She was soooooooooooooo blonde...
-She tripped over a cordless phone.
-She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
-She thought a quarterback was a refund.
-She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate".
-She thought Boyz II Men was a day care enter.
-She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
-She thought General Motors was in the army.
-She sold the car for gas money!
-At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius".
-It takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".
-She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
-Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
-She tried to drown a fish.
-She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
-She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
-When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
-She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why Don't You Try Nursing?
A very well-built young blond was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that,too." The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Makeover And The Sheep
Once upon a time there was a blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes and she was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over. "That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.
"Well thank you.", said the herder.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.
"Okay.", replied the herder. "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman.
"Sure.", said the sheepherder.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382".
"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?", queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real colour of your hair...can I have my dog back?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doc, It Hurts all Over
A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?"
The blonde says, "I'll show you."
She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there."
Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!"
Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!"
So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?"
The blonde says "Yes, why?"
The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Little To The Left
A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself. She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the blonde is faring.
The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little more to the right.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How Do We Get There?
A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and said, "my house is on fire!"
The man on the phone said, "Well, can you tell me how we get there?" She said, "Duhhh!!! In the big red trucks!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Job Interview
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead apply for a position at a large company. First the brunette goes in. The guy looks over her application and asks her one question: "How many D's are there in 'Bonanza'?"
The brunette replies, "None."
The guy says, "OK, you may go into the next room for the next stage of the interviewing process." The redhead goes in next. The guy asks her the same question: "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"
She replies, "None."
The guy says, "OK, you may go into the next room." The blonde goes in and he asks the same question: "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"
After counting on her fingers for a few minutes the blonde replies: "77."
The guy, in shock, asks her how she came up with 77. She says: "Dun da da dun dun da dun dun da da" (the Bonanza theme)...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Y2K Compliant
MEMO:
To: My Boss
From: Blonde
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hot Things Hot And Cold Things Cold
"Blonde" Eve walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." Eve then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work. Her boss asks,"What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos." The boss asks, "What does it do?" "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two Chocolate ice cream bars, two cups of coffee and a few pickles."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- First Flight
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cockpit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How's My Blinker?
This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Compact
Two Blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks
familiar."
The second Blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dumb ass, it's me!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Leaving Early
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know? The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,"NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dirty Bird
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper." After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It Shows That Too!?!
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Perfume Counter
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy"
"Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What the does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Turn Back
A blond a redhead and a burnette were stranded on an island a few miles from shore. When no one came to their rescue the redhead got sick of waiting so she jumped in the water and tried to swim back. She got about 1/4 of the way then got too tired and had to turn back.
Then the burnette decided to give it a try being a pretty good swimmer. She got about 1/3 of the way than had to turn back for shore.
Then the blond tried it having been on her high school swim team. She got about 3/4 of the way then had to turn back.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Cant Get Out
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess.
The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb!'"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi Gang
The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. "I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered.
"I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth,
"I'd like to say hello to Ricky,Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hard To Peel
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun. "There must be something you would have of me," said God. "Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God. "It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop." "Consider it done," said God. "Blond jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere."
"But surely there is something that I could do just for you." "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun. "Name it. Please," said God. "It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."