Dr.Joe's Data Base

FRIGIDITY

In just about every case, it is possible to overcome an
occasional, more frequent or even long-term lack of desire
for sex. It is important to rule out any physical cause. If
you suspect that an illness, disease, the physical after-
affects of childbirth or a medication (including a
contraceptive) may be repressing your desire for sex you
should consult a medical practitioner. Alternatively, you may
feel you have been suppressing sexual feelings for most of
your life; perhaps because of a particular cultural,
environmental or religious background or a traumatic incident
in your childhood - if so, you should seek the assistance of
a counselor.

Depression and similar disorders, and grief after the death
of a relative or close friend, can temporarily suppress many
feelings of desire: the desire to eat or control eating, the
desire to work, the desire to be involved and the desire to
have sex.

Some women find the idea of masturbation a turn-off, this is
sometimes caused by influences from childhood where
masturbation may have been regarded as 'dirty', or by the
woman's lack of regard for and pleasure in her own body.
Masturbation is a healthy and normal part of sexuality - it
is important to learn to turn yourself on, develop erotic and
sensual fantasies and feelings and prepare your body and mind
for other desires, such as sex with a partner.

Talking with your partner is one of the most important things
you can do to overcome your lack of sexual desire - don't
suppress the problem, bring it out into the open. Your
partner needs to be told what you expect from them - in the
home, within the relationship and in bed. If there are things
you desire your partner to do with you in bed, tell or show
them - partners need to respond to each other in such a way
that they both know what they both like and dislike during
sex. Don't lie there, 'take it' and let your partner fumble
in the dark.

There will be periods in your life, for example when you are
very tired, over stressed by work, family and other
commitments or have been ill, when you may experience a lack
of sexual desire - this is a normal response. It is important
to put these feelings into perspective, to understand the
reasons behind them, and understand they need only be
temporary- worrying about why you don't feel like sex can
turn temporary feelings into a pattern of sexual anxiety.

Be positive about your sexual 'self'. Don't put off sex
because you think you're going to 'flunk' or not come up to
your partner's expectations or your perceptions of those
expectations - tell yourself you can, and will, have terrific
sex with your partner. If you don't feel like 'full-on' sex,
tell your partner. Don't leave them guessing. And don't let
your relationship become penetration- centered, explore other
aspects of your relationship: physical affection like
cuddling, necking, massage, sensual touch. Feel good about
discovering other kinds of sex - tickling and caressing, oral
sex, mutual masturbation.

'Variety is the spice of life' - to make it fresh and more
exciting, it's important not to get too routine about it- the
same positions, limited foreplay, no seduction, penetration
only, no 'adventure.' Try to recover some sexual spontaneity-
take time to have a 'quickie' occasionally, if you both feel
like it, don't lock in to the same time every other night,
especially when you're tired or stressed. Be true to yourself
and your partner - if you are unwilling to have children, but
your partner is and you are worried about getting pregnant,
be honest and discuss your differing expectations.

Think about how often you would like to have sex - with your
partner, or with someone else. If you would like to have and
enjoy sex more often with your current partner, think about
the reasons why you don't - are you put off by your partner's
criticism (verbal or otherwise) of your performance.

Are you turned-off by what your partner does during sex? Are
there positions and techniques you would like to try with
your partner? Is there something about yourself that you
believe turns your partner off? Is your partner more sexually
'driven' than you? If you would like to have less sex with
your partner or more sex, but with someone else, think about
the reasons why - are you no longer aroused or turned-on by
your partner; are you with the 'right' partner, do you
believe your partner has certain expectations of you that you
feel you cannot fulfill?

If you are troubled by work hassles, by finances or by
family, try to resolve these problems or discuss them with
your partner or at least put them at the back of your mind
before taking them to bed with you. If you believe you are
lesbian, unhappy with your present relationship and would
prefer a lesbian lifestyle, don't suppress it, seek
counseling from lesbian support agencies.

Some women, who are in a heterosexual relationship and are
genuinely in love with their partner and lifestyle, and who
often have sexual fantasies about women when they masturbate
or have sex with their partner, do not necessarily want to
adopt a lesbian lifestyle or have female lovers. A problem
arises for these women (and their partners) if their
fantasies intrude into their relationship and affect sex
with, or desire for, their partner, of if the woman pursues
relationships with other women. Sometimes guilt about
suppressed or concealed sexual yearnings, experimentation or
extramarital affairs can lead you to be unresponsive to your
present partner.

Once you've thought about these issues and your needs and
wants, you should discuss them with your partner or, if you
feel that's not possible, with a trusted friend or
professional counselor or sex therapist.

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