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A

The only thing to know is how to use your neuroses. –Arthur Adamov, Russian-born French dramatist and translator, 1908-1970

In the beginning the universe was created.  This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move. –Douglas Noel Adams, British humorous writer, 1952-2001

“Whom are you?” said he, for he had been to night school. –George Ade, American humorist, 1866-1944

We are growing serious, and let me tell you, that’s the next step to being dull. –Joseph Addison, English essayist and statesman, 1672-1719

I cannot afford to waste time making money. –Jean Louis Rodolphe Agassiz, Swiss-born American naturalist, 1807-1873

Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. –Kehlog Ahbran

I swear, if you existed, I’d divorce you. –Edward Franklin Albee, III, American playwright, 1928-

–(Of Bronson Alcott) He soared to the infinite and dived to the unfathomable but never paid cash.

I often put boiling water in the freezer.  Then whenever I need boiling water, I simply defrost it. –Grace Ethel Cecile Rosalie “Gracie” Allen, American comedienne, 1906-1964

And my parents finally realize that I’ve been kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.  –Woody Allen, American director, 1935-

Death should not be seen as the end but as a very effective way to cut down expenses. –Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. –Woody Allen

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. –Woody Allen

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. –Woody Allen

It’s impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still be able to carry a tune.  –Woody Allen

I was incredible in bed last night.  I never once had to sit up and consult the manual. –Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters.  I want my food dead-not sick, not wounded-dead. –Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.  –Woody Allen

My luck is getting worse and worse.  Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker. –Woody Allen

To you I am an atheist.  To God, I am the Loyal Opposition. –Woody Allen

I have never understood why anybody agreed to go on being a rustic after about 1400. –Kingsley Amis, British author, 1922-1995

My good intentions are completely lethal. –Margaret Eleanor Atwood, Canadian poet, novelist, and critic, 1939-

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of. –Jane Austen, English novelist, 1775-1817

I do not want people to be agreeable as it saves me the trouble of liking them. –Jane Austen

The work was killing me.  They called me out of bed at all hours to receive resignations of Prime Ministers.  -Vincent Avinal, ex-President of France

B

A small town is a place where there’s nowhere to go where you shouldn’t. –Burt Bacharach, American composer, 1928-

His family were the largest dandruff manufacturers in France. -Arthur “Bugs” Baer

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately?  I sat what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down. –Russell Wayne Baker, American writer, 1925-

Conversational topics to start a discussion with a stranger you have nothing in common with:
-landscape gardening
-professional wrestling
-the use of hypnotism to stop smoking
-robots doing housework
-what you’d put in a time capsule
-the contents of the Smithsonian –Letetia Katherine Baldridge, American public relations executive and etiquette authority, 1927?- 

One of those big, fat paperbacks intended to while away a monsoon or two, which, if thrown with a good overarm action, will bring a water buffalo to its knees.  –Nancy Banks-Smith, British columnist, 20^th century

Playing snooker gives you firm hands and helps to build up character.  It is the ideal recreation for dedicated nuns. –Luigi Barbarito, Italian cleric, 1922-

I should like to convey when you are acting that the man you portray has a brother in Shropshire who drinks port. –James Matthew Barrie, British playwright, 1860-1937

This is the kind of show to give pornography a bad name.  –Clive Alexander Barnes

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. –Dave Barry, American humorist and journalist

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -Marion S. Barry, American politician, 1936-

It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. -Matt Barry

Land of my dreams, home of the Whopper. –Balki Bartakomaus

I don’t know what’s wrong with my TV set.  I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.  I actually bought a congressman. –Bruce Baum

If all the world’s a stage, I want to operate the trap door. –Paul Beatty

Even death is unreliable: instead of zero it may be some ghastly hallucination, such as the square of –1.   –Samuel Beckett, Irish writer and absurdist playwright, 1906-1989

Go on failing.  Go on.  Only next time, try to fail better.  –Beckett

One of the thieves was saved.  It’s a reasonable percentage. –Beckett

He was born an Englishman and remained one for years. –Brendan Francis Behan, Irish writer and nationalist, 1923-1964    

When I came back to Dublin, I found I was court-martialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.  –Brendan Behan

(Asked why he choose a sun lamp over sitting out in California)
And get hit by a meteor?  -Robert Charles Benchley, American humorist, 1889-1945

He came out of a nightclub one evening, and, tapping an uniformed figure on the shoulder, said, “Get me a cab”.  The uniformed figure turned around furiously and informed him that he was not a doorman but a rear admiral.  “O.K.”, said Benchley, “Get me a battleship”. 

Just arrived in Venice.  Streets full of water.  Please advise. –Benchle

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink. –Benchley

Grief stricken people do not expect to emerge from the chapel of rest to find grown men skulking in the rhododendrons with tab-ends in their mouths.  If the hearse drivers must smoke then facilities should be provided. —Alan Bennett, British playwright, 1934-

If you think squash is a competitive sport, try flower arranging.  –Bennett

It’s where they commit suicide and the king rides a bicycle-Sweden.  –Bennett

Opportunities calling for devoted self-sacrifice don’t turn up every day of the week

Quite.  Any really first rate chance of improving the soul gets snapped up by the social services department.  –Bennett

Tragic.  And he came through puberty with such flying colors.   –Bennett     

I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. –Winston Bennett

What I like about Clive,
Is that he is no longer alive
There is a great deal to be said,
For being dead. –Edmund Clerihew Bentley, British novelist and humorist, 1875-1956 

Why are we honoring this man?  Have we run out of human beings? –Milton Berle, American comedian, 1896-1996

The European Community is being run in a thoroughly un-British way. –Bethell

This island is made mainly of coal and is surrounded by fish.  Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.  –Aneurin Bevan, British Labor politician, 1897-1960

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.  –Ambrose Gwinett Bierce, American author and satirist, 1842-1914

There are four kinds or homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. –Bierce

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland. –Josh Billings, aka Henry Wheeler Shaw, American humorist, 1818-1885

The Germans are a cruel race.  Their operas last for six hours and they have no word for “fluffy”.  –Blackadder

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. –Erma Bombeck, American writer and humorist, 1927-1996

In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on TV. –Erma Bombeck

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.  When men are depressed, they invade another country. –Elayne Boosler

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident.  That’s where we come in.  We’re computer professionals.  We cause accidents. –Nathaniel Borenstein

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough? –Niels Henrik David Bohr, Danish physicist and Nobel Laureate, 1885-1962

God runs the universe by wave theory on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and the Devil runs it by quantum theory on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. –William Bragg, British physicist and Nobel Laureate, 20^th century

Anybody that (sic) wants the presidency so much that he will spend two years organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. –David S. Broder, American political writer

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals.  I am a vegetarian because I hate vegetables. –A. Whitney Brown

You can’t be truly rude until you understand good manners. –Rita Mae Brown, American feminist and writer, 1944-

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. –Sam Brown

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. –Lenny Bruce, American comedian, 1925-1966

Boston’s freeway system…was clearly designed by a person who had spent his childhood crashing toy trains.  –Bill Bryson, American author and journalist, 1951-

If you can imagine a man having a vasectomy without anesthetic to the sound of frantic sitar playing, you’ll have some idea of what popular Turkish music is like. –Bill Bryson

…it gives you the sensation of a coma without the worry and inconvenience.  –Bill Bryson

It must be so unnerving to be so famous that you know they are going to come in the moment you croak and hang velvet cords across all the doorways and treat everything with reverence.  Think of the embarrassment if you left a copy of Reader’s Digest Condensed Books on the bedside table.  –Bill Bryso

My first rule of travel is never to go to a place that sounds like a medical condition, and Critz was clearly an incurable disease involving flaky skin.  –Bill Bryson

To my mind the only possible pet is a cow.  Cows love you…They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return.  They will be your friends forever.  And when you get tired of them you can kill them and eat them.  Perfect.  –Bill Bryson

I’d rather entrust the government of the United States to the first four hundred people listed in the Boston Telephone Directory than to the faculty of Harvard University. –William F. Buckley, Jr., American conservative politician and author, 1925-

…liberals…invoke the name of Freedom the way a drill sergeant invokes his favorite obscenity. –James Burnham, British anti-communist, 1905-1987

An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have only one side of the case.  God has written all the books. –Samuel Butler, British author, 1835-1902

I consider being ill as one of the great pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill. –Samuel Butler

I do not mind lying; but I hate inaccuracy. –Samuel Butler

She is a fascinating woman, and he is very fond of fascinating with her. –Samuel Butler

Life’s too short for chess. –Henry James Byron, English dramatist, 1834-1884

(Being made aware of the Nazi threat)
I shall put warmonger on my passport.  –Robert Byron

C

It doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you do not do it in public and frighten the horses. –Mrs. Patrick Campbell (born Beatrice Stella Tanner), British actress, 1865-1940

(Hearing that Margaret Fuller “accepted the universe”)
Gad, she’d better!  -Thomas Carlyle, Scottish essayist and historian, 1795-1881

The Sunday Post today published a most extraordinary paragraph to the effect that I am really forty-one instead of thirty-nine and hinted that I had faked my age in the reference books.  The awful thing is that it is true.  –Chips Cannon

England produces the best fat actors. –Jimmy Cannon

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. –George Carlin, American comedian, 1937-

The very existence of flame throwers proves that at some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done”. –George Carlin

But I was thinking of a plan to dye one’s whiskers green. –Lewis Carroll (born Charles Lutwidge Dodgeson), British mathematician and writer, 1832-1898

“One can’t believe impossible things.”  “I daresay you haven’t has much practice”, said the queen.  “When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day.  Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”. –Lewis Carroll

“The time has come”, the walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes-and ships-and sealing wax-
Of cabbages and kings-
And why the sea is boiling hot-
And whether pigs have wings.” –Lewis Carroll.

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. –John William “Johnny” Carson, American comedian and television host, 1925-

(Criticized for always being late to work)
But think how early I go  -Castlerose

There’s so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in the streets? –Richard “Dick” Cavett, American comedian and television host, 1936-

She was the kind of girl who’d eat all your cashews and leave you with nothing but peanuts and filberts. –Raymond Thornton Chandler, American author, 1888-1959

When in doubt, have two guys come through the door with guns. –Raymond Chandler

You cannot criticize the New Testament.  It criticizes you. –John Jay Chapman, American author, 1862-1933

Medvedenk: Why do you wear black all the time?
Masha: I’m in mourning for my life; I’m unhappy –Anton Pavlovich Chekov, Russian playwright, 1860-1904

Americans do not need to drink to inspire them to do anything. –Gilbert Keith Chesterton, English writer, 1874-1936

I believe in getting into hot water.  It keeps you clean. –G.K. Chesterton

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly. –G. K. Chesterton

I hate a good quarrel because it interrupts and argument. –G.K. Chesterton

Like cannibalism, a matter of taste—G. K. Chesterton

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear.  It annoys them very much. –G.K. Chesterton

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. –G.K. Chesterton

I’m worried that the universe will soon need replacing.  It isn’t holding a charge. –Edward Chilton

Nothing in the world is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. –Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill, British Prime Minister (1940-1945, 1951-1955), 1874-1964

You must look out in Britain that you are not cheated by the charioteers. –Marcus Tullius Cicero, Roman statesman, orator, and philosopher, 106-43 BC

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them. –William Clayton

May I ask what you were hoping to see out of a Torquay bedroom window?  Sydney Opera House, perhaps?  The Hanging Gardens of Babylon?  Herds of wildebeests sweeping majestically…  -John Cleese (Fawlty Towers), British comedian and actor

He hasn’t been himself lately; let’s hope he stays that way. –Irwin Shrewsbury Cobb, American humorist, 1876-1944

I’ve just learned about his illness.  Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial. –Irwin S. Cob

Give my regards to Broadway,
Remember me to Harold Square,
Tell all the gang at 42^nd Street
That I will soon be there. –George Michael Cohan, American singer,  songwriter, and playwright, 1878-1948

Marriage is a wonderful invention, but then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.  –Bill Connolly

Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.  –Shirley Conran, British designer and journalist, 1932-

Aristocrats spend their childhood being beaten by fierce nannies and their later years murdering wildlife, so it is hardly surprising that their sex lives are a bit cockeyed. –Jilly Cooper

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.  Motorists are asked to be on the outlook for sixteen hardened criminals. –Ronnie Corbett

No visit to Doves Cottage, Grasmere, is complete without examining the outhouse where Hazlitt’s father, a Unitarian minister of strong liberal views, attempted to put his hand up Dorothy Wordsworth’s skirt. –Alan Coren, British editor and humorist, 1938-

Don’t spend $2 to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.  They’ll clean it and out it on a hanger.  Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. –William Coronel

A word to the wise isn’t necessary.  It’s the stupid ones who need all the advice. –William Henry “Bill” Cosby, Jr., American comedian, 1937-

The generation of random numbers it too important to be left to chance. –Robert R. Coveyou

Will you call me, Noel?
I certainly will-many things. – Noel Pierce Coward, British actor, playwright, and composer, 1899-1973

(On hearing his accountant has shot himself in the head)
I’m amazed he was such a good shot. –Noel Coward

I read the Times and if my name is not in the obits I proceed to enjoy the day. –Noel Coward

I was unwise enough to be photographed in bed wearing a Chinese dressing gown and an expression of advanced degeneracy.  –Noel Coward

My reputation’s terrible, which comforts me a lot. –Noel Coward

I like villains because there’s something so attractive about a committed person-they have a plan, an ideology, no matter how twisted.  They’re motivated. –Russell Crowe

(Of Warren G. Harding) The only man, woman, or child who wrote a simple declarative sentence with seven grammatical errors is dead.  –(edward estlin) e.e. cummings, American writer, 1894-1962

There are, of course, several things in Ontario that are more dangerous than wolves.  For instance, the stepladder. -J.W. Curran

I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word “fair” in connection with income tax policies. –Richard Curtis, British screenwriter, 1934- and Ben Elton, British author and performer, 1959-

To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn’t it?  -Richard Curtis and Ben Elton

D

I try to keep in mind the essential rules of British conduct, which the Major has carefully instilled in me:
1)       The English never speak to anyone unless they have been properly introduced   (except in case of shipwreck).
2)     You must never talk about God or you stomach.  –Pierre Daninos

I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it. –Clarence Seward Darrow, American lawyer and writer, 1857-1938

I see Canada as a country torn between a very northern, rather extraordinary, mystical spirit which it fears and its desire to present itself to the world as a Scotch Banker.  –Robertson Davies, Canadian novelist and journalist, 1913-1995

Any story that begins with a cancerous giraffe stamping on the genitals of its keeper must surely be marked high for cliché avoidance.  –Russell Davies

We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased.  My suggestion therefore is that you drop dead.  -James Edward Day, American Postmaster General (1961-1963), 1914-1996

Whatever happened to the Elephant Man?  He made that one cracker of a film and that was it. –Jack Dee

Ain’t I volatile? –Charles John Huffam Dickens ("Boz"), British writer, 1812-1870

He’d make a lovely corpse.  –Dickens

If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you’d form some idea of what unrequited affection is.  –Dickens

Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.  –Phyllis Diller, American author and actor, 1917-

I haven’t committed a crime.  What I did was fail to comply with the law. –David N. Dinkins, American politician and mayor of New York City, 1917-

You might very well think that I couldn’t possibly comment…  –Michael Dubbs

Dylan talked copiously, then stopped.  “Somebody’s boring me”, he said, “I think its me”.

E

Love your enemies.  It makes them so damn mad. –P.D. East

The trouble is you can’t live with men, but then you can’t shop them into little pieces and boil the flesh off their bones because that would be cooking. –Jenny Éclair

He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep. –Dorothy Eden

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wear helmets. –Dave Edison

If my theory of relativity is proven successful, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world.  Should my theory prove untrue, France will say that I am a German and Germany will declare that I am Jew. –Albert Einstein, German-born American physicist and Nobel Laureate, 1879-1955

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. –Einstein

An atheist is a man who watches a Notre Dame-Southern Methodist University game and doesn’t care who wins. –Dwight David Eisenhower

To say I always look my best can only mean the worst. –Thomas Stearns Eliot, American-born British critic and author, 1888-1965

No one has a gold swing like Eamon D’Arcy since Quasimodo gave up gold to concentrate on bell ringing. –Bill Elliot

Sometimes, you have to put down the duckie. –Ernie (Sesame Street)

Only those who attempt the absurd…will achieve the impossible.  I think…I think it’s I the basement.  Let me go upstairs and check. –Mauritis Cornelius Escher, Dutch artist, 1898-1972

…so one-sided I was surprised to find it written on both sides of the paper.  –James Agate Evershed, English theater critic, 1877-1947

F

(Of cheese) Milk’s leap toward immortality  -Clifton Paul Fadiman, American writer and editor, 1904-1999

Eamon D’Arcy has a golf swing like an octopus falling out of a tree. –David Feherty

Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? –Jules Feiffer, American cartoonist and satirist, 1929-

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame-thrower. –Bruce Feirstein, American author, 1982-1953

I am the emperor and I will have dumplings. –Ferdinand I, aka Ferdinand the Great, Spanish king of Castille (1035-1065) and León (1037-1065), ?-1065

He would look well standing under a descending pile driver. –Eugene Field

The actor who took the role of King Lear played the king as though he expected someone to play the ace. –Eugene Field

All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia. –W. C. Fields’ epitaph, American entertainer, 1880-1946

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her for it.  –W.C. Fields

(Asked why he never drank water) Fish fuck in it. –W.C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody.  I always vote against.  –W.C. Fields

I’m free of prejudice.  I hate all people equally. –W.C. Fields

I like children, if they’re properly cooked. –W.C. Fields

1. Never show up for an interview in bare feet.
2. Do not read your prospective employers’ mail while he is questioning you as to your qualifications. –W.C. Fields

Start off every day with a smile, and get it over with. –W.C. Fields

The world is disgracefully managed; one hardly knows to whom to complain.  –Arthur Annesley Ronald Firbank, British satirical writer, 1886-1926

..one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire is that the Romans, having no zero, had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. –Robert Firth

Don’t play dumb, you’re not as good at it as I am. –Col. Flagg, (M*A*S*H)

Any color-so long as its black.  –Henry Ford, American automobile manufacturer, 1863-1947

The problem with the Designated Driver problem, it’s not a desirable job.  But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. –Jeff Foxworthy, American comedian, 1958-

Once there was a Drag Hunt Ball just outside of Oxford to which I has unaccountably failed to be asked.  I asked God to do something about it, and God recklessly killed poor king George, as a result of which the Hunt Ball was canceled.  –Antonia Fraser, British author and historian, 1932-

Last night I had a dream my flour sack was abducted and the kidnappers actually started sending me muffins in the mail. –Niles Crane (Fraiser)

We British man not be the greatest at winning the Winter Olympics, but at least we carry our bloody flag properly. –Mike Freeman

I don’t watch TV.  I think it destroys the act of talking about oneself.  –Stephen Fry, British comic actor and author, 1957-

When you’ve seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.  –Stephen Fry

He brought to every one of his roles the quality of needing the money.  –Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, British comic actor

G

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by a spectacular error. –John Kenneth Galbraith, Canadian-born American economist, writer, and diplomat, 1908-

Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French. –Charles André Joseph Marie De Gaulle, French general and President (1959-1969), 1890-1970

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. –De Gaulle

How can you be expected to govern a country that has two-hundred-forty-six kinds of cheese?  -De Gaulle

God is love, but Satan is thirty and two sets to one up. –Don Geddis

And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started that morning from Devon);
He’s a bit undersized and you don’t feel surprised when he tells you he’s only eleven.
In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks) crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle.  – William Schwenck Gilbert, English playwright and poet, 1836-1911

He did nothing in particular, and did it very well. – W.S. Gilbert

Saturday afternoons, although occurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always takes the railway by surprise. –W.S. Gilbert

P.J. O’Rourke has the perfect New Right name – hard Irish with a hint of pajamas. –A.A. Gil

“Know thyself”?  If I knew myself, I’d run away.  –Johann Wolfgang von Göethe, German poet, playwright, and scientist, 1749-1832

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen.  Whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different. –Göethe

(Of a social climber notorious for falling off his horse)
Acquired concussion won’t open the doors of country houses.  The better classes are born concussed.  –Oliver St. John Gogarty, Irish physicist, senator, and author, 1878-1957

It’s more than magnificent.  It’s mediocre! –Samuel Goldwyn, Polish-born American film producer, 1882-1974

Pictures are for entertainment, messages should be delivered by Western Union. –Goldwyn

They didn’t release this movie.  It escaped. –Goldwyn

You can’t judge Hollywood by superficial impressions.  After you get past the artificial tinsel you get down to the real tinsel. –Goldwyn (also attributed to Keating)

Everyone wants to be Cary Grant.  Even I want to be Cary Grant. –Cary Grant, British-born American actor, 1904-1986

On his birthday, a newspaper telegraphed the star, HOW OLD CARY GRANT?, to which he replied, OLD CARY GRANT FINE.  HOW YOU?

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white guy would come into my neighborhood after dark. –Dick Gregory, American comedienne and civil rights activist, 1932-

Love is a perky little elf dancing a merry little jig and then he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. –Matt Groening, American cartoonist, 1954-

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned-don’t have sex with authorities. –Matt Groening

It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten.  They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane. –M. Grundler

H

Good place to wash your hair, Liverpool.  Nice soft water. –George Harrison, British rock musician, 1943-2001

Do you have a leading lady for your film?
We’re trying for the queen, she sells.  –George Harrison

An Englishman’s real ambition is to get a railway compartment to himself. –Ian Hayes

Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep. –Dennis Healy

Ordinarily he is insane, but he has lucid moments when he is only stupid. –Heinrich Heine, German poet and journalist, 1791-1856

The Romans would never have had time to conquer the world if they had been obliged to learn Latin first. –Heinrich Heine

Fortunately, just when things were blackest, the war broke out.  –Joseph Heller, American author, 1923-1999

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. –Joseph Heller

I’d like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.  –Joseph Heller

There was no telling what people might find out if they felt free to ask whatever questions they wanted to.  –Joseph Heller

On the subject of wild mushrooms, it is easy to tell who is an expert and who is not: the expert is the one who’s still alive. –Donal Henahan

I don’t care what is written about me, as long as it isn’t true. –Katherine Houghton Hepburn, American actress, 1909-

What’s my greatest ambition?  I’ve always wanted to throw an egg into an electric fan. –Oliver Herford, American poet and illustrator, 1863-1935

I deny I ever said that actors are cattle.  What I said was, “actors should be treated like cattle.” –Alfred Joseph Hitchcock, British director, 1899-1980

These are bagpipes.  I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm.  Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. –Hitchcock 

I sometimes go to my own little world but that’s okay.  They know me there. –Joel Hodgson

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. –Eric Hoffer, American philosopher, 1902-1983

He was too bad to be true. –Michael Holroyd

I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be king.  –Bob Hope, British-born American entertainer, 1903-

I love flying.  I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage. –Bob Hope

You oughtn’t to yield to temptation.
Well, somebody must or the thing becomes absurd. –Anthony Hope Hopkins, British author, 1863-1933

At one time I thought he wanted to be an actor.  He had certain qualifications including no money and a total lack of responsibility. –Hedda Hopper, American actress and gossip columnist, 1890-1966

This planet is largely inhabited by parrots. –A.E. Houseman, British poet and scholar, 1859-1936, (also attributed to Kaufman)

If a friend is in trouble, don’t annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do.  Think up something appropriate and do it. –Edgar Watson Howe, American author and editor, 1853-1937

When in doubt, win the trick –Edmond Hoyle, British writer on card games, 1672-1769

If you can’t answer a man’s arguments, all is not lost.  You can still call him vile names. –Elbert Hubbard, American author, 1856-1915

It’s going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they’ve inherited it. –Frank McKinney “Kin” Hubbard, American humorist and journalist, 1868-1930

No one can feel so helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. –Kin Hubbard

Some people pay a compliment as if they expect a receipt. –Kin Hubbard

The difficulty about a theatre job is that it interferes with party going.  –Barry John Humphries, aka Dame Edna Everage, Australian actor and comedian, 1934-

Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  Whatever I can pry loose is not nailed down. –Collis P. Huntington (attributed), American transportation executive, 1821-1900

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic?  Do tall people burn slower? –Warren Hutcherson

There is a country in Europe where multiple choice tests are illegal. –Sigfried Hulzer

I

A civil servant doesn’t make jokes. –Eugène Ionesco, Rumanian-born French dramatist, 1912-1994

A rhinoceros!  A rhinoceros running full tilt on the opposite pavement! -Ionesco, The Rhinoceros

J

A traditional fixture at Wimbledon is the way the BBC TV commentary box fills up with British players eliminated in the early rounds. –Clive James, Australian writer and critic, 1939-

I think that’s how Chicago got started.  A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.  Let’s go west.” –Richard Jeni

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. –Jerome Klapka Jerome, British author, 1859-1927

“You know, a cow was killed to make that jacket.”
“I didn’t know there were any witnesses.  Now I’ll have to kill you too.” –Jake Johanson

It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about some serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it.  Then I wake completely and realize I am the Pope. –John XXIII, Italian pope (1958-1963), 1881-1963

This is not a partisan dinner.  It is open to any member of any political party who wants to contribute $100 to the Democratic Party in November.  –Lyndon Baines Johnson, 36^th US president (1963-1969), 1908-1973

Cheer up.  The worst is yet to come. –Philander Johnson

Boswell: That, Sir, was great fortitude of mind.
Johnson: No, Sir, stark insensibility. –Samuel “Dr.” Johnson, English author and lexicographer, 1709-1784

Experience is a marvelous thing.  It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. –Franklin P. Jones

K

(On Germany strategy, having invaded Russia)
I think from now on, they’re shooting without a script. –George Simon Kaufman, American playwright, 1889-1961

I understand your new play is full of single entendre.  –Kaufman

(Of a play) I was underwhelmed. –Kaufman

Massey won’t be satisfied until he’s assassinated.  –Kaufman

This planet is largely inhabited by parrots…  -Kaufman, (also attributed to Houseman)

(To convince M. Connelly a line wouldn’t work) Well, Marc, there’s only one thing we can do.  We’ve got to call the audience in tomorrow for a ten o’clock rehearsal.  –Kaufman

What are you doing for dinner tonight?
Digesting it.  –Kaufma

(On how he would kill himself) with kindness  -Kaufman

You’ve heard of people living in a fool’s paradise?  Well, Leonora has a duplex there.  –Kaufman

You can’t judge Hollywood by superficial impressions.  After you get past the artificial tinsel you get down to the real tinsel. –Kenneth Barnard Keating, American conservative politician and diplomat, 1900-1975, (also attributed to Goldwyn)

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. –Paul John Keating, Australian Prime Minister (1991-1996), 1944-

Bambi-see the movie!  Eat the cast! -Henry Kelly

One must avoid praying when one is wearing socks that are too tight. –Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, Iranian Shiite leader and head of state (1979-1989), 1900-1989

We’re going to turn this team around three-hundred-sixty degrees. –Jason Kidd, American basketball player

Beware the elongated yellow fruit: Have no unreasonable fear of repetition…The story is told of a feature writer who was doing a piece on the United Fruit Co.  He spoke of bananas once; he spoke of bananas twice; he spoke of bananas yet a third time, and now he was desperate.  “The world’s leading shippers of the elongated yellow fruit,” he wrote. –James J. Kilpatrick

He spoke beautiful French and had a warm, sympathetic heart despite his good manners. –Alexander King

It is an utter waste for a human being to spend time championing the spurious case of chickens.  Get real.  Chickens don’t vote.  Do something useful-champion the rights of live human beings to enjoy dead chickens in the privacy of their own homes.  As it is, until you taste an organically raised, soft-scaled, air-chilled roast chicken, you will never know what Aunt Em was feeding Dorothy just before the twister.  You will forever be mendaciously and ignorantly content with poultry mediocrity, which can lead to ambivalence about chickens as a fabulous food source, which can lead to boredom, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy, which often impels humans to seek something to justify their lives, namely championing the rights of profoundly stupid chickens. –David Kingsmill

That peculiar…system whereby God never communicated direct with his chosen people but preferred to give the Israelites an off the record briefing. –Miles Kingston

The illegal we do immediately.  The unconstitutional takes a little longer. –Henry Kissinger, German-born American National Security Advisor (1969-1975),  Secretary of State (1973-1977) and Nobel Laureate, 1923-

The main advantage of being famous is that when you bore people at dinner parties, they think it is their fault. –Henry Kissinger

Never give up.  For fifty years they said the horse was through.  Now look at him, a status symbol. –Fletcher Knebel

L

Eccentricity, to be socially acceptable, has still to have at least four or five generations of inbreeding behind it.  -Osbert Lancaster

He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn’t ordered. –Ringgold Wilmer “Ring” Lardner, American humorist, 1885-1933

“Shut up” he explained. –Ring Lardner

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. –Doug Larson

The reminiscences of Mr. Humphrey Ward…convinced me that autobiography is a sin.  –Harold Joseph Laski, English political scientist, 1893-1950

Magellan went around the world in 1521, which isn’t too many strokes when you consider the distance. –Joe Lauri

A silk dress in four sections, and shoes with high heels that would have broken the heart of John Calvin.  –Stephen Butler Leacock, Canadian humorist and economist, 1869-1944

Fifteen years ago one could have bought the Federal Steel Company for $20 million.  And I let it go. –Stephen Leacock

He flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse, and rode madly off in all directions. –Stephen Leacock

I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.  –Stephen Leacock

I have known two professors of Greek who ceased speaking to each other because of divergent views on the pluperfect subjunctive. –Stephen Leacock

When I state that my lectures were followed almost immediately by the union of South Africa, the Banana Riots in Trinidad, and the Turco-Italian War, I think the reader can form some opinion of their importance. –Stephen Leacock

And who so happy, O who, as the duck and the kangaroo? –Edward Lear, British author and writer of nonsense verse, 1812-1888

It is a fact the world knows, that Pobbles are happier without their toes. –Edward Lear

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden.  It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens. –Fran Lebowitz, American journalist, 1951-

I don’t believe in God.  I believe in cashmere. –Fran Lebowitz

Perhaps one of the more noteworthy trends of our time is the occupation of buildings accompanied by the taking of hostages.  The perpetrators of these deeds are generally motivated by political grievance, social injustice, and the deeply felt desire to see how they look on TV.  –Fran Lebowitz

Success didn’t spoil me; I‘ve always been intolerable. –Fran Lebowitz 

Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork? –Stanislaw Jerzu Lec, Polish aphorist, poet, and satirist, 1909-1966

If something is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly-very slowly. –Gypsy Rose Lee, American burlesque entertainer and author, 1914-1970

She is descended from a long line her mother listened to. –Gypsy Rose Lee

Sharp as a sack full of wet mice –Foghorn Leghorn (Warner Brothers)

I don’t jog because when I die I want to be sick. –Abe Lemmons

The people have no need for liberty.  Liberty is one of the forms of the bourgeois dictatorship.  In a state worthy of the name, there is no liberty. –Vladimir Ilyitch Ulyanov Lenin, Russian communist revolutionary and dictator (1917-1924), 1870-1924

As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the world and then to get my own apartment. –Jay Leno, American television host, 1950-

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure. –Jack E. Leonard

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abe Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

A)     Writing his memoirs of the Civil War

B)      Advising the president

C)      Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin

-David Letterman, American television host, 1947-

High insurance rates are what really killed the dinosaurs. –Letterman

(To his wife following dinner at the White House), Now I suppose we’ll have to have the Trumans over to our house. –Oscar Levant, American pianist and composer, 1906-1972

Underneath this flabby exterior is an extraordinary lack of character.  –Oscar Levant

Lead us not into temptation.  Just tell us where it is.  We’ll find it. –Sam Levenson

…there must be a file somewhere in the heavenly archives marked “Total Destruction by Fire/Brimstone/Plague/Flood/Great Beast/Other” and I have an uneasy feelings that he may be about to blow the dust off of it. –Bernard Levin, British journalist

With a heavy step sir Matthew left the room and spent the morning designing mausoleums for his enemies. –Eric Linklater, British author, 1899-1974

Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got. –Sophia Loren, Italian actress, 1934-

Did you ever get a letter from Monty James? I once had a letter from him inviting us to dinner – we guessed that the time was eight and not three, as it appeared to be, but all we could tell about the day was that it was not Wednesday. –George Lyttleton, English poet, 18^th century

Nicholas Udall, Headmaster at Eton, stole the college plate, was homosexual, went to jail, and on coming out was made Headmaster at Westminster.  Those were the days. –George Lyttleton

M

“Take my camel, dear”, said my Aunt as she climbed down from the animal on her return from High Mass.  –Rose Macaulay, British writer, 1881-1958

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure. –Ross MacDonald

People don’t realize that the Victorian Age was merely an interruption in British History…It’s exciting living on the edge of bankruptcy. –Maurice Harold Macmillian, British Prime Minister (1957-1963), 1894-1986

Cricket-a game which the English, not being a spiritual people, have invented to give them some concept of eternity.  –Mancroft

Communism has nothing to do with love.  It is an excellent hammer, which we use to destroy our enemies. –Mao-tse Tung, Chinese communist dictator (1949-1959), 1893-1976

If a child shows himself incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind. –Donald Robert Perry “Don” Marquis, American humorist and journalist, 1878-1937

Thrift cannot be too highly commended.  Teach all those with whom you come in contact to be saving.  You never know when you may need their savings to finance one of your ventures. –Don Marquis

There is nothing like a morning funeral for sharpening the appetite for lunch.  –James Arthur Marshall-Smith, Canadian critic and poet, 1902-1980

I am the only person to have been blown off a lavatory during the Blitz while reading Jane Austen. –Kingsley Marti

My mother’s obsession with the good scissors always scared me a bit.  It implied that somewhere in the house there lurked: the evil scissors. –Tony Martin

Can I have a table near the floor?
Certainly, I’ll have the waiter saw the legs off  -Groucho Marx, American comic actor, 1895-1977

Don’t point that beard at me.  It might go off. –Groucho Marx

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.  –Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.  –Groucho Marx

If I held you any closer, I would be on the other side of you. –Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. –Groucho Marx

I never forget a face but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.  –Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury. –Groucho Marx

My mother loved children; she would have given anything if I had been one. –Groucho Marx

(Asked if Grocho were his real name)
No, I’m just breaking it in for a friend. –Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas.  How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know. –Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was misquoted. –Groucho Marx

Room service?  Send up a larger room. –Groucho Marx

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana. –Groucho Marx

Those are my principles.  If you don’t like them, I have others. –Groucho Marx

Well, art is art, isn’t it?  Still, on the other hand, water is water!  And east is east, and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.  Now, uh…Now you tell me what you know. –Groucho Marx

Whatever it is, I’m against it. –Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. –Groucho Marx

You are right on target when you say that mad scientists have a total disregard for the wellbeing of others.  We don’t want to spread evil; we just see no point in spreading good. –Richard M. Matthews

It was such a lovely day that I thought it a pity to get up. –William Somerset Maugham, British author, 1876-1966

Nothing spoils a good party like a genius. –Elsa Maxwell, American gossip columnist and professional hostess, 1883-1963

I think it would be totally inappropriate for me to even contemplate what I am thinking about. –Don Mazankowski

A formula for answering controversial letters without even reading the letters:

                Dear Sir (or Madam):

                                You may be right.

-Henry Louis Mencken, American humorist and journalist, 1880-1956

A prohibitionist is the sort of man you wouldn’t care to drink with, even if he drank. –H.L. Mencken

Gentleman: One who never strikes a woman without provocation. –H.L. Mencken

The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore. –H.L. Mencken

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? –John Mendoza

Realizing that they will never be a world power, the Cypriots have settled for being a world nuisance. –George Mikes, Hungarian-born British humorist, 1912-

I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I?  He never reads any of mine. –Spike Milligan, British comedian and writer, 1918-

You rotten swines.  I told you I’d be deaded. –Spike Milligan

He respects Owl, because you can’t help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right: but spelling isn’t everything.  There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn’t count.  –Alan Alexander Milne, British writer, 1882-1956

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. –A.A. Milne

Unspeakable, like a hedgehog all in primroses.  –Nancy Mitford, British author, 1904-1923

When I was in Venice, I thought that perhaps masked naked men, orgies, and unlimited spying are an accompaniment of maritime powers in decline.  –Nancy Mitford

Failure has gone to his head. –Wilson Mizner, American dramatist and humorist, 1876-1973

Never call a man a failure; borrow from him. –Wilson Mizner

To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady. –Wilson Mizner

I only die once, and it’s for such a long time!  -Jean Baptiste Pocquelin Molière, French dramatist, 1622-1673

This type of thing may be tolerated by the French, but we are English, thank god. –Bernard Montgomery, British soldier and statesman, 1887-1976

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner. –Lynda Montgomery

I don’t think there’s a punch line scheduled, is there? –Monty Python

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!  Our chief weapon is surprise-surprise and fear…fear and surprise…our two weapons are fear and surprise-and ruthless efficiency…our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency…and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope…our four…no…Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, surprise…I’ll come in again. –Monty Python

Yet, who can help loving the land that has taught us six-hundred-eighty-five ways to dress eggs?  -Thomas Moore, Irish Romantic poet, 1779-1852

50% of the world are women, yet they always seem a novelty. –Christopher Darlington Morley, American writer and journalist, 1890-1957

I am not denying anything I did not say.  –Martin Brian Mulroney, Canadian Prime Minister (1984-1993), 1939-

(Of the Russian Constitution), Absolutism tempered by assassination. –Ernst F. Munster

(Asked why he’d allowed page three to develop)
I didn’t know.  The editor did it when I was away.  –Keith Rupert Murdoch, Australian media magnate, 1031-

We are not retreating.  We are advancing in another direction. –McArthur

I would not want Jimmy Carter and his men put in charge of snake control in Ireland.  –Eugene McCarthy, American politician, 1916-

One of my correspondents has me convinced that the human race would be saved if the world became one huge nudist colony.  I keep thinking how much harder it would be to carry concealed weapons. -Cyra McFadden

Bored with your new enemies?  Make new ones!  Tell two of your women friends that they look alike. –Mignon McLaughlin, American author and editor, 1915?-

N

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.  –Ogden Nash, American writer and epigrammatist, 1902-1971

Home is Heaven and orgies are vile,
But you need an orgy once in a while.  –Ogden Nash

I would have made a good pope. –Richard Milhous Nixon, 37^th US president (1969-1974), 1913-1994

Nothing based on Oreos is ever meaningless. –Noah

The West wasn’t won on salad. –North Dakota Beef Council Billboard

Kind words will never die-neither will they buy groceries. –Edgar Wilson “Bill” Nye, American humorist, 1850-1896

O

I couldn’t remember when I had been so disappointed…except perhaps the time when I found M&Ms do melt in your hand. –Peter Oakley

Place the following in order of importance:

a)Food  b) World Peace  c) Lanceolated Warbler  -Bill Oddie

Never say you don’t know-nod wisely, leave calmly, then run like hell to find the nearest expert. –S.M. Oddo

Develop your eccentricities while you’re young.  That way, when you are old, people won’t think you’re going gaga. –David Ogilvy, British-born American advertising executive and author, 1911-

Dwn wth vwls. –Ruth Ollins

Bury her naked?  My own mom?  It’s a Freudian nightmare  -John Kingsley “Joe” Orton, British playwright, 1933-1967

In an advanced state of nudity.  –Joe Orton

It’s is not, it isn’t ain’t, and it’s it’s, not its, if you mean it is.  If you don’t it’s its.  Then too, it’s hers.  It isn’t hers’.  It isn’t ours either.  It’s ours and likewise yours and theirs. –Oxford University Press

The typical West of Ireland family consists of father, mother, twelve children, and resident Dutch anthropologist. –Flann O’Brien (born Brian Ó Nuallain), Irish writer, 1911-1966

It was beautiful and simple as all truly great scandals are. –O. Henry, aka William Sydney Porter, American writer, 1862-1910

I am a sociologist.  God help me. –John O’Neil

Actually, there is no clear way of making vomiting courteous.  You have to do the next best thing, which is vomiting in such a way that the story you tell about it later will be amusing. –Patrick Jake O’Rourke, American humorist and journalist, 1947-

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money.  Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels Sprouts never do. –P.J. O’Rourke

A number of other things show up in holiday dinners, such as…pies made of something called “mince”, although if anybody has ever seen a mince in its natural state, he did not live to tell about it. –P.J. O’Rourke

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.  –P.J. O’Rourke

Communists worship Satan, socialists think perdition is a good system run by bad men, and liberals want us to go to hell because it’s warm there in the winter. –P.J. O’Rourke

Don’t send funny greetings cards on birthdays or at Christmas.  Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed.  –P.J. O’Rourke

Drugs have taught an entire generation of English students the metric system. –P.J. O’Rourke

During the 1980’s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket so the government bought and slaughtered sixteen million dairy cows.  How come the government never does anything like that with lawyers? –P.J. O’Rourke

Even very young children need to be informed about dying.  Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child.  This will make threatening him with it much more effective. –P.J. O’Rourke

Everybody in fifteenth century Spain was wrong about where China was and as a result Columbus discovered Caribbean vacations.  –P.J. O’Rourke

Guns are always the best move for a private suicide.  They are more stylish looking than single edged razor blades and natural gas has got so expensive.  Drugs are too chancy.  You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time.  –P.J. O’Rourke

People shouldn’t be treated like objects.  They aren’t that valuable.  –P.J. O’Rourke

The Greeks: dirty and impoverished descendents of a bunch of la-de-da fruit salads who invented democracy and then forgot how to use it while walking around dressed up like girls. –P.J. O’Rourke

The Mid-eastern states aren’t nations.  They’re quarrels with borders. –P.J. O’Rourke

The only really firm rule of taste about cross-dressing is that neither sex should ever wear anything they haven’t yet figured out how to go to the bathroom in. –P.J. O’Rourke

Reacting to a plague by holding demonstrations, by announcing how upset we are that disease exists is no more effacious than sacrificing virgins (or, in the case of AIDS, throwing drug-free, monogamous heterosexual members of the middle class down a well). –P.J. O’Rourke

Weren’t the 80’s grand?  Cash grew on trees, or, anyway, coca bushes.  The rich roamed the land in vast herds hunted by proud, free, tribes of investment bankers who lived a simple life in tune with money.  –P.J. O’Rourke

When did I realize I was God?  Well, I was praying and then I realized I was talking to myself. –Peter Seamus O’Toole, Irish-born American actor, 1933-

P

Never got to bed with anyone whose emotional problems are greater than your own. –Leroy Robert “Satchel” Paige, American Hall of Fame baseball player, 1906-1982

“Ah”, I say to myself, for I love a responsive audience, “so it’s one of those plays”.  –Dorothy Rothschild Parker, American humorist and critic, 1893-1967

All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.  –Parker

Brevity is the soul of lingerie. –Parker

If I had any decency, I’d be dead.  Most of my friends are.  –Parker

I require only three things of a man; he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid. –Parker

This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great force. -Parker

I’m not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb, and I know I’m not blonde. –Dolly Parton, American singer and actress, 1946-

I never make stupid mistakes.  Only very ,very, clever ones. –John Peel

God, whom you doubtless remember as that quaint old subordinate of General Douglas MacArthur.  –Sidney Joseph Perlman, American humorist, 1904-1979

I did not suspect it was an orgy until three days later. –S.J. Perlman

As for consulting a dentist regularly, my punctuality practically amounted to a fetish.  Every twelve years I would drop whatever I was doing and allow wild Caucasian ponies to drag me to a reputable orthodontist.  –S.J. Perlman    

Egypt: Where the Israelites would still be if Moses had been a bureaucrat. –Laurence Johnson Peter, Canadian author and management theorist, 1919-1990

Ghengis Kahn conquered Asia with an army only one half the size of New York City’s civil service. –Laurence J. Peter

Women: you can’t live with them and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. –Emo Phillips

People often say to me, “Emo”; you see, they’re afraid I’ll reproduce. –Emo Phillips

(Goering’s excuse for being late was a shooting party)
Animals, I hope.  –Eric Phipps

(On defeating Rome at Asculum) One more such victory and we are lost. –Phyrrhus of Epirus, Roman general

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? –Charles Pierce

Don’t tell me of a man’s being able to talk sense; everyone can talk sense-can he talk nonsense? –William Pitt

Here I am, dying of a hundred good symptoms.  –Alexander Pope, English satirist, 1688-1744

You’re the top!  You’re the coliseum,
You’re the top!  You’re the Louvre Museum,
You’re a melody
From a symphony by Strauss
You’re a Bendel bonnet,
A Shakespeare sonnet,
You’re Mickey Mouse
You’re the top!  You’re the Tower of Pisa
You’re the smile on the Mona Lisa. –Cole Albert Porter, American composer and lyricist, 1893-1964

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?  -Ezra Loomis Pound, American poet and critic, 1885-1972    

He has a god in him, though I don’t know which god. –Ezra Pound

The devil himself had probably redesigned Hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts -Anthony Price

I am a life-enhancing pessimist.  –Joseph Priestly, British chemist, 1733-1804

R 

I base most of my fashion sense on what doesn’t itch. –Gilda Radner, American actress and comedienne, 1946-1989

(Of Edward Livingston)  He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight. –John Randolph (“Randolph of Roanoke”), American politicians and orator, 1773-1833

(Of Martin Van Buren) He rowed to his object with muffled oars. –John Randolph

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do.  The fun is in having lots to do and not doing it. –John W. Raper

A nuclear power plant is infinitely safer than eating because three hundred people choke to death every year. –Dixie Lee Ray, American liberal politician, 1924-1994

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite so satisfying as an income tax refund. –F.J. Raymond

You can tell a lot about a fellow character by his way of eating jellybeans.  –Ronald Wilson Reagan, 40^th US president (1981-1989), 1911-

Watch out for emergencies.  They are your big chance! –Fritz Reiner, Hungarian-born American conductor, 1888-1963

(Of George Bush), He can’t help it-he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.   –Ann Richards, American liberal politician, 1933-

My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give advice.  One day, he took me aside and left me there. –Ron Richards

Rather an unpleasant family – those Lears. –W.P. Ridge

How is it that the first piece of luggage on an airport carousel never belongs to anyone? –George Roberts

We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing, all-powerful God, who creates faulty humans and then blames them for his own mistakes. –Gene Roddenberry, American writer and producer, 1921-1991 

If stupidity got us into this mess, why can’t it get us out? –William Penn Adair “Will” Rogers, American humorist, 1879-1935

We don’t seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business? –Will Rogers

New York is the Land of Genetic Close Calls.  There are a lot of people here who missed being another species by one chromosome.  Look, that guy could have been a badger. –Kevin Rooney

Nobody would wear beige to rob a bank.  –Mickey Rose

Yea, though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley. –Joel Rosenberg

I find it difficult to take much interest in a man whose father was a dragon.  –Dante Gabriel Rossetti, British poet and painter, 1828-1882

My pessimism goes to the point of suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. –Jean Rostand, French biologist and writer, 1894-1977

He has all the courage and resolution of a Fig Newton. –Calvin Leo Rosten, Polish-born American author and political scientist, 1908-1997

If you are going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it. –Leo Rosten

I could marry anyone I please.  So far I haven’t pleased anyone. –Rowan and Martin’s Laugh In, American sketch comedy show, 1968-1973

Very interesting…but stupid.  –Rowan and Martin

No self-respecting fish would be wrapped in a Murdoch newspaper.  –Mike Royko, American journalist, 1932-1997

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary, and they would only play with each other. –Rita Rudner, American actress, 1956-

S

Is there anyone I haven’t offended yet? –Morton Lynn “Mort” Sahl, Canadian-born American comedian, 1927-

The people of Crete unfortunately make more history than they can consume locally. –Andrei Dmitrievich Sakharov, Soviet physicist and dissident, 1921-1989

His socks compelled one’s attention without losing one’s respect.  –Saki, aka H.R. Munro, Scottish author, 1870-1916

There’s nothing in Christianity or Buddhism to match the sympathetic unselfishness of an oyster. –Saki

People may say what they like about the decay of Christianity; the religious system that produced green chartreuse can never really die.  –Saki

He’s a schizophrenic with low self esteem.  He thinks he’s one person. –Bill Schorr

I have a new philosophy.  I am only going to dread one day at a time. –Charles Monroe Schulz (Charlie Brown), American cartoonist, 1922-2001

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. –Charles Schulz (Charlie Brown)

Try not to have a good time.  This is supposed to be educational. –Charles Schulz (Charlie Brown)

Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well.  Think about it. –Elias Schwartz

Do not on any account attempt to write on both sides of the paper at once. –W.C. Seller and R.J. Yeatman

The Roman Conquest was, however, a good thing, since the Britons were only natives at the time. –W.C. Seller and R.J. Yeatman

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens every day in the world always just exactly fits the newspaper. –Jerry Seinfeld, American comedian, 1954-

Now they show you how the detergent gets out bloodstains.  I think, if you’ve got a t-shirt with blood all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. –Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. –Seinfeld

Love and stoplights can be cruel. –Sesame Street

By this leek, I will most horribly revenge.  –William Shakespeare, English playwright and poet, 1564-1616

Exit, pursued by a bear.  –Shakespearean stage direction

We really like dowdiness in England.  It’s absolutely incurable in us, I believe.   –Peter Shaffer, British playwright, 1926-

Alcohol…enables Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no sane person would do at eleven in the morning. –George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright and critic, 1856-1950

I am a millionaire.  That is my religion. –G.B. Shaw

I hate the whole human race. –G.B. Shaw

I often quote myself.  It adds spice to my conversation. –G.B. Shaw

The world is populated in the main by people who should not exist. –G.B. Shaw

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope?  If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t. –G.B. Shaw

(Asked during a beauty pageant for her thoughts on smoking) Smoking kills.  If you’re killed you’ve lost a very important part of your life. –Brooke Shields, American model and actress, 1965-

I’m called away by particular business-but I leave my character behind me.  –Richard Brinsley Sheridan, British playwright and politician, 1751-1816

Oh, Lord, sir, when a heroine goes mad, she always goes in white satin.  –Richard Brinsley Sheridan

If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell. –Phillip Henry Sheridan, American Union general, 1831-1888

I’d probably be famous now if I wasn’t such a good waitress. –Jane Siberry

All humor is based on hostility-that’s why World War Two was funny.   –Neil Simon, American comic playwright, 1927

Baptists are only funny underwater.  –Simon

Gee, what a terrific party.   Later on we’ll get some fluid and embalm each other.  –Simon.

I can’t stand whispering.  Every time a doctor whispers in a hospital, next day there’s a funeral.  –Simon

Is that bottle just going to sit up there or are you going to make a lamp out of it?  -Simon

It looks much different when you’re sober.  I thought I had twice as much furniture.  –Simon

What time is the next swan? –Leo Slezak

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake, which was a bit of a surprise, since I was expecting some questions on paper. –Smith and Jones

You don’t shoot Santa Claus. –Alfred Emanuel Smith (“The Happy Warrior”), American politician, 1873-1944

Thank Heaven the sun has gone in and I don’t have to go out and enjoy it.  –Logan Pearsall Smith, American essayist and aphorist, 1865-1946

Deserves to be preached to death by wild curates.  –Sydney Smith, British religious leader and writer, 1771-1845

He is a typical Englishman, always dull and usually violet. –Sydney Smith

I am just going to St. Paul’s to pray for you, but with no very likely hope of success.  –Sydney Smith

I heard him speak disrespectfully of the equator. –Sydney Smith

I must believe in the Apostolic Succession, there being no other way of accounting for the descent of the Bishop of Exeter from Judas Iscariot. –Sydney Smith

I never read a book before reviewing it; it prejudices a man so.  –Sydney Smith

Madam, I have been looking for a person who dislikes gravy all my life: let us swear eternal friendship. –Sydney Smith

Science is his forte, and omniscience his foible.  –Sydney Smith

What you don’t know would make a great book. –Sydney Smith

What a pity it is that we have no amusements in England but vice and religion. –Sydney Smith

Sure, everyone said, “Socrates, what it the meaning of life?” or, “Socrates, how can I find happiness?”, but did anyone say, “Socrates, hemlock is poisonous”? –Socrates, moments before his death

My father is a bastard, my Ma’s an S.O.B., my Grandpa’s always plastered, my Grandma pushes tea, my sister wears a moustache, my brother wears a dress, Goodness, gracious, that’s why I’m a mess. –Stephen Joshua Sondheim, American dramatist, lyricist, and songwriter, 1930-

Socialism in general has a record of failure so blatant that only an intellectual could ignore or evade it. –Thomas Sowell, American sociologis

I know why the sun never sets on the British empire-God would never trust an Englishman in the dark. –Duncan Spaeth

I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down.  They look so nice on my pumpkin. –Winston Spear

Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. –Josef Vissarionovich Stalin, Soviet dictator (1941-1953), 1879-1959

There’s only one me, and I’m stuck with him. –Robert Lorne Stanfield, Canadian politician, 1914-

So this is America.  They all seem to be out of their minds. –Ringo Starr (born Richard Starkey), British rock musician, 1940-

What do you think of Beethoven?
I love him, especially his poems.  –Ringo

The only excuse for God is that he doesn’t exist. –Stendhal, aka Marie Henri Beyle, French writer, 1783-1842

He’s gone to Heaven, no doubt , but he won’t like God. –Robert Louis Stevenson, British poet, playwright, essayist, and novelist, 1850-1894

Many’s the long night I’ve dreamed of cheese-toasted, mostly.  –R.L. Stevenson

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s mans ability to use language that makes us the dominant species on the planet.  That may be.  But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals.  We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners. –Jeff Stilson

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash, it would have changed the history of music and aviation. –Thomas Straussler “Tom” Stoppard, British playwright, 1937-

He is an animal lover…people he don’t like so much. –Stoppard

It’s the last thing one would have expected of a woman who ran a donkey sanctuary-concubine to an opium addict.  –Stoppard

You’re familiar with the tragedies of antiquity, are you?  The great homicidal classics?  -Stoppard

I love good credible acquaintance; I love to be the worst of the company. –Jonathan Swift, Irish satirist, 1667-1745

She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on her with a pitchfork.  –Swift

My brother-in-law wrote an unusual murder story.  The victim got killed by a man from another book. –Robert Sylvester

T

The nicest thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. –Andres S. Tannenbaum

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. –Bert Leston Taylor, American humorist and newspaper columnist, 1866-1921

The IRA are indiscriminately killing men, women, and children, and now they have killed two Australians. –Margaret Hilda Thatcher, British Prime Minister (1979-1990), 1925-

I’m Charlie’s aunt from Brazil, where the nuts come from.  –Brandon Thomas, English actor and dramatist, 1856-1914

I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs, or insanity for everyone, but they’ve worked for me. –Hunter S. Thompson, American journalist, 1939-

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. –Hunter S. Thompson

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. –Henry David Thoreau, American writer, philosopher, and naturalist, 1817-1862

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life. –Thoreau

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.  –Thoreau

What sort of philosophers are we, who know nothing about the origin and destiny of cats? –Thoreau

I suppose that the high-water mark of my youth in Columbus, Ohio, was the night the bed fell on my father.  –James Grover Thurber, American cartoonist, author, and humorist, 1894-1961

It’s naïve domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you’ll be amused by its presumption.  –Thurber

Never answer a phone that rings before breakfast.  It is sure to be one of three types of persons: a strange man in Minneapolis who has been up all night and is calling collect, a salesman who wants to come over and demonstrate a combination Dictaphone and music box that also cleans rugs, or a woman out of one’s past. –Thurber

If truth is beauty, how come no one ever has their hair done in a library? –Lily Tomlin, American comedienne, 1939-

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs. –Tomlin

The national sport of England is obstacle racing.  People fill their rooms with useless furniture and spend the rest of their lives in trying to dodge it.  –Herbert Draper Beerbohm Tree, British actor and theatrical producer, 1853-1917

(To a man carrying a grandfather clock through the streets)
My poor fellow, why not carry a watch?  -Beerbohm Tree

Somerset Maugham excused his leaving early when dining with lady Tree saying “I must look after my youth.” to which lady Tree said, “Next time, bring him.  We adore those sort of people”. 

I’ve just played World War Two gold – out in ‘39 and back in ‘45. –Lee Trevino, American golfer, 1939-

If you can’t convince ‘em, confuse ‘em. –Harry S. Truman, 33^rd US president, (1945-1953), 1884-1972

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you don’t care who gets the credit. –Truman

Always acknowledge a fault frankly.  This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you the opportunity to commit more. –Mark Twain, American writer and humorist, 1835-1910

Be careful of reading health books.  You may die of a misprint. –Twain

Everybody talks about the weather but nobody does anything about it.  –Twain (attributed)

Familiarity breeds contempt-and children. –Twain

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.  –Twain

Golf is a good walk wasted.  –Twain

I admire him.  I freely confess it.  And when the time comes, I will buy a piece of the rope for a keepsake. –Twain

I am glad the old masters are all dead, and I only wish they had died sooner. –Twain

(Asked for his thoughts on Heaven and Hell) I don’t want to express an opinion…I have friends in both places. –Twain

I refused to attend the funeral, but I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it.  –Twain

It could probable be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. –Twain

It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing.  I used to be a good boy.  –Twain

It was that sort of house where they have six Bibles and no corkscrew. -Twain

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers. –Twain

The report of my death was an exaggeration.  -Twain

When I reflect on the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life. –Twain

The original Greek is of great use in elucidating Browning’s translation of Agamemnon. –Robert Tyrell

V

A triumph of the embalmer’s art.  –Gore Vidal, American novelist and critic, 1925-

(Of Capote’s death) Good career move –Gore Vidal

I never miss a chance to have sex or be on television. –Gore Vidal

God save me from my friends, I can protect myself from my enemies. –Marshal de Villars

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher income tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. –Judith Viorst

Parenthetical references (however relevant) are unnecessary. –Frank L. Visco

If this is the best of possible worlds, what then are the others? –François Marie Arouet Voltaire, French writer and philosopher, 1694-1778

In England it is considered good to kill an admiral from time to time, to encourage the others. –Voltaire

If you really want to hurt your parents and don’t have the nerve to be homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts. –Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., American writer, 1922-

I love being a writer, what I can’t is stand the paperwork. –Peter DeVries, American author, 19190-1993

W

Why is this true?  What is the reason for this thusness? –Artemus Ward, American humorist, 1834-1867

Should not The Society of Indexers be known as Indexers, Society of, The?  -Waterhouse, Keith

Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring and because it has fresh peaches in it. –Alice Walker, American writer, 1944-

One cannot imagine Mr. Jenkins sending a task force anywhere except to a good restaurant.  –Alan Watkins

Careful-we don’t want to learn from this. –Bill Watterston, (Calvin and Hobbes), American cartoonist, 1958-

Happiness isn’t good enough for me.  I demand euphoria! –Bill Watterston, (Calvin and Hobbes)

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience. –Bill Watterston, (Calvin and Hobbes)

I haven’t been to sleep for over a year.  That’s why I go to bed early.  One needs more rest if one doesn’t sleep.  –Evelyn Arthur Saint John Waugh, British writer, 1903-1966

I told you so, dammit! –Herbert George Wells’ epitaph, English author and political philosopher, 1866-1946

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed-they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance.  In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce…?  The cuckoo clock.  –Orson Welles, American filmmaker and director, 1915-1985

I’m no model lady.  Models are just imitations of the real thing. –Mae West, American actress, 1892-1980

I’m not a little girl from a little town making good in a big town.  I’m a big girl from a big town making good in a little town. –Mae West

(To Noel Coward on hearing they were both on a Nazi blacklist), Just think whom we’d have been seen dead with!  -Rebecca West, British author, 1892-1983

An unalterable and unquestioned law of the musical world required that the German text of French operas sung by Swedish artists should be translated into Italian for the clearer understanding of English speaking audiences.  –Edith Wharton, American writer, 1862-1937

He walked among men a bronze statue, for thirty years, determinedly looking for his pedestal. –William Allen White, American newspaper editor and writer, 1868-1944

I don’t know which is more disgraceful-literature or chickens. –Elwyn Brooks White, American author and editor, 1899-1985

If Woody Allen didn’t exist, then someone would have knitted him. -Lesley White

There is no excitement anywhere in the world, short of war, to match the American Presidential campaign. –Theodore Harold White, American political journalist, 1915-1986

A gentleman is someone who never hurt anyone’s feelings unintentionally. –Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde, Irish playwright, author, poet, and critic, 1854-1900

(On hearing the cost of surgery) Ah, well, then, I suppose that I shall have to die beyond my means.  -Wilde

A man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies  -Wilde

Anybody can be good in the country. –Wilde

A poet can survive anything but a misprint. –Wilde, The Children of the Poets

Don’t you know that missionaries are the divinely provided food for destitute and underfed cannibals? –Wilde

He doesn’t act on stage.  He behaves. –Wilde

I am afraid that he has one of those terribly weak natures that are not susceptible to influence.  –Wilde

I can believe anything, provided it is incredible. –Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.  –Wilde

I don’t like Switzerland: it has produced nothing but theologians and waiters.  –Wilde

In England people actually try to be brilliant at breakfast.  That is so dreadful of them!  Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.  –Wilde

I hope you have not been leading a double-life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time.  That would be hypocrisy.  -Wilde.

I never travel without my diary.  One should always have something sensational to read on the train.  –Wilde

I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated his ability. –Wilde

Lewis Morris: It is a conspiracy of silence against me-a conspiracy of silence.  What should I do?
Oscar Wilde: Join it.

Moderation is a fatal thing…nothing succeeds like excess.  –Wilde

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary off some perfectly uninteresting event. –Wilde, A Poetic Calendar

Murderer: One who is presumed to be innocent until he is proven to be insane. –Wilde

Murder is always a mistake…One should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner. –Wilde

One can survive anything nowadays, except death, and live down anything except a good reputation.  –Wilde

One must have some sort of occupation nowadays.  If I hadn’t my debts I shouldn’t have anything to think about.  –Wilde

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age; a woman who would tell one that would tell one anything. –Wilde

The English country gentleman galloping after the fox- the unspeakable in full pursuit of the inedible.  –Wilde

The English public takes no interest in a work of art until it is told that the work is immoral. –Wilde

The momerath isn’t born who could outgrabe me. –Wilde

The only duty we owe to history is to rewrite it. –Wilde

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself. -Wilde

The play was a great success, but the audience was a total failure.  –Wilde

The wallpaper is killing me.  One of us must go.  –Wilde

To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both parents looks like carelessness.  –Wilde

Untruthful!  My nephew Algernon?  Impossible!  He is an Oxonian.  –Wilde    

There are terrible temptations, which require great strength and courage to yield to. –Wilde

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. –Billy Wilder, Austrian-born American director, 1906-2002

(On England) Unmitigated noodles. –Wilhelm II , German Kaiser and Prussian king (1888-1918), 1859-1941

(To a voter who said he’d rather vote for the devil) And if your friend is not standing?  -John Wilkes, British political reformer, 1727-1797

Football is a mistake.  It combines two of the worst things about American life.  It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. –George F. Will, American conservative political writer and columnist, 1941-

I like the word “indolence”.  It makes my laziness seem classy. –Ben Williams

Never murder a man when he’s busy committing suicide. –Woodrow Wilson, 28^th US president (1913-1921), 1856-1924

…an eye that can open an oyster at sixty paces. –Pelham Graham Wodehouse, English comic writer, 1871-1975

I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from gruntled. –P.G. Wodehouse

I like a man to be a clean, strong, upstanding Englishman who can look his gnu in the face and put an ounce of lead in him. –P.G. Wodehouse

…rather like…one, who, picking daisies on thee railway, has just caught the down express in the small of the back. –P.G. Wodehouse

The Bishop…was talking with the local Mayor of Hounds about the difficulty he had in keeping his vicars off the incense.  –P.G. Wodehouse

Why don’t you get a haircut?  You look like a chrysanthemum. –P.G. Wodehouse

Victoria: Of course we can manage, Jesus managed.
Jackie: Where?
Victoria: In the wilderness.  I mean he managed for forty days and forty nights, but did he have a good time?  Did he send a postcard home saying, “Wish you were here, the weather is fabulous”?  No, he was miserable.  If he’d had a fortnight in a stationary caravan at Cleethorpe, there’d be no such thing as Lent. –Matilda Alice Victoria Wood, English comedienne, 1870-1922

Why be disagreeable when with a little more effort you can be impossible? –Douglas Woodruff

All the things I really like doing are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.  –Alexander Humphries Woollcott, American columnist and critic, 1887-1943         

(Of Harpo Marx) A shy, faun-like creature with a keen sense of double-entry bookkeeping. –Woollcott,

His huff arrived, and he departed in it. –Woollcott

I can’t remember your name, but don’t tell me. –Woollcott

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini. –Woollcott

Ladies, just a little more virginity if you don’t mind. -Woollcott

She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.  –Woollcott

The scenery in the play was beautiful, but the actors got in front of it. –Woollcott

The two oldest professions on the world-ruined by amateurs. –Alexander Woollcott

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet earth on it.  On the back it said, “Wish you were here” –Stephen Wright, American comedian

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. –Wright

Four years ago…no, it was yesterday. –Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included, so I had to buy them again. –Wright

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. –Wright

I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of my old one.  It wasn’t doing what I was doing. –Wright

I have a hobby.  I have the world’s largest collection of seashells.  I keep it scattered on beaches around the world.  Maybe you’ve seen some of it. -Wright

I have an existential map.  It has, “You are here” written all over it. –Wright

I got a pocket comb, but who wants to comb pockets? -Wright

I like to skate on the other side of the ice. –Wright 

I planted some birdseed.  A bird came up.  Now I don’t know what to feed it. –Wright

I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time. -Wright

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk into another dimension. –Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards; I got a full house and four people died. -Wright

I went to cinema where the prices were: Adults $5.00 and Children $2.50, so I said, “Give me two boys and a girl”. –Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. -Wright

I went to a hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape of a house. –Wright

I went to a museum where they have all the legs and arms missing from statues in other museums. –Wright

I went to a restaurant that served “breakfast anytime”, so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. –Wright

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music.  Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, “Hey, maybe I wrote that. –Wright

Last night, I played a blank tape at full blast.  The mime next door went nuts. -Wright 

Last week I went to the furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.  They couldn’t help me. -Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a dotted line.  He caught every other fish. –Wright

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting.  He was making pennies but putting the heads and tails on the wrong side. -Wright

Sometimes I…no, I don’t. –Wright

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and said, “Tell me about some of the people who were here last year”. -Wright

Today I…no, that wasn’t me. –Wright

When I die, I’m donating my body to science fiction. –Wright

When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins and then run around the mall looking frantic. –Wright

Y

Down in Miami I worked in a place called the Deauville Hotel-very exclusive.  Room service had an unlisted number. –Henry “Henny” Youngman, British-born American comedian and violinist

…prays on his knees on Sundays and his on his friends the rest of the week. ?

And So On, And So Forth…

A bald nun, a gay lawyer, and a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “This has got to be the weirdest joke I’ve ever been in.”

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone”.

Algebraists do it in groups.

All power corrupts but we need the electricity. 

All syllogisms have three parts.  Therefore, this is not a syllogism.

All things equal, fat people use more soap.

Am I getting smart with you?  How would you know?

And I thought I was the only one with an inferiority complex.

And Jesus said unto them, “And whom do you say that I am?”  They replied, “You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed.”  And Jesus replied, “What?”

And which parallel universe did you crawl out of?

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.  Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.

Any time is the right time for waffles.

A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a polar transform.

A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure.

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.

Beware of the quantum ducks.  Quark!  Quark!  Quark!

Born again pagan

Be alert-the world needs more lerts.

Be creative.  Invent a perversion.

Black Holes are where God divided by zero.

Blood is thicker than water, and tastier too.

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Cannot find reality.sys-universe halted.

Chaos, panic, disorder, my work here is done.

Chaotic amorals have more fun.

Chaotic Evil means never having to say you’re sorry.

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society. 

Confucious says too much.

Convicted of a felony?  No, but I’d like to try.

Courteous postal workers
-are always kind, courteous, and patient with customers
-always have plenty of stamps on hand
-always save the last bullet for themselves

Cruel and unusual punishment works better.

Death to all fanatics!

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Destined for greatness, but pacing myself.

Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the only person in America whose bologna really did have a first name?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Does wasting time damage eternity?

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz’, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Don’t drink and drive.  You may hit a bump and spill you drink.

Don’t hate yourself in the morning.  Sleep until noon.

Don’t let people drive you crazy when you’re in walking distance.

Don’t let your mind wander; its far too small to be let out on its own.

Don’t tell me what kind of day to have.

Drive it like you stole it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Early to bed and early to rise is a sure sign that you’re fed up with television.

Earth First!  We’ll strip-mine the other planets later.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day!

Endless love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

Entropy is the amount of disorder in the universe.  EVERYTHING you do increases this and it’s a bad thing.  Do you realize that just by opening a box of corn flakes you are increasing the amount of entropy, which will eventually lead to the heat death of the universe?  So stop it, now!

Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies.

Every Spam is sacred.

Fac ut vivas. (Get a life.)

Faith can move mountains, but not furniture.

Follow your dream, unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Ghengis Khan is looking for a few good barbarians.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

God is not dead but alive and working on a much less ambitious project. 

Go, lemmings go!

Have a “Who is less competitive?” contest.
-Trying to win will make you lose.  Trying to lose will make you win, which means you lose.  Not trying at all means you lose which means you win and thus you lose.

Heisenberg might have slept here.

Hello, front desk?  Some guy named Gideon left his Bible here.

How can there be self-help “groups”?

How can you love nature when it did that to you?

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges

I always wanted to be a procrastinator.

I am not a trained killer.  I lead trained killers.

I am one with my duality.

I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.

I brake for tailgaters.

I came real close to seeing Elvis, then my shovel broke.

I’d like to call you.  What’s your number?
It’s in the phone book.
But I don’t know your name.
That’s in the phone book too.

  I don’t have a license to kill.  I have a learners permit.

I don’t have any solutions but I certainly admire the problem.

I don’t live within my income because I can’t afford it.

I don’t make mistakes.  I have unintentional improvisations.

I don’t suffer from stress.  I’m a carrier.

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

If all else fails, lower your standards.

If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does anyone hear it?

If at all possible, involve cows.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

If Caesar were alive, he’d have you chained to an oar.
(Caesar si viverit, ad remum dareris.)

If Dr. Kevorkian got sick and decided to kill himself, would it be bad business if he went to someone else?

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah a big apology.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God had meant us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you drink, don’t park.  Accidents cause people.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?
Standard procedure is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter oneself over a large area.

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you send someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

If you remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.

I have an inferiority complex.  It just isn’t a very good one.

I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

I have so much to do that I am going to bed. 

I honor and express all facets of my personality, regardless of state and federal laws.

I like frogs because they get together in warm moist places and sing about sex.

I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven’t got the courage to bite themselves.

I may look like a fool, but I dance like a blender.

I’m glad you’re tall.  It gives me more not to like about you.

Is this seat saved?  No, but I’m praying for it.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is; it’s always room temperature.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea: they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 

I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.

It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve 

It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.

It matters not whether you win or lose-it matters whether I win or lose.

It’s good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.

Its not who you kill.  It’s what kind of cereal you eat out of their skull.

I’ve gotta be me-everybody else was already taken.

I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaningless of life, but they taste like cheese.

I wish I had a dental appointment to cancel, it always brightens my day.

I worship the ground that awaits your corpse.

I would like to treat him like a treasure, bury him with care and affection.

I write bad poetry about chickens.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean you’re NOT paranoid.

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.

Kick ass now.  Take names later.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I though to myself, “Where the hell is my ceiling?”

Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately 1 billion Chinese couldn’t care less.

Let’s get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini. 

Like High Mass without the vestments.

Live Lent in the fast lane.

Look out for #1.  Don’t step in #2 either.

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

Man is the missing link between the ape and the human being.

Mankind is stupid.  If you forget it, they will remind you.

Mary had a little lamb, and the doctors nearly fainted.

May all your teeth fall out, except one-to give you toothaches.

May onions grow in your navel.

May your life be like toilet paper-long and useful.

Men: you can’t live with them.  You don’t have to.

Mind like a steel trap; rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Moebius always does it on the same side.

Money is the root of all evil, and a man needs roots.

My reality checks bounced.

Necrophilia means never having to say you’re sorry.

Never knock on Death’s door.  Just ring the bell and run away.  He HATES that!

Never moon a werewolf.

No one expects the Spammish repetition; Spam!  Spam!  Spam!  Spam!

186,00 mph-it’s not just a good idea; it’s the law!

One good thing about Alzheimer’s is you get to meet new people every day.

One good thing about apathy is that you don’t have to exert energy to show you’re sincere about it.

Penguin lust

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t cavort nude on top of the piano while doing gorilla impersonations.

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on the earth.

Primitive tribes in northern Alaska consider the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to be three.  They call it Eskimo pi/ 

Raising teens is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Real men write self-modifying code.

Resistance is useless (if less than one ohm).

Say what you will about burglars, they still make house calls.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

668: Neighbor of the Beast

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Statisticians probably do it.

Stop repeat offenders.  Don’t re-elect them.

Support bacteria-they’re the only culture some people have.

Support free trade, smuggle.

Support you local bloodhound.  Get lost.

Take me home, furry people need love too.

Take my advice.  I don’t use it anyway.

Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

That’s a great outfit you’re wearing.  I have just the perfect hanger for it.

The best gift for the man who has everything is a burglar alarm.

The best thing about dictating a letter is you can use words you don’t even know how to spell.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

The chicken probably came first because it’s hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg.

The cocktail party is easily the worst invention since castor oil.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The father of the bride should realize he isn’t losing a daughter, he’s gaining a bathroom.

The final test of fame is to have some crazy person imagine he is you.

The French have passed from a state of barbarism to decadence without the customary interval of civilization.

The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 in The Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words

The meek shall inherit the earth; they’re too meek to refuse.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.

The number you have dialed is imaginary.  Please divide by zero and try again.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

The problem with reality is the lack of background music.

The psychotic person knows that 2 and 2 makes 5 and if perfectly happy about it; the neurotic person knows that 2 and 2 makes 4, but is terribly worried about it.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

The reason the Irish are always fighting each other is that they have no worthy opponents.

There is only one physicist to look out for at the moment.  Dr. Stephen Hawkins.  His book, “A Brief History of Time” was bought by every intellectual with a coffee table.  I don’t own this book, but I am reading “A Timely History in Briefs”, which uncovers the hitherto unknown relationship between the zip front and the boxer short.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The sun never sets on the British empire because Britain is in the east and the sun sets in the west.

The trick to flying is the throw yourself at the ground at miss.

Think of it as evolution in action.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Thou shalt not make graven images.  This is a major religion, not shop class.

To err is human, to forgive…is to err.

To hell with the prime directive, let’s kill something. 

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young woman kills the first person she meets and then teams up with 3 strangers to kill again. –TV guide listing for “The Wizard of Oz”

2+2=5; for moderately large values of 2

Two rights do not make a wrong.  They make an airplane.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Was today really necessary?

We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved. 

What a nice night for an evening.

What color is a chameleon in a mirror?

What’s the point of having money if nobody knows it! –woman in a Cadillac showroom

When confronted with a difficult problem, you can always solve it by reducing it to one simple question: How would the Lone Ranger handle this?

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynff jvyy unir cevinpl.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

When everything’s going your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

When you go in a restaurant, always get a table near a waiter.

You are depriving some poor village of an idiot.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be led.

You grow on people, but so does cancer.

Cop: You have to have at least 2 people in the car to legally use the car pool lane.
Response: Check the trunk.

You know it’s going to be a bad day when you call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.

You know it may be time to clean the swimming pool when that guy from Sunset Boulevard is really starting to get gamey.

You know it’s time to flee your country when your only hope lies with the French army.

You must have a low opinion of people if you think of them as your equal.

You…off my planet!

You should do some soul-searching; you just might find one.

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

You’ve heard about the good time had by all ladies and gentlemen, and here she is!

You were TOLD not to feed me after midnight.

You should make a point of trying every experience once, except incest and folk dancing.

Q: If all the other kids jumped off a bridge, would you?

  A: As long as the line’s not too long

     No, I’d rather jump off a building

     I think you can do that at Disney World

  Q: Are you gonna eat that?

  A: No, I’m gonna teach it to do tricks.

  Q: Did you bring your lunch?

  A: No, I’m gonna eat yours.

     I’m not sure.  I’ll check in my lunch bag.

     No, it brought me.

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?

-Open the door, put the giraffe inside, and shut the door. (This question examines whether or not you use complex solutions for simple problems.)

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?

-incorrect answer: open the door and put in the elephant

-correct answer: open the door, remove the giraffe, and put in the elephant. (This question tests your foresight.)

The Lion King is hosting a conference.  All the animals attend except one.  Which one is it?

-The elephant does not attend, because he is in the refrigerator. (This question tests your comprehensive thinking.)

There is a river filled with crocodiles.  How do you cross it?

-All you have to do is swim through it.  All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. (This question tests your ability to reason.)

Things you would never know without the movies:

During every police investigation, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to one another.

If you are being chased through a town, you can take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade, at any time of year.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

Anyone can land a plane provided they have someone to talk them down.

The ventilation system of a building is the perfect hiding place.  No one will ever think to look for you there and you can use it to get to any part of the building.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to ensure that they are assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

Every window in Paris has an unobstructed view of the Eiffel Tower.

All bombs have large electronic read-outs so that you know exactly when they will go off.

You will survive any battle wound, unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

When paying taxi fare, don’t bother too look at your wallet.  Just grab a bill at random and hand it to the driver.  It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens don’t have light switches.  If entering a kitchen at night, open the fridge and use that light instead.

If staying a haunted house, women should investigate any weird noises in their most revealing underwear.

Mothers routinely cook huge breakfasts with eggs, bacon, sausage, etc, even thought their families never have time for anything more than slice of toast on the way out the door.

If a car crashes, it must burst into flames.

Every telephone number in America begins with 555.

A single match is sufficient to light a room the size of a football stadium.

Medieval peasants have perfect teeth.

It is unnecessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning or ending a phone conversation.

Even on a perfectly straight road, it necessary to vigorously turn the wheel from left to right every so often.

There is always a parking space directly in front of the building you are visiting.

A detective will not solve the case until he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are severely outnumbered by enemies.  They will patiently wait by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have disposed of their predecessors. 

No one involved in a plane crash, volcanic eruption, hijacking, etc will ever go into shock.

Once applied, lipstick never wears off, even when scuba diving.

You can always find a chainsaw if you need one.

Unless it is the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside, any lock can be picked by an amateur with a credit card in seconds.

Television news bulletins are always stories that affects you personally at the exact moment it is aired.

Muppets:

Hmmm. My banjo is wet. –Kermit

Time’s fun when you’re having flies. –Kermit

Dang.  I think I just busted a move. –Clifford 

“The Art of Insult and how to Insult Art”

“From Here to Eternity…with no Brakes”

“Touched by an Anvil”

“The Pest is yet to Come”

Without a parachute?  This is so cool. –Gonzo

“Run Silent, Run Meep”

Waiter, there’s no fly in my soup! –Kermit

Is that a beard or are you eating a muskrat? –Dr. Gonzo

Movies:

Look like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. –Airplane

Closed on Account of a lot of Death. –Alice’s Restaurant

Do you think it will ever take the place of night baseball? –Deborah Kerr, An Affair to Remember

A naked American man stole my balloons. –An American Werewolf in Paris

Have you tried talking to a corpse?  He’s boring. –An American Werewolf in Paris

Very stupid to kill the only servant in the house.  Now we don’t even know where to find the marmalade. –Judith Anderson, And Then There Were None

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know.  I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. –Woody Allen, Annie Hall

I’ve been killing spiders since I was 30, OK? –Woody Allen, Annie Hall

Technically, sir, tomatoes are fags.
He means fruits, sir. –Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (The Director’s Cut)

Bring me a milk…(pregnant pause) Chocolate! –Back to the Future

What would you like to have?
Sex. –George Segal and Susan Anspach, Blume in Love

No, I’m fine.  In fact, considering I’ve been dead for 16 years, I’m in remarkable health. -Howard St. John, Born Yesterday

Without lamps, there would be no light. –The Breakfast Club

Jose brought up the blueprints for a new ranch house he’s building and I have the strange feeling that the blueprints and my knitting instructions got switched.  I mean, it isn’t impossible that I’m knitting a ranch house. –Audrey Hepburn, Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Why did you two ever get married?
Ahh, I don’t know.  It was raining and we were in Pittsburgh. –Barbara Stanwyck and Helen Broderick, The Bride Walks Out

Take me to the hospital.  I’ve been blown up. –The Burbs

Avocados are vital to this nation's security interests. With the communists already in control of Nicaragua and Guatemala and El Salvador strife with revolution California is the last secure supply of Avocados in the free world. We're on the verge of a major Avocado gap! –Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death

Okay, let's see... ...so she's going to make love to me, that's, that's good - but she's going to kill me and eat me, that's bad. –Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death

Your eyes!  Your eyes!  They shine like the pants of a blue serge suit. -Groucho Marx, The Coconuts

I’m going to fire some of those people.  Give me the fire bell. -Groucho Marx, The Coconuts

I now take great pleasure in presenting to you the well preserved and partially pickled Mrs. Potter. -Groucho Marx, The Coconuts

One more success like that and I’ll sell my body to a medical institute. –Groucho Marx, The Coconuts

Suicide attempts are Frank’s department. –Grace Kelly, The Country Girl

How I detest the dawn!  The grass always looks like its been left out all night. –Clifton Webb, The Dark Corner

Marry me, and I’ll never look at another horse! –Groucho Marx, A Day at the Races

Go, and never darken my towels again! -Groucho Marx, Duck Soup

Join the Army and See the Navy. –Duck Soup

I’m an atheist.  Besides, I’m superstitious. -Porter Hall, Going My Way

Oh dear, Yankees in Georgia!  How did they ever get in? –Laura Hope Crews, Gone with the Wind

I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole. –Jimmy Stewart, Harvey

I’ve never heard Harvey say a word against Akron. –Jimmy Stewart, Harvey

My dear, you’re your grandmother all over again.  I was at her funeral. –Harvey

Myrtle Mae, see who the stranger is in the bathtub. –Josephine Hull, Harvey

You’re a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff if such a thing is possible. –Groucho Marx, Horse Feathers

People all over the world have noses.  And to prove that, all you have to do is-to look around the room here.  There are noses-we have noses all over the place-and your nose is one of the funniest parts of the human face, and it’s also a source of embarrassment.  Some people, uh, talk through them.  Most people snore through them.  And some people get punched in them.  A handful whistle and sing through them, generally the amateurs on the radio programs.  Noses have been bitten by mad dogs and movie actors in passionate love scenes.  Doors have been slammed on them, and, uh, they’ve been caught in eggbeaters and electric fans.  The true purpose of the nose is to-to smell what’s in the air…  Some people sniff with the nose at other people’s ideas…One of the most important things about the nose is that it makes trouble, causes wars, breaks up old friendships and wrecks many happy homes.  Now may I go to the track meet, Miss Hicks? –Mickey Rooney, The Human Comedy

wax on…wax off… -The Karate Kid

Why are you doing this?
Because life, my dear, is more than just freezing toads. –The Manhattan Project

This aging debutante, Mr. Jefferson, I retain in my employ only because she is the sole support of her two-headed brother. -Monty Woolley, The Man who Came to Dinner

Why else should his grandfather have sent me, as an engagement gift, one roller skate covered with thousand island dressing? -Claudette Colbert, Midnight

Well, you can’t expect a moustache to go around by itself.  Don’t you think a moustache gets lonely, Captain? -Groucho Marx, Monkey Business

Oh, I realize it’s a penny here and a penny there, but look at me: I’ve worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. –Groucho Marx, Monkey Business

Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hill?  I mean flee to my lodge in the hills. –Groucho Marx, Monkey Business

What are you, then?
I’m French.  Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king! –Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries! –Monty Python and the Holy Grail

We’re knights of the round table, We dance wherever we’re able, We do routines and chorus scenes, With footwork impeccable.  We dine well here in Camelot.  We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. –Monty Python and the Holy Grail

And the Lord spoke, saying, “First shall thou take out thy Holy Pin.  Then, thou shalt count to three, no more, no less.  Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.  Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou proceed to three.  Five is right out!  One the number three, being the third number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch toward thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it”. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

You tit!  I soiled my armor!  I was so scared! –Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Hand me that section, will ya’?  I want to see if anybody I know is being born today.  Hey, listen to this: Born today to Mr. and Mrs. Charles J. Pendergast, a son.  Mrs. Pendergast, the former Constance Milligan, is doing nicely.  Mr. Pendergast is doing alright, too.  He gets $8,600 a year.  The baby arrived 3 minutes ahead of schedule, so Mr. Pendergast refused delivery. -Charles Coburn, The More the Merrier

Now, just one more question.  You see the judge here?  He’s a nice man, isn’t he?…Do you think he’s pixilated? –Gary Cooper, Mr. Deeds Goes to Town

Mack, you ever been in love?
No, I've been a bartender all my life. -Henry Fonda and J. Farrell MacDonald, My Darling Cleminentine

Oh, by the way, how was my funeral? -Irene Dunn, My Favorite Wife

I don’t mind being killed, but I resent hearing it from a character whose head comes to a point. -Groucho Marx, A Night in Casablanca

It’s kind of startling to be brought to life twice-and each time in Warsaw. -Carole Lombard, Nothing Sacred

Oh, let me alone.  I wish I really could die, go someplace by myself and-and die alone, like an elephant. –Carole Lombard, Nothing Sacred

Don’t point that finger at me unless you intend to use it. -Walter Matthau, The Odd Couple

I do not like to be interrupted in the middle of an insult. -Charles Laughton, The Paradine Case

Physical Ed?  Who's he? -Spencer Tracy, Pat and Mike

Did you ever hear a rhinoceros in labor? –Fred Astaire, The Pleasure of his Company

Making love to the piano-one of my more attractive minor accomplishments. –Van Heflin, Possessed

Have you lost your mind?  How can you “kill the actors”?  What do you mean, “kill the actors”?  Actors are not animals.  They’re human beings.
They are?  Have you ever eaten with one? -Zero Mostel, The Producers

A week?  Are you kidding?  This play has got to close on page 4. -Zero Mostel, The Producers

We find the defendants incredibly guilty. -(The Jury Foreman), The Producers

That’s exactly why we want to produce this play: to show the world the true Hitler-the Hitler you love, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart. –Zero Mostel, The Producers

This is DEFINITELY not my underwear… -Raymond Babbitt, Rain Man

She cut off her nipples with garden shears.  You call that normal? –Elizabeth Taylor, Reflections in a Golden Eye

We just won’t tell anyone we ate the Howells. –Rescue from Gilligan’s Island

If you love me, you’ll let me eat your brains. –The Return of the Living Dead

They’re not going to torture me.  It hurts. –Bob Hope, Road to Bali

I have made a discovery: champagne is more fun to drink that goat’s milk. -Cyd Charisse, Silk Stockings

I just got your call.  I-I was having a manicure.
At two o’clock in the morning?
I cannot sleep with long fingernails! -Peter Lorre, Silk Stockings

I have the Hope Diamond.
I have the Hopeless Emerald. -Beulah Bondi and Olivia De Havilland, The Snake Pit

Now you’ve done it!  Now you have done it!  You tore off one of my chests. -Jack Lemmon, Some Like it Hot

With all the unrest in the world, I don’t think anybody should have a yacht that sleeps more than twelve. –Tony Curtis, Some Like it Hot

Water polo?  Well, isn’t that terribly dangerous?
I’ll say!  I had two ponies drown under me. -Tony Curtis, Some Like it Hot

Maybe he just wanted to steal our wire cutters.  Did you ever think of that? –Robert Strauss, Stalag-17

Mr. Norman Maine, America’s Prince Charming, was apprehended driving an ambulance down Wilshire Boulevard-with the siren going full blast.  He explained he was a tree surgeon on a maternity case. -Lionel Stander, A Star is Born

Do you have anything in a low-rise mesh bikini? –Stripes

He pulled a knife on me.  A kitchen knife.  It was still dirty from breakfast. –George Burns, The Sunshine Boys

Now that was impertinent of him-to die with his rent unpaid. –Basil Rathbone, A Tale of Two Cities

All right!  Shall I kill myself?
Aw, don’t minimize this. –Glenn Ford and Paul Ford, The Teahouse of the August Moon

My job is to teach these natives the meaning of democracy, and they’re going to learn democracy if I have to shoot ever one of them. –Paul Ford, The Teahouse of the August Moon

What on the name of Occupation do you mean by saying that you built a teahouse instead of a schoolhouse? –Paul Ford, The Teahouse of the August Moon

That’s what I always tell my drivers: No phone pole ever hit a truck unless it was in self-defense. –Alan Hale, They Drive By Night

Strange how an unpleasant child can be a decent dog. –Conrad Veidt, The Thief of Baghdad

This is your neighbor speaking.  I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say that something must be done about your garbage cans in the alley here.  It is definitely second-rate garbage!  Now, by next week, I want to see a better class of garbage, more empty champagne bottles and caviar cans.  I’m sure you’re all behind me on this, so let’s snap it up and get on the ball. -Jason Robards, A Thousand Clowns

I made a deal with him when he was six, up to which time he was known rather casually as Chubby, that he could use whatever name he wished, for however long he wished until his 13th birthday, at which time he'd have to pick a name he liked permanently.  Now, he went through a long period of dog's names, when he was little, "King" and "Rover" having a real vogue there for a while.  For three months, he referred to himself as "Big Sam", then there was Little Max, Snoopy, Chip, Rock, Rex, Mike, Marty, Lamont, Chec-Chevrolet, Woodrow, Lefty, The Phantom.  He received his library card last year in the name of Rafael Sabatini; his cub scout membership lists him as Dr. Morris Fishbein.  "Nick" seems to be the one that'll stick, though. -Jason Robards, A Thousand Clowns

I never answer letters from large organizations. -Jason Robards, A Thousand Clowns

I’ve never caught a jewel thief before.  It’s stimulating. –Grace Kelly, To Catch a Thief

Wuz you ever bit by a dead bee? –Walter Brennen, To Have and Have Not

Never again will I allow women to wear my dresses. –Erik Rhodes, Top Hat

I don’t know why they call this stuff Hamburger Helper.  It does just fine on its own. –Vacation

I swear, if you existed, I’d divorce you. -Elizabeth Taylor, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?