Helpful (Tongue in Cheek) Dieting Tips

You must drink at least 640 ounces of water each day. If you have not succeeded by 6:00 PM you have missed dinner. You will have to wait until the next dinner is offered the following day. So turn on the garden hose and start drinking. You must eat all of your meals in the same place. Choose a closet of your choice. You must be seated facing away from the door with the door closed and the light out. In this way you will not be able to see the food and will miss some of it. Absolutely no eating in the dining room, kitchen, living room or bedroom and at no time should food ever enter your mouth. Some people have found that eating very slowly is an excellent dieting technique. By making breakfast last twenty four hours you miss lunch and dinner. Take the stairs instead of the escalator. In this way you'll be totally non-productive for the next hour while you recuperate. Do it enough times and you'll get fired. Ergo, no paycheck. Ipso facto no more money for food. When you're famished, grouchy, grumpy and feeling bad about yourself, do what I do. Play with the kids. It's been proven that yelling and screaming is therapeutic. Remember that muscle is heavier than fat, so DO NOT exercise. Keep track of absolutely everything you can think of using charts and graphs. If you run out of things to track, make something up. This will surely take up all of your time and you'll have no time left to eat and gain weight. Perform 30 minutes of exercise. Then, while your in the hospital recovering the hospital food will definitely cause you to lose weight. If you are going to eat out, pick a restaurant at least two states away. This should reduce the likelihood of every eating and reduce the amount of any subsequent gratuity. If you just can't resist stopping at your favorite restaurant, burn it down. Scientists have proven that shivering burns calories very fast. So, try sleeping in your freezer. Keep plenty of healthy foods around the house in case you get hungry but by no means eat any of it. Remember: Positive words can sustain you, accept when you have to eat your words. Then you gain two pounds. Have the rest of your family and relatives diet with you. Remember: A family that diets together will all lose their minds. Eat #12 spike nail soup. Rusty ones have the best flavor. After losing several of your teeth you will neither want nor be able to eat for days. When sheer willpower has sustained you on your diet for three days and you're using your last ounce of energy and your last breath to drag yourself to the refrigerator, simple smile and say, "I'm not really hungry. " Your next of kin can put your last words on your tombstone. Continually remind yourself of how poorly you are doing by weighing yourself every day. We recommend doing this in the morning so that you can start out the day knowing full well that you're a miserable failure at dieting. Avoid foods that have any caloric value, fat or sugars. Styrofoam cups and plates come to mind and you can purchase designer patterns that will compliment your dining room decor. When eating Styrofoam plates and cups don't think you can just eat all you want because their low in calories. Even Styrofoam has weight and will eventually add pounds. Give away anything editable. Donate your food allowance to charity food banks so that at least someone will eat. Begin writing the great American novel about your dieting experiences. We recommend that the best place to do this is at the top of K9 in the Himalayas away from any temptation. You can use the money you make from the royalties of your best seller to pay for the rescue team and your subsequent well deserved vacation at your favorite hospital resort. Trim all meat from your food before you eat. Leave plenty of food laying around outside the refrigerator. When it spoils it smells vomitus and looks real good too, with all those insects enjoying Thanksgiving. This should discourage snacking and ultimately drive your entire family out of the house. Make your shopping lists at least one month in advance. Then wait for a month before you go shopping. Great for your waist line and great for your pocket book. Watch food labels. Then, watch them some more. Then, watch them ..... Surround yourself with people who lie a lot just to make you feel better. Then, as your diet continues not to work they can buoy your confidence to continue fighting the losing battle. If you get the urge to eat when your not really hungry, go out and run a Marathon or compete in the Iron Man to take your mind off food. Use Martian military time (based on a 36 hour clock) to schedule your meals. Schedule all meals between 25:00 and 36:00 hours and use your Earth based watch to signal meal time. Most people eat meals when their told to. So, do the opposite. Make a continuous recording that says, "It's not time to eat pizza, candy, cake, cookies, ice cream, pie, pasta or pastry." Then set up the recorder to broadcast this every 2 minutes throughout the day. Keep all foods in the grocery store and not in your home. I've found that walking is the best exercise when I'm dieting. I get up in the morning and begin my 50 mile walk, get lost and don't find my way home again for a couple of days. The effects of exposure are great for losing weight. When you go grocery shopping, park your car as far away from the store as possible. We recommend the next county. While at your desk try abdominal exercises. Hold your stomach in as much as possible. But, a word of caution. Clear your desk of any important papers. We wouldn't want to get them all wet now would we. A great dieting idea from the far east is to not eat anything after 6:00 PM on Monday for the rest of the week. Now, why didn't I think of that. Reward yourself for your successes. Every time you lose two pounds treat yourself to a large thick crust, double cheese, pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, onions, green peppers, mushrooms, .... Delude yourself into thinking you've got a lock on this diet thing by placing pictures of Jean Claude VanDamm or Christie Brinkley all over.