"MONSTERBURGH 2003"

Greetings and fornications, my fellow Morlocks! Well, it has been a week since the Monsterburgh USA www.monsterburgh.com show in Pittsburgh. Your’s Ghastlee is still basking in the afterglow ( and recovering nicely, thank you!), so no tube review on The Gallows this time around.

Monsterburgh USA was my favorite kind of convention; a friendly little show. It was a festive freakfest for the lucky lot of us who were there, though it was unfortunately way under- attended. (Where were YOU???) The sparse turnout could have been due to the double- whammy of Ozzypalooza (or something) being in town the same weekend, and the Monster Bash convention being only a month before-- but a hotel that seemed to go out of it's way to undermine our congenial hosts Brian and Lisa’s maiden effort definitely didn’t help things. I even heard that someone at the front desk was giving people the “doe in the headlights” look when they asked where the convention was. A real shame, since it is a perfect venue for a show.

A good convention though, is all in the goodwill of the promoters and the goodhearted people they bring together. Despite some rough turns of the cards, Brian and Lisa made it all work, and the fun and camaraderie that I’ve found only in the horror community once again proved themselves self-evident.

Suspira, Jeff McClellan: American, Baron von Wolfstein, Joe Nosferatu and I had a great time mingling with all our fellow guests and dealer room neighbors. To one side of our dealer room dwelling was Kevin Clement from New Jersey’s Chiller Theatre convention and classic horror mag. The Creepy Classics Video folks, along with their beautiful and creative daughter, Paisly, were located directly behind us, while a pair of vamps who own a store dead-icated to the “Dark Arts” were on appropriately on our left. Then of course there was Jim, the heavily-armed former cop who was across the aisle selling swords & such. His assortment of cutlery didn’t scare me, but some of his law-enforcement “war stories” sure as hell did!

Kyra Schon, the “trowel girl” from Night of the Living Dead was down the way from us, and was very cool and laid-back. We are all really looking forward to seeing her again at Horrorfind and Cinema Wasteland. She even said she would throw body parts in lieu of rice (or maggots) at Suspira and I’s wedding!

Butch Patrick and Ivonna Cadaver of Macabre Theatre were great too, and very supportive of the Horror Host Underground-- which they had already been exposed to on the net, and in the personage of Doc Zombie. (THANKS DOC! THAT’S THE SPIRIT!)

We talked to Gunnar “Leatherface” Hanson for a bit, and he told us on camera about the trials of making Texas Chainsaw, and his newest projects as well. Nice fella, and we'll be looking forward to seeing him again too at the Cinema Wasteland Spring Show in April, where a big Texas Chainsaw Massacre reunion is planned.

Also had the great pleasure of finally meeting and interviewing George "E-Gor" Chastain, creator of the Grand-daddy of all horror host reference sites, E-GOR’S CHAMBER OF HORROR HOSTS. He asked us all to autograph the tapes we had heaped on him, and even record our names in his autograph book-- a copy of Elena Watson's guide to hosts-- alongside the legendary Zacherly, and the space where he is hoping Vampira's signature will hopefully go. I was really humbled and honored. Mr. Chastain is truly a kind and gentle soul.

As for our part in the show, it started off kinda like Neil Simon’s “The Out Of Towners”. We got lost getting there ( 4 hours to get to Pittsburgh, another 3 to find the hotel amidst all the detours), and arrived after the dealer room had opened for business. We were already completely beat ( I had stayed up 'til 3am dubbing tapes to hawk the night before), and when we got there found out that our Movie Room hosting duties were at 9pm. We freaked out for a minute, the last of the blood draining from our faces, but took turns resting and “gooping up”, and it was on with the show...

There were probably 20 or 25 people in the room, and a few more drifted in and out during the show. Apparently Ivonna snuck into the room for a bit, and Jeff said she was having a good laugh. I ran some trailers, then we did a short intro to the evening-- my usual little dog-and-pony show-- telling a joke, then telling people who we are and what we do, and plugging the HHU. Joe Nosferatu, Jeff, and the lovely Suspira joined me onstage to sing "Werewolves of London" and my twisted version of The Sesame Street Theme while bribing the audience with chocolate to howl along.Then we ran the uncut version of my bastardization of The Manster, which I always love watching with a live audience. They laughed in most of the right places, even though everyone was tired, and the movie got a genuine standing-o at the end. Everyone had fun, and the next day a lot of them bought stuff at the table.

On Saturday The Cleaver's, of Cincinnati’s “MEET CLEAVER THEATRE” www.spookylibrarians.com , met us in the lobby as we made our way to the dealer room. Man, Brian (aka Butch R. Cleaver) and Jeanne are such great folks-- and their little dog Patches too. Jeanne is the puppy-teer who brings Patches to life (or back to life?), and the character is somehow whimsical and grim at the same time. She also plays Mail Lady Lydia on Meet Cleaver Theater, as well as providing the voice for the disembodied head of Joan E. Cleaver, and in “real” life is the future Mrs. Brian Easterling (Congrats again, guys!).

Butch R. Cleaver? Yeah, he was there too....

HAH! No, seriously, Brian and I have a blast when we are together. After a long day, we all got together in the obligatory zoo-room and shot some VERY silly stuff for their show (A minute or two might even be airable in Cinci!

Man I am a long-winded potty-mouth sometimes!). Whether or not it is usable, we sure had fun acting-a-fool! The Cleaver's were fully immersed in the Ghastlee Movie Show "just wing it” method of shooting, and came to life like old pros. ( Hey Brian, if you can't run that stuff, I CAN! Hoo-ha-haa!)

Sunday (I'll get back to Saturday), Joe Nosferatu was back, and Butch & Patches did some classic 99% improv segments for the movie with him. With only sketchy direction from the humble director, they, Suspira and Joe created some very funny moments. I don't want to spoil the effect of the finished product, so no more on that for now.

Baron von Wolfstein? He was there all day on Saturday in full regalia, while Joe Nosferatu was no where to be seen.. I'm beginning to suspect that they may be the same person! The Baron and Joe are both masters of working the room, winning friends, and shilling our wares. While rarely behind the table, they would both usher folks back to us every few minutes. They have snake-oil in their blood, I'm tellin' ya-- along with a lot of natural charisma.

On Saturday afternoon, The Baron, Suspira, Paisly and I did a little impromptu, acoustic jam-session at our table, which got an unexpected round of applause from the whole room. It was a pleasant surprise, because I REALLY thought that just the few people directly near us could hear!

Lot's of comments from local folks saying that they need a horror host in the Pittsburgh area. Lot's of HHU cards and info passed to them, and I talked to a couple of young guys who seemed genuinely interested in sponsoring hosts on their local access station. If nothing else, a couple hundred people who had never heard of the HHU now have!

We spread the disease, and we moved on...

When all was said and done, it was a memorable blur of a weekend, and given the right visitor support, Monsterburgh USA could grow into a friendly Frankenstein... Or is that Albertstein? Either way, I'd definitely go back in a heartbeat.

A heartbeat...? Ok, so you aren’t impressed with the 28 DAYS reference.

Better go watch some tv and do some research for next week’s rant before Gore notices I’ve escaped again. ‘Til next time, go check out a horror convention. As Robert “Maniac Cop” Z’Dar says, “You owe it to yourself!”.

Your ol’ pal,

Ghastlee