Okay...what if Cloud, Tifa and Barret discover some resistance as they try and break into the Shin Ra building? What if there were only two people who could help them with this new enemy? What if one of them never said anything, and the other is well known to repeatedly say "Snootchie Bootchies!"?

Midgar.

The Shin Ra building.

Outside and staring up are Cloud Strife, Tifa Lockheart and Barret Wallace.

Barret: Let's go

Tifa: Hold on! We can't just go charging in there guns blazing

Barret: Sure we can! C'mon Cloud!

Cloud: I'm not so sure. I think it'd be better if we got in there as quietly as possible.

Barret: Damn!

The stairwell of the Shin Ra building.

Cloud looks up between the staircases

Cloud: Is this the only other way up?

Tifa: I guess so.....

Barret: No way am I climbing those stairs. I'm going in through the lobby!

Barret leaves and goes back to the front of the Shin Ra building.

Cloud: I suppose we'd better follow him.

They gather at the front of the Shin Ra building again.

Cloud: Okay, we're going in this way, but we're going to try and blend in.

Barret: Fine.

Cloud: Let's go.

They enter the Shin Ra building

Cloud: I love the smell of commerce in the morning!

Tifa: What are you doing?

Cloud: Blending in.

Barret: Knock it off. We gotta find the elevators. There is no way I'm climbing that many stairs

Tifa: Looks like they're up this way

They walk up the stairs to the second level of the lobby.

There they find.......

La Fours! And his security detachment!

Barret: Who's that evil looking dude?

Cloud: Dunno.

Tifa: How are we gonna get by them?

Barret: How do you think?

Tifa: No! We're supposed to be doing this quietly remember.

Barret: The old fashioned way then!

Tifa: What did I just say?

Barret: No, I'll get someone to do it for us!

Cloud: Who is this imaginary hatchetman?

Barret: Hatchetmen

Barret indicates the other side of the lobby where.......

Jay and Silent Bob are standing. Jay is darting about annoying people, dancing to imaginary music while scaring the animals in the window display behind him. Silent Bob is just standing there concentrating intently on a cigarette in one hand.

Barret: Hey Jay!

Jay: Barret man! Noochie, noochies.

Cloud: What is he doing?

Jay: Oh, shithead here saw Empire and Jedi last week and ever since, he's been trying to do the Jedi Mindtrick. Knock it off!

Jay knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand. Silent Bob replaces it with another.

Barret: So I was telling Cloud, we gotta find Jay and Silent Bob: the two guys with even less to do then we do.

Jay: What is it today? Everyone's looking for us? We're dunking Scarlet, she wants to talk to him about her VCR setup.

Barret: Why him?

Jay: Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He's like McGuyver, no he's better then McGuyver! What was it you wanted us to do anyway?

Barret: You know the security detachment?

Jay: Yeah?

Barret: We need to somehow get by.

Jay: Is that it? We were going do them over anyway.

Barret: Why?

Jay: What else are we going do? Only problem is La Fours.

Barret: Who?

Jay: You don't know La Fours? They don't know who La Fours is! He's only the most feared security guard in the business. 200 collars, all convicted. I even heard he got two kills!

Barret: I never thought I'd see the day when two such reputable mischief-makers as yourselves doused their drawers at the site of a mall security guard.

Jay: Shut up! We're going to take La Fours down X-man style.

Barret: Should I call you Logan or Weapon X?

Jay: No, Wolverine!

Jay does Wolverine actions

Barret: You see, what he's doing here is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium claws.

Cloud: I never would of guessed.

Barret: You have your mission: Go forth and wreak havoc!

Jay: Bye baby kitties! Hey show some horror, Silent Bob.

Silent Bob waves his fingers at the kittens.

Jay: That's better.

They leave to begin planning

Barret: I'm surprised you didn't try and dissuade them.

Tifa: I would have, if I thought they could possibly pull it off.

Barret: We'll see, ye of little faith.

We see Jay and Silent Bob planning their strategies. The have a large blue print that Jay refers to.

Jay: Phase one: first you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of materia. I’d do it but I pulled my back out. Once his ass is out cold, I go attack the rest of his crew wolvie berserk style.

Jay removes one shoe and his sock, filling the sock with materia. A small child holding a fire truck wonders over and looks at the plans before Silent Bob notices and moves to hit the child, who runs away. Jay passes Silent Bob the sock full of materia. Silent Bob stands up and begins swinging the sock, running towards La Fours. The child who saw the plans sees what’s happening and pushes his toy fire truck forwards. As Silent Bob gets level with La Fours he steps on the fire truck, skidding past him, depositing the sock of materia in La Fours hands. Silent Bob continues, unable to stop and falls down the stairs of the lobby, landing in a heap.

Some time later…..

Jay: Okay, lunch box, let’s try this again. You swing on the rope right into La Fours knocking him back and wiping out his security team, giving Barret and the others enough time to get into the elevators.

Silent Bob is now stood at the top of the opposite side of the mall, wearing a helmet that is reminiscent of a well known comic book character. He is attached by a rope to the top of the Lobby. He spreads his coat which forms into a pair of wings. Leaning forward he swings down towards La Fours.

Jay: Fly, fat ass. Fly!

Silent Bob continues his downward trajectory. He shoots straight over La Fours’ head and smashes a whole in the wall behind him. La Fours, noticing a sound looks up, but sees nothing out of the ordainary and so continues to read his magazine.

Some time later…..

Jay has given up on his earlier, elaborate plans and instead goes for something that will almost certainly work…..

Jay walks behind the various members of La Fours’ security team talking to them. La Fours is deeply engrossed in his magazine and doesn’t notice.

Jay: Wow, between all the cameras and Shin Ra suits I’d be pretty scared about now.

Guard1: What do you mean?

Jay: See all those security cameras?

Guard1: Yeah….

Jay: Word has it that old man Shin Ra keeps a permanent watch on the whole building. Especially on his employees.

Guard1: So?

Jay: What if you mess up? There goes your promotion….

Guard1: He’s got a point. He’s watching.

Guard2: Shut up! You’re making me nervous!

Jay: There’s one way to make you calm as hell. It’ll make you forget pres Shin Ra’s watching.

Guard1: What’s that?

Jay: Snootchie, Bootchie, Nootchies!

Jay pulls two dubious transparent plastic bags from his hat. The two guards smile encouragement.

Some time later…..

Jay sneaks up behind La Fours with a baseball bat. He smacks La Fours with it shouting:

Jay: Come son of DeVille! Kneel before Zod!

He motions for Cloud, Barret and Tifa to come over. They walk past the concussed La Fours and see the entire security team slumped on the floor.

Cloud: Wow! How much did you smoke?

Jay: All it took was a phat chroniq blunt! These guys were light weights!

Cloud: Ah, thankyou man. I owe you.

Jay: No problem.

The path now clear, the members of Avalanche enter the elevator and head up to rescue Aeris and the continuing quest to eventually save the planet. But what of the two helpers?

Jay: Come one Silent Bob.

They wonder over to the pet shop window. Jay begins dancing to his mental rhythm, while Silent Bob with incalculable patience, once again attempts to levitate the cigarette in his hand……

The End of Shin Ra Lobby Rats, but just a footnote in the epic that is Final Fantasy VII!

Originally I was going to give up on writing this on the grounds it was virtually a chunk of the "Mallrats" script lifted and altered for FF7. Then I read FF7 and the Holy Grail. I figure, if they can get away with it…so can I.

All characters and locations belong to Squaresoft, except for the Characters of Jay and Silent Bob who belong to View Askew (Or something). Look guys I’m not deliberately breaching copyright, so please don’t sue me. After all if Kevin Smith can get away with millions of Star Wars references, why can’t I?