Dr.Joe's Data Base

Understanding Male Sexuality:
All the Information you Did Not Learn From your Parents, Your Friends or in Your
High School Sex Education Class!
Preface
This information is intended for those who wish to learn more about male
sexuality--particularly information about topics that are considered to be too
complicated, controversial or perhaps too embarrassing to discuss. The topics
discussed here are loosely based on my responses to several hundred e-mail
questions that have dealt with a variety of complicated but interesting issues
related to male sexuality.
Basic Plumbing and Electrical
A suitable starting point is to begin with a discussion of how the basic
plumbing and electrical system of male sexuality works. The plumbing and
electrical system is complex, but very well designed for its purpose. Medical
doctors refer to the electrical system consisting of the portions of the brain
governing male sexual response and the associated nerve system as the limbic
system. This electrical system connected to the plumbing system--a series of
arteries and veins that control the inflow and outflow of blood to and from the
penis, and also is connected via nerves to assorted glands.
Arousal, Erection and Ejaculation
Men often tend to consider these together, but, in reality they are separate but
interrelated events, although ultimately related to each other. Any of these
events can occur in the absence of the others
The Arousal Mechanism
Suppose that a man encounters something that excites him sexually. (more about
what this might be later on). What happens? First, of course, messages are
transmitted to the portion of the brain dedicated to sexual response. The man
says to himself "I'm turned on" which is slang for sexual arousal. Many men
believe that sexual arousal is always accompanied by an erection, but this is
not necessarily the case at this first stage. The experience of being aroused is
followed by electrical signals to two tiny glands that lie along the sides of
the urethra where the tube that leads from the bladder through the tip of the
penis. These two glands, called the Cowper's glands, are located inside the body
directly above a point behind the scrotum called the perineum.
These little-recognized glands play a role in the male sexual response. They are
primarily responsible for the production of glistening drops of a clear,
slippery fluid sometimes called pre-ejaculate, but known also in slang as "ooze"
or "precum". For many men, if not most, the first physical indication of sexual
arousal is the formation of a drop or two of this fluid at the tip of the penis,
even before erection occurs. Some men believe that when this fluid appears, they
are already starting to leak ejaculate but this is not the case. This fluid acts
as a lubricant for sperm and semen and lubricates the tip of the penis in sexual
intercourse. It's pH level is quite high and it is very slippery. Research
suggests that the high pH may help decrease the acidity of the vagina, thereby
increasing the chance that the sperm will be able to fertilize the egg. Nature
is very creative; it thinks of everything. Nature is at its very best when
creating systems to ensure the continuation of the species, and the human system
is one of its best and most elaborate efforts. The sexual arousal section of the
brain sends signals to the cowper's glands (sometimes called the bulbourethral
glands) telling them go into action. This is an automatic result of
sexually-exciting stimuli, and thus outside of conscious control: the only way
to stop it's production is to avoid the stimulus that is causing the sexual
arousal.
These glands are present in many other mammals including the common livestock
species. An internet resource dealing with the reproductive system of bulls, for
example, indicates that the cowper's gland also secretes a similar clear fluid
which is produced (and drips off the end of the bull's penis) during initial
sexual arousal! Again, a function of the fluid is to reduce the acidity of the
urethra, increasing the chance that sperm will survive.
A number of other things happen during the early stages of sexual arousal. First
the man suddenly feels very good, psychologically. During arousal, the brain is
flooded with natural chemicals that act similarly to drugs such as cocaine.
These natural chemicals, called endorphins, make the man say to himself that
whatever is causing the sexual arousal is very enjoyable and should be
continued. If the sexual response is the result of observing another person, the
man may make an effort to meet the other person involved.
Nature protects itself here and is very cunning. Nature's goal is to continue
the species. If this is to occur, it's important that sexually attractive mates
elicit a response that maximizes the chance that the two people involved will
become better acquainted and perhaps eventually engage in sexual intercourse.
(In case you were wondering, the arousal mechanism works identically for gay
males, but the object of the sexual attraction here, is, of course, another
male.)
Most men will produce pre-ejaculate when anything found to be sexually exciting
occurs, perhaps even reading a sexually explicit story or watching a sexually
explicit movie. The reason erotic books and videos sell well is because it often
elicits this response in men along with feelings of psychological well-being,
whether or not they have erections ultimately result in orgasm.
There is no limit to the length of time that a man can be aroused, and
throughout the man can continue to produce drops of pre-ejaculate. Pre-
ejaculate may, of occasion, contain some sperm, and a woman can become pregnant
even if actual orgasm and ejaculation does not take place. That is rare,
although there are cases of this happening.
Erection
Normally, however, arousal is followed by erection. An erection of the penis
occurs as the spongy tissues of the penis are engorged with blood. There is one
large primary artery responsible for blood flow into the penis, but several
veins that drain the penis of blood. When an erection is not happening, the
inflow of blood and the outflow is maintained in balance and the penis remains
flaccid. The valves (actually flaps, according to medical experts) that control
the flow of blood, however, are opened and closed by nerves that run through the
spinal cord to the brain. During erection, blood flows into the penis and holes
in the spongy tissue in the penis fill with blood. At the same time, flaps in
the veins leading out of the penis enlarge, cutting off the drainage. As a
result, the penis fills with blood. As more and more blood flows in than out,
the penis enlarges and becomes harder. Finally, veins in the penis are
compressed from the increasing pressure from the erection itself. Not only that,
the heart rate and blood pressure increase, the pressure of blood into the penis
increases, keeping the penis the hardest.
What can go wrong with the plumbing system? Several things. Those with spinal
cord injuries are frequently unable to attain an erection because the nerves
that control the valves in the veins and arteries have been severed. If these
valves cannot be opened and closed an erection is impossible. As a man ages, the
valves (flaps) controlling the veins that must be shut off may leak a bit, and
not prevent the outflow of blood. And the blood flow into the penis may be
restricted.
Also, as a man ages, the main penis artery may fill with sludge, reducing blood
inflow. Smoking may contribute to this, as it does to the buildup of sludge in
other portions of the circulatory system. Furthermore, alcohol use may decrease
the ability of the nervous system to close off the necessary valves. That's why
intoxicated men often cannot get and maintain an erection. Bicycle and other
injuries to the groin area can be dangerous in that the main artery controlling
blood flow to the penis may be squeezed shut, making a firm erection difficult
or even impossible.
The size of the erection may be relatively unrelated to the size of the
non-erect penis. Typically, those with smaller penises tend to enlarge to a
greater degree when erect, so the differences in the size of the erect penis may
not be that great. According to the book "Man's Body," the average flaccid penis
is about 3 3/4 inches long with most falling between 3 1/4 and 4 1/4 inches,
though a few fall outside this range. The average erect penis is 6 1/4 inches,
with most between 5 and 7 inches, though a few are smaller and larger.A somewhat
tongue in cheek primary data survey is at How Do you Measure Up?
A Newsweek article (September 16, 1996, p. 73) reported American Geriatric
Society average data on the angle of erection from horizontal of the erect penis
by age. The data are as follows:
    AgeAngle
   2010 degrees up from horizontal
   3020 degrees up from horizontal
   40 1 degree up from horizontal
   50 1 degree down from horizontal
   7025 degrees down from horizontal
 
I wonder how data like these are collected!
An article in Men's Health Magazine (June, 1996) indicates that these data are
overly optimistic, and that the average erect penis length now widely accepted
by doctors is 5.1 inches. This seems a bit short to me, at least for an average
number, but if these data become widely known, most men may be happy to find out
that they are "above average." Part of the problem is that scientific data on
this is difficult to collect by other parties, and men, if they measure
themselves in private, are perhaps sometimes prone to brag a bit. Furthermore,
erect penis length varies with the degree of erection.
Past puberty, in the teen years, and perhaps during the twenties, it is possible
to get a full erection without any manual stimulation at all. As men age beyond
the 20s, this occurs less and less frequently and increasingly some manual
manipulation of the penis is needed. As the penis becomes increasingly erect,
the nerve endings located there gradually become more and more sensitive to
touch. In general, the harder the penis can become, the more pleasant the
sensations from the touch. Other physiological changes occur. As the erection
grows, the heart and breathing rate increases. During the initial stages of
arousal, before erection occurs, the testicles and scrotum feel quite large and
soft, and are very sensitive to touch. Gentle pressure on the testicles with the
fingertips produces particularly pleasant sensations. As the erection proceeds,
the testicles change as well, increasing in size by up to 50% as they also fill
with blood. The become harder and are drawn up to the body as the point of
ejaculation becomes nearer and nearer.
Many men think that an erection must ordinarily proceed to an orgasm and
ejaculation, but this is not necessarily so. By repeatedly massaging and then
stopping the manual stimulation of the penis, a man can go through many erection
cycles that do not necessary need to lead directly to orgasm. With each cycle,
often the man can learn to take a bit more stimulation without ejaculating.
Research indicates that stimulation of the septum, a portion of the brain known
to be a part of the limbic system, results in the feeling of an orgasm, but this
stimulation produces neither an erection nor ejaculation. These findings support
the theory that ejaculation and orgasm, though often linked together, are,
indeed, separate events. Interestingly, this research finding also lends
credence to the theories of those authors who advocate the view that men can
learn to have multiple, closely-spaced, orgasms.
Learning how to achieve an erection just below the level which will lead to
ejaculation is an important part of sexual enjoyment. It is important for the
man to learn how to read his body's signals that orgasm and ejaculation are
near. Psychologists call the point where the man can no longer delay orgasm the
"point of inevitability" There are several physical indications. First, the hole
in the tip of the penis will become more slit-like. Precum production will stop.
Generally if the fluid at the tip of the penis becomes milky, the point of
inevitability is already past.
Learning how to lengthen the arousal and erection period while delaying orgasm
is an important part of maximizing enjoyment from sex. As the erection proceeds,
the physical sensations become increasingly more and more exciting, and the
psychological pressure to ejaculate becomes more and more intense. The trick is
to lean to keep the stimulation just below the level required for ejaculation
while learning to deal with the increasing psychological pressure to ejaculate.
Like driving a racing car closer and closer to a wall at ever high speeds, the
psychological pleasure becomes more and more intense, the longer the arousal can
be maintained without ejaculation, but the greater the enjoyment for the man.
Furthermore, the longer this stage can be maintained, the more powerful and
enjoyable the orgasm will be for the man. Thus, developing skills for doing this
and dealing with the psychological desire to ejaculate for as long as possible
are essential for the full enjoyment of partner (and solo) sex, and this is what
requires practice. Women usually require a somewhat longer period of time to
become fully aroused, so being able to delay orgasm potentially increases the
enjoyment of sex by both partners.
Many women believe that men are happier the more frequently they can have
intercourse. This is not really accurate. What men truly enjoy is being aroused
with their partner (and as their partner is also aroused) while both remain in
an aroused state for a long period of time, delaying orgasm for as long as is
comfortable and possible. A continuing theme of the story lines in erotic
literature is a situation in which the woman arouses the man and keep him for a
long time at a level just below what is needed to achieve an orgasm. It's
important in achieving marital happiness for women to learn how to do this for
their husbands,
All of the sections of the erect penis are not equally sensitive. Thus, by
varying locations being stimulated, the man can perhaps delay orgasm.
Stimulation of the base of the penis, near the body, while pleasant, normally
will not be sufficient to achieve orgasm. The underside of the tip of the penis,
called the frenulum, is very sensitive to manual stimulation. If this area of
the erect penis is stimulated very much, an orgasm (and ejaculation) will occur
almost immediately. Thus it is important to not stimulate this region, at least
not until late in the sex play.
There is a reason for this. During intercourse, when the man's penis is fully
inside the woman's body, the tip of the penis will touch the cervix at the end
of the vagina. Unless the man is deep inside the woman, the vagina is simply a
hollow tube, and the tip of the penis is not touched. By ensuring that the
orgasm takes place almost precisely when the tip of the penis comes in contact
with the cervix, the sperm will have the shortest distance to travel to reach
the waiting egg. Thus, a man's "reward" for placing the semen in the location
that will maximize the chance that the woman gets pregnant (and the species
continues) is the pleasant sensations that occur when the tip of the penis
touches the cervix. In sex play, the man can reproduce these pleasant feelings
outside of intercourse by touching the tip, particularly the underside of the
tip, although orgasm and ejaculation will likely follow almost immediately.
Because of the sensitivity and pleasant sensations, the frenulum is often
referred to as the "male G spot."
A significant portion of the penis, perhaps one- third to one-half of it, lies
inside the body. This portion of the penis also responds to manual stimulation.
It can be felt and externally massaged at a spot called the perineum area, which
is directly behind the base of the scrotum. This is a little-recognized but
highly spot on the male body. This spot is sometimes referred to as the "second
male G spot" though many men are not even aware that it is a sexually sensitive
area of the body In addition to the possibility of externally massaging the
interior portion of the erect penis, a bundle of nerves terminate here, and the
main artery that is responsible for providing blood for erections runs through
this area. That is why bicycle injuries may lead to impotency. Surgeons are
becoming increasingly talented in repairing damage to this artery. In addition,
inside, but directly above this area lies the cowper's (bulbourethral) glands,
and it is likely that external massage of this area will to a certain degree
stimulate these glands.
The prostate is a little further up, but close by. A have heard varying opinions
as to whether it is possible to externally massage the prostate by touching the
perineum area, but I believe it is possible. Massaging the prostate, a
walnut-size gland responsible for secreting most of the liquid contained in
semen can be very pleasant, and some men do this by inserting a gloved finger
directly inside the rectum, as the gland is located only about an inch inside.
Orgasm and Ejaculation
With practice, a man can learn a degree of control over the point when he
proceeds to orgasm and ejaculation. Some men believe that male orgasm invariably
results in ejaculation, but this is not entirely true. Some men have learned
techniques for having multiple orgasms without ejaculating. Many of these
techniques involving squeezing of the urethra such that the semen is not allowed
to leave the body. To me, this sounds potentially painful and perhaps even
dangerous.
As indicated earlier, as the point of orgasm approaches, pre-ejaculate
production will normally stop, and the hole in the tip of the penis becomes
slit-like. The testicles become hard and are drawn up near the body in
preparation. Breathing becomes heavier, and there may be involuntary
contractions of major muscles (convulsions) throughout the body.
Finally, the psychological and physical pressure to ejaculate is released in a
series of muscular contractions, usually about 8 major contractions spaced a
second or so apart, followed perhaps by several smaller ones that can last 45
seconds or so. In essence, a pump has swung into action. Technically an orgasm
is similar to a sneeze in that it involves a series of involuntary muscle
contractions in response to an "irritation," though, of course, it is usually a
good deal more fun. Semen consist of a mixture of sperm from the testicles and
primarily fluid from the seminal vesicles and prostate gland, but also contains
smaller amounts of other fluids secreted from glands along the urethra. Often
the sperm is not very well mixed with the other liquids making the semen appear
to have patches of cloudy and clear areas, and has about the same consistency as
liquid dish washing detergent. (Somehow, I think of that every time I start my
dishwasher!) Semen is usually creamy white in color.
Once the orgasm is complete, the valves which maintained the erection are
opened, and the penis is drained of blood so that within a space of a few
minutes it has returned to its flaccid state.
He Dribbles! He Shoots!
Generally the more frequently a man has an ejaculation, the less force that
ejaculation will have. This results in a shorter shooting distance. Most of the
differences, however, appear to be both genetic and age-related. Some men are
able to shoot longer distances than other men, and younger men tend to have
greater force of ejaculation then older men. The book "Man's Body" indicates
that after prolonged abstinence - more than three days - a man may be able to
shoot 3 feet or more, but the average is 7 to 10 inches with more frequent
ejaculation. If one is able to ejaculate two to three hours after his previous
ejaculation, the semen just dribbles out. The ability to shoot long distances
not only declines generally with age, but probably varies somewhat according to
the hardness of the erection, too.
There is also a wide variation in semen production, also according to the book
"Man's Body", ranging from 0.2 ml to 6.6 ml.This same book notes that 3.5 ml is
average after a few days without ejaculation--about a teaspoonful--while 13 ml
has been recorded after prolonged abstinence. So this must be judged in
relationship to the frequency of ejaculation.There is undoubtedly normal genetic
variation as well. Interestingly, most of he fluid--60 percent on average, comes
from glands called the seminal vesicles, whereas 38 % comes from the prostate,
with the remainder from glands such as the cowper's. The prostate contribution
is responsible for the characteristic odor. The fluid from the seminal vescicles
is high in fructose, a type of natually-occuring sugar, which provides primary
nourishment for the sperm in their travels.
Frequency of Ejaculation
According to a number of studies, Many post- pubescent young men report daily
ejaculation, if not more frequently than that. This frequency gradually declines
for most males to 2-3 time per week which is typical of men in their forties.
But there is still considerable variation among adult men of a given age.
The same Newsweek article cited earlier reports the following data on "average"
frequency of orgasm per year by age. These data appear 'conservative' to me, but
perhaps that is good if nearly all men, like the children in the mythical
Minnesota town, are "above average." Anyway, here is the data :
    Age Frequency 
  20 104 orgasms per year
  30 121 orgasms per year
  40   84 orgasms per year
  50   52 orgasms per year
  60   35 orgasms per year
  70   22 orgasms per year

I wonder how many 20-year old men are content to "survive" on an average of
fewer than 3 orgasms per week! Most older men should feel pretty good about
their frequency of orgasm, based on these data!
Up or Down?
Endless discussions have been taking place on the internet newsgroups with
respect to the "best" position to wear the penis--that is, pointing either up or
down. Obviously, it would be difficult if not impossible to wear the penis in an
up position while wearing loose-fitting boxer shorts, but closer fitting briefs
allow that as a possibility. Each side in the discussions has its advocates.
(There are even a few men who prefer a position "to one side or another". These
men appear to have distinct preferences for either pointing right or pointing
left, but not both.) The underside of the penis,that is, the outer side when
pointed up, is generally more sensitive to the touch. For some men, the
sensation of cloth across the underside of the penis is sufficient to sustain a
slight erection and the penis produces a larger "bulge" which might be
"inadvertently" touched in the up position.
Many people wonder why male ballet dancers as a group appear to be so amply
endowed. Part of the answer is that the penis is positioned in an "up" position.
It is also not widely known that male ballet dancers wear a garment called a
"dance belt" which is similar to an athletic supporter but holds the penis in
the up position. Some of these belts are padded on the front so that some of the
bulge is not actually penis! A "down" penis would ruin "the line" for male
ballet dancers. Hence the popularity of the up position.
I recently received a letter from a former ballet dancer who claims that he, as
well as the other dancers he knew, wore their penises in a "down" position. He
argued that the dance belt does not force the dancer to wear the penis in the up
position. So the discussion and disagreement on this topic continues.
A Curved Penis?
I've received a lot of letters asking questions about whether or not a penis
that curves up, down or to one side or the other is "normal." That depends.
There is considerable variation in this that is considered quite normal.
Remember, the penis consists primarily of spongy tissue that fills with blood
when erect. Since a delicate system of valves (actually flaps) controls the
amount of blood contained within a penis, only slight differences in relative
pressures on each side could result in a degree of curvature.
Joel Block's book,(pp. 207-8; see reference list) however, describes a more
serious problem, called Peyronie's disease, in which the penis becomes so curved
that it interferes or even prevents intercourse. According to Block's book, the
penis may be bent into a J-shape. The exact cause is unknown, but is thought to
be due to a buildup of scar tissue.Vitamin therapy has been used with success in
some cases, but surgery may be required. If you suspect Peyronie's disease, it's
a good idea to check with a doctor. There is an internet reference from the
National Institutes of Health on Peyronies disease with detailed information
about underlying causes and treatment.
Lesions on the Penis
I have also received questions regarding the presence of warts, pimples sores
etc. on the penis or elsewhere in the genital area. I am not an MD, and could
not diagnose these via e-mail even if I were. Any of these should be checked by
a doctor. This is particularly true if you have been sexually active with a
partner. These kinds of symptoms could be consistent not only with Herpes, but
other, more serious Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) as well. Self-treatment
is not recommended. The STDs are cunning in that lesions often heal on their
own, and yet the infection continues (as well as the possibility that the
disease could be transmitted to a partner). This is nothing to fool around with,
no matter how embarrassing you think a visit to the doctor might be.
Blood in Semen
I have received questions regarding the significance of the appearance of blood
in semen, particularly whether or not this is a symptom that should be checked
by a medical doctor. The internet references I have checked on this topic with
respect to possible causes are not necessarily consistent. The consensus is that
blood which appears anywhere it should not ordinarily be should be checked by a
medical specialist, including blood appearing in the semen. The internet
references indicate that the common causes of this symptom include certain kinds
of infections of the prostate or perhaps elsewhere in the urinary tract. Another
possible cause is slight tears in the blood vessels or walls lining the urethra,
which is the tube that carries urine and semen. This symptom could be a result
of more serious causes as well, so it should be checked out by a medical doctor.

Sexual Tension and Sexual Feelings
A lot of men are very "orgasm-centered" in their sexual lives. By that, I mean,
a focus on orgasm and ejaculation becomes important to the point where many men
do not fully notice the sexually-related sensations prior to orgasm. As a
result, many men do not fully appreciate or even experience these sensations.
Men may find these statement surprising, believing that orgasm and ejaculation
is what "sex is all about."
An analogy may be drawn to differences in behavior among people who travel. Some
people are very focused on getting to their destination, believing that whatever
favorable experiences are to be had will be found at the destination. These
people often do everything possible to make travel to the destination as
unimportant as possible. If they drive, they drive over the speed limit,
stopping only for lunch breaks at drive-through windows, so that they can get
back on the road as quickly as possible, and not "waste time." These people tend
to fly rather than drive, if possible, because it's faster.
When other people travel, the process of getting to the destination may become
as important as what happens at the destination. A few people even travel from
place to place without even being concerned about reaching a particular
destination. For these people, the real enjoyment of the trip is not what
happens at the destination, but all the different experiences along the way.
Some men, see the sexual experience in much the same way as travel is seen by
the destination-oriented person. For them, the events, sensations and feelings
leading to orgasm and ejaculation are of little importance, except that they are
what leads to the "big payoff."
For other men--men whom I believe, on average, enjoy their sexuality far more
than the "destination-oriented" men--the feelings and sensations involved in
getting to the destination (the destination being orgasm and ejaculation)--take
on as much or more importance than the orgasm itself. In short, these men are
maximizing what they get from the total sexual experience, not just the
experience in its last stage.
An analogy may be helpful with respect to other kinds of sensations experienced
by the human body. People who enjoy eating at fine restaurants are constantly
bombarding their taste receptors with a continually changing collection of new,
different and exciting sensations. Many human beings often get quickly "bored"
if their eyes are not bombarded with new and different visual stimuli. Hence,
the popularity of television!
Sexual feelings and sensations are not unlike the sensations of vision and taste
in this regard. There is a constantly- changing panorama of sensations available
to us, that change from one moment to the next during periods of sexual arousal.
Men must simply learn how to take advantage of all of this.
Many men believe that it is somehow "unmasculine" to take advantage of (take
time to "enjoy") these sexual experiences that occur prior to orgasm. They may
have been taught at an early age that masturbation is somehow wrong, that is,
either sinful or harmful to one's health. Young males are usually not reluctant
to admit to each other that they enjoy "being" with a girl. But any discussion
of sexual activities that do not involve being with a girl is considered
inappropriate.
These same men bring these views into their adult relationships with their
partners. Orgasm and ejaculation becomes the focus of their partner-sex as well,
rather than full enjoyment of all aspects of sexual feelings.
As indicated before, arousal normally starts with a triggering mechanism. Boys
learn at an early age that there are some arousal triggering mechanisms that are
"ok", that is, socially accepted, and arousal triggering mechanisms that are
"not ok." Arousal triggering mechanisms that are considered socially acceptable
generally involve visual stimuli by a member of the opposite sex. In our
"predominately straight" society, arousal that is triggered by a member of the
same sex is not considered socially acceptable. Gay men have coped with this by
forming separate (parallel) societies.
In addition to the problem faced by gays, there are many other arousal
triggering mechanisms that work quite well but are not exactly coffee-room
topics of discussion among the majority of men. For example, a close-fitting
garment, a hand-held vibrator, an experience involving being "restrained"
(bondage experience) or even simply a thought that is found to be sexually
arousing. Most men are very embarrassed to acknowledge that these triggering
mechanisms--those which do not involve visual or tactile stimulation by a
woman--even exist, let alone spend time to learn how to take full advantage of
them. In addition, while the vast majority of these arousal triggering
mechanisms are quite harmless, sadly, several forms of illegal or otherwise
inappropriate sexually deviant behavior have their origins here as well. Men
often have questions that begin "Is it normal to be aroused by ___________ (Fill
in the blank). I tell these men that if it's not illegal nor causes harm to
someone else, then its "ok" and "normal."
Once the arousal has begun, there are physical and psychological changes that
take place in men. As outlined earlier, typically, an involuntary message is
sent from the brain to the nerves that control a series of valves on the veins
by which blood is drained from the penis. At the same time, blood continues to
enter the penis through the main artery, the heartbeat rate increases, and blood
pressure rises. With blood flowing in faster than it is returned, the penis
starts to become erect.
When the penis is flaccid, touch seems little different than touch on any other
part of the anatomy. But as erection starts to take place, the nerve endings
concentrated in the penis start to become more sensitive and pleasant to the
touch.
Sexual tension has started. The first sexual feelings are rather unfocused, but
as arousal begins, the man's attention increasingly is focused on the sensations
emanating from the groin area. Many men believe these sexual sensations occur
only in the penis, but there are many other places in the groin area that are
quite sensitive as well.
Equally interesting are the psychological changes that are taking place,
something that few men acknowledge. At the initial stages of arousal, the man
has no particular psychological "urge" to press forward to ejaculation. But as
the arousal and erection continues, the psychological urge to press forward to
ejaculation becomes stronger and stronger. This is the essence of building
sexual tension. Psychologically, the man experiences the feeling of wanting more
and more stimulation to continue and increase the intensity of the sexual
feelings.
The entire experience can be likened to the winding of a "sexual" spring.
Increasing stimulation causes the "sexual" spring to be wound tighter and
tighter, increasing the sexual tension. These sensations are extremely pleasant,
but at the same time, the unreleased tension is also described as very
"frustrating" by most men. Interestingly, some men describe this as a
"delicious" frustration, and many agree that it is among the best, if not the
best of experiences that life has to offer. The tighter the sexual spring can be
wound, the more exciting the sexual "ride" and the more "extreme" the ultimate
release will be. This is a human experience not to be missed. Fully recognizing
this and fully taking advantage of these sensations and psychological urges in
an effort to more completely enjoy them for a longer period of time without
moving directly forward to orgasm is something that most men must learn. But the
results are well worth the effort, both in terms of the man's own enjoyment as
well as for the benefit and enjoyment of a sexual partner.
Testosterone Cycles, Refractory Periods, and "Wet" Dreams
Some research has suggested that testosterone produced by the sex organs in
males and the adrenal glands (on top of the kidneys) in females, has less to do
with whether a man will become sexually aroused than is widely believed. Other
recent research suggests that it is not testosterone, but a compound closely
related to testosterone that is important. Ordinarily, after ejaculation, a man
has no further interest in sexual activity of any kind. For a period of 10
minutes to perhaps more than an hour for some men, a man is physically unable to
achieve either another orgasm, even if he is able to either keep or achieve
another erection. The is called the refractory period.
The internet references I have checked suggest that the generally pleasant
feelings of satiety, a lack of interest in further sexual activity and
sleepiness following the male orgasm (which many women do not appear to fully
understand or appreciate) are primarily liked to a chemical called oxytocin that
is released during orgasm. If a man has an orgasm in the early morning hours, he
may want to sleep afterward for an hour or two at minimum. Testosterone levels
in the body tend to rise, not fall, for a period of time after orgasm. Sexual
activity (intercourse or masturbation) prior to sleep in the evening may act as
an excellent, natural sleeping pill.
Most men have a daily cycle of testosterone levels that peaks somewhere between
4:00 and 6:00 a.m. This coincides with the period of time when many men have
early morning erections, but some research has revealed that these early morning
erections are more a result of involuntary reflexes during dream sleep--not the
sexually explicit content of the dream nor the testosterone level in the body.
Most men, however, (including me) have certainly had the experience of abruptly
waking from an erotic dream to discover an erection on the verge of ejaculation,
and I question whether these research findings are completely valid.
These involuntary erection (in younger men particularly, sometimes leading to
orgasm) are a normal part of the sleep cycle for most men, and according to
research, most men have perhaps three or four during each night. there are
various theories as to why nature planned it this way. One theory suggests that
this is a way the male penis "renews" itself with an ample supply of oxygen.
These erection cycles are quite normal. In fact a man who does not have such
cycles is likely physically impotent. A simple test that is sometimes used is to
wrap the base of the penis tightly with a strip of postage stamps before
retiring. If the circle of stamps tears during the night, the man is not
physically impotent.
In the early years of post-pubescence, night-time erections are frequently
accompanied by a full- fledged ejaculation, resulting in crusty spots on the
pajamas and sheets in the morning. Most young men are somewhat embarrassed by
this, but it is quite normal. Wet dreams gradually occur less frequently as men
grow older, and masturbation is more frequent and sexual intercourse become
increasingly important.
There is considerable discussion in the medical literature I have read with
respect to the exact role of testosterone in the body. There appears to be
broad-based agreement that testosterone (or perhaps compounds closely related to
testosterone) are primarily responsible for sexual desire in both men and women.
In short, individuals with low testosterone levels tend to experience lowered
interest in sexual activity and have fewer sexual fantasies.
Testosterone is not necessary, however, for a man to be able to have an erection
or an orgasm--it's just that when testosterone levels are low or absent, the
desire to engage in sexual activities of any form will be reduced. This
conclusion, however surprising, is supported by research involving men who have
been castrated. These men are still capable of both obtaining erections and
having orgasms, though the semen will, of course, contain no sperm. Hence, the
interest in the use of castration as an approach for dealing with sex offenders.

I visited with a woman whose husband had been tested to have virtually zero
testosterone levels. He still had normal erections, and they were having
intercourse about 8 times a week. In other words, his ability to achieve an
erection from physical stimuli was unaffected by the zero testosterone levels.
However, he was not aroused and could not achieve an erection by any visual or
psychological stimuli--photos of nude women, pornographic videotapes or anything
similar. So the contention that testosterone is not necessary to achieve an
erection, but is necessary if a man (or a woman, for that matter) is to be
interested in having sex (the sex drive) seems to be consistent with this
evidence. Since testosterone is produced by glands in addition to the testis,
castrated males still have testosterone at some level, albeit probably lower
than normal without drug therapy.
Most, but not all, of the testosterone in males is produced by the testis,
although small amounts are produced by the adrenal glands, and testosterone is
also stored in large amounts in body fat.
Unwanted Erections and "Bashful Kidneys"
I have had a number of letters from men complaining of erections that occur
unexpectedly in potentially embarrassing situations,for example, in a locker
room, a public shower, while having a massage, or similar situation. Since your
brain tells you when you are aroused, these responses are automatic and not
under conscious control. The nerves running to the valves that control blood
flow in and out of the penis are tied directly to the portion of the brain
responsible for arousal and erection. Frequently, the situation in which the
unexpected erections occur involve "novel" tactile stimulation from a massage,
the texture or fit of an article of clothing, or something similar,
There is no simple way to avoid the "problem" of an unwanted erection other than
to avoid the stimulus that is causing it. The novelty of the situation is in
part, responsible. Over time, when a man becomes familiar with the tactile
sensations, the erections may subside, at least to a certain degree. It may be
helpful to remember than men do not normally seek to avoid having erections, and
erections should be enjoyed, not scorned.
Another common problem is the so-called "bashful kidney." A bashful kidney is a
situation where a man has difficulty urinating in a public rest room, This
problem was actually discussed in Ann Landers a number of years ago. The problem
is exacerbated if the rest room is noisy, crowded, and the individual urinals
offer little or no privacy. In addition, long trips in a car or on a bus or
airplane seem to make the problem worse. Again, there is no simple solution as
the muscles that control the flow of urine are not entirely under voluntary
control. Over time, as a man ages, the problem tends to gradually recede. A rest
room with private stalls may be the only solution.
Taboo Topics: Masturbation
Masturbation remains a taboo topic within much of American society. Parents who
openly discuss nearly any other sexual behavior topic with their children often
are embarrassed when the subject of masturbation is approached. There are
biblical passages which suggest, at least in some people's minds, that
masturbation is sinful. And the "Boy Scout Manual" in the 1940s made note that
masturbation was somehow harmful. Various physical maladies over time have been
associated with or blamed on masturbation. Examples include pimples (nearly
every adolescent boy has them, so there must be a connection) lack of agility
and ability in sports, near-sightedness, and even blindness.
I remember discussing the subject with a medical doctor during the 1950s when I
was about 13 years old. His advice was, "I'm not going to discourage you from
doing that, but I don't believe that it is a good idea, either. I thought to
myself, "That is certainly strange advice, I wonder what he means." But I was
too scared to ask any more questions.
Fortunately, today most medical doctors are enlightened, and now believe that
masturbation is not only normal, but perhaps even necessary for good sexual
health, at least for post-pubescent males who lack other "sexual outlets." A
medical text published in 1975, "Funk and Wagnall's Family Medical Guide," in
its discussion of treatment for enlarged prostate, notes that "All viable males
need to have a periodic release of sperm. Years of such abuse can have an effect
later in life." The text does not give advice, however, as to the specific
techniques that should be used to ensure that this periodic release of sperm
takes place.
Who?
Virtually all males masturbate, though some more frequently than others.
Masturbation usually continues throughout adulthood, even when other forms of
sexual activity are available. Most adolescent males are very embarrassed their
self-stimulation activities. Only a small percentage of male adolescents discuss
their masturbation even with close male friends, and most are terrified that
their friends will find out. Many are also terrified that they will be "
discovered in the act" by a parent. So, many adolescent males learn to get it
over quickly, to minimize the chance of being discovered. Only later in life do
they learn that the ability to delay orgasm is very important to learn in order
to maximize sexual pleasure. So all the "quickie" techniques must be unlearned.
Frequency
Although as a man ages, the frequency of masturbation tends to gradually
decline, but continues even for most married men. Some men believe they should
not do this when they have opportunities for sexual activity with their partners
and therefore try not to masturbate, in part, because they believe that
masturbation implies partner rejection. As a result, they try to hide this from
their wives (often by picking times and places where their wife is not around.
But I have visited with a number of men who have wives who are quite aware of
their husband's masturbation practices and, indeed, encourage it. Some of the
most happily married men I have encountered are those whose wives enjoy mutual
masturbation, which becomes a regular part of the sexual activity.
Part of the psychological problem that most men face is that this is a difficult
subject to bring up with a partner, because any expressed interest in
masturbation might be interpreted by the partner as a form of rejection. The men
who have gotten past this point with their wives almost invariably report having
a very satisfactory sex life. A favorite male sex fantasy is getting the
opportunity to watch a woman masturbate, and many woman find watching men
masturbate to be sexually exciting, once they get over any hangups with the
basic idea. Unattached single men, and gay men, of course, tend to masturbate
more frequently than married men. For gay men in a relationship, mutual
masturbation is a primary sexual outlet, if not the primary one.
While it is true that some women my interpret their male partner's interest in
masturbation as a form of rejection, other women may interpret this somewhat
differently. By masturbating in front of the woman, the man is sharing the most
personal of all activities. That a man is willing to do this with a partner is
an expression of love, not rejection. Thus, mutual masturbation could be a
highly erotic and loving activity for men and women. It could also be something
regularly done at the initial stages of love making.
Masturbation Techniques
Men employ a variety of masturbation techniques. The simplest technique is to
begin by simply squeezing the penis. Once the penis becomes semi-erect, stroking
normally takes place, from tip to base. By concentrating at first on the base of
the penis and avoiding the tip permits the erection to proceed and is a basic
technique for delaying ejaculation.
The entire groin area, including the penis, scrotum and the groin itself,
gradually becomes more sensitive to the touch. Once the erection is underway,
many men enjoy gently pressing on and massaging the scrotum. Gentle touch
anywhere within the area can be sexually exciting, and even on other parts of
the body, such as the male nipples.
Some men prefer to masturbate while lying prone on a bed, with the underside of
the penis rubbing against the bed.
Many men enjoy masturbating using a lubricant, rather than dry. Pre-ejaculate is
an excellent lubricant, although the supply may be somewhat limited. Hand lotion
or vaseline can be used, though, since these contain oils, they are probably not
the best choice if intercourse with a condom is to follow. A clear, water based
gel, such as KY gel, is made for this purpose and does not destroy condoms.
Some men enjoy using devices while masturbating--a vibrator, a shower massage
unit or similar. Many of these devices produce an interesting, though
short-lived effect. A shower massage unit or tub jet, for example, puts
stimulation on the penis such that the feeling is much like having a giant
vacuum cleaner sucking the semen out of the body. The whole thing is over in
about 30 seconds, even without much of an erection. Interesting, but not
something one might want to do on a regular basis,
Then there is masturbation employing articles of clothing, which can also be
classified as a sexual fetish.
Taboo Topics: Fetishes
Fetishes are actually quite common among males, although men who enjoy fetishes
are often very embarrassed by their turn-ons. Generally, a fetish is any
situation where arousal occurs as the result of an inanimate object, most often
an article of clothing. Fetishes are normally harmless, except for the possible
psychological harm for a partner who does not understand what is going on.
Fetishes are virtually entirely a male domain, and few if any women can relate
to enjoying anything similar.I do not know for certain if a majority of men
enjoy fetishes, but certainly a large number of men do, and they are quite
"normal."
College students who engage in "panty raids" of women's dormitories are
revealing a very mild, and perhaps "peer group-acceptable" fetish. Men who enjoy
seeing women dressed up in clothing that is over the edge of feminine attire--4
inch heels, fish-net stockings etc, are probably exhibiting a mild fetish. Most
men, however, see this fetish as part of their overall heterosexual interest in
women, and few men would regard this as "abnormal."
Transvestites--that is, men who are sexually aroused by dressing up in womens
clothing, are sometimes treated by society as being abnormal, but many of these
men are married to women and have otherwise normal sex lives. The only
consequence of this fetish for many of these men is that they are sexually
aroused by actually dressing in women's clothing.For a small percentage of men,
however fetishes that involve women's clothing can ultimately lead to
dissatisfaction with "being male."
Given the amount of e-mail I've received dealing with issues related to
fetishes, I conclude that they are far more commonplace than is widely
believed--even among professional therapists. Interestingly, the e-mail I
receive suggests that among the most common are those involving clothing items
not even mentioned in most discussions of the topics found in books--in
particular, underwear, swimwear and jock- strap fetishes, and even fetishes
involving other mens clothing items, such as lycra cycling shorts or
tight-fitting blue jeans. In most instances, the clothing item that is
responsible is worn, and is used in conjunction with masturbation or other forms
of sex play. A combination of texture, fit and appearance seems to be involved
in these kinds of fetishes.
While surveys on this are difficult to conduct accurately, one clue as to how
commonplace a particular type of fetish might be can be obtained from the
Internet. Internet newsgroups generally form on topics where there is widespread
interest. So far, there is an internet newsgroup that deals strictly with
underwear fetishes; another that deals specifically with garments made with
lycra (that newsgroup attracts both men and women);and a third newsgroup dealing
specifically with jock-strap fetishes. All of these newsgroups are quite active
in exchanging information and preferences about brands and styles of garments
that are best for the purpose.
Of course, there are newsgroups for many of the more widely known fetishes
involving cross dressing and the like. There is even an internet site for those
who get "involved" with plush (stuffed) toys! The list goes on and on! Just when
you think you have heard it all, another, even stranger fetish pops up.
For the men who have a fetish for blue jeans, a separate newsgroup has yet to
form, so these men have been showing up on some of the other fetish-related
newsgroups. A fetish based on a coarse-textured fabric. is somewhat different
from fetishes involving lycra or silk garments, where the smooth, slippery
rather than the rough-textured fabric plays a role. Also, many fetishes involve
items of clothing normally worn in conjunction with sports activities, and there
are small business operators who specifically cater to that market and sell
products over the internet.
The recent popularity of boxer shorts made from silk is, at least in part, due
to the fact that many men find the feel of silk against the skin arousing. Some
men find the tight-fitting lycra or spandex compression shorts to also provide
some interesting sensations in the groin area. Touch feels quite different
through lycra than on bare skin. And there are plenty of fans of brief-style
lycra swimwear. There are also mail-order clothing companies which cater to
these kinds of interests.
Those who have underwear fetishes appear to be about equally divided between
those who have a preference for briefs, bikinis and thong-type underwear, and
those who have a preference for boxer-style shorts. The group interested in
boxer- style shorts seem disinterested in other underwear styles, and vice
versa. There is considerable specialization among the various groups.
Those interested in jock-straps have strong preferences as well, The various
brands of jock-straps available on the market are carefully evaluated with
respect to how tightly they "fit" and the feel of the material and the straps as
well as the particular sensations they are capable of producing in the groin
area. Some brands are clearly preferred over other brands, and there is
considerable discussion on newsgroups over the comparative advantages and
disadvantages of each brand.
A sub-group of jock-strap wearers are particularly interested in those which
have plastic protective cups, such as those worn for sports requiring heavy
protective gear. There are many different shapes and sizes of cups and each
particular type has its own group of advocates. Some prefer the large cups often
worn over clothing in sports such as hockey or boxing. Still others prefer
tighter fitting cups that can be worn under other clothing items. Advocates of
this form of activity claim that the sensations obtainable when even a slightly
erect penis presses against a hard cup are quite enjoyable indeed.
One unique activity engaged in my many men with underwear fetishes is underwear
trading. This activity appears to take on a particular importance in gay
society. The newsgroups are filled with requests by gay men to trade underwear,
jock-straps, or other similar garments. Though there may be straight men who
also engage in this activity,I have yet to hear from one, although some of the
gay men I have visited with claim that their interest in underwear is incidental
to their sexual orientation.
Among the underwear traders, there are specialists. Some prefer to trade
underwear or jock-straps that are new, and still in the original packaging, much
the same as someone might collect coins or model trains. They may catalog their
collection in detail for other participants in the newsgroup to read.
Other men, gays primarily, are interested in trading underwear, jockstraps or
swimwear that are "used." A number of men have admitted to stealing (they call
it liberating) these kinds of clothing items from laundry rooms, locker-rooms
etc, when they are left unattended. Many of these men prefer, used, stained,
garments, particularly if stained with semen. It's unclear as to whether the
primary sexual interest is in the garment or the wearer. Garments from other gay
men who are of a similar age and build appear to be most preferred. Underwear
trading among gay men appears to be the first step in an internet dating ritual
that, if the underwear seems ok, may eventually involve first a phone
conversation and then perhaps actually meeting the underwear trader. In
addition, many gay bars have underwear nights in which men dress up in
underwear.
Based on the internet sites and newsgroup activity, it may appear that underwear
and jock- strap and similar fetishes are largely a gay activity, but straights
engage in these activities as well. However, gays usually seem more willing to
discuss fetishes, perhaps because they see many of the fetishes as merely a part
of their overall interest in other men as objects of sexual attraction. I have
visited with very happily married men whose wives not only knew about the
underwear fetish, but help their husbands pick out underwear that is
particularly arousing to them! In these instances, the underwear was simply part
of the overall sexual chemistry between the man and his wife. All of these
activities are quite safe, harmless fun. The only down side is the potential
embarrassment for the man who enjoys these sorts of activities should someone
"discover" them.
Sexual Repression and Sexual Enjoyment: Now and Then
Those who visit primate exhibits at zoos are often amazed at the speed by which
the sex act takes place:in some instances, less than 30 seconds from start to
finish. I understand this varies somewhat by primate species, with the sex act
taking considerably more time (more "monkey play") in some species than in
others. The idea to drag out the sexual act into something that lasts much
longer than a few minutes is uncommon among living things and is part of what
makes us human.
I've often thought about the concept of "sexual enjoyment" in various societies
and for those who grew up in various families which have either quite
restrictive attitudes or quite liberal-minded attitudes toward sexuality and
sexual activities. I also like to think about this issue as societal values
change over time, from the restrictive views of the immediate post World War II
era, to the free-love era of the early 70s, to the more conservative
know-your-partner views increasingly favored in an era marked by AIDS and other
STD's.
An interesting question, I believe, is under what conditions do humans secure
the greatest enjoyment from their sexuality. Consider first a family with very
restrictive religious or other views toward sexuality. Are those living in such
families actually experiencing less "enjoyment" from their sexuality. Those
living in such families likely have less opportunity to date, engage in sexual
intercourse and other forms of "partner sex may not be available at all." But
under such conditions, whatever sexual activity does take place acquires a new
meaning in terms of its importance. In addition, the "delicious frustration" of
not being able to have an orgasm whenever one wishes in itself becomes a source
of sexual pleasure.
Or consider sexual attitudes during the 1950s versus currently with respect to
the role of sex in dating behavior. In the 1950s, I gather, pre-marital sex was
considered quite "wild" and not something "good" young men and women engaged in.
By the 1980s, sexual intercourse was common after the second or third date. The
attitude of the 80s seemed to be "sex first, we will get to know each other
later on."
Does this new set of attitudes mean that the Generation Xers are enjoying their
sexuality more than those living in the 1950s. Somehow I doubt it. The attitude
in which sex after the second date is expected puts enormous pressure on he
psychological relationship between the two people. Women reach adulthood
believing "that's what men are after." Men begin to think that "If I don't offer
to have sex with her after the second date, she will think there is something
wrong with me" (that is, she will think I must be gay or something!). It's no
wonder men and women stumble into relationships they don't really want, and find
out only much later (often after marriage) that they are "psychologically
incompatible". Many of the ills of current society, illegitimate births, high
divorce rates, spouse abuse, are linked to these so-called "modern liberal
attitudes" with respect to the role of sex in a relationship. This idea goes
right along with the "orgasm centered" attitudes many men have about their
sexuality.
Or consider the free love of the 70s, a period of time when young adults
experimented a lot with promiscuous sex, drugs and on and on. Did sex somehow
acquire more meaning because of the then-new liberal views that prevailed in
this time period? Did the young people who became adults during this period
really get more enjoyment out of their sexuality than did their parents? Again
somehow, I doubt it. The freedom to do anything you want in the sex department
does not automatically mean that the sexual pleasure quotient has increased.
Could it be that men living in societies where intercourse is less free and
frequent are actually getting more out of their sexuality than those men living
in societies where sex is more readily available? The quantity versus quality
issue thus reappears. These issues are certainly worthy of pondering.
If our response to the AIDS epidemic has accomplished anything positive, it has
focused our attention on the importance of a relationship in partner sex. It is
not at all sad that humanity once again focuses on the importance of knowing
very well the partner you have sex with. If this delays intercourse a few dates
longer, so be it.
Sexual Orientation and Preference Issues
I have visited with many men who are well past their teens and are still quite
uncertain of their sexual preference. I conclude that this is actually quite
common. The media portray male sexuality as if most men are either straight or
gay, with but a few men falling in a middle category that is potentially aroused
by members of either sex. I have visited with many gays who were aware of their
sexual preference at a very early age, perhaps nearly from the moment they
realized they were male. Obviously there are many men who are clearly
heterosexual, or straight, and have no same-sex interests whatsoever.
However, I have visited with a surprising number of men where the preference is
not nearly that clear. One book I have--Sexual Happiness for Men: A Practical
Approach--that discusses sexual orientation issues lists seven different
categories of sexual preference, depending on the relative arousal in and
preference for same-sex versus different-sex activities. These categories are
based on the original work by Alfred Kinsey (who, interestingly, was an
entomologist by training). Using this categorization, bisexuals are only those
who are equally aroused by both same- and different-sex activities, and thus
have no preference for one over the other. Most men, however do have some
preference for one or the other.
Sexual preference is, at least to a certain degree determined by whether a man
is aroused by a member of the opposite sex or by a member of the same sex. You
don't get to tell your brain what you find arousing: your brain tells you! Very
few straight men are so straight that there are not certain kinds of same sex-
activities that are at least slightly arousing. Most heterosexual men, for
example, would likely get a bit aroused if they were placed in a room with a
group of other men who were all masturbating! Similarly, few gay men are so gay
that they would not be aroused by any form of different- sex activity.
Sexual preference for most men is just that, a preference. This preference is
often expressed by who the man falls in love with, and while what (or perhaps
who) triggers the arousal mechanism is important, other factors are also
involved, and expressions of same-sex sexual interest are quite common in
situations where contact with members of the opposite sex is limited (army, boys
schools, prisons, etc). When the situation changes these interests may recede as
well, and many of these men return to a heterosexual life. Once a man discovers
an activity that he finds very arousing, other available activities that are
less arousing normally recede into the background. Thus, if a predominately
though not exclusively heterosexual individual determines that certain kinds of
different-sex activities are highly arousing, interests he might have had in
same-sex activities will likely recede. Psychologists refer to this as a
"psychodynamic" situation with outcomes that vary depending on the available
options.
While many gays seem convinced that theirs was not a choice, this is not always
the case, and it is possible for a man with some same-sex interests to go
through life as a straight. I'm convinced this is part of what makes "coming
out" difficult for many men with an interest in certain same-sex activities,
because making a final decision as to preference is often not easy, and is a
decision that cannot be easily reversed. This struggle seems to be critical for
many of the men I have been visiting with who are having difficulty in deciding
what their real sexual preference is. It is not surprising that this can be a
difficult situation: A man who has come out as a gay will have difficulty if he
decides that he wants to attempt to begin dating women, for example.
Men who do not appear to have a preference often face a lot of problems, and are
largely treated as if they were gays by the straight community, but these
individuals are frequently rejected by the gay community as well for not being
truly gay or comfortable with their "true" sexual orientation. Some recent
research has suggested that a much higher proportion of men can be aroused by
same-sex activities and images than is represented by the percentage of men who
actually go into same-sex relationships and live as gays. Most of the remainder
of these men undoubtedly primarily if not exclusively live as heterosexuals. So
being gay or being straight involves both the arousal triggering mechanism and
the ultimate choice of a partner. Even more interestingly, these choices do not
necessarily remain constant over time.
I had a chance to discuss sexual orientation issues with two different men, both
in their 30s or 40s who both were married, and both, I believe, also had
families. Both claimed to have "normal" sex lives with their wives.
Interestingly, however, both of these men occasionally had same-sex encounters
(not with each other but each with another man) leading to orgasm. The wives in
each instance were apparently unaware of the gay relationship.
The decisions these two men faced were not simple. In one of the two cases, I
was able to help the man come to the conclusion that ultimately the gay
relationship could mean that he would have to leave his wife and family. He
ultimately reached the conclusion that this was not a price he was willing to
pay for the same-sex relationship.
In the other case, however, it was clear that the man was gradually leaning
toward leaving his wife for the man he was having the affair with. I never did
hear exactly what happened in this case, but I suspect very strongly that this
man is no longer living with his wife. Despite the similar circumstances, each
man likely made a different choice. I cite these cases to illustrate how
complicated sexual preference can become!
No one yet fully understands the mechanism by which sexual preference is
ultimately determined, and theories cite genetic and environmental factors, with
the theories involving primarily genetic factors gaining increasing support, in
part based on studies of identical twins. In addition, the fact that many gays
appear to have already determined a sexual preference at a very early age
supports theories which suggest only a limited role for the environment and
family-related factors. The determination of what is arousing and what is not is
not a matter of conscious decision.
Gay men are very much like straight men, except for the fact that the sexual
arousal mechanism is primarily if not exclusively triggered by persons of the
same sex. Gays are just as mystified by why women trigger the arousal mechanism
in straights as straights are mystified by why other men trigger the arousal
mechanism in gays. From the gay perspective, it is the straight world that is
"abnormal." Interestingly, other than for the problems in dealing with
discrimination while living as a gay in a predominately straight world, I have
yet to visit with a gay man who has expressed an interest in waking up tomorrow
morning as a straight. The vast majority of gay men are not in any way
dissatisfied with their sexual preference, which these see as the very essence
of their being.
Gays are largely mystified as to why they are treated as they are solely on the
basis of their sexual preference. Discrimination against and other acts of
hatred toward gay men is a sad component of American culture as well as in
cultures of many other countries where treatment by the majority can be even
worse than it is here. I have a theory that many of the men who discriminate
against and otherwise preach hatred toward gays are themselves struggling with
their own inner unresolved conflicts with respect to their own sexual
orientation. Acting in anger against gays is a way of dealing with their own
anger with regard to inner conflicts about their own sexual preference!
Those who cite religious and biblical teaching against gays are on shaky ground
as well. First, the biblical passages relating to this topic are not at all
clear, and can have many different interpretations. The basic message of
Christianity deals a lot with topics like acceptance, understanding and love,
and speaks out boldly on issues such as hatred and discrimination. How anger and
discrimination toward gays can be rationalized on the basis of religious
doctrine remains a great mystery to me.
Many of the sexual stereotypes of gay men portrayed in the media--that sexual
orientation is almost exclusively a sexual attraction--are inaccurate.
Complicated story lines are difficult to follow, particularly in a half-hour
television show. Many straights (in part, based on media stereotypes) believe
that most gay men are really women living in men's bodies, that is, men who
would have preferred to be women, if given a choice. I have found that this
characterization, popular in the media, to be a description of only a tiny
percentage of gays. The vast majority of gay men are very happy being male, have
no interest in dressing or acting like women, or undergoing a sex-change
operation. Indeed, from all outward appearances, they are indistinguishable from
their heterosexual counterparts--except that their sexual arousal mechanism is
triggered by persons of the same sex. In our predominantly heterosexual culture,
this one tiny difference presents some major issues for our society.
Straights often assume that the behavior of all gays is similar to what they see
of a few gays in the news media. The vast majority of gays are living lives very
similar to men in the straight culture, holding down stable jobs in all types of
work and searching for loving, lifelong relationships with a partner--just as
straights attempt to do. In terms of length of a same-sex relationship, the gay
men who have written me all seemed to be convinced that their relationship is
representative of the group as a whole. I have heard a gay man who has been in
stable relationships for 20 years and is convinced that this is quite "average"
for gay men of his age and normal. I have heard from another gay men who moved
in and out of relationships for 20 years with each relationship only lasting
from 6 to 18 months. Interestingly, he was equally convinced that his particular
situation represents the "normal" pattern of gay behavior. I conclude that there
are no truly reliable data on this. I do believe, however, based on the
conversations I have had with gay men, relationships, on average, tend to be
much shorter lived than in the straight community, often measured in weeks or
months, but usually not in years. There is apparently some research evidence to
suggest, however, that the pattern of short-lived relationships tends to recede
as gay men age, just as it does among heterosexuals and that the AIDS epidemic
has tended to foster a movement toward more long-term, monogamous relationships
among gays.
Sexual Preference: Nature or Nurture?
Is sexual preference largely determined by genetics, or does the environment
(i.e. family upbringing) matter? That is an interesting and important question.
Twenty years ago, the vast majority of psychologists believed that the
environment under which a child grew up played a major role in determining
sexual preference. Distant or absent fathers along with overbearing mothers were
often blamed for same-sex preferences of, particularly, male children.
These theories of an environmental (family) basis for sexual preference have
been increasingly discounted by researchers, as more credence has been placed on
genetics. But even if genetics plays a major role in determining ultimate sexual
preference, the rules under which the genetics laws must work are not simple.
Not too many years ago, the laws governing genetic inheritance were viewed by
scientists as very simple, largely following rigid rules laid out by Gregor
Mendel, a monk who studied genetics by observing characteristics of successive
generations of peas, and other plants. Mendel basically concluded that there
were dominant and recessive genes, with dominant genes ruling unless the
individual inherited recessive genes from both parents. Individuals with but one
dominant gene could still transmit recessive genes to their progeny. The
inheritance of eye color is an example, with brown eye color being the dominant
trait and blue eyes being recessive. If the individual inherited one gene for
brown eyes from either parent, the eye color would be brown. Only if both
parents provided the blue, recessive gene, then eye color would be blue.
These simple rules apply in most instances. But they did not explain the
occasional green-eyed person, or the even rarer exception of people with one
brown eye and one blue eye. These exceptions to the rigid laws--situations that
didn't quite conform to expectations--were often discounted by scientists as
being unimportant. But in recent year, these "sloppy" exceptions to the rules
have assumed increasingly importance, as more frequently, exceptions to the
established laws were discovered. In many instances, for example, the effect of
a recessive gene might not be completely masked by the dominant gene. Or,
certain combinations of genes may have impacts on the person intermediate
between their individual impacts. Eyes are not only brown or blue--they may be
slightly brownish or slightly bluish. Or complicated interactions among several
different genes may be involved.
Another controversial illustration is the comparative role of cigarette smoking
(an environmental factor) and genetics in the development of lung cancer. Many
people who smoke heavily all their lives never develop lung cancer. However,
many other smokers die of lung cancer, some at a relatively young age. Those who
do not develop lung cancer likely have a genetic factor that protects them, or,
alternately, those who develop lung cancer have a genetic factor that interacts
with the environmental influence (smoking) to result in lung cancer. No one
knows for sure, but clearly, the incidence of lung cancer is likely tied to both
genetic and environmental factors.
There is increasing evidence pointing to a genetic basis for sexual preference,
but just as in the cancer-smoking connection, that doesn't mean that the role of
environmental influences can be completely ruled out. The evidence supporting
the genetic basis includes (1) work by researchers pointing to a specific gene
identified as present in many, if not most, gay men; (2) studies of identical
twins which indicate that if one twin is gay the likelihood of the second twin
being gay is increased; and (3) studies suggesting physical differences in brain
structure between gays and straights. Interestingly, in the case of the
identical twin studies, the probability that the second twin is gay if the first
twin is gay is not 1.0, despite the fact that both twins inherited the identical
genes from their parents.
A simple model would suggest that being straight is the dominant trait (as is
having brown eyes) whereas being gay is a recessive trait, from which recessive
genes must come from both parents. But that model is far too simple. Only a
model that incorporates an incomplete manifestation of genes or complex
interaction among genes, would be consistent with all the variations seen in
human sexual preference. Further, while there may be a sexual preference
programmed into our genetic makeup, the environment could still play a role,
just as it likely does in the cigarette smoking-lung cancer connection.
A simple Mendel-like model of the inheritance of sexual preference would suggest
that nearly everyone would be either straight or gay. In this Mendelian world,
virtually all straights would be absolutely disinterested in same-sex
activities, and nearly all gays would be totally disinterested in different-sex
activities. There would be few, if any, bisexuals. But this does not conform to
the real world, and reality instead suggests that there are a lot of
people--both men and women, where sexual preference is not clear-cut.
In addition, this opens up the possibility that while genetics may be a factor
in determining sexual preference, other environmental factors may still play a
role, at least for a portion of the population. It is widely believed and
probably well documented that men in prisons, students in single-gender schools
etc. tend to engage in more same-sex activities than occurs within the
population at large. Interest in same-sex versus different-sex activities is
likely, in part, determined by the available options, and part by genetic
programming. Further, for some individuals, sexual preference is not static but
dynamic, with comparative preferences for same-sex versus different-sex
activities changing over time. I am aware not only of married men who are
seeking to move into a same-sex relationship instead, but also of men with gay
partners who are seeking to dissolve the gay relationship and marry a female
lover. So making the assumption that for everyone, sexual preference if rigidly
preprogrammed and static oversimplifies the case as well. Psychologists have
long known that it is possible many individuals who can be aroused by either
same-sex or by different-sex relationships to "develop" either the straight or
the gay sides of their personalities and have a degree of control over sexual
preference. Thus, the basis (cause) for human sexual preference remains
marvelously complex and interesting. For a different perspective dealing with
some of the same issues see the Council for Responsible Genetics website.
Same-Sex Activities
Straight society is often somewhat mystified by the specific sexual activities
that gays engage in. Current thinking in psychology is that perhaps as much as
one-third of the adult male population has, at one time or another, engaged in
some form of same-sex activity leading to orgasm. It's not uncommon, according
to psychologists, for boys only recently past puberty to engage in mutual
masturbation, or "jerk-off" sessions, with their male friends. Psychologists
attach little significance to this sort of same-sex activity in terms of its
implications for sexual preference. Psychologists refer to such activity as
"incidental homosexuality, and do not necessarily believe that simply because
young person, or even an adult man, irregularly engages in such activity that
the man is gay.
However, many gay men are also very interested in mutual masturbation sessions
where both partners manipulate their own or each other's sex organs. Such
activity may involve more than two men. The sex-oriented newsgroups are filled
with personal ads from men who are looking for jerk- off partners, and internet
newsgroups have largely replace public restrooms for advertizing.
The true sexual orientation (preference) of many of these men can be ambiguous.
Some men appear to attach no more significance to the activity than, say, going
out for beer and a pizza, and simply treat it as an enjoyable way to spend an
evening. I've visited with married men who occasionally "go out with the boys"
to engage in mutual masturbation. These men claim to very much enjoy sex with
their wives as well, have no intentions of leaving their wives, and simply
regard the jerk-off sessions as a different and interesting sexual activity. In
the instances I am aware of, the wives are unaware of what goes on when the
husband has a night out with the boys. Another common activity is watching
erotic videotapes while engaging in mutual masturbation by male friends.
Oral sex among gay couples is the next step, although even here some
psychologists regard the oral sex as simply another manifestation of incidental
homosexuality that does not provide sufficient evidence that the men involved
are gay.
Anal intercourse is the type of sexual activity many psychologists regard as
only taking place between men who are gay. This view, however, is by no means
universally held. Some recent research suggests that anal intercourse ranks only
third (behind mutual masturbation and oral sex) as the favored activity among
gays.
Of course, the AIDS epidemic and the subsequent emphasis on safe(r) sex has
substantially changed not only the views of gays about activities such as anal
intercourse but also the comparative frequency of the various activities, so
data collected in recent research may have (undoubtedly has) changed
substantially from that collected 5 or 10 years ago.
Straights were initially confused by the spread of AIDS within the gay
community. Most straights assumed that gays primarily engaged in activities such
as mutual masturbation which posed virtually no risk of disease transmission.
The speed by which AIDS moved through the gay community strongly suggested to
straights that anal intercourse was a favored sexual activity for many, if not
most, gays. Why anal intercourse ever assumed such an important role in the gay
community remains something of a mystery to me, in particular because the rectum
and the penis are not designed to fit together very well. Gay couples have
written to me to describe in detail some of the difficulties they were having
with anal intercourse and complaining that the sensations they were experiencing
in anal intercourse were not very interesting. The rectum is just a hollow tube,
and contains no structure that plugs the end as the cervix does in the woman.
Still, many gay couples appear to regard anal intercourse as a very necessary
part of the relationship. This is the one activity that straight men probably
have the most difficulty understanding and dealing with.
Sadly, since anal intercourse is the primary mechanism by which the AIDS virus
is transmitted between gays, it is undoubtedly responsible for the vast majority
of cases. While the AIDS virus can be transmitted via oral sex, the probability
of transmission is very low, and would usually require open sores in the mouth.
The rectum is very fragile and is easily torn in anal intercourse. Thus, anal
intercourse can provide an excellent path for the transmission of the AIDS virus
from semen to blood and from blood to penis. The fact that many gay
relationships tend to be fragile and short-lived, that anal intercourse was a
favored sexual activity for many gays, and the easy transmission of the AIDS
virus through the rectum has in large measure been responsible for the AIDS
epidemic among the gay community. There are many sexual activities that gays
could (and increasingly do) enjoy which would pose essentially zero risk of
disease transmission--mutual masturbation, sex play involving clothing, sex toys
and the like.
Male Sexuality Issues in Heterosexual Relationships
In sexual pleasure, do relationships matter? Of course! Relationships are not
the key to sexual happiness, but for most men, they are certainly a key to
sexual happiness. In re-reading this paper, I began to think that many of the
discussions contained herein, while accurate, were treating some of the
sexuality issues in a relationship void. I do not consider myself to be an
expert on relationships. However, I hope that some observations I am making here
about relationships might prove useful to others.
For both men and women, much of what we learn about the members of he opposite
sex is acquired in the early years of post-pubescence, that is, the early
teenage years. Much of this information, if not wrong, certainly contains
elements of inaccuracy. Teenagers spend a good deal of time not only developing
the requisite social skills but also discovering their own and their friends'
sexuality. The values and beliefs developed in the teenage years about the
opposite sex are often carried into adulthood with little modification.
Teenage girls quickly become convinced that teenage boys are constantly thinking
about sex. This observation is probably not far from accurate. At the same time,
they become convinced that the number one objective of the vast majority of
teen-age males is "scoring".
Many teenage males quickly come to the conclusion that the young women expect
them to behave this way, and they are often more than happy to comply with these
expectations. Somehow, it's unmasculine to not try to encourage a date to have
sex. Young women quickly begin to believe that young men, as a group are crude
boars, and insensitive to the more subtle parts of a relationship. Early on,
young women become convinced that the only part of a relationship that matters
to men is the sex part. The notion of sensitivity and caring somehow get lost in
the process.
So both men and women enter adulthood with some real misconceptions about
sexuality and the role of sex in a relationship. Young men often fear that
anything that borders on sensitivity will be interpreted as being somehow
"unmasculine" and thus represent inappropriate behavior for a "real" man. Women
believe that the only part of intimacy that matters to men is the sexual
intercourse part,
Some couples never really get beyond these misconceptions. They muddle through
life never really getting what either partner wants out of a relationship. Men
don't really like being viewed by their partners as insensitive clods, but many
do not know where or how to begin to change. Parents often provide role models
in this regard, and young men who grew up in a family where the father was
sensitive and caring to the needs and wishes of the mother--sexual and
non-sexual--are at a great advantage in developing the requisite skills. Young
women who have had the advantage of observing their parents loving and sensitive
relationship are also at a significant advantage over those who grew up in
families where the relationship is weaker or less stable.
Why is all of this important? Simply put, sex is a good deal more enjoyable in a
loving and caring relationship, and this is true for both men and women. John
Gray became a best-selling author with his book Men are from Mars: Women are
from Venus. The popularity of this and subsequent books stems primarily from
some basic truths Gray was able to articulate so well.
In his book, Gray argues, not surprisingly, that men and women are very
different with respect to their sexual and non-sexual needs and desires, and
thus bring very different ideas about relationships to the table. Clearly, most
men probably see intercourse as being far more important to their overall
happiness than most women do. But these differences extend to non-sexual matters
as well. Men see themselves as "problem solvers" in a relationship, not as
sympathizers. If a women faces a problem involving a co-worker, for example, the
male partner (husband), often believes that in order to make the woman feel
better, the problem must be solved. In reality, what the woman is often looking
for is not a solution to her problem, but rather expressions of caring sympathy.
Phrases such as "You were mistreated and I can see why you are angry with the
co-worker." may be far more successful than a sincere attempt to try to help her
deal with the co-worker. Worst of all is to belittle the problem by saying "I
don't think that's serious enough for you to be concerned or upset about it." In
a relationship, that kind of help is asking for trouble.
Women often believe the myth that the only thing men enjoy about sex is
intercourse. Foreplay is just something men put up with to please the woman. I
hope that my foregoing discussions have helped explode that myth.
But men believe some myths too. The first myth is that women don't enjoy sex
nearly as much as men do, but sometimes "put up with it" to please their
partners. It is true that the vast majority of women se the sexual act as part
of a "package" deal. Sex is but one of many components of a worthwhile
relationship. Most women would probably rate caring and sensitivity in a loving
relationship as being far more important than the sex act itself. But its not
true that most women feel only so-so about sex. There are many women who see sex
as a very important part of the overall package.
So the package deal of a relationship for women involves a lot of things: a
loving and caring relationship, perhaps a family, home, a big dining room
table--that is, all the signals that suggest a stable, caring and protected
environment. With the possible exception of the big dining room table, men want
these things in a relationship too. The rankings may be different, but, in
general, the same items are "on the list" for men too.
So, what's a man to do? Showing some sensitivity towards the female partner
would be a good start. This is why florists have become wealthy selling
long-stem roses. This sensitivity is important both in and out of a sexual
setting. Strong relationships begin with both partners sending strong signals
that they care for each other. Relationships are not built of the sizes of
breasts and penises. Most men are far less concerned about breast size than
women believe. Analogously, most women are not nearly as concerned about the
size of an erect penis as men believe. These are leftover myths from
adolescence.
In short, relationships are built on three words: sensitivity, caring and
communication. That's how love develops. It's really all quite simple-- but at
the same time, marvelously complex. Sex without these three factors is dull and
meaningless. So, how does a man show to a woman that he is sensitive and caring.
Communications is critical. John Gray is on the right track. A caring
relationship is defined by both compassion and concern. Women don't marry men in
order to have someone to solve their problems. They are searching for someone
who can sympathize with their situation, whatever it is. In addition,
expressions that indicate the man is thinking continually about the woman always
earn high marks. Women are actually "turned on" by these expressions that
indicate a caring love. And the sex will be better because of this.
Many men are quite dysfunctional when it comes to revealing a sensitive side. In
a sexual relationship, men are often unwilling to talk about what "feels good"
to them, or that by asking the woman about what feels good to her, that somehow
the myth of the "magnificent lover" will be exploded. Adolescent boys often like
to act as if they learned all their was to know about how to make a woman happy
at age 15, and frequently bring these views into the adult relationship.
I believe that men who are considered by women to be "great lovers" did not
achieve this because of their skills at physical techniques. Great lovers become
great because they are willing to communicate with women about exactly how they
want to be touched without any embarrassment. In this regard, the man who
considers himself to be "less experienced" with "more to learn" may actually be
more successful in the lovemaking department than the man who claims to already
know everything there is to know about lovemaking. The less experienced man will
likely want to communicate with his partner on a continuous basis during the
lovemaking session. Interestingly, the ability to communicate needs and feelings
during intimate sexual activity often helps build better communication skills in
non-sexual areas as well, solidifying the relationship in total. At minimum,
this is certainly something to ponder. Sex without a caring, loving relationship
is no sex at all!
Male Sexuality: Information for Single, Unattached Men
The issue of male sexuality as it relates to single, unattached men who are not
having sexual relations with a partner has always been an interesting one to me.
Some men are single by choice: others are single as a result of uncontrollable
events that have taken place in their lives. Among those who are single by
uncontrollable events that have taken place in their lives are those who are
divorced or widowed, and some who are disabled. There are also those who for,
whatever reason, choose not to find a partner for sexual relations. Some men
simply prefer a life of being single and unattached: others choose an occupation
such as becoming a Catholic Priest, which requires a vow of celibacy.
Being in this situation is a problem only if the man believes it is a problem. I
have talked to a lot of single, unattached guys. Most, though not all, view this
as a transitory phase of heir lives, and expect to at some future point to find
a sexual partner. Some, however, see living single and unattached as essentially
a permanent situation, and they have no particular interest in finding a sex
partner. Some people might argue that many of those who fall in the latter
category have low sex drives, that is, they are not driven by the same sexual
chemistry which dominates society, but this is clearly not true in all cases.
Another category of men who face an interesting set of issues are those who, by
virtue of their occupational choices, must be away from their sexual partner for
long periods of time for business or other work related travel. The media
stereotype is that many, if not most of these men have sexual partners waiting
for them at the locales where they are working away from home. Obviously, this
describes the behavior of some men, but not the majority, I believe.
I've observed that the vast majority of divorced men quickly enter into a sexual
relationship with another woman, this despite the psychological turmoil as a
result of the divorce. Very few divorced men remain divorced for very long.
However, I've also observed that a significant number of divorced women remain
single, far more so than is true for men. While these women may have the
opportunity to engage in sexual relations with men while they are single, I'm
convinced that the real explanation lies in the differences in how the sex drive
works in men versus women. Men are likely to see intercourse as being of major
importance to their lives: Women, however, see intercourse as just one component
of what a relationship is all about, and if the other components are not there,
there is no point in sexual intimacy. So women who do not find the other things
they are looking for in a relationship generally stay single. For women, sex is
very enjoyable, but not so enjoyable that its worthwhile even when the other
conditions necessary for intimacy have not been met. besides, if the other
conditions have not been met, sex is not even that enjoyable for most women.
John Gray puts it this way: men want to feel needed--women want to feel
cherished. That's a good way of describing the differences.
Widowed men are another interesting category, usually older than divorced men,
Healthy, active widowers have demographics in their favor. Women tend to live
longer than men, and there is always a big selection of widows seeking healthy,
active males for companionship. Thus, a widower in good health is likely to have
many potential partners to choose from.
Much of what goes on within the Catholic priesthood with respect to male
sexuality remains a mystery to me. Not only do Catholic priests take a vow of
celibacy, the Catholic church continues to have very "traditional" attitudes
toward birth control, masturbation etc. But Catholic priests do have
"housekeepers" and I am aware of an instance where a live-in housekeeper
provided services that went well beyond cleaning the rectory. How commonplace
this is, however, I have no idea, as Catholic priests have not exactly been
writing to the "Male Sexuality Questions Answered " web page. As a practical
matter, the Catholic Church's position on issues such as masturbation and birth
control is sadly outdated. According to one of my readers, materials suppied to
adolescents by the Catholic Church indicates that the Church regards a "wet
dream" as normal, that is, not sinful. THat is certainly good to know! My
medical guide's assertion cited earlier that "every viable male should have a
periodic release of sperm" in order to maintain good general health gives pause
for concern about the general health of priests who follow the doctrine of the
Church to the letter. I would welcome additional letters that are able to fill
in some of the details as to what actually goes on here.
Men who are away from their wives or other sexual partners for long periods of
time face a special set of problems. Most men, in their 20s and older, I
believe, gradually adopt an increasingly "regular" schedule for orgasms, the
average probably being about every 2-3 days (though I get many letters from men
who claim to be on a long-term schedule far more frequently than that). Once his
schedule gets set in place, most men deviate from it only infrequently. Illness
& stress may have an impact on the schedule, however. Business travel is a form
of stress. While sexual partners at travel locations are not uncommon, I suspect
that is not the primary sexual outlet for most of these men "away from home."
Masturbation, or even mutual masturbation with the wife (or other "at home"
sexual partner), over the phone is probably quite common. I would be interested
in hearing more from married men, in particular, who are willing to talk about
this. Every man seems to work out an individualized system that works in his
special situation.
Men without sexual partners who are living with family members (parents,
roommates etc.) face special problems. Masturbation is probably the primary
sexual outlet, but masturbation cannot be pursued with abandon if the man is
constantly concerned about being "discovered by a roommate or a family member."
This sometimes makes it difficult to establish a regular "schedule" and in
general getting adequate time to really "enjoy" the activity.
I have visited with many gay men who do not have sexual partners. While there
clearly is a subset of gay society that is hopping from one partner to another,
my e-mail indicates that this is probably no different from the sub-set of the
straight population that is doing the same thing with female partners. Gays are
just as varied in personality, outlook, and attitudes toward sexuality as are
straights. In looking for stable, long-term relationships, many gays go through
periods of their lives in which they have no sexual partners. Gay men deal with
this situation the same way straight men do: then tend to masturbate a lot. One
difference I note is that the gays I have visited with are much more open with
respect to not only admitting this but also in describing the specific
techniques they use. Furthermore, gays seem to be a good deal more creative with
respect to thinking up new and exciting methods. Straight men tend to be hung up
on the notion that if they mention this, whoever they talk to won't regard them
as "real" (that is, straight) men, and so it's best not to say anything. Gays
frequently trade information with each other about interesting masturbation
techniques, seeing this as simply a manifestation of their overall interest in
other men (newsgoups that cater to gays are filled with this information:
Straights seldom trade such information, for fear of how their interest might be
interpreted by others. After all, they don't want to be called "jerk-offs," a
very derogatory term! As a result, straights generally lack the information on
masturbation techniques gays routinely trade.
Men who remain single and choose to avoid sexual relations make this choice for
a variety of reasons. Any intimate relationship, to a certain degree, is
manipulative. While men manipulate women, women, on average, are probably more
adept at psychologically manipulating men to get what they want. This goes right
back to the "sex is just part of a larger package of need" that provides an
overall explanation for female attitudes and behaviors toward men. Women's
magazines are filled with articles that help women develop techniques for
getting what they want from men.
The issue is not the question of whether women manipulate men. (This sounds
chauvinist, but they do! Remember, however, I also said that men manipulate
women to get what men want, so at least I'm a "fair" chauvinist). Rather, the
issue is how individual men react to the female manipulation. A lot of married
men regularly complain to their male friends that they are being psychologically
manipulated by their wives. But individual men react and deal with this
differently. Many men see the manipulation as simply the "price" they must pay
in order to get what they want out of the relationship (for example, sex). These
men don't even realize that this is (or was) a choice they made. For many men,
this psychological manipulation by their female partners is so much an every day
part of their lives that they no longer even think of it as psychological
manipulation. Other men "fight back" to a certain degree, by refusing to do the
things their wives suggest. But this strategy is fraught with dangers. Many
women are very adept at withholding "important things" in an effort to regain
control over what they regard as a deteriorating situation. The men who fight
back too strongly or too frequently generally end up in divorce court.
Many men who remain single and who choose not to have intimate relations with a
woman simply conclude that the price of intimacy (that is, a lifetime of female
manipulation) is too large a price to pay. Everything comes down to a simple
choice. Is it worth it to give up the freedom of a single life in order to find
sexual intimacy? While most men say yes, some men conclude no. There is nothing
wrong with that. But to compensate, these men may take masturbation activities
to a higher level than their counterparts who have made other choices. With time
and privacy available, why not experiment a bit! Keeping the sexual equipment in
good order is an excellent idea for good general health as well. Perhaps I'm
being a bit unkind here, but every man has the opportunity to make these
choices. Many men make them without even fully recognizing the options that are
available. Sexual intimacy is an explicit choice to be made.
Male Sexuality In the 21st Century: Where Do We Go from Here?
Sexuality issues change with each generation. In the 1950s and 60s, it was the
development and increasing use of the birth control pill, making premarital sex
increasingly widespread. This evolved into the free love culture of the 1970s.
Sexually transmitted diseases were of no particular concern, because they could
be controlled by ever more powerful antibiotics and other miracle drugs being
developed. Anything was possible! Sex could be had without love or guilt. AIDS
changed all of that. Suddenly free love was far more problematic. The 80s became
a decade of increasingly sober attitudes toward sex, for both men and women. The
miracle drugs were not all they claimed to be.
Other changes have gradually occurred over the past three or four decades. The
divorce rate gradually increased. Fewer and fewer children grow up in families
were both parents are present. Fewer still grow up in families where the parents
are in a loving, caring stable relationship. What chance do these children have
in developing loving, caring relationships themselves? Certainly less of a
chance on average, than children growing up in stable relationships.
Other hot-button issues appear to be increasing concern. Despite the widespread
availability of birth control measures, the abortion rate is still very high.
Illegitimate births are up, even in states widely known for conservative values.
The groups opposed to homosexual rights and the groups attempting to protect and
increase homosexual rights under the law are shouting at each other. Religious
groups that preach love and acceptance of every other kind of sin often appear
to place homosexuality in a special place.
Ours is a throw-away society. Both parents increasingly work, and family meals
consist of take-out pizza on paper plates. Instead of buying an automobile with
the intent of changing oil regularly and keeping it in top running condition for
ten years or more, automobiles are leased, and traded in after three years. The
notion of stability and continuity is lost. The same is true of relationships.
Instead of couples attempting to make repairs in relationships, they simply
divorce and try again with someone else. Fragile relationships are consistent
with a hedonistic, throw-away society with a focus on immediate fun rather than
long term well-being.
Perhaps we should be encouraged that divorce in now considered to be socially
acceptable not a negative mark. Perhaps many more couples in the 1950s and 60s
were living in unacceptable relationships that were held together only because
of the social stigma attached to divorce. Perhaps. But somehow, I doubt it.
As the millennium approaches, these issues are not going to go away. Some of
them may actually increase in comparative importance. The issues surrounding
abortion and homosexual rights, for example, have become so emotional on both
sides that I see little potential for progress. And the rhetoric gets
increasingly strident, as each group attempts to shout down the group they
disagree with.
But there is hope. I am increasingly optimistic that adolescents are getting
more solid information about sexuality than ever before. But I too worry about
access to information that is inaccurate or misleading. When I set up this web
site, I was somewhat concerned by the possibility that some teenagers would get
access to information here that they somehow shouldn't have. I considered an
elaborate system of electronic "gates" warning of the explicit content of some
of the material discussed here.
But I finally concluded that there was nothing on this web site that was
inappropriate for anyone to know. This site is not easy to find. To find it, you
have to be proficient at using the internet and the currently available search
engines. Anyone smart enough to find the site is old enough to read its
contents. I know some parents worry about their children's access to sex-related
materials. I've heard from them. But in many ways, the internet is a far safer
and better way to learn about sex than the traditional sources. And the
information is likely more accurate too.
So I'm reasonably confident that ever brighter teenagers will go into
relationships better informed than ever before. Information leads to
responsibility. Information is also valuable in developing understanding and
reducing prejudices, regardless of who they directed toward or for what specific
reason. So, in the end, I'm hopeful. And I'm hopeful that increased availability
of frank, open information will be valuable in smoothing out the rough spots in
adult relationships as well. We will see...
Books in Print on Male Sexuality Through the Years
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex but were Afraid to Ask by David
Rubin.
First published in 1969, I remember purchasing my copy while in college. The
book created quite a stir at the time as there were entire topics devoted to
masturbation, homosexuality and impotency. Among other things, Rubin argued that
homosexuals could become heterosexuals with the right professional help.
A popular comedy--a Woody Allen movie by the same name--was only very loosely
based on the book topics.
The Sensuous Man by M.
Published under a "pen name" in 1971, this book also created a stir in that it
explained specific techniques to be used by a man in performing oral sex on a
woman. A companion volume, The Sensuous Woman, contained analogous information
for women.
The Joy of Sex and the New Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort.
The original edition of this book, published in 1972, was famous for its
diagrams of various sexual positions, and became the favorite US marriage
manual. Later editions contained more material and more explicit diagrams, in
case readers couldn't quite imagine the various positions based on word
explanations alone.
Man's Body: An Owners Manual by the Diagram Group.
This is an excellent reference source containing all sorts of trivia about male
sexuality, as well as information about other parts of a man's body as well.
Male Sexuality (1978) and the New Male Sexuality (1992) by Bernie Zilbergeld
The second edition of this book is, in my view, the best reference that has been
written on the subject of male sexuality. It covers all aspects of male
sexuality, and gives decent psychological advice about relationships as well.
Very non-judgmental. The most famous part of this book are the "exercises" for
dealing with premature ejaculation and improving one's sex life. Don't think of
exercise as work.
The Hite Report on Male Sexuality by Shere Hite
Published in 1981, this is the classic treatise about male sexuality based on
the results of voluntary surveys. I never quite know how representative the
information obtained from such surveys is.
Sex for One: the Joy of Self Loving by Betty Dodson.
First published in 1974, a revision was published in 1987 and there is a new
version just out. The book covers exactly what the title suggests. This is the
only book I am aware of that is devoted entirely to that topic. Excellent pencil
drawings done by the author and illustrating the techniques accompany the text.
Sexual Happiness for men: A Practical Guide by Maurice Yaffe and Elizabeth
Fenwick
First published in 1986, this book has some excellent material on sexual
orientation issues and developing relationships, including self-tests. Excellent
hand drawn illustrations also accompany this text. This is a favorite reference
source for sorting through sexual preference issues
Men are From Mars: Woman are from Venus, and a subsequent book Mars and Venus in
the Bedroom, both by John Gray
These are the classic best sellers on building relationships between men and
women.
Secrets to Better Sex by Joel Block.
This is a new book (copyright 1996) organized alphabetically by topic from
Afterplay to Zipless sex.In particular, check out the material on pp. 199-200 on
multiple male orgasms and the "perineum halt." Compare what is said in this book
with the information contained in this paper.
A Sampling of the Electronic References on Male Sexuality available on the Web
Sexuality Library
The Society for Human Sexuality is a student-run web site maintained at the
University of Washington. It is primarily known for its sexuality library
containing a vast array of papers dealing with a wide variety of sexual topics
from abortion to zoophilia. (I had tho get that one in!). Contents of the
on-line library can be downloaded to a disk. The library is particularly
complete with respect to what some might term as abnormal or deviant sexual
practices. It also contains a good deal of information on the basics. This
library is my basic source of information in answering "out of the ordinary"
questions. The Sexual Dictionary available for downloading is an excellent
reference for terms not widely used.
 
All About Sexual Behavior
The icemall "all about sexual behavior" site is simply a site containing links
to papers dealing with a variety of sex- related topics, including papers with
both liberal and conservative views on human sexuality.
 
MTM Men's Page
The MTM men's page has some excellent reference material on sex after age 35.
The Council For Responsible Genetics Website presents an interesting perspective
on the genetic basis for sexual orientation.
National Institute of Health Website dealing with impotence
National Institute of Health Website dealing with benign prostate enlargement
How Do you Measure Up? A somewhat tongue in cheek presentation of results from a
penis size survey.
An excellent source of information on premature ejaculation problems
 
Welcome to the JOY OF SEX Home page
The Joy of Sex Home page contains extensive material on various positions for
sexual intercourse.
 
"HOT" RELIGIOUS TOPICS:
This is an excellent web site for a variety of different religious views on
homosexuality and bisexuality.
"Sex and Human Life" is written by a disability counselor and includes a variety
of topics related to sex, with an emphasis on sex for those with disabilities.
The author of this paper is also interested in doing free e-mail counseling on
sexuality issues.
 
Answers to your questions about sexual orientation and homosexuality
Statements on homosexuality by the American Psychological Association.
 
Concluding Comments
This concludes my essay on "Understanding Male Sexuality." Human sexuality is a
fascinating topic. I hope that I have dealt openly and fairly with these topics
and provided some information that, till now, has not been readily available,
and, in some cases, even widely known. I appreciate your interest in the
topic.If you have questions or comments, feel free to write. As new questions
are asked that have not been covered here, I will continue to add to and further
refine this paper, while maintaining confidentiality for everyone who writes

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Last Updated December 14, 1997