My name is Linda Doyle, and I am a member
of
TOPS #ON 406, Bramalea, Ontario, Canada.
Since we can't meet face to face, I feel I must tell you
all about
myself, so that we can get to know each other well.
Please bear with
me, it's a little long, but being with this organization
for over
18 years is a lot of time to cover and then also deal
with
the "Before" years as well.
I won't deny that through the years, I have at many times
felt
truly sorry for myself and posed the question "Why
me?".
But if we just look around, we realize there are always
others in worse situations. We should just be grateful
for
the positive things in our lives and just try to add to
them, instead of dwelling on the negatives.
To start, I must confess as to why I became an
extremely overweight teenager. Very few knew this
about me,
but it helps to put everything in its true
perspective.
I can do this at long last, because I am now a much
stronger woman today than I have ever been before.
It has
given me the freedom to heal a very old emotional scar.
When I was just 11 yrs. old, I was very tall and quite
well-developed appearing physically mature beyond my
years.
One horrible day, a group of 8 teenage boys made me
their victim of a mind-boggling sexual assault.
When it
was over, my life had changed forever!
I did not tell a single soul. I could not for I
honestly
believed that my father would kill them. At that
age,
I just could not imagine my daddy going to jail for
something that I felt was my fault. So I repressed
it
all for many years. The only visible consequence
was
that I gained a lot of weight, thus creating a protective
shell to shield me from dealing with any further male
attraction.
I'm uncertain whether it was conscious or sub-conscious,
but I blamed by body for what had happened. I know
today,
that I should have opened up to someone, but when you are
just a child, you are unaware of the options available to
you.
However, I've always been most fortunate in having a lot
of friends.
I was always the fun-loving, "fat and jolly"
type. Having been
somewhat overweight since childhood, increasing as I got
older,
I never believed that it COULD or WOULD ever
change.
Being self-conscious about my weight caused me to appear
outgoing, but inside I was hurting from the constant
kidding and insults. In high school, everyone
called me "MOOSE".
Most didn't even know my name was Linda.
My weight problems were worsened by the fact that I was
stricken twice with cancer (melanomas), at 19 and
25.
After each diagnosis, I found myself eating like there
was no tomorrow. I truly believed that there may
not be one, so I simply surrendered. Doctors
considered both very serious and life-threatening.
In times of need, food can seemingly
take on the role of a best friend, one that provides
solid and
peaceful comfort.
By 1980, I had reached the horrendous weight of over 350
lbs.
I hated the way my body looked and I hated myself for
having allowed it. My many feeble attempts at
dieting had always seemed to backfire on me. I was weak
and never seemed to be able to fight the more than one
battle that it would take to win the war. The large
loss desired looked like an IMPOSSIBILITY.
I did manage to lose some on my own, but recognized that
I
needed help badly. I grabbed at the opportunity
that TOPS
provided me and it changed my life! My burning
desire to lose
would die down at times, but my TOPS pals were always
there
to fan the embers back to life again.
I went for 13 months without a single gain. I was a
Provincial Division Winner in 1980 and was the
Provincial Queen for 1981 with a loss of 137.75
lbs.
I dropped from a Size 52 to a 12. It was like being
crowned
the Queen of the Prom that I never got asked to.
My cancers and subsequent cancer scares, caused me to
undergo periods of anguished thinking and made me feel
like I was going to die after I had finally become truly
happy in all respects, except that I would leave this
earth without leaving a mark. After all, I didn't
even
have any children to carry on and show that I was even
here.
Then came my greatest TOPS rewards! In late 1983,
after
almost 12 years of marriage, I was pregnant. I
became a Stork KOPS and got my weight off after my son's
birth in 1984. Then in 1987, I gave birth to my 2nd
son. But I was unable to lose the extra lbs. after
his birth and lost my KOPS status after over 5 yrs.
I was so devastated that I just gave up and dropped
out. I felt
like a complete and utter failure to myself and my
friends.
Over the next 2 yrs. I gained back over 100 lbs.
And you know what, it was EASY! After some serious
soul searching, I realized that I needed TOPS
again. I rejoined in 1990.
The warm welcome I received was terrific, and my shame
was
quickly replaced by a renewed enthusiasm and
determination.
I got it all off again in 9 months. I lost 112 lbs.
to my
new goal putting my loss at 130.75. This time as a
Reinstated KOPS, I kept my weight off again for almost
2 yrs., but then lost my status again...
This time, the circumstances were very different.
I'm not
making excuses, but my loss of control was beyond
anything
that I have ever before experienced.
In the space of 2 months, my aunt and my precious father
passed away. Then my mother had a stroke and I thought I
was going to lose her too. The emotional toll was
overwhelming!
I turned to food for solace and couldn't seem to rise
from the
abyss of overeating. My mom recovered and I
believed that
I would again regain my zeal and get off my extra pounds,
and promised I would return soon.
But it was not to be...By mid 1994, I was experiencing
several
unexplainable physical problems - excruciating pain,
charley horses,
cramps, foot locking, sensation loss, etc. Then one
day, I woke up to
find my feet and legs had gone to "sleep" up to
my hips. No immediate medical explanations could be
provided. I could
no longer walk properly or maintain my balance.
Over 6 mos. of medical tests were done. The waiting
and not being
given any concrete results was terrifying. I was
informed of the
possibility of a tumour on my spinal cord. I found
myself wallowing
in a dark place filled with fear of the unknown and
self-pity.
The final results were unexpected. The diagnosis
was Multiple
Sclerosis. I sank even lower into a new depth of
sadness, fear
and self-pity - a very selfish scenario. It was a
nightmare!
I was becoming obese again from the steroid drug therapy,
depression and the inability to do much physical
activity. I just could not visualize anything
positive happening. It was like
being at the bottom of a deep dark pit with no handholds
to
grab on to. What could I do? I was lost and
so alone...
As I am sure you all expect, I again regained most of my
weight.
It took me over a year to return to TOPS and recognize
this as simply a new chapter in my life. With my
pals' support, I made a stand once again to feel better
emotionally and get my body
healthier in order to ease the symptoms of my
illness. I am
proud to say that I began to lose slowly, but
consistently, and I vowed to become a KOPS again for the
3rd time.
With this brand new perspective on life, everything just
seemed
to be falling into place. My pals never gave up on
me, so why
should I? I'm no longer alone with my problems, and much
less afraid of what the future may hold.
Though MS is incurable, I have helped myself by
maintaining
my weight loss, eating healthy and exercising to the best
of my ability. With over 4 yrs. of practice, I am
now walking much
better by using my eyes as my balance medium, as the
normal
feeling has never returned to my feet and legs.
For the first time in my life, I am eating properly and
sensibly.
I am no longer on a "DIET". I simply
watch my fat gram intake, monitor my portion sizes, drink
my water and read food labels
with more awareness. I was anxious to see physical
results
but I had to come to terms with the fact that I must live
and
eat this way for the rest of my years. It didn't
happen overnight,
so it wasn't going to disappear overnight either.
So, after all these years, I can finally say with
sincerity that
I've learned the true meaning of the "S" in
TOPS - Sensibly.
The greatest irony is that it took a chronic health
crisis
to finally learn.
It was necessary to change my goal again,
but it's JUST a number -
a number that reflects good health, lack of stress,
and true happiness.
I am very proud to inform you that I became a KOPS again
on
Sept. 30/97. My loss this time was 120.75.
I pray this will be the last time. Over the last 18
years, my doctor has raised my goal twice to reflect
having children,
my age (47) and my medical condition.
But I must stress again, that I have never been more
content
with my life. It was so much more pleasant to reach
my goal
without the strenuous dieting. My family couldn't be more
pleased
and my happiness just bubbles over! I think I was
too consumed with dieting and weight loss before and not
giving enough
attention to those I love and care about.
But just remember everyone, as bad as things may seem at
the time, God only gives us what we can handle.
Then it's up to you.
It's not about being knocked down, it's just about
getting back up!
Thank you, TOPS #ON 406, Bramalea, Ontario, Canada,
for all the love, support and encouragement.
All the best everyone on your road to success,
and God bless.....
I care,
Linda
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