"BARON Von WOLFSTEIN'S HHU GrrrRANT #6 Part 1"

" HI-HO, CHAPPIES And MONSTER-LOVERS, 

After re-reading My FRIGHTVISION RANT, I've decided to pry this RANT away from the Realm of the PAST'S Vapourous Abstract as well. Of Course, that presents a Challenge... we'll see just how far I can pull My Thoughts away from the Centrifugal Force exerted by the Atmospheric Influence of Abstraction's GRAVITY! 

Conceptualizing, or, explaining Ideas is an Entire UNIVERSE Unto Itself. I've noted that IDEAS Are Like RABBITS, or, Worse, Like TROUBLESOME TRIBBLES; for, IDEAS, left to ferment in their own juices, tend to MULTIPLY, BIG TIME!! 

Once The Spinning Wheel of COGITATION is set in motion, It tends to establish Its own course, often by plowing through the densely macabre Underbrush on that seemingly ambiguous terrain of Memory, where most Mortals fear to tread. 

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However, in an attempt to momentarily re-direct My energy expension away from excavating the anciently petrified, sedimentary sludge of clinically embalmed, and, fossilized Facts, I seek to impart 'Present Day' Relevance to these Proceedings. Favouring a 'Change of Venue' into the PRESENT, and, mayhaps, even into The FUTURE, I'll try to deal concretely with CURRENT EVENTS, which, I trust, you'll find just as enjoyable as My Usual Exhibitions of Historical Nuggets. 

Whilst an occasional jaunt around the olde Museum of HORROR HOSTING Memorabilia can be stimulating, LIFE IS FOR LIVING, After all! NOW is what We're Truly 'all about'. It Is HERE, Authentically LIVING In The PRESENT, that We Pay our True Debt To HONOUR, and, DOCUMENT, The PAST. 

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So, Where should Our JOURNEY INTO THE FUTURE Begin, but, by Squarely Going BACK TO THE... PAST?! (AHA! GOTHCHA! And, You thought that I was going for the Cheap Shot of a Blatant "BACK TO THE FUTURE" steal, er, uh, I mean, Reference... No, We begin in The PAST, For Purely Expository Reasons, I assure You!) 

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PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN was once quoted as saying: "I'm not so much interested in Who My Grandfather was, as (I am in) Who His Grandson WILL BE." 

'Twas also MR. LINCOLN, who, after interviewing one gentleman for the position of Cabinet Member, remarked to His Personal Secretary: "I don't like that man's face." 

Somewhat aghast by the frankness of that remark, he replied: "Mr. PRESIDENT, that man can't help what he looks like." To which HONEST ABE sagely remarked: "After the age of Forty, every man is responsible for his own face." 

This Insight By ABRAHAM LINCOLN dove-tails into a Near-Identical Lyric Line from My Favourite American Recording Artists of the 1960's, THE LOVIN'SPOONFUL. One of the many fine songs, which Graced Their Album, EVERYTHING PLAYING, was entitled: ONLY PRETTY, WHAT A PITY. It carried a deftly indicting Pearl of Wisdom: "Everyone, except the Baby, answers for the Face They wear..." 

ONLY LOVE can Alter, or, Wash Away Entirely, the deliberate deformations that We indelibly carve into Our IMMORTAL FACES, and, The FACES Of Those With Whom We Interact. We HORROR HOSTS Are Notorious SHAPE-SHIFTERS! Indeed, We are merely an accelerated version of what most Folks go through, merely by being Alive. The Order of LIFE, to a great degree, is one of SHAPE-SHIFTING! 

By the Time you leave This Physical Dimension, You won't recognize Yourself, from Who You thought You started Out as... And, My Prayer for You, is that It's an IMPROVEMENT, and, A BLESSING EVERNOW! 

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MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HORROR HOST IDENTITY... 

In The Schizoid Dichotomy of Our Strange Duality as Both Private 'Normal' Citizens, and, Our PUBLIC 'Abbie-Normal' PERSONNAS, We often do the JEKYLL and HYDE Over-lap, unannounced. THE MONSTERS Crystalize 'THE WORST CASE SCENARIO' of Man's Inhumanity to Man, and, serves as a cautionary tale to explain the MONSTER, those truly evil impulses, which lurks within each one of Us. 

As HORROR HOSTS We pay Tribute to the Genre with Our factual Knowledge, Heart-Felt LOVE, and, with a heapin' Side Order of Our Humourous "Cream-Pie-In-Yo'-FACE!" Irreverence... when Necessary! 

We HORROR HOSTS strive to infect the so-called 'Modern' Culture around Us with the Lighter Side of Our MONSTER-OUS LOVE of All "THINGS THAT GO 'BUMP' IN (THE MUSIC OF) THE NIGHT." 

(Or, 'BOOM SHAKA-LACKA, BOOM SHAKA-LACKA!' for those amongst Ye with trendier Tastes in Rhythm.) 

Also, Our Faces Are Our Fortune... If, ABE were alive, and, President, TODAY, We might not be so Fortunate, either. I strongly Doubt that He would Employ Our FACES to any top Posts in His Administration. So, To Valiantly 'Put The Best Face On It' let Us wisely put the Country's Welfare ahead of our own, and, avoid Politics altogether. 

Although, from what I hear, the Money that Politicians make is OBSCENELY BETTER than what most of Our HORROR HOSTING SALARIES Are! I mean, when I vote Myself a RAISE, Nothing Happens! 

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From the time I was a wee laddie, ABE LINCOLN Intuitively ranked very high upon My List of Favourite Persons. His Remarkable Spirit's Exuberant Glow is still contained in the photos that survive Him, a century and a half following His death. 

The fact that His Ghostly Apparition has also been seen quite often across that span of years, by many persons, attests to the Strength of His Soul, and, the Depth of His Great Heart's LOVE For the UNION He Helped to Guide, and, Save. His Presidency was forged in one of the bloodiest epochs of American History. 

Talk about HORROR... 

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But, It doesn't matter How one dies, or, even, When. All that Truly Matters is that One Learns to LIVE LOVE, for, THAT IS The Crowning Essence Of PERSON-Hood. We are each as Individual as Fingerprints, or, Snow-flakes, thusly, Our Story is uniquely Ours, yet, they share Common Denominators that intersect Our Lives, bringing together a motley, diverse Collection of Kindred Souls, even under the Guise of Competition, or... 

Opposition. 

As JEAN-PAUL SARTRE wrote: "We are all tarred with the same brush." It is within these (sometimes, 'Claustrophobic') Confines of Our Personal PETRI-DISH OF FINITE LIFE that We exercise Our Choice to LOVE, or, hate; to Grow, or, stagnate, to Praise, or, to belittle. (Someone once wrote: "To belittle is to be little." 

Oh, sure, the 'pot-shot/zinger' Attitude may be part of Our Expected Personnas, because Comedy plays a large Role in Who Our Characters BE, but, to engage in such shameful antics in REAL LIFE....Naw, Never!) ;^} 

Our Choices are predicated by Our Hearts, and, Hopefully, by Those Great Souls Who Inspire Them. "Where Your TREASURE LIVES, THERE Will Your Heart BE Also." The Subject of This RANT Is An Affirmation of That Process, And, Of The PERSONS Whose Influence, whether directly, or, indirectly, Is Significant to Our Lives. 

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'Twas the 14th of April, AD 2003, the 138th Anniversary of PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S Assassination. 

I mention this Fact, because, not only does APRIL CRABTREE,(One of the unassuming elite of HORRORHOSTS) share Her Birthdate with that Tragic Event, but, because, SHE WAS BORN ON THAT EXACT DATE IN AD 1865!! 

And, I HAVE FURTHER AND INCONTESTABLE PROOF THAT SHE STARTED LIFE AS SIAMESE TWINS...And, Each, whether Together, or, Separately, Are JOHN WILKES BOOTH Look-Alikes, but, in a MARSHMALLOW PEEPS Sort of Way!!! (Just JOKING, even the APRIL'S Birthdate is inaccurate; but, it did get Your attention, didn't it?!)

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Actually, I clearly remember sharing in a most relaxed and brotherly Conversation with GHASTLEE on that evening, in which I offered some reminiscences from My Life's Curious Oddessy. 

The Topic of this particular 'Diamond of Life' involved recounting personal episodes of how the Coarser 'Warp' of THE MONSTER Realm intertwined with MUSIC'S More Ethereal, and, Finely-Spun 'Woof', and, How those Two Disparate Elements cohesively Meshed, in the Weaving of My Finite Fabric into The EVERNOW Garment Of LIGHT. 

Having enjoyed GHASTLEE'S Sincere Brotherhood for a number of months now, I cherished the mutual ease of sharing these thoughts with Him. I've witnessed the same hunger to embrace those value structures within His own Life. He has Proven Himself, a Myriad of Times over, to Be the Very Soul of Humble, and, Spontaneous Generosity! 

We really 'connect', whether We're jamming Musically, or, Monster-ously, or, scariest of all, PUN-ningly!! "It's like We're Two Heads sharing the Same Brain Cell!" to quote His recent off-hand admission, and, I'd have to agree, entirely! 

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"Butt!" I hear You Exclaim (and, You might want to double-check Your Spelling, as there is only one 'T' in "But", unless You are making Rude Commentary)... as, in, "But, BARON, How can You PROVE that MUSIC And MONSTERS Intertwine?!") Quite Simple, really... MUSIC is one of the Seven Elements of SPECTACLE, and, CHARACTER Is Another! Despite the historical fact, that, "NIXON'S THE ONE", He was also a REAL CHARACTER; so, that qualifies Him both as ONE and ANOTHER! 

Talk about 'balancing' a Schizoid Dichotomy... He should have been a HORROR HOST! Hhmmm, He was SCARY, and, on TV... and, with a Moniker like "TRICKY DICK"...maybe, He was a HORROR HOST, and, We just didn't realize it! I Hear You Saying to Moi: "Enough wid da MONSTERS Already; Bring on da MUSIC!! (And, da Dancin' Goils, too, if you got 'em!)" 

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MUSIC entered The HORROR GENRE early in the 1930's, thanks to the Musician's Union, who realized that there was a Massive Vein of Gold-en Opportunity just waiting to be Mined. That, I realize upon sober Reflection, is not strictly true, for, the years prior to THE TALKIES were known as THE SILENT ERA. 

That Title, however, only referred to the lack of audible dialogue... those films were routinely accompanied by Musical augmentation, performed LIVE, by talented Organists around the World. All of LON CHANEY SR.'S Cinematic Marvels were accompanied by Individual Scores.... as Were NOSFERATU, Der GOLEM, etc... UNIVERSAL'S DRACULA, and, FRANKENSTEIN, fell between the cracks of that Grand Tradition's Finale, and, the Birth of the pre-recorded Film Sound-track. 

ENTER THE 1950's AND THE 1960's Novelty Records also bridged the gap, Popularizing Monsters via a Musical motif. Who can ever forget Bobby 'BORIS' Pickett's THE MONSTER MASH? 

THE PURPLE-PEOPLE EATER was another. 

Soon there was a whole Pop sub-genre of ghoulish goodies, extolling the frightful fun of making year-round HALLOWEEN Memories that were just a turn-table away! Mayhaps, it was not until the Advent of ALICE COOPER (and, currently, ROB ZOMBIE) with His penchant for melding MONSTERS And MUSIC into a Fascinating, Solidified Union. Not only were These Two Wedded in Thematic content, but, in His Live Action concerts as well, that Proved that MONSTERS And MUSIC Could NOW Showcase Their SIAMESE NATURE of "Being JOINED At the 'HIP'!." 

MONSTERS And MUSIC, seemed an unlikely match, Inspirations, that, by, and, large, are diametrically opposed, and, could be construed as having adversarial intent. "MUSIC HATH CHARMS TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE BEAST!" 

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I've elaborated upon the details of connectiveness of these two seemingly unrelated Topics, and, how each was responsible for shaping the formative scope of My Life's Vision. This Merger of 'Careers' (and, to my chagrin, I use that term quite loosely) stemmed from the intuitive rituals of personal celebration during my youth, to become professional aspirations of historical and Present note, which, THANKS to GHASTLEE and My HHU BRETHREN, continues as Influencial Choices of how I spend my life's allotment of time. We stand upon the Shoulders of giants. 

Others' talents identify and call forth our own. 

(TUNE IN NEXT TIME, CHAPPIES And MONSTER-LOVERS, For The THRILLING CONCLUSION Of This Demented RANT, Wherein BARON Von WOLFSTEIN Reveals How ROBIN GRAVES Traces His Paternity To CHAD STUART & JEREMY CLYDE!)