Who else is looking forward to the new "Star Wars" movie, "Send In The Clones?" As a child of the 1970s, a card-carrying member of The George Lucas Generation, I have to admit that I am getting more than a little geeked-up for May 16th. This, even after I felt betrayed by the blandness of the last movie, when I told myself that I wouldn't be fooled again and fall for the hype.

(Or maybe that was The Who that told me not to get fooled again?)

Anyway, it wasn't that "Phantom Creeps" was really a bad movie; it was just disappointing, after having waited 15 years. And compared to "The Matrix" that had come out that year, or recently "Lord of the Rings," you have to wonder if it's possible to capture lightening in a bottle twice.

It didn't have to be that way. All that was needed was a couple of small things here and there, and "Episode 1" could have been really good:

• Someone Who Could Tell Lucas "No"--George is like a lot of these rich guys in entertainment, who made a fortune a million years ago ("A long time ago...") and eventually becomes cut off from the real world. This use to be The Elvis Syndrome, but these days it might as well be The Michael Jackson Syndrome, or the Marlon Brando Disease, or The Madonna Complex, or maybe even the Elizabeth Taylor Rash.

Is it just me, or are there too many rich and famous people who aren't me in the world?

These nit-wits surround themselves with people who tell them how brilliant they are; how everything they say is clever and witty; and they keep away anything negative from their ears. Lucas spent too many years on the ranch, and it showed by some really clueless and bone-head decisions that were made during the production of "Episode 1" (some of which is displayed during a special "making of" film, which can been seen on the "Phantom Of The Menacing Opera" DVD).

Someone really needed to be there to scream at him that he shouldn't change "The Force" into some sort of parasite that Jedi's could monitor as easily as checking their blood sugar!  Come on! Did he not learn anything when he reimagined that Greedo shot first?

We all need someone who can kick us in the butt every once and awhile and tell us to stop being silly. I know I do on an almost daily basis.

• A Director That Can Direct Children--Lucas was never known for his people skills, even back in the day (o the set of the original "Star Wars," Carrie Fisher had t-shirts made up that said "Meat" because that was how she felt Lucas treated his human actors). His lack of passion for human characters really showed in the performance of the child who played Anakin.

The kid wasn't a bad actor, he was just a kid actor, and kid actors need really good directors to work with them, not someone who is going to plop them in front of a blue screen and then spend most of the time worrying about what cool things are going to happen in the animation studio on that blue screen.

This isn't "Roger Rabbit!" 

• Someone Who Can Write Dialogue--Lucas is good at writing the stories, and scenarios, and coming up with the pretty pictures and such, but when it comes to writing actual words that people are going to speak, it's like ice-picks being jammed into the ears. Only "Titanic" and "Cliffhanger" come to mind as big movies with worse screenplay dialogue.

Speaking of her, which I did briefly above, I bet Carrie Fisher could have done a great job punching it up! (A lot better than the guy who wrote "The Scorpion King!")

• Jar-Jar Becomes Mute--Ok, maybe not exactly...

All the racist stuff aside, what really ruined it for Jar-Jar was that we could understand him. If he had been another of these whacked-out aliens that everyone else understood but the viewer, then it could have been fun...maybe. 

Hell, it worked for "Chewie."

We'll never know for sure now. All we can hope is that "Senator Jar-Jar" has less and less screen time with the next two movies. Maybe Jabba The Hut's wife can eat him or something.

• Don't Remake "Episode 4"--That's all "Phantom Menace II Society" was was a remake of something that was done pretty much on a whim 25 years earlier, and it's bothered Lucas ever since because he "knew" he could do it better, if only he had another billion dollars, worse actors and less fun. 

Back then, it was fresh, and freewheeling, because no one knew what would happen. We didn't mind that not every single little frame was 100% perfect, because the joy that went into the film came through and that was contagious. 

It still is, actually. 

Back then, Lucas didn't have in mind that this would be a 30+ years odyssey that would make him zillions. He just had a whiz-bang story to tell, and some clever ideas of how to tell it.  The action figures, Christmas Specials, the nose jobs, the Boba Fetts, the websites and even calling it "Episode Four" would come later. 

By contrast, 25+ years later he knows what the end product is going to be, and it's not a good movie that will stand the test of time and inspire millions of little geeky brats. 

We are already going to see the blasted movies! You have us! Would it kill you to make a GREAT MOVIE?!

Unfortunatly, like many Hollywood movies, the end product is not the movie itself,  but rather a snazzy "coming soon" trailer (or maybe  THREE "coming soon" trailers, all of which can be downloaded from the official website!) that will get them to see a movie that will (in turn) get them to buy his crap.

• Have Some Friggin Balls--Fans of the series, for the most part, agree that "Empire Strikes Back" was the best of the lot. There are a lot of reasons (better director, better script, better hair, etc), but two things that shouldn't be overlooked are that (a) the actors were really into their roles in that movie (as opposed to "Jedi" when they all simply phoned their performances in, after they got their phat paydays) and (b) the movie had some serious nads. 

"Episode 1" was so careful in developing the brand new fan base of children that would grow up with the series, that the whole thing became overly precious, and ultimately boring. 

But...you know what...who can blame them for targeting the knee-biters?  Why should they be any different?

Where "Star Wars" is concerned, they don't have to worry about "us." We can be taken for granted; we, of the Lucas Generation, were already a given. Ever sense "Jaws" hit the screen in the 1970s and we began expecting big-ass Hollywood Roller coasters every summer, we have been conditioned to actually enjoy buying the hype. 

"Thank you sir...may I have another...!"

If "Ep. 2" is worse than "Ep. 1" we'll still be there in line for "Ep. 3." It's a sickness, people!!! Look no further than that 4th BATMAN to see that we get what we deserve!

The new generation is the one to worry about with "Star Wars." Looking back, it was almost required that that first one be a bloodless/soulless/wussy urchin film. If the brats weren't hooked, then the success of the rest would have to rest completely on the shoulders of us geeks...is that a risk anyone is willing to make?

Hell no.

Sure, the last 20 minutes kicked ass, but come on...look at the whole movie...all 133 minutes of it. How many more costumes do we need to see Queen Armadillo change into every ten seconds? How many more little boy faces can Anakin make? How much CGI will it take to completely wipe out all human contact from the motion picture? 

I think that is what everyone is waiting for from this series; some magical point when the balls drop, and this trilogy's voice changes.  Maybe it really was when Darth Maul got sliced in two during those final 20 kick ass minutes of "The Phantom Mame Dennis," or maybe it will happen during "Shakes The Clone." 

If it doesn't happen then, will it even matter if it does in "Episode 3?"

(Prediction based on nothing more than my own warped logic: at some point, in Episode 2 and/or 3, there will be some major mind-f's with Clones. I wouldn't be surprised if we see Darth Maul return, as a Clone, nor would I be shocked if Obi Wan gets killed, and it's his Clone who we see with Luke later in Episode 4! If they really want to screw the minds up of the fans, kill off Anakin, and have it be his clone that crosses over to the dark side!)

The one/two punch of "Harry Potter" and "Lord of the Rings" this past Holiday season (and the threat of it being repeated for two more years)  raised the bar considerably for Lucas and company. I know more people who are looking forward to the second and third in the new non-Wagner "Rings" cycle, than the second and third of the "Star Wars" epic, and lord help us all when Rowling decides to publish that fifth Harry Potter book this fall...! 

Great Caesar's Ghost!!

Lucas' window of opportunity is very small; he needs to strike back now. After this summer, the planet will be plunged back into the world of wizards and hobbits and British actors that are slumming it for the next few years, and if he may easily be relegated into the "quaint" arena, along with "James Bond," Bill Murray and "Grease."

Can Lucas recapture those he disappointed? Does he even care, as long as he makes his money?

It's a given that "Killer Clones From Outerspace" will make a butt-load of money, and may end up being the biggest movie of 2002. This we know, and we accept. "Spider-Man" and "Austin Powers 3" and "Rings" and "Potter" will more than make enough, but we all kind of know deep down in our DNA that "Star Wars" is the mega-muthah and can't be touched this year.

Still, we also know that it doesn't have to be good to make a lot of money ("Godzilla" springs to mind). The real question(s) will be then be left with the fans; is this the movie that makes the series, or breaks it? Was "Empire" a fluke? Is there any way to recapture that magic ever again? Will "Episode Three" be the final new hope?

"Episode Three...you are our only hope..."

I know everyone was waiting on the edge of their seats wondering what the official stance of The Horror Host Underground Website would be about this controversial, and yet so personal, of all topics out there. Well, now you know, and now you too can view responsibly.

And please note, for the record...this was not a review, but rather a preview....well, maybe it was a review, but not of a new movie...!

(Phew...backed out of that one)

Now, go get in line!

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