"We're All WASTED"
(originally published on www.countgore.com)

Ken and Pam Kish know how throw one hell of a party for 1,500 or so of their closest fiends. Their CINEMA WASTELAND 2002 show ( www.cinemawasteland.com ) which was held this past October 4th-6th in Strongsville, Ohio, was not only no exception, but solid evidence that the success of this and any event starts at the top and filters all the way down through the guests and all those in attendance. 

Unlike many so-called "conventions" ( cross reference that term in Roget's with the word "common"), Wasteland is a SHOW in the truest sense. Far from being just a glorified dealer-room full of vendors hawking their wares; the mood and attitude at the Kish's event is much closer to the old Andy Hardy/ Our Gang attitude of, " Hey kids ! Let's put on a show !!!". ...and put on a show they did!

Woo-boy, I'm still in recovery -- and still brushing spent brain-cells off my shoulders like dandruff ! 

Here though, is a rambling recollection of the weekend that will always remain imbedded in the insane membrane between Your's Ghastlee's ears... 

After a year of planning, here it was at last, Cinema Wasteland; a magical land of escapism that appears only three days a year to lift our hearts and corrupt our souls , and gives a reason to live the other 362. PLANNING is the operative word here. Unlike other promoters who seem to be scheduling and rescheduling the doin's at their shindig right up until showtime (and sometimes beyond), the Wastleland folks began planning this year's presentation before last year's was even history. 

The sense of organization is the keystone to the sense of laid-back fun that surrounds you as soon as you walk in the door. The commaraderie abounded and was compounded by the fact that the Kish's had thrown the door open to the Horror Host Underground to invade. I had warned them that we hosts tend to swarm, and if you leave the door open we'll over-run the joint. 

Well, that was a self-fullfilling prophecy that came to be as a cornucopia ( or is it a backed-up cistern?) of hosts descended in a dark cloud of Biblical proportions. 

No one contacted Guiness other than to toss back a few at the bar, but this well may have been the largest gathering of horror hosts ever in any one place. Legends, wannabees and soon-to-be's came a-crawlin' out'n the woodwork, some traveling many a mile to be there. Local son SON OF GHOUL made the scene, as did DR.CREEP, DR. SHOCK, DR. FREAK, DR. MOR B.S., DOKTOR GOULFINGER ( Is there a Docktor in the house?), BARON VON WOLFSTEIN, I. ZOMBI, THE BONEJANGLER & NOCTURNA, and some obnoxious fool in a red suit -- for a grand total of ten, count 'em, TEN costumed hosts adding color and the distinctive smell of roaring greasepaint to the place. Not to mention the individual entourages worth of Zeppelin "back in the day" who were selflessly, sidekicking and shamelessly shilling for their home team as well as the HHU. 

The Bonejangler's wrassler CHARLES CROWLEY was attracting stares all weekend, looking for all the world like a giant Chucky doll with 666 emblazoned across his forehead, he would invariably counter any questioning of the mark with, " I don't know what you mean...", or, " Only BAD people see that !". Mor B.S.'s sidekick/ real-life son, Wart, camped out at the HHU table to demonstrate that funny is a recessive gene that is passed generationally -- and to feed me beer ! Meanwhile the crew from the vast outback of the Sierra Umphweephwee region of Dayton, Ohio -- Jeff McClellan, American; Louu the XXXmas Devil; and of course the charmstress with," STOP LOOKING AT MY ASS AND WATCH THE HHU !" bouncing across her buttcheeks, Suspira-- had my back every step of the way trying to keep me from toppling over and cracking my head on the ground. Oh yeah, and some guy named Curtis was there who claimed to be the HHU webmeister and produce something called "THE SPOOKY MOVIE" (???). 

It was a lost-family reunion of sorts for the entire three days, punctuated by two events-within-an-event on Saturday. The morning started with a round-table/q&a session featuring all the assembled hosts pondering and pontificating on what strange twists of fate brought us to seek the approval of strangers. 

Were the weekend not enough of a homecoming for hosts, this gathering gave us a chance to not only answer questions from moderator Dok Goulfinger and the moderate assemblage, but also to trace our common roots and do what we like to do best as hosts--hear ourselves talk. Not to wax too maudlin, but and overwhelming sense of brotherhood is always present when I meet my fellow hosts, and this forum played out to be as entertaining--if not more -- to those onstage as to those in the audience. 

Those on the panel listened intently to the backgrounds and thoughts of the others, partially because it was echoing in some way our own stories, and partially becuase we are all ALWAYS looking for an opening to throw in an observation or quip. 

Though the attendees to the convergence at the relatively early hour of 10:30 am was small in comparisson to the room, those who rose for the occassion were the true die-hard fans who were full of enthusiasm and great questions--not to mention they all swarmed our tables to throw a few dead president pics our way directly following the talk. Bonus ! Most heard comments, as always, were, " It's so COOL that you all are still doing this !", and, "Do you remember THIS host that I grew up with...?"

Very heartening as well as vindicating in some small way our bizarre behavior ! The dealer room was bustling Saturday afternoon, and before we knew it the much anticipated -- by the participants anyway -- horror host jam session was upon us. Since most of us dwell in different parts of the Country, we had no chance for so much as a cursory run-through of the songs we were going to play. 

No matter. 

Out of tune and confused as we all were come showtime, the audience nonetheless got a hoot out of the unpolished hootenanny-in-the-rough. 

Onstage were The Bonejangler on guitar and theriman, I. Zombi and that Ghastlee fella on guitar and lead vocals, Louu the XXXmas Devil and the Masked Drummer on percussion, Dr. Freak on the fiddle, Suspira on keyboards, and (Is this bad taste or what ?) the infamous man with the funny moustache playing the "juice harp". Baron Von Wolfstein, Dr. Shock, Dr. Mor B.S., and the Enchantress Nocturna joined in as background vocalists & cheerleaders as we plowed through "Werewolves of London", "Rock & Roll All Nite" and other audienc! e participation numbers, passing out prizes to the best yowlers in the audience. 

The big hit of the evening though was director H.G. LEWIS's semi-surpise walk-on to sing the theme song to his film 2,000 Maniacs. After his opening comment that the host band, dubbed the "Grateful Undead " by Baron Von W, wasn't a hard act to follow, he roused the crowd to raise the voices to the rafters on the song's rebel-yell chorus. The room resounded with hearty "Heeeee-haaah"'s, as Herschell laid down his tune as if he'd performed it 2,000 times--and the group rebel-yell was heard echoing from the bar and rattling the chandeliers far into the early morning hours. 

Mr. Lewis was such a gracious and funny man, and what a moment in history to be a part of -- even if I did drop my guitar on my foot at the end of the number. Oh well, at least it didn't land on Herschell's foot ! If you take time to blink at Wasteland you may miss something.

 Those jokesters from BRAIN'S ON FILM www.brainsonfilm.com threw a "Drive-in Smoker" double feature party on Friday night, hosting the films Blood Feast and Sugar Hill and passing out cigars and bloody-marys to all who dared enter. Dr. Shock was hosting his Tales of Terror in the movie room, and Mr. Lewis, director Ted V. Mikels ("Mark of the Astro-Zombies"), Evil Dead 1&2 make-up/animation wizard Tom Sullivan and many of the other guests were giving talks and running commentary over their films.

 Tom Sullivan was nice enough to open up his room after-hours for interviews with the hosts, and you can look for that as well as a lot of other cool stuff from Wasteland to be popping up on the HHU affiliate nearest you! 

This was a wall-to-wall weekend of non-stop activities. Too, in fact, much to sum up in the ridiculous amount of space I've already taken up. Suffice to say, if you make it to only one genre show next year -- or even in your lifetime--you owe it to yourself to make that show Cinema Wasteland, the friendliest show on Earth! 

Ok, so next time I'll write about the accursed television. 

'Til then, stay loose, and hang tight 'til Wasteland 2003 ! 

Your ol' pal,

Ghastlee