Life before recovery was a theatrical production in which I played all parts to all audiences. I gave a performance, which aimed to satisfy everyone's requirements except my own. I proffered whatever I felt others wanted, giving no thought to my own needs. Some may say that's a worthy attitude, but it was influenced by a desire to be accepted, not for who I am but for who I thought everyone wanted me to be. I used my performance to control situations, thus avoiding any nasty surprises. I furnished more than I could afford, often lavishing what wasn't mine to give. Frequently I didn't feel that I had gained the acceptance I so fervently sought; this yielded feelings of incompetence.

To be everything to all people took time and sapped considerable quantities of energy physically, spiritually and emotionally. Often I found I couldn't keep up with this self-inflicted regimen of people pleasing. I began to resent the performance and gained no satisfaction from the results.

Through my recovery I realized that I had never been happy with the results. It was a compulsion to seek the approval from others because I couldn't grant myself authorization to be me. The only person I can be is me. The only person I have a right to be is me.

One day at a time ...
Just for today I give myself permission to be who I truly am: ME!

~ Sue G. ~

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