"BETTER LIVING THROUGH E-MAIL (AKA: THE SECOND RANT"

On March 3-4, 2003, Baron von Wolfstein opted to offer this series of E-postings, convolutively evolved with friends from Count Gore's Website, for posting on the Horrorhost Website, and, from thence, to The HHU Rant colloquiem. 

These postings clearly indicate just how much the Inventive Process, in general, and, Comedy, in particular, relies upon Inspiration from several Sources... an exercise of "History" in the Hopefully Hysterical Makings! ;^} 

Since the Hard-Core underpinnings of this group is to Unite, and Branch-out to a Larger Market, Our Good Fellowship is an Ideal, Necessity, and, Inter-active Tool of PRIME IMPORTANCE, reminiscent of BEN FRANKLIN'S sage advice to Colonial AMERICA: "We'd better all hang together, or, else, we'll all hang, separately." 

I welcome any and all comments. Sir Curtis, feel free to do any judicious cutting for the sake of a more stream-lined format, if space considerations are problematic. 

Mon, 3 Mar 2003, Baron von Wolfstein wove his response into APRIL CRABTREE'S reply to Bobbie:  Epitaph, or, epithet; similar, but, neither matching, nor, interchangeable. 

The E-Pitome of The E-Pendulum! 
All is well (that oil wells...although a number of things that Orson Welles did also ended well.)   You can put the tweezer(-dees and tweezer-dums) and sponge(-bob-square-pant)s away for another day :-) Thank you for the concern. Odd fact of the day...todays date is 03/03/03 and there are 303 days left in the year.  April  

bobandan on Sun, 3/02/2003 wrote: 
OT: kind of April! I'm so pleased you won't be needing the epithet!

 ***Here Baron von Wolfstein interjects some insights: Bobbie, the proper word, which I know you meant to use, is EPITAPH, i.e., to memorialize a fallen, beloved comrade. While an EPITHET (dire curse), on the other hand, can be calumnously, or, facetiously, heaped upon either the living or the dead, it's inconceivable that you'd want to impose such a dastardly thing on as true a friend as is our APRIL! I read your epitaph 'in waiting' for April; nary a trace of epithet was lodged within its snug borders. Charming and comforting. I was also honoured to read April's kind wish that Prof. Anton and/or myself should spout poetic cadances upon her untimely demise, commemorating what an unblemished, valiant and noble Life she led. 

Why wait, I always say! "No Time Like The PRESENT", and, All That! APRIL, You Are Wonderful, and, You Brighten Our Day! Should that sad day spoil our lives, I'm certain that both Prof. Griffin and I shall be morosely happy to comply with your wishes by eulogizing your departure if such a catastrophic event occurs. 

But, to ensure that day be post-poned for as long as possible, we'll both be fervently praying to over-ride that 'appointed time' theory, forestalling it, for, at the very least, another Millenium or three! ;^} We'd get awfully lonely without you.*** 

I worried all day yesterday that we'd be picking your remains up with tweezers and sponges. 

(*** Here the Baron, once more picks up his narrative: Bobbie, when I read your above statement, I laughed aloud, because it jogged a very humourous image totally 'out-of-sync' that was scripted in Christopher Lee's DRACULA, PRINCE OF DARKNESS. I saw that film upon its initial release. 

During the scene where his ashes are bathed with some poor wretch's blood, in order to 're-constitute' the Vampire King, in as revoltingly graphic scene as possible, the Terror-Shock Value was rendered nil, because it struck me that this plot device was entirely ludicrous and untenable. 

At the end of the previous DRACULA Film with Christopher Lee, DRACULA is destroyed, reduced to dust and ashes, by the light of day. His ashes were even blown away by the fresh morning breeze. No mention of this Manservant, who didn't exist in the first film, but, suddenly shows up in the PRINCE OF DARKNESS, years later, with his coffer of DRACULA'S ASHES! 

You wanna talk about EPITHETS! Ten years of combing both castle and countryside for any ashes remotely resembling his 'Master'!!! I'll bet you that he had numerous occasions when the prodigious impossibility of his task dawned upon him; where the daunting frustrations that beset him must have literally squeezed a few 'choice words' of an unkind nature out of his vocal cords. 

And, how did our erstwhile 'friend' come by such bizarre employment?! 

One logical probability is this: (Oh, and, this surmisal is not so terribly strange, really, I'm sure that it happens all the time... or, at least, more than one could guess.) Maybe... just MAYBE, some ashes of DRACULA swirled by him, psychically convincing him to perform this unique service, and, that if he were to do so, he would be well compensated for it at some future juncture. 

Makes perfect sense to me, ranking of equal merit to this DEED I recently purchased, which shows I am the rightful owner of the Brooklyn Bridge! Baron "Telegraph the epitaph, and, never fret the epithet" von Wolfstein PS, Happy 'Belated Bobbie's Birthday Hubbie', who, if he were a TV Host could be called a TELE-HUBBIE!

Prof. Anton Griffin Tue, 04 Mar 2003 
Klove and a thankless job! Greetings Night Creatures I just read the magnificant Baron Von Wolfstein's rather hilarious account of Dracula's servant (Klove by name) walking around the castle and countryside with a whisk broom and a dustpan, gathering the Prince of Darkness together....

oh boy, did I enjoy a good cackle. But what of poor Klove? How is he repaid? He is thanked by a bullet from Father Sandor in DRACULA, PRINCE OF DARKNESS, and, in SCARS OF DRACULA, he returns (looking like DR. WHO, circa Patrick Troughton after one too many regenerations) only to be terribly mistreated by his master 'The Count'.  

(Think red-hot sword to the back!  OUCH!) 

Oh well, perhaps Dracula has full medical insurance coverage for his employees.  At least I HOPE he did in SATANIC RITES OF DRACULA!  All those fur-vest wearing motorcycle satanists probably cost D.D. Denham a fortune in liability. Rest in Peace Prof. Griffin --- I really Kloved your reply; thankless you very much for such a fine job!

(BvW; 03/04/AD 2003) 
My Dear Professor, Anton, Simply quite Charming, as per Usual! I always love it whence some small perceptive tidbit of mine can call forth a response as delightfully informative and vividly imaginative as your above offering. 

Why, just having the K-NOWLEDGE of The Manservant's name, K-LOVE, offers a myriad of new jesting potentials... from radio call letters to bad-boy rapper name, K-LOVE could inspire a slew of postings on new script ideas. Even Non-Hypenated, KLOVE could pass as a Secret Agent "The name is Klove; James Klove, Agent 0071." 

Or, Comedy Whiz-Kid, KENNY KLOVE, Starring in That New LAFF-RIOT, "TAKE THIS KLOVE AND SHOVE IT." Or, as a Bastion of Patriotic Sentiments: "AMERICA, KLOVE IT, OR, KLEAVE IT!" (To BEAVER?) Or, KLOVE, the Latest Addition to the Roster of THE SPICE GIRLS (And GUYS, equality of the sexes and cross-over marketing, being the promotional purpose at stake here.) Professor, you always endow your astute film knowledge with such breathe-able life by your deeply personal heartfelt warmth and wit, couched in subtly superb imagery. 

That is why your show ranks among the most qualified, professional offerings from any time or place within THE HORROR HOSTING Pantheon! Especially with the addition of that STUNNING COMBINATION of BEAUTY and BRAINS, whom You have 'unleashed' upon the unsuspecting world in the form of USHER! 

I am sure that CHRISTOPHER LEE would be unable to resist Her Charms, in just the same way as she is so smitten by him. Too, superbly aided and abbetted (& COSTELLO-ed) by that STUNNED HUNK of MADNESS INCARNATE (or, is that, INCARCERATED?), who channels all three of the 3 Stooges simultaneously, all the while exuding a 'tude of demented purpose equivalent to that nice leading man with the power tool from the TEXAS CHAIN-SAW MASSACRE...why, to whom should I be referring, but, to your droll side-kick, DAN-DAN! 

Who could've predicted such a Treat of a Show?! Oh, yes, I agree, CRISWELL'S Brain, mayhaps. Oh, speaking of that particular 'Brainiac', here are several script ideas: 1A) "This is CRISWELL'S BRAIN; This is CRISWELL'S BRAIN ON DRUGS", (shown sitting astride a skilletful of scrambled eggs, gobbling them down: As he belches profusely, (or, not) we hear his voice say: "First decent meal I've had since I've been here! Can I get this Super-sized to include Fries and a Drink?" 

"Sure," DAN-DAN, in WAITER disguise, interjects, "just don't let it go to your head." 

He write down the order, then, places it on a spindle for the COOKS (you, PROFESSOR, and, USHER) to whomp up. (Possible MACDONALDS Sponsorship here?) 

Then, There's endless comedic variations on a theme: Plan 1B: Where the same scenario unfold,' This is CRISWELL'S BRAIN ON DRUGS", (shown sitting astride a skilletful of scrambled eggs' to be abruptly ended with CRISWELL'S Quip: "Is it HOT in Here, or, is it just ME?" 2) This is CRISWELL'S BRAIN ON ACID, (WOW!!! Like TOTALLY Psycho-delic-catessan! 

FAR OUT! 

Look at the tie-dyed background effects, reminds me of sumpthin', but, I don't quite remember what.) Followed by: 3) This is CRISWELL'S BRAIN ON VIAGRA (oh, the latent, latex possibilities inherent in that scenario *smirk, smirk*...positively (Mind) EXPANSIVE; Hmmm THE ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT BRAIN...but, such blatant sexual innuendo might garner you an X-Rating...but, win you the Sponsorship of TROJAN RUBBERS, in the process! *nod,nod, wink, wink*) Cleaner than that, and, more whimsically Romantic (plus it might pull in another CORPORATE SPONSOR for your show): 4) THIS IS CRISWELL'S BRAIN, (accidentally) 

Maced with AXE DEODORANT... Poor USHER, suddenly, breathlessly, surrendering to Her Primal Urge's irresistable force, to choose Brain (and nothing else) over Braun. That is, until DAN-DAN wises up, and, gets ahold of The AXE Spraycan. Total hilarity ensues when PROFESSOR GRIFFIN gets accidentally sprayed while trying to save USHER from the ardent advances of DAN-DAN and CRISWELL, who both fancy themselves capable of pleasing her. Comedic Tension builds as they keep spraying, can after can, of AXE Deodorant upon their persons, in order to enhance their chances of wooing the now-sexually distraught and confused USHER successfully. 

Of course, this series of episodes can resolve themselves into a JERRY SPRINGER Moral Closing Moment, with a "Be yourself, and, you will be worthy of Love..." bit of Wisdom, delivered by the good PROFESSOR. 

Throw in the Sponsorhip Plot-Teaser about that SHAMPOO That PROMISES a TOTALLY ORGANIC EXPERIENCE, and, your next Sponsor could well be PLAYBOY AFTER DARK! WHEW!! My Inspiration Inspires You, and, obviously, Your Sharings Inspire Mine; that's what FANG-MILY is all About! 

In Closing, please, consider this: If the shoe is on the other foot; wear it, If, on the other hand; shine it, (unless you're a MONSTER who has feet where your hands should be. In which case, WHO TIES YOUR SHOE-LACES?! Hmmmmmm?The LOGIC OF KLOVE, RE-VISITED!) 

If the shoe fits; wear it, If the shoe has fits of epithets; swear back at it, or, wash your feet, as that is most likely the cause of your shoe's filthy habit of swearing in the first place. 

Before commencing that, or, any strenuous activity, first have your shoes evaluated by a Qualified Physician (like one of the fine Doctors on this Horrorhost List) who are capable of ruling out TURRET'S SYNDROME in your verbally-abusive footwear. And, should your shoes still persist in swearing; remember, YOU are a MONSTER, after all, so then, the remedy is really quite simple...CUT OUT THEIR TONGUES!!! 

Baron "I can't believe I said all that; thank you, Doctor, I feel much better now!" von Wolfstein

I offer this addition to what I've already sent you today, because it carries on the madcap nature of our Brotherly Banter, wherein new ideas are discovered, or, 'Hatched'. Let me know if you can use/attach it to the previous exchanges between Prof. Griffin and myself. I'll be sending more photos directly. Let me know if they get through, too. 

Yours in MONSTERDOM, Baron Timotheus, B.G.G.

Prof. Anton Griffin Tue, 04 Mar 2003
KLOVE and The AXE effect Greetings. Baron, once again a delightful post. KLOVE as the call letters to a radio station?  heheheh, I hear it now... K-LOVE: all Drac, all the time...

Now here's dedication from our presto requesto line, from James Bernard!! Thanks for your suggestions on the usage of Criswell. Between you and I and the rest of cyberspace, the Criswell segments are (how shall I say it) a little dull. I mean, there's only so many ways to film a talking brain in a jar (even if it does glow when it talks!) 

Now, thanks to your many bursts of brilliance, I think I have a way to get Criswell involved in more ways. As for the AXE effect...I love the idea!! Just what Dan-Dan needs, more consumer products to rant over!   

Using the AXE effect on Usher would be amusing... but, Usher might give US the (headsman's) AXE effect when she snaps out of it. She'll take a little off the top...

OUR top, not hers. Usher's top (unfortunately) stays on....most of the time. Thanks Baron. 

As always, it's an honor and a real treat to hear from you. 

Rest in peace 

Prof. Griffin 

Tue, 4 Mar 2003 Timothy Herron, BGG
Dear Professor and Brother, Anton Joseph, 

The sad, and, boring plight of CRISWELL'S briney brain-dwelling, hath presumptuously brought forth yet another proposterous, yet, positively and posthumously 'Ghoulish' HORROR HOST related avenue to explore and mine.... 

CRISWELL, THE INCREDIBLE: Starring As THE BRAIN OF A THOUSAND FACES! Simply slap on photos of Various MONSTERS, both FAMOUS and Unknown, on the front of his jar. You could even be the one to HYPNOTIZE Him, and, whilst under your thrall, have him impersonate that Monster whose photo graces his jar, per episode. 

Just make sure to keep keep a tight rein on USHER, should you use a picture of CHRISTOPHER LEE (hint, hint!) At the risk of sounding imbecilic, this avenue constitutes a 'real no-brainer'. LOL! This Cyber-sharing is what we're all about! I'm grateful for the opportunity to plug-in to your creative magic from so far away. Thanks for your enjoyment of my humble proposals. 

EXANIMO EVERNOW, BARON TIMOTHEUS Von WOLFSTEIN & FRIENDS, B.G.G. POSTS-CRYPT Just don't mistakenly get the AXE Effect mixed-up with that new spray product from EX-LAX. I've discovered from personal experience that the labels are too similar upon casual glance, while their results are diametrically opposed... EFFECTIVE, Butt, it's a TOTALLY Different EFFECT! 

How do you SMELL, er, uh, I mean, SPELL, RELIEF?!