The Stapleton Way

"I am ready for the next patient, Julie." I said over the intercom. I'd finished my rare Florida Angus roast beef sandwich and washed it down with a 750ml bottle of Lorina Sparkling French Limonade that I pick up every day while walking to the office from the parking garage. "Just send him in to the examination room and get him prepared, I'll be there in a couple minutes." Because I am an oral surgeon, I brush after every lunch had at the office, and what better place to take care of such business? I'd get to it as soon as I prepped my waiting patient for preliminary surgical evaluation.

I entered the examination room looking at the chart. "Hello, Jefferson. Do people call you Jeff for short?" I asked the young man, sitting in my brand new MaxStar Pro Ensemble examination chair. Without warning, Jefferson Freely vomited in a forward direction towards his shoes. The bastard had just vomited on my brand new MaxStar Pro! Not used, not a re-furb, but brand-fucking-new! "Gee, Doctor Stapleton, I really am sorry. I get nervous even when my own father examines me, I get a bit queezy." I should have noticed that rat-faced mug anywhere, namely from last month's Greater Metropolitan Dental Association picnic. This was the son of my least-trusted of referral associate dentists who don't have the balls to carry out anything more complicated than a simple cavity filling. Frederick Freely was indeed a prime example of a gutless hack in the profession of dentistry. He didn't even have the balls to operate on his own son, and now he's gone and vomited on the brand new MaxStar Pro with the state-of-the-art Beaver State C-3230 Cuspidor attachment module. "That's alright, Jeff." I consoled him. "I'm just going to put these wads of gauze between your gums and your cheeks. I will then need you to open your mouth wide for these jaw spreaders; they will hold your mouth open so that your jaw muscles do not become fatigued. I will return shortly. In the meantime, Julie will clean up that vomit." It wasn't really warranted, but I placed several thick wads of cotton gauze between the cheek tissue and gums in each mouth quadrant, also taking care to place two more amidst the tongue and gums; at very least, this little bastard will leave without a significant portion of his taste buds and will likely develop a rather nasty canker on both sides. The very dry nature of the gauze coming in contact with the tongue has almost a velcro-like effect. The taste bud structures become wedged in the knitting of the gauze, resulting in 'removal' upon extraction of the gauze. "I will be with you in a few minutes, Jeff." I said as I left the examination room. Maybe he'll develop a mild case of TMJ from the jaw spreaders. If I'm fortuitous, his jaw muscles are quite weak enough for it to develop. I will no doubt hear boo from his stumblefuck pseudo-professional father if it does happen.

I returned to my personal bathroom which is attached to the office and began cleaning up after my lunch with Tartar Control Crest paired with the Philips Sonicare electric toothbrush, a model of which is highly customised by my who nephew works for the Philips Dental and Medical Electronics R&D department. Not only is this custom model capable of an oscillation rate up to twice as fast as the stock models, but it also has a prototype circular rotating head mechanism never seen by the general public. I also had him bribe the workers in the polymer manufacturing division where the bristles are created to add some hardening agent to the plastic. I realise that the extremely hard bristles can cause irreversable damage to the gum tissue, but I am somewhat addicted to the pleasure I get from the mint agents of toothpaste burning the fresh bristle scrapes. I also cannot afford the injury more than twice a week in order to prevent serious degeneration. To slow bleeding after brushing, I rinse with roughly two ounces of my own fresh urine. This chemically cauterizes the mouth wounds, and adds a much deserved tingly cooling pain when mixed with the mint esters of the toothpaste. After finally rinsing with water, I put on my examination lab coat.

I returned to the examination room just as Julie finished wiping off Jefferson Freely's tennis shoes. "Thank you, Julie." I started. "Let's have a look at your dental x-rays." I took the x-rays out of the yellow manila envelope that he'd brought along with him, and placed them on the backlit observation window. The fluorescent lights flickered on. Nothing out of the ordinary was apparent. It was then that I noticed the date on the x-ray, simply unacceptable.. "Well, Jeff. I can call you Jeff, right?" He nodded in approval. "It seems that this x-ray is more than a year old." Freely's incompetance had me fuming at this point. "I'm going to want to x-ray you today, but will first examine you. The chart says you've shattered your left upper central incisor, which I saw when I put the gauze in your mouth. It also says you have a mild case of bruxism." He stared at me with a puzzled look. "You grind your teeth when you sleep, right?" He nods for confirmation. "There is really nothing that I can do to about the bruxism that your father isn't capable of. I, however, specialise in oral surgery. I'd like to have a closer look at that fractured tooth."

I lifted the upper lip with my left index finger and examined all angles of the tooth with the dental mirror in my right. I replaced the mirror to the tray and unnecessarily prodded the gums surrounding the damaged tooth with the point of my examination tool. Jefferson Freely cringed as a little blood seeped out of the minor puncture wounds. "You're missing roughly two-thirds of the inscisor mass. The dentin and tooth core are both exposed. I am assuming that your father perscribed some sort of dulling agent or pain medication? I'm sure such trauma would be pretty painful." Further nodding. "Alright then. While some of the nerve tissue is damaged, I'm going to recommend a root canal anyway. The nerve will not grow back. It will be best to install a crown afterward." Jefferson Freely was quivering in terror. "Having said that, you seem uncomfortable during even the most minor examination procedure. I'm going to recommend that you go under general anesthesia." He then noticably relaxed and ceased trembling. "Please hold still while I remove the gauze and jaw spreaders from your mouth, I wouldn't want to lose a finger." I winked at him, and he nervously chukled. I removed the jaw spreaders and proceeded with the gauze. I made sure to remove the last patch in the rear left, and jammed the index finger of my gloved hand into his uvula while withdrawing. He dry heaved, then gasped for air. "I do apologise for that. If you would follow Julie, she'll take you to the x-ray and take some less dated x-rays and arrange an appointment for surgery. I would recommend today or tomorrow if possible." I shook his hand, "I will see you later." and returned to my office, tossing the used latex gloves into the biohazard recepticle.