"The Crappiest Final Fantasy VII FanFic Ever Made"
by: Rufus_Shinra

EXT. Shin-Ra Building. A building of 68 Floors in the formal capital of the world. After meteor Midgar
was decimated by meteor and the world was saved. Well it has reformed
Mako is still being sucked. The outer world doesn't use Mako, but only the once powerful Shin-Ra do.

Int. Shin-Ra Meeting Room
The meeting room of Shin-Ra, Inc. is very elegant with chandlers and marble statues next to the windows.
The window shows the remains of what was Sector 8. Rufus, President of Shin-Ra, Inc. with his white
coat and blonde hair. He tried to use power to control the world and it didn't work. He was supposedly
killed by Diamond WEAPON. Rufus stands from his leather seat with pride. A wide screen shot of
the meeting room is shown. Liquid Snake, Revolver Ocerot, Scarlet, the Turks and a man sitting in
the shadows are seated.

Rufus: Today, we gather here for the sole purpose to kill those good ***es and give'em what they
deserve.

Liquid Snake stands with objection.

Liquid: Sure(sarcastically),we've heard such lofty claims before, but they always never work.

Rufus: Shut up and listen you reject!!

Ocerot stands.

Ocerot: Sounds intriguing, I'm in and by the way who made this?

SHADOW: Rufus and I did.

SHADOW turns on an overhead projector. The projector reads:
Objective: "Take over world, kill all heroes, and be the supreme rulers of the universe"
1)Capture good guys.
2)Capture companions.
3)Devise a torture machine to break their spirits.
4)Take all their weapons and magic, etc.
5)Use the heroes' weaknesses against them.
6)Kill all of them.
7)Report to all governments that the worlds are under our rule.
8)BUILD Mako reactors.
9)BULID More Midgars.
10)There you go the world is yours.

Ocerot: Who are you anyway?

SHADOW: Well you should know me, I am Dr. Evil

The light turns on and reveals Dr. Evil (Dum Pum Pa!) He looks the same as in Austin Powers. So the
reader should know. Evil Stands.

Dr. Evil: This is much of a cliché Ha-Ha-Ha! But those good guys will die.

Ocerot and Liquid: We completely like this. We'll help you.

Rufus: I got the supplies you need, M-16s, Hind-Ds, missile launchers, poison, lasers, and gas. Um, but
we do need a torture machine.
Scarlet, Revolver you work together for the torture machine.

Ocerot: Lets use shock treatment!

Scarlet: Gas!

Ocerot: Shock treatment.

Scarlet: Gas!!!

Rufus: Shut up! Turks! You start with Cloud and his little friends.

Turks: Yes, sir!

The Turks stand in their usual suits. Reno, Rude and Elena start to talk and they all put on their
sunglasses.

Dr. Evil: You sure they can do this? They always run away when Scott plays Final Something 7.

Rufus: Um, they won't. They have tranquilizers so we can throw'em in the cells here.

Dr. Evil: You, well better.

In the background Scarlet and Ocerot still fight about the torture machine. The two ignore Rufus' orders
to shut up. All the bad guys leave the meeting room for a short break.

Rufus: Oh well, they'll get tired.

Screen Fades
Costa-De-Sol Beach
As usual Costa-De-Sol is sunny and calm. The beach waters are cleaner than most of the seashores of the
formally Shin-Ra owned beaches close to Mako Reactors. Here we see Cloud and Tifa walking down
the seashore. Cloud starts to scratch his back of his neck while Tifa giggles. They are in their usual attire. The
sky is blue and clean as ever without the black void that Midgar once had.

Tifa: What? What is it?

Cloud: Nothing (pauses) nothing

Tifa: Well, what are you holding in your palm?

Cloud: Nothing, hehe(says in a nervous tone)

Cloud: Well-

Then a black helicopter lands in right in front of the couple, and the Turks interrupt. Cid and Barett run
out of the bar and Cid is still holding his beer. They run fast to the beach.
All of the tourists have ran away. A sandal remains on the beach.

Reno: Long time no see Mr. Strife and Ms. Lockheart.

Cloud: Turks!

Cloud pulls out his buster sword, ready to strike. Then Reno raises electro rod and Reno has a happy grin
on his face.

Cid: Shit, my beer

Barett: &^%&& the beer! We gotta see what's hapnin' fo'!

The gun-arm and airship pilot look at the chopper while Reno and Cloud confront each other.

Tifa: You stay away from him!

Tifa blocks Reno's path putting herself in danger. Reno pushes a button and a needle pops out . Elena
tackles Tifa and throws sand on her eyes. Reno then injects tranquilizer fluid into Cloud's arm.

Cloud: You bastard! If you........(Trembles)

Cloud faints, his eyes shut.

Reno: Now her!

Elena: Ha-Ha-Ha!

Tifa: You can't do it Reno, I know you can't do it!

Reno: Oh yeah, Elena do the honors.

Elena: All right! Take that you hussy!

Elena slaps Tifa and knocks her down while Reno cuffs Tifa. She yells for help and Barett and Cid are
nearing the beachhead. Cid go runs back to the bar for his beer. In the bar Rude blocks Cid's path.

Cid: Back off, I want my Bud Light!

Rude: Nope (In a cool tone)

Rude hand chops Cid in the neck, knocking him unconscious. Rude runs with Cid's body to the chopper.
Barett runs to the beach.

Tifa: HELP!!! ANYONE!!!

Reno: Duct tape fixes anything.

Reno duct tapes Tifa's mouth, gagging her. This is to make her(obviously) to quiet her down. Barett
reaches the beach, but it's too late. The chopper is already 100 feet in the air.

Oh my GOD! What will be the fate of our captive heroes? Will Cloud tell Tifa what he was going to say to
her? Will the Lakers ever win a NBA Championship?!

Reno: SHUT UP! It's too late I got them!(Speaking from a megaphone)

Barett: You @#$%^&*()! Hey, what's this?

Barett picks up a box. The box was wrapped in gold and a red ribbon.

Barett: Oh *****! You Turk S****** working U^%&^*%&^*!!!

Barett aims at the chopper with his gun-arm.

Reno: Stupid man, if you do that the hostages will die!

Barett draws his arm down.

Barett: DAMN!

Barett picks up the PHS and calls up Squaresoft, Inc. Headquarters.

Somewhere in Japan-Squaresoft, Inc.

A nice looking building. Mr. Sakaguchi and Kojima talk about a joint development on a new game.
Kojima, with his glasses, starts conversing.

Kojima: Um, more big robots!

Sakaguchi: No. (sipping water)

Sakaguchi's desk phone rings.

Kojima: More drama!

Sakaguchi: Oh OK, I got a call on line 1.

Sakaguchi picks up the head set.

Sakaguchi: Hello?

Barett: ^&&^*^&*^*&! The Turks are back!

Kojima: One of those obsessed, fans, eh?

Sakaguchi: I'm not crazy! This is a bunch of polygons talking to me!

Kojima: Speakerphone!

Barett: They captured Cloud!

Sakaguchi: OK, we'll send someone.

Kojima: I know. Send Snake.

Kojima picks up a codec and sets it to 140.84, Snake's frequency.

Sakaguchi: Huh? Oh that guy who sneaks into anything. That's good.(In a nervous tone).

FOX-HOUND HEADQUARTERS-Location: "Classified"
Fox-Hound HQ is a medium sized business building with a fox emblem on the front of the building.

Snake: Told you I would visit, Roy.

Cambell: So, how's life?

Snake: What in God's name? Someone's calling me!

Cambell: You still have that thing?

Snake: Snake here!

Kojima: Um, can you go to Midgar? It's a little rescue mission.

Snake: Mid what? Mid---

Kojima: Oh well, um I'll open a dimensional loop.

Snake: A dimensional loop, eh? Another universe right?

Kojima: Don't worry you'll be packing weapons.

Snake: Who the hell are you?

Kojima: The one who created you.

Kojima: I'll tell you my name later.

Kojima: We're opening the loop.

Sakaguchi: Isn't this against the copyright laws?

Kojima: Oh well, hm....If we don't do anything probably the baddies we created will turn against us?

Sakaguchi: Turn against us?! My family, my money and my money!

Kojima: See if we don't act now we'll possibly be enslaved by polygons.

Cambell: Well, you heard the man! Mei Ling and I will keep close contact with you.

Snake goes to get his Lucky Stripes cigars and a lighter. He then picks up his SoCom pistol. He sees the
blue portal open. Then the mercenary walks into the blue abyss.

Cambell: Good Luck, David.

Snake: That's the first you called me by my real name.

Cambell: Bye...

Snake looks back at Fox-Hound HQ, a possible last glimpse of his home Earth. Then he zooms into the
other realm.
Snake falls right in front of Shin-Ra Headquarters as it looked when Shin-Ra Ruled this world which was
polluted, dirty, and disorganized.

Solid Snake: They expect me to infiltrate that big ass building, eh?

Snake sees the front door which he think is too obvious so he avoids it. As snake looks for another
passage. He finds a red orb on the floor.

Snake: Looks nice.

Snake picks it up. The orb then glows with shimmering ray of red light.
Then he looks up at Shin-Ra Tower whistling. He hears someone cry in terror.

Snake: Huh?

Snake: Came from the west. That might be that hall over there.

EXT. Shin-Ra HQ
Snake walks into the hall and opens a door to a large staircase with lots of security measures such as:
Infrared lasers, surveillance cameras, pressure activated alarms and wall mounted machine guns. Snake
walks stealthily on the floor. He didn't realize he touched a pressure plate on the floor.

Meeting Room

Rufus and Dr. Evil look at a red light flashing on their computers. A computer voice says
"Level 3 Security Alert! Stand by for Visual." The monitor on their computers show Solid Snake leaning
on a wall.

Dr. Evil: We have guests.

Rufus: Who's that guy?

Liquid looks at the monitor and his face is red with rage and pointing at the picture.

Liquid: It's my brother Solid! Someone must've sent him here!

Liquid slams his fist on the meeting board table which rearranged some papers.

Ocerot: Acid! We'll use acid in our torture machine.

Rufus and Liquid: Yeah, yeah good for you!(In a careless tones)

Ocerot and Scarlet: Kya haahahaha!!

Dr. Evil: SEND IN THE GUARDS!!!

Guards start pouring out of the staircase and one of the guards stops and aims at Snake.

Snake: Oh ****! I'm screwed!

Guard1: DON'T MOVE!

Snake puts his hands up and drops his pistol to the floor.

Guard 1's pistol whips Snake, knocking him down.

Guard 1: Throw him in a cell!!

Guards: YES SIR!

INT-Cell 0023AB
Snake wakes up in a cell hearing a voice which is unfamiliar to him. Snake lies on a dirty bed. The cell
smelled like urine. Unlike the other parts of the Shin-Ra buIlding which were cleaned and elegant. The
prison cell had capacity to fit two normal sized people. Also he sees a rusty iron toilet which looked like
it wasn't cleaned in months.

Voice: You OK?

Snake: Never been better. (sarcastically)

Voice: Humph, why you here?

Snake: To rescue the hostages-which probably means you.

Snake open his eyes and sees Cloud.

Voice: Yup. What's your name?

Solid Snake: Snake, as most people call me. Your name is?

Cloud: Cloud Strife.

Snake sits on his bed, his face scarred as it always has been.

Snake: Man that hurt!

Cloud: I would think that with that big bump on your head.

Cloud, a 21 year old hero from Nibleheim, has blue eyes, blonde, spiked up hair. While Snake, a 30 year
old, who has been sent to countless covert operations.

Cloud shakes hands with Snake.

Cloud: Welcome to hell.

Solid Snake: Yup...

Cloud: I am mercenary-a former solider.

Snake: Mercenary, too. I used to work for Fox-Hound.

Snake: So, Cloud, let's talk. Brings the grim reaper's visit faster, doesn't it?

Cloud: Yup. I'm sad. (sigh) I wish I knew were she is.

Snake: Who's "she"?

Cloud: Tifa Lockheart. Wanna see a picture? We were friends back then. Just a while back we started

dating.

Cloud pulls out the picture of him and Tifa standing in front of Costa de Sol.

Snake:(whistles)Look at that! You're lucky!

Cloud: No, I don't know what there doing to her. She might be raped, she might be dead?

I don't know!

Cloud than kneels and punches his fists into the floor, nearly cracking it.

Snake: Get a grip on yourself!

Cloud: Damn!

Snake: So you wanna see her don't you? I think I know were she might be. Snake takes out Solitron radar and
plugs the radar into the card terminal. A guard patrols, but doesn't notice it.

Snake: Close contact my ass! Hm, let me type this in. T-I-F-A.

The screen shows text.

"SEARCHING IN PROGRESS"

Cloud: Man, where is she?

Snake: Be patient, man!

"SEARCH COMPLETE"

"Tifa Lockheart
Cell 0021AB"

Cloud: Hey that's nearby. I can probably go through the vents.

Snake: OK I'll try and decoy for you. But if a guard surveys our cell, we're screwed. So make this fast
as possible.

Cloud: All right!

Cloud jumps into the vent. He goes forward and sees a cell with a corpse of Link on the floor lying
there with maggots over the body's rotting face. The stench is unbearable.

Cloud: Wait, wrong cell.

Cloud looks down and sees Tifa just sitting on the bed. She looks fine and the cell was same as Cloud's.
Cloud opens the vent covers. The cell was about the same condtion as Snake's and Cloud's.

Tifa: What? Who's there?

Cloud: pst.

Tifa walks close to the vent. Cloud then jumps down onto the metallic floor of the jail cell. He looks
at Tifa as if he never saw her for days.

Tifa: Oh my God it's Cloud!

Cloud: Hi!

Tifa and Cloud embrace for five seconds.

Tifa: I missed you.

Cloud: I was worried 'bout you.

Cloud: Are you okay?

Tifa: Fine.

Tifa: You were going to rescue me?

Cloud: Yeah, but we need a plan, you know.

INT. Meeting Room-Shin-Ra Headquarters
Rufus looks at the surveillance screens of his computer. He looks baffled at the footage.

Rufus: What the hell?

Rufus: How can he be with Tifa?

Reno: Your an idiot, he just went through the vents!

Rufus throws a coffee mug at Reno.

Rufus: Hey you son of an @$$! If you say anything like that again, I'll fire you!

Ocerot: We already killed Link and Mario.

Reno: ......

Liquid: Nintendo. Pitiful little characters aren't they? Just tap them once with a turtle
shell and they die! Nyah!

Rufus and Dr. Evil: Yup, our plan is going smoothly for the moment.

Reno: Can I have her?

Rufus: OK.

Rufus: When? Right now?

Reno: Yeah.

Rufus: Damn!, you bitch! You're too horny!

Reno: All right tomorrow!

Scarlet: Then we'll dispose of her after that!

Ocerot: Yes, we'll test on someone who's worthy of this torture machine.

Rufus:(sarcastic tone) Poor Cloud, gonna see Tifa's body on the floor. Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!
This is perfect, first we'll kill Tifa. Then break Cloud's heart, and kill him!

Liquid: Splendid, just splendid! Nyah!

Rufus Laughs a laugh of a Kefkaish tone.

Cell 23AB
Snake watches Reno being escorted by two guards into his cell. The door opens and Solid
Snake is sitting on the toilet as if nothing happened.

Snake: Who the f**k is it?

Reno: Reno. Where's Cloud?!

Snake: Oh him! He's sleeping.

Reno: Well, tell him this! I'm gonna go have a date with Tifa she'll never forget!
Ha-Ha-Ha!

Snake:(mumbles)Cloud is going to be mad as hell when he hears this.

Reno: Ta-Ta!

Cloud comes back to his cell after the Turk and his guards leave the cell. He smiles at
Snake.
Snake: Why you smiling like that?

Cloud: Um, Tifa is okay! What's there too be sad about?

Snake: Well sorry to mess up your day. Reno said he'll come in and grab Tifa tomorrow.
You know what he might do to her!

Cloud: No! We'll have to escape tomorrow!

Snake: Wait! I snagged this from him!

Solid gives the crumpled up paper to Cloud he opens it up and reads it.

Cloud:(reading the paper)Tifa scheduled to be killed by TORTUREMASTER5000.

Snake:TORTUREMASTER5000?! Don't like the sound of that.

Cloud: No! Sephiroth took Aerith away from me, now this. I think I have a curse on women
or something!

Snake: I wonder about that...

Snake: Well, at least I have my cigs and my whiskey care for a whiff?

Cloud: No, it's all right

Cloud puts both his hands out and aims them at the door.

Cloud: Fire 3!

Nothing happened, no flames, even the materia didn't glow.

Cloud: Damn! Now Tifa, us, and everyone in this building is screwed!

Snake: Don't loose hope, kid. You know I, escaped capture just with my bare fists. See,
you don't need weapons or magic. Your mind is the most powerful weapon, as Master Miller
taught me.

Cloud: You're right. There must be some other way to save her, but how? When it's midnight
probably that sicko Reno will get her. So we have to think fast!

The mirror in the cell slides open and reveals a TV.

It shows a prerecorded message.

Liquid: Hello, dear brother, if you and your companion try to escape, she'll be tortured and
she'll eventually die! Nyah!

The camera pans to the right to reveal Tifa bound and gagged.

Tifa: No, Cloud!!! Help!!!

Reno: In addition, I'm gonna give the best night of her life!

Tifa: No I'll never!

Reno pulls his electro rod and zaps Tifa with a small zap.

Tifa: Agh!

Reno: Shut up! Tonight, you're gonna see my Eiffel Tower, baby!

Liquid: Ms. Lockheart will be perfect sacrifice for your "rescue".

Liquid Snake sticks his middle finger in front of the camera.

Liquid: Farewell! Nyah!

The TV turns off and the mirror slides back to place.

Cloud: No!(sobs) I can't let them do this! Those bastards! I have to go now!

Snake: Don't let your feelings take over the situation or else Tifa dies!

Bedroom.
Reno is wearing a bathrobe while Tifa is in her usual tang top and mini skirt. She is tied
to the bed.

Reno: So, you ready?

Tifa: No I'll never, you sicko!

Tifa slaps Reno in the head.

Reno growls.

Reno: Feisty one aren't you?!

Reno tries to take her clothes off.

Tifa: You sick, perverted, egotistical maniac. Get off of me!

Tifa tries to resist, but her legs are tied to the bed. She can only use her arms.

It also seems that Reno is at the wrong spot at the wrong time.

Tifa: Final Heaven!!!

Tifa's hands start to glow and her fists go into Reno's you-know-what. He is propelled to
the other side of the room. Reno is seriously hurt and is twitching in the corner of the
room, crying.

Reno: Agh! My groin! Damn it! Agh!

Reno cries for his mother.

Rude runs into the bedroom which is pretty jacked up with it's wall cracked.

Reno: That bitch! She, ugh , agh! My groin!!! I can't shag anymore!

Rude: I could've frisked her, but you didn't ever bother to tell the boss. I told you I
liked her, you know.

Rude levitates his leg and is ready to kick Reno again.

Rude: Painful enough!

Reno: Ugh! Ugh! Just take me to the doctor okay?!

Rude: OK. Sorry for that.

Reno: That's all right. Ugh!

Reno: Take the girl away!

Two guards run into the bedroom and drag Tifa to the pre-execution room.

Tifa: HELP, CLOUD!!!

Reno: Does she ever say anything better than that?! Ugh!

Rude helps Reno up and takes him to the meeting room.

Rude:.........

Jukes, a new Turk looks at the Reno's quarters. A five foot nine African-American who
has flat top hair.

Jukes:.......

Cell 0023AB
Cloud contemplates on what to do. Then a codec message is received by Snake.

Liquid: The machine is warmed up!

Rufus: You wanna see your girl don't you?

Cloud stirs towards the codec.
Tifa is laying on the execution table unconscious.

Reno: Ugh, Ugh! My nuts! She ruined my nuts! But lucky for her, you haven't escaped yet.

Cloud: Listen, you bad asses! If you touch a hair on her, I'll kick your nuts into last year!

Rufus: But you have no weapon! Ha-Ha-Ha!

Rufus: Look at me! I'm touching her hair!

Cloud: Agh! I'm gonna storm in there right now!

Cloud walks and tries to punch the door, but Snake is blocking it.

Snake: They're provoking you! Don't give in! Don't give in!!!

Cloud: You're right.

Snake: But that's what we should do. But we can save her. We'll team up, but it may be too risky. It's
your choice.

Cloud says:
A. Let's go!
B. Let's wait.



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