A member asks: How old were you when you had your first sexual experience?
When was it? Replies, as follows, helped put the experiences in context by
placing them in a "historical perspective" of sorts.

REPLY 1: Dr.Joe's Data Base

I was in my 3rd year of college. And probably would have "lasted" longer
than that but for the peer pressure. I graduated in 68, right in the middle
of the Peace, Love and hippie era. Sorta difficult to be a protesting hippie,
flowers in the hair, the whole thing and a virgin <weak grin>.

Had I waited another year, my first time would have been with someone I
loved......a much better idea.

<hugs>

REPLY 2:

...18, just starting college. Similar to what [previous sender] had to say,
it was partly the times...the end of the 60's...peace activism...group living
situations. In high school I was certain that I was odd one out...now I'm not
all that sure. I was a pretty serious minded individual...independent and
individual from the word go. When I made the decision, I was sure that this
was the man I wanted to marry. I did. It lasted about 6 years.

A while back, when I first started here on the forum, we had a brief
conversation one night...you started to say something about trying to explain
things to parents...diabetes wise. I had that trouble too. On the topic of
sex, my mother totally floored me, however. At some point she was convinced
that my boyfriend and I had "gone too far"...and wrote me a letter alluding to
this. My belief concerning this is that she based her decision upon the fact
that he owned an old Bell Telephone van....WITH CURTAINS! (oh, nooooooo).
Part of me was really annoyed and hurt...sort of, well, if you already think I
am........but I didn't make the decision until later. I was very glad, in
later years, that it was a decision made with someone I truly loved. Even
though it eventually fell apart, for many reasons, we did share many good
things, too , (One of which is a son, a little older than you...who I hope has
put as much thought into the subject as you have. I know what decision he has
made...and it has been difficult to be a conscientious parent while at the
same time giving him the respect he deserves. You know, the old "well, I've
given him all the lessons in life and love that I can, now it's his turn to
take it and make his own way through life...hopefully carrying with him the
best parts."

REPLY 3:

Hi!

Let's see. I believe I was 19. After going out for a year or so, my
boyfriend and I had been getting pretty heavy into making out . . . and had
actually sort of started to have intercourse without really having
intercourse. (You know, rubbing against each other and he just happens to go
in a little bit. <g>) Anyway, he was fairly religious and didn't want to do
birth control because that would mean we had *planned* to do it. However, I
was pretty open-minded about sex . . . and figured I was pretty smart too . .
. after him "going in" a couple of times, I decided that things were getting
to risky. So I went on the pill.

He was mad when he found out . . . however, not so long that we didn't start
having sex regularly! We went out for three years, got married, then got
divorced three years later. To be honest, I don't think we would have stayed
together long enough to get married if we hadn't started having sex. Ah
well, live and learn! If I hadn't married [another], I probably wouldn't have
met/married [current spouse]! (Who is 5 years younger than me and was 18
when we met!)

REPLY 4:

Smile..first off, I'd never "worry" about you. Even just slightly
knowing you from these years on the Forum, I would bet good money that
anything you choose to do with your life and your relationships would be
well-thought out and what you really want to do, not the result of pressure
from anyone else. Besides that, "talking about" is a far cry from "doing"
and when it comes to deciding to have sex, thinking and talking first can't be
encouraged too much!

When I was in college, at one of the all-female "Seven Sisters" schools,
there was a big 3-ring binder in the library where students could anonymously
write their thoughts about anything they wanted. There was a pretty large
section there on virginity and losing virginity and something I read there has
always stuck in my mind. One student wrote that once done, she realized it
wasn't nearly the big change in life she'd thought it would be...but, if it
isn't that big a deal, how come we always remember who we first had sex with?

I think this is true for both men and women, no matter how many partners
they go on to have and how old they get. Of all the possible things to
remember about the first time we had sex --the date, the place, the clothes
we were wearing, the things we whispered to each other, the way it felt, etc.
--- that it is the person that we remember, whose name or face doesn't get
lost to memory, seems to suggest that maybe it is a big moment not for the
physical aspects of it, but for what it meant about our hopes for the
relationship, our feelings for the person, and ideas about love. Most of
us discover the person wasn't the "right" one...wasn't the person we decided
to marry and live the rest of our lives with, but we move on and manage to
have perfectly fine lives, so I'm not saying this is a great tragedy. But, I
have a feeling that, for women mind you (g), the decision to first have sex
probably has more to do with who the fellow is and her feelings about him than
the her age.

One of the things I noticed about the big difference of losing my
virginity was that, having done so, the days of spending the evening kissing
and thrilling to his breath on my neck were sort of over. After a short time
of that, it seemed like there was no reason "not" to progress to sex when
things got a little hot --and my boyfriend sort of just expected that, of
course, we'd have sex. I don't know if this is very common, but perhaps at
least among women as young as I was back then, I suspect it isn't that
uncommon.

But you asked about ages, and it seems like I recall seeing a lot of
different statistics on the average age. The problem with them is that I
think there are a lot of variables, like educational background and
aspirations, socio-economic status, and other cultural factors that cause the
numbers to give false impressions. It's a sad fact that economically
advantaged white women from intact homes are going to have a higher age than
economically disadvantaged minority women from broken-homes -- and lumping
both groups together hides the real average for each. Still, on the whole, I
think by the end of college, very few women remain virgins. But, if you're
really curious for some numbers, I bet you could find them from that "Sex in
America" survey that made a lot of the big news magazines (like Time and
Newsweek) back 6+ months ago.

Since we're on the topic and I could be too doddering and senile to
remember by the time you do decide that this is what you want to do, I hope
you won't mind if I mention that I think one of the great misconceptions about
first having sex is that it will be thrilling or "as good as it gets." I have
a feeling that it is much more of a joyful thing for beginner men than for
beginner women -- because a lot of young/beginner men don't really know much
about how to share intimacy in a way that pleases women and they also tend to
not have a lot of the plain old mechanics down. By and large, they are able
to take pleasure in the physical aspects of it with their brain on vacation
(g), but for women, mental and emotional factors play a large role in
enjoyment and if a woman's mind is not at one with her body due to stress,
anger, discomfort, uncertainty, self-consciousness, or a feeling of lack of
shared emotional intimacy, then her enjoyment can be quite curtailed --even
if her lover has the mechanics down pat. Anyway, this is a long and I hope
not too out-of-bounds way of saying that this is another good reason for women
to be really sure of themselves and their partner and their feelings before
making the big decision -- because a lot of times, it turns out that not only
did we share ourselves with someone we later discovered wasn't who we'd hoped
he was, but we didn't even enjoy it all that much.

When a woman knows herself and her partner well, and is really in touch
with her feelings and not just going along for some reason, and she and her
partner are both committed to respecting each other and sharing this kind of
intimacy, there is great joy no matter how "expert" or adept or skillful their
lovemaking is or isn't. I think maybe that is part of the reason why women
like myself always hope that others will wait for the right time and person --
so that they will share and know this joy, instead of later heartache.

REPLY 5:

hey,

now that you have heard from some fairly normal gals, i will tell you about my
childhood. :)

my mother was an alcoholic who went from one man to the next, breaking up
marriages, committing adultery and then marrying the poor schnook. i had 8
stepfathers by the time i was 15 and left home. most of that time we were so
poor that i was often in the same room when my mother and her current man
would be having sex.

anyway, there was not a lot of love in that house for me, but i equated love
with sex. so i got laid for the first time at age 13. it was not a good
experience, and not much good came of it. guys were quite happy to screw me,
but none of them loved me. none of them even respected me. <sigh>

i have been in love only 3 times in my whole life, and all those experiences
turned out badly. i'm not so sure any of those guys really did love me, the
things they did to me seem to prove otherwise.

so, i go for years now between "relationships," and always enter into them
very very reluctantly. i am sure i will never manage to find a good
relationship, nor do i think i will ever get married and live happily ever
after. i am always amazed if a man calls me back after meeting me.

i guess the bottom line is that you must know yourself before you can give
yourself to anyone, and it takes time for that to happen. and sex certainly
does not equal love. i dont think you can start with sex and grow up to love,
but it can happen the other way around.

take your time with this decision and make sure its what you really want.

REPLY 6:

Would you believe at age 32?!? Most of the guys I've known over the years
were more interested in having sex than pursuing a relationship. It made me
mad so I said no date, no relationship, no sex. However I did `make out' and
`neck' with one or two that I had known for years who I knew were not
interested in relationships with any female and understood my reasons for not
going all the way. I guess maybe I was stubborn and wanted to wait for that
one special guy. Well, he did show up. Finally<G> We met in mid March, he
proposed in mid-April and one year later we were married. I was then 33 years
old. And we've been happily married for 2-1/2 years now. I think it was
worth the wait:)

P.S. Some of you mentioned college in the 60's. Am I one of the younger ones
on this particular thread?:)

REPLY 7:

about crabs...

i had crabs before i was sexually active. seems my then-stepfather was a
trainman and he brought them home. eggs in the sheets, naps on thier bed and
there i was - infested!! i'm just lucky that he admitted to having them when
i asked my mom what they were, else i would have had another beating of my
life. <sigh>

i never got crabs again, and the only std i have ever encountered was trich. i
wont attempt to spell the whole thing out, but its a protozoan bloom and the
treatement of record is flagyl. which will make you deathly ill, no matter
what. 8 days of it 3 times a day. almost enuff to convince you to give up
sex forever. :) in later years they decided that one huge dose was
effective. it was, and i was only sick for one day! a vast improvement,
indeed. :)

these days its a lot easier to say no thank you than it was when i was
younger. much easier. <vbg>

REPLY 8:

I just wanted to say that I think waiting is a really, really good idea. Once
you've "gone all the way" there is no way to reverse it. And what [one of the
other respondents] said about it probably not being that great is certainly
true! Also, as before mentioned, once you've had sex, you're expected to do
it all the time . . .making out is no longer an experience for pleasure's
sake, but a means to an end . . . intercourse! And since making out is
sooooo nice . . . <g>

There are always the options of non-intercourse sex . . . oral sex and
handjobs (for which I can not think of a less crude term at the moment!) can
be a good "in between" activity!

As mentioned . . . *watch out for AIDS*!!!