A bald nun, a gay lawyer, and a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast
walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “This has got to be the weirdest joke
I’ve ever been in.”
About as deep as a saucer of milk
A
candle lights others and consumes itself.
According to a recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete
Research, nine out of ten…
A
decision delayed until it is too late is not a decision; it’s an evasion.
Adversity
introduces a man to himself.
A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant:
first, get a huge block of marble; then chip away everything that doesn’t look
like an elephant.
A
friend hears the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails.
After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me,
“Maybe life isn’t for everyone”.
A
halo is, after all, just another thing to keep clean.
A
hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
Airplane travel is nature’s way of making you look like
your passport photo.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Don’t drink and derive.
Algebraists do it in groups.
A
little nonsense now and then
Is relished by the wisest men.
All
are brave when the enemy flies.
All
honors’ wounds are self-inflicted.
All
men of action are dreamers.
All power corrupts but we need the electricity.
All syllogisms have three parts. Therefore, this is not a syllogism.
All things equal, fat people use more soap.
Always
remember to forget the troubles that passed away, but never forget to remember
the blessings that come each day.
A
man chases a woman until she catches him.
A
man is not always asleep when his eyes are closed.
A
man shows his character by what he laughs at.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
And Jesus said unto them, “And whom do you say that I
am?” They replied, “You are the
eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological
foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed.”
And Jesus replied, “What?”
And which parallel universe did you crawl out of?
And, Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of
death I shall fear no evil, for I am the toughest S.O.B. in the valley.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
fattening. Anything not fitting
into these categories causes cancer in rats.
Any time is the right time for waffles.
A
picture is worth a thousand words, yet just a thousand words can paint a million
pictures.
A
piece of churchyard fits everybody.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a
polar transformation.
Approach
love and cooking with reckless abandon.
A stitch in time saves embarrassing
exposure.
A
small town is where the newspaper prints the crossword puzzle on the first page.
A
successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that
others throw at them.
A
wise man learns more from an idiot than an idiot learns from a wise man.
Ban the bomb. Save
the world for conventional warfare.
Be
advised that every time you avoid doing right, you increase your disposition to
do wrong.
Better
to wear out than to rust out.
Beware
of him who telleth tales.
Beware of the quantum ducks. Quark! Quark!
Quark!
Be
you own palace or the world’s your jail.
Be alert-the world needs more lerts
Be creative.
Invent a perversion.
Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
Blood is thicker than water, and tastier too.
Blue
is true,
Yellow’s jealous,
Green’s forsaken,
Red’s brazen,
White is love,
And black is death.
Born again pagan
Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they’re
nothing.
Bright as Alaska in December
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Cannot find reality.sys-universe halted.
Chaos, panic, disorder, my work here is done.
Chaotic amorals have more fun.
Chaotic Evil means never having to say you’re sorry.
Christian
Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinite,
knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned
about my sex life.
Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Compliments
are only lies in court clothing.
Confucious says too much.
Convicted of a felony?
No, but I’d like to try.
Couldn’t pour water out a boot with instructions on the
heel
Courteous postal workers
-are always kind, courteous, and patient with customers
-always have plenty of stamps on hand
-always save the last bullet for themselves
Cowards die many
times before their death, the valiant taste of death but once.
Cruel and unusual punishment works better.
Cultivate good
manners and you’ll be mistaken for a doorman.
Dance
like nobody is watching and love like its never going to hurt.
Death
takes no bribes.
Death
does not blow a trumpet.
Death
is a once in a lifetime experience.
Death to all fanatics
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Destined for greatness, but pacing myself.
Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the only person in
America whose bologna really did have a first name?
Discoveries
are made by not following instructions.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Does wasting time damage eternity?
Do
not belong so wholly to others that you do not belong to yourself.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz’,
like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Do
not resent growing old. Many are
denied the privilege.
Don’t
be afraid to go on an occasional wild goose chase-that’s what wild geese are
for.
Don’t drink and drive.
You may hit a bump and spill you drink.
Don’t
get stuck in a closet. Wear
yourself out.
Don’t hate yourself in the morning.
Sleep until noon.
Don’t
learn the tricks of the trade. Learn
the trade.
(Illegitimi
non carborundum.)
Don’t let the bastards get you down.
Don’t let people drive you crazy when
you’re within walking distance.
Don’t
let the odds keep you from pursuing what you know you were meant to do.
Don’t let your mind wander; its far too small to be let
out on its own.
Don’t tell me what kind of day to have.
Drive it like you stole it.
Due to recent budget cuts, the funding for smoke has been
eliminated. The department will now
run entirely on mirrors.
Eagles
fly alone.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet
engines.
Early to bed and early to rise is a sure sign that you’re
fed up with television.
Earth First! We’ll
strip-mine the other planets later.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing
worse can happen to you for the rest of the day!
Endless love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
Enjoy
yourself. These are the good old
days that you’re going to miss in the future.
Entropy is the amount of disorder in the
universe. EVERYTHING you do
increases this and it’s a bad thing. Do
you realize that just by opening a box of corn flakes you are increasing the
amount of entropy, which will eventually lead to the heat death of the universe?
So stop it, now!
Etiquette
is the art of knowing the right way to do the wrong thing.
Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies.
Every
doctor has his favorite disease.
Fac ut vivas. (Get a life.)
Faint
is the bliss that never passed through pain.
Faith can move mountains, but not furniture.
Follow your dream, unless it’s the one
where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Follow
your heart because your heart will know the love that is meant for you.
Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your throat
leaks.
Ghengis Khan is looking for a few good barbarians.
Give
her two red roses, each with a note. The
first says, “To the woman I love”, the second, “To my best friend”.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else
God is not dead but alive and working on a
much less ambitious project.
Go, lemmings go!
Have a “Who is less competitive?” contest.
-Trying to win will make you lose. Trying to lose will make you win, which means you lose.
Not trying at all means you lose which means you win and thus you lose.
Health
is the slowest rate at which you can die.
He
hath not lived that lives not after death.
Heisenberg might have slept here.
Hello, front desk?
Some guy named Gideon left his Bible here.
Heroes
die.
He
that once is born, once must die.
He
that would die well must always look for death.
He
who dies for virtue does not perish.
He
who makes no mistakes makes nothing.
How can there be self-help “groups”?
How can you love nature when it did that to you?
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
I always wanted to be a procrastinator.
I am not a trained killer.
I lead trained killers.
I
am not your judge. I am your
punishment.
I am one with my duality.
I am the mother of all things, and all
things should wear a sweater.
I
am treated as evil by those who feel persecuted because they are not allowed to
force me to believe as they do.
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I
had to buy them again.
I brake for tailgaters.
I came real close to seeing Elvis, then my shovel broke.
I’d like to call you.
What’s your number?
It’s in the phone book.
But I don’t know your name.
That’s in the phone book too.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learners permit.
I don’t have any solutions but I certainly admire the
problem.
I don’t live within my income because I can’t afford
it.
I don’t make mistakes.
I have unintentional improvisations.
I don’t suffer from stress.
I’m a carrier.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to
participate in it.
If all else fails, lower your standards.
If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does anyone hear
it?
If at all possible, involve cows.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence
that you tried.
If Caesar were alive, he’d have you chained to an oar.
(Caesar si viverit, ad remum dareris.)
If Dr. Kevorkian got sick and decided to kill himself,
would it be bad business if he went to someone else?
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
If
God be for us, who can be against us?
If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood
Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah a big apology.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If God had meant us to vote, he would have
given us candidates.
If her IQ goes up to 40, she should sell
If
I be hanged, I’ll choose my gallows.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the
box?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?
Standard procedure is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter oneself over a
large area.
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with
sushi?
If
you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance!
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes
and sue you.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it
turn?
If
you don’t get the better of yourself, someone else will.
If you drink, don’t park.
Accidents cause people.
If
you fall off a cliff you might as well fly, you’ve got nothing to lose.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts,
you’d get change back.
If
you refuse to accept anything but the best, you’ll get the best.
Begin to live as you wish to live.
If you remain calm, you just don’t have
all the facts.
If you send someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
If
you take your time, thinking is fun
If
you’ve nothing to lose, you can try everything.
If
you want a place in the sun, you’ve got to expect a few blisters.
If
you want to dance around naked with a rose in your teeth do it, but do it like
you mean it.
If
you want to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball.
I got a pocket comb, but who wants to comb
pockets?
I have a hobby.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches around the world.
Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
I have an inferiority complex. It just isn’t a very good one.
I have seen the truth, and it makes no
sense.
I have so much to do that I am going to bed.
I honor and express all facets of my
personality, regardless of state and federal laws.
I like frogs because they get together in
warm moist places and sing about sex.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the courage to bite
themselves.
I may look like a fool, but I dance like a
blender.
I’m free of prejudice.
I hate all people equally.
I’m glad you’re tall.
It gives me more not to like about you.
In the beginning was nothing, and God said,
“Let there be light”. And there
was still nothing, but now everyone could see it.
I put instant coffee in the microwave and
almost went back in time.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards; I got a full house and four people died.
Is this seat saved?
No, but I’m praying for it.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with
a better class of people.
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is; it’s always room temperature.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea:
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I
think the world is run by C students.
I think war is God’s way of teaching us
geography.
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
It is possible for your mind to be so open
that your brain falls out.
It matters not whether you win or lose-it
matters whether I win or lose.
It’s good to know that if I behave
strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.
Its not who you kill.
It’s what kind of cereal you eat out of their skull.
I’ve gotta be me-everybody else was
already taken.
I want to create an omelet that expresses
the meaningless of life, but they taste like cheese.
I went to a general store but they
wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
I wish I had a dental appointment to cancel,
it always brightens my day.
I worship the ground that awaits your
corpse.
I would like to treat him like a treasure,
bury him with care and affection.
I write bad poetry about chickens.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
Just
because a dress is red satin doesn’t mean it will come off easily.
Just
because everything has gone to hell doesn’t mean you have to go too.
Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t
mean you’re NOT paranoid.
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.
Kick ass now.
Take names later.
Knot
in de plank will show through de whitewash.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the
stars in the sky and I though to myself, “Where the heck is my ceiling?”
Last night, I played a blank tape at full
blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
Last week I went to the furniture store to
look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They
couldn’t help me.
Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom: No
matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately 1
billion Chinese couldn’t care less.
Let’s get out of these wet clothes and
into a dry martini.
Let
the wild rumpus begin!
Life
is full of disappointments, and I’m full of life.
Life
is not measured by the moments of breath you take but by the breath taking
moments
Like High Mass without the vestments.
Live Lent in the fast lane.
Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either.
Madness takes its toll.
Please have exact change.
Man is the missing link between the ape and
the human being.
Mankind is stupid. If you forget it, they will remind you.
Marriage
is a romance in which the hero dies n the first chapter.
Marriage
is an institution, and who wants to live in an institution?
Mary had a little lamb, and the doctors
nearly fainted.
May all your teeth fall out, except one-to
give you toothaches.
May onions grow in your navel.
May your life be like toilet paper-long and
useful.
Men: you can’t live with them. You don’t have to.
Mind like a steel trap; rusty and illegal in
37 states.
Moebius always does it on the same side.
Money is the root of all evil, and a man
needs roots.
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting.
He was making pennies but putting the heads and tails on the wrong side.
My reality checks bounced.
Necrophilia means never having to say you’re sorry.
Never
answer the phone on the first ring.
Never
let them see you sweat.
Never knock on Death’s door. Just ring the bell and run away.
He HATES that
Never moon a werewolf.
Night
is the mother of thoughts.
Nobody
who can read is ever successful at cleaning out the attic.
No
man is born wise or learned.
No
matter which finger you bite, it will hurt.
No
morning can last a whole day.
No one expects the Spammish repetition;
Spam! Spam!
Spam! Spam!
No
one should be twice punished for two crimes.
Not
one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Nuke
‘em till they glow, then shoot ‘em in the dark.
October’s
child is born for woe,
And life’s vicissitudes must know;
But lay an opal on her breast,
And hope will lull those woes to rest.
Of
all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Old
wounds easily bleed.
186,00 mph-it’s not just a good idea; it’s the law!
One good thing about Alzheimer’s is you get to meet new
people every day.
One good thing about apathy is that you don’t have to
exert energy to show you’re sincere about it.
One
meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it.
Only
marry a man who you would choose for a friend if they were a woman.
Paddle
your own canoe.
Paranoia
is the belief in a hidden order behind the visible.
Patrick
Henry should come back to see what taxation with representation is like.
Peace
through superior firepower.
Penguin lust
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t
cavort nude on top of the piano while doing gorilla impersonations.
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most
vicious animal on the earth.
…prays on his knees on Sundays and his on
his friends the rest of the week.
Primitive tribes in northern Alaska consider the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to be three. They call it Eskimo pi.
Proof that evolution can go in reverse
Raising teens is like nailing Jell-O to a
tree.
Reality
is a big, nasty, scary dragon, but I don’t believe in dragons.
Real men write self-modifying code.
Religion
is a man using a divining rod. Philosophy
is a man using a pick and a shovel.
Remember
tonight, for it is the beginning of always.
Resistance is useless (if less than one
ohm).
Rome
was not built in a day.
Say what you will about burglars, they still
make house calls.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Serious
people seldom have ideas. People
with ideas are seldom serious.
Sharp as a thimble.
Shrouds
have no pockets.
Silence
is also speech.
Silence
is not always golden. Sometimes it
is just yellow.
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do
Orientals throw hamburgers?
Sink
or swim.
Six
feet of earth make all men equal.
668: Neighbor of the Beast
Small
sorrows speak; great ones are silent.
Smile.
It makes people wonder what you’re up to.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and
plow into a parked car.
Someone
who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Statisticians probably do it.
Stop repeat offenders.
Don’t re-elect them.
Support bacteria-they’re the only culture
some people have.
Support free trade, smuggle.
Support you local bloodhound. Get lost.
Tact:
Thinking all you say without saying all you think.
Take me home, furry people need love too.
Take my advice.
I don’t use it anyway.
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone
else to shoot at.
That’s a great outfit you’re wearing.
I have just the perfect hanger for it.
The best gift for the man who has everything
is a burglar alarm.
The best thing about dictating a letter is
you can use words you don’t even know how to spell.
The careful application of terror is also a
form of communication.
The chicken probably came first because
it’s hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg.
The cocktail party is easily the worst
invention since castor oil.
The
darkest hour has but sixty minutes.
The
difference between “involved” and “committed” is like ham and eggs for
breakfast. The chicken was
“involved”. The pig was
“committed”
The facts, although interesting, are
irrelevant.
The father of the bride should realize he
isn’t losing a daughter, he’s gaining a bathroom.
The final test of fame is to have some crazy
person imagine he is you.
The French have passed from a state of
barbarism to decadence without the customary interval of civilization.
The
Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
The
good die young-because they see no use in living if you’ve got to be good.
The
harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
The
longest day has its end.
The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 in The Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
The meek shall inherit the earth; they’re
too meek to refuse.
The
meek will inherit the earth. The
rest of us will go to the stars.
The
mill cannot grind with the water that is past.
The
moment he opened his mouth, you could tell he read books.
The more you run over a dead cat, the
flatter it gets.
The nice thing about egotists is that they
don’t talk about other people.
The number you have dialed is imaginary.
Please divide by zero and try again.
The
only person worth your tears is someone who will never make you cry.
The original point and click interface was a
Smith and Wesson.
The other day I went to a tourist
information booth and said, “Tell me about some of the people who were here
last year”.
The problem with reality is the lack of
background music.
The psychotic person knows that 2 and 2
makes 5 and if perfectly happy about it; the neurotic person knows that 2 and 2
makes 4, but is terribly worried about it.
There are very few personal problems that
cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives
The reason the Irish are always fighting each other is that
they have no worthy opponents.
There
is a skeleton in every house.
There
is no job so simple that it can’t be done wrong.
There is only one physicist to look out for
at the moment. Dr. Stephen Hawkins.
His book, “A Brief History of Time” was bought by every intellectual
with a coffee table. I don’t own this book, but I am reading “A Timely History
in Briefs”, which uncovers the hitherto unknown relationship between the
zipper front and the boxer short.
There’s
no dying by proxy.
The
skull of life suddenly shone through its smile.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time
you’ll have to catch up.
The sun never sets on the British empire
because Britain is in the east and the sun sets in the west.
The
test of courage is to bear defeat without losing heart.
The
tragedy of life is not that it ends do soon, but that we wait so long to enjoy
it.
The trick to flying is the throw yourself at
the ground at miss.
The
universe does not have laws; it has habits and habits can be broken.
The
universe is a stairway leading nowhere unless man is immortal.
The
years of a mans’ life pass like a dream
Think of it as evolution in action.
Those
only deserve a monument who do not need one.
Those
who dance are thought mad by those who do not hear the music.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Those
who would alter reality must first escape it.
Though
the fool waits, the day does not.
Thou shalt not make graven images. This is a major religion, not shop class.
Times
change and we change with them.
‘Tis
better to buy your friends a small bouquet today than a bushel of roses white
and red to lay on his coffin after he’s dead.
To
disavow an error is to invent retroactively.
To err is human, to forgive…is to err.
To hell with the prime directive, let’s
kill something.
To
make your dreams come true, you must stay awake.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young
woman kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to
kill again. –TV guide listing for “The Wizard of Oz”
True
courage grapples with misfortunes.
(Tum
enim vitae socia virtos, mortis comes gloria fuisset.)
Then would valor have been your companion in life, and honor your comrade in
death.
2+2=5; for moderately large values of two.
Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Virtue
is its own reward, but so is vice!
Was today really necessary?
We
are merchants of dreams. (1920’S advertising slogan)
We can defeat gravity.
The problem is the paperwork involved.
We
do not remember days. We remember
moments.
We
fear the thing we want the most.
We have been through so much together, and
most of it was your fault.
We
never forgive those who make us bleed.
We
triumph without glory when we conquer without danger.
What a nice night for an evening.
What color is a chameleon in a mirror?
What’s the point of having money if nobody
knows it! –woman in a Cadillac showroom
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynff jvyy unir
cevinpl.
When confronted with a difficult problem, you can always
solve it by reducing it to one simple question: How would the Lone Ranger handle
this?
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many
memories.
When everything’s going your way, you’re in the wrong
lane.
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
When
things go wrong, don’t go with them.
When
you dig another out of is trouble, you find a place to bury your own.
When you go in a restaurant, always get a
table near a waiter.
Whoever
said you can’t buy happiness forgot about little puppies.
Who
shall end my dreams confusion?
Life is a loom, weaving illusion.
Work
like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance
like nobody’s watching.
Y
You
cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind.
You
can’t answer for your courage if you have never been in danger.
You are depriving some poor village of an
idiot.
You are only young once, but you can stay
immature indefinitely.
You can lead a horse to water but a pencil
must be led.
You
choose which party to attend.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
Cop: You have to have at least 2 people in
the car to legally use the car pool lane.
Response: Check the trunk.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when
you call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.
You know it may be time to clean the
swimming pool when that guy from Sunset Boulevard is really starting to get
gamey.
You know it’s time to flee your country
when your only hope lies with the French army.
You must have a low opinion of people if you
think of them as your equal.
You…off my planet!
You’re a legend…in your own mind.
You’re slower than a herd of turtles
stampeding through peanut butter.
You should do some soul-searching; you just
might find one.
You should make a point of trying every
experience once, except incest and folk dancing.
You’ve heard about the good time had by
all ladies and gentlemen, and here she is!
You were TOLD not to feed me after
midnight.
You
will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to deal with
heat waves.