is advised, but highly unlikely. 

Fox's recent presentation of THE CORRUPTION OF THE AMERICAN CHILD, or as I'll refer to it from here on, MR. BILL SAYS YOU ARE ALL GOING TO HELL! , tried and to some extent succeeded in it's superficial goal of pointing out pop-culture's many failings. 

The flaw most glaringly, albeit inadvertently, highlighted here was television's innate ability to point the sticky finger of blame at some one else. The very fact that this hour-long railing against the subversive nature of media directly followed a sleazily-grisly Fox product called POST MORTEM said far more about the nature of this beast than Bill O'Reillys "incensed" and borderline-McCarthyesque rantings and interrogatory. 

REAL dead bodies would appear to be ok with Fox and Mr. Bill, just don't go singin' or tellin' spooky stories about hypothetical/ mythological ones. Using this logic, we would have to say "so long" to all those old folk songs and stories our great-great grandparents went to all the trouble of passing down through the generations. Too much "bad" stuff in there; people drinkin' and fighting' and fornicatin' and such, y' know. 

After hearing many defensible arguments for the legitimacy of art for art's sake -- including the always considered comments of Marilyn Manson who said quite correctly that Shakespeare ( and theater in general ) was considered "bad for the kids" back when Romeo and Juliet was still modern art--I was left wondering how much of the guest's rebuttals ended up on the video equivalent of the cutting-room floor. 

How many of them brought up the negative influence of hair-sprayed dreck like 90210 on a generation, the subversive genius that is The Simpsons (Still the BEST writing on tv!), or other valid counter-points, only to have those comments be selectively chosen to never see the light of day? 

In true tabloid-tv style, the interviews were cut short when the answers started to become insightful. In-your-face evil kabukis Insane Clown Posse led off and were allowed the most airtime, only and obviously because they are unapologetically blunt, and frankly not the best poster-boys for the forwarding of free expression. 

Don't get me wrong, the ICP boys were hilarious and unflappable, but a little like having your drunken uncles be the lead character-witnesses in your defense. 

Rap culture patriarch Russell Simmons was visibly angry that this "suit" (editorial comment, not Simmons'), as far removed from the realities of inner-city life as one can get, would dare to question the motivations and effects of his artist's work--and rightly so. 

As a viewer, I was angry for Simmons and all Mr. Bill's guests. Particularly infuriating and insulting was O'Reilly's tying together of the ugliest underbelly of the humanity, and it's proliferation on the 'net, with music, movies, drive-time radio, and professional wrestling.

 Sick people do sick things, and even loosely associating those who use the 'net to forward their sickness in with legitimate artists is just unfair yellow journalism. To say O'Reilly was "Painting with a broad brush" is an understatement; Mr. Bill would prefer to just cast a can of scarlet paint in the direction of those things he doesn't understand.

What he doesn't understand scares him, and therefore must be bad, right? 

Nonetheless, it draws the numbers, which presents an internal dilemma. Whatever will Mr. Bill do? 

Why, return to his Inside Edition roots, and opt for exploitation under the guise of information, of course. 

How original! 

He and Maury had a good laugh about that one over high-balls at "The Club" no doubt. 

In between single-minded grilling sessions with pop-stars, producers, lawyers and morning disc jockeys, O'Reilly (who seems to fancy himself the new Ed Murrow or Mike Wallace) made one brief concession to the fact that Fox is just as guilty as any other media outlet of pandering to his idea of the common-denomenator. 

Every argument, including Fox's own, leads inevitably back to parental guidance and control. It all starts and lands with a solid thud right back in the parents lap's. 

This idea was demonstrated (?) with "When Idiots Attack" quality home-video footage of a fight breaking out between parents at a kid's tee-ball game. 

Huh??? 

The underlying message here was, lest we not be fooled and bitten from behind by another head of the crafty Hydra, "It's all that OTHER stuff that is bad for you; that stuff we're not heavily invested in.."

Fox was founded on shock. 

Fox was made a viable entity by Married With Children, a total affront to the wholesome American ideal. Who is Fox trying to kid here? Must be themselves, because even a kid had to have seen right through this thinly-veiled exploitation of everything it pretended to revile. 

This was like a bad old joke; a talking-head walks into a bar with a fox in his pocket... 

Or vice-versa. 

I have two beautiful daughters, and a grandson on the way, and the one thing I hope to leave 'em with in the end is the ability to recognize reactionary cow-flop when they see it. 

For that lesson, this would be a perfect teaching tool : "See that, honey ? Don't step in it..."

Ah, spleen all vented! 

(Well, my shoes are damp anyway, so something happened).

Hope the next guy up here doesn't take a header, but then if he does we can always sell the tape to the producers of "When Opinionated Loud-Mouths Slip and Fall In Mysterious Puddles : Part 13 .".

Later all !

Ghastlee