Sexuality

Dr.Joe's Data Base

Sexuality

Women's Sexual Organs

Puberty in Boys

Men's Sexual Organs

Some Ideas About Sex: What Guys & Girls Think

Making Decisions About Intercourse: How to Say "No"

Sexual Concerns of Teens

Masturbation

Outercourse vs. Intercourse

Sexuality and Aging

Sex Therapy

Homosexuality: Being Gay or Lesbian

How to Talk to Your Child About Sex

How to Talk to Your Parents About Sex

Men's Sexual Concerns

Women's Sexual Concerns

Puberty in Girls
Puberty is a time of many changes. A girl's body starts changing after about age
8. Many girls worry that they are not developing fast enough, or are concerned
if they develop before their friends do. Remember, each person has her own
timetable. Some girls start puberty early, and some start later.
Most of the changes of puberty are caused by chemicals called "hormones" that
the body starts to produce. The main female hormones are estrogen and
progesterone.
Breasts start to grow when a girl is between 9 and 13. Many girls are concerned
about the size and shape of their breasts. Breasts come in many different sizes,
so girls shouldn't worry if theirs are different from their friends'. One breast
may grow more quickly than the other; however, they will be about the same size
when they finish growing. Pubic and underarm hair will start to grow next.
Menstrual periods usually start between the ages of 11 and 15; however, periods
can begin as early as 9 and as late as 17.
This is what causes a period: about once a month, a woman's body gets itself
ready for pregnancy. The lining of the womb, or uterus, starts to thicken. About
2 weeks later, one of the ovaries releases an egg, or ovum. If sperm from a
man's body does not join with the egg, that is, it is not fertilized, then the
thick lining of the uterus is not needed. In about another two weeks, her body
gets rid of this lining through the vagina. This is called having a period, or
menstruation.
Many women are uncomfortable or have cramps during their periods. Exercise, a
heating pad or hot water bottle, and a pain reliever can help. If these ideas
don't work, ask a doctor or school nurse for help.
Periods usually last between 3 and 7 days. They may be longer or shorter, and
bleeding may be heavier in some months than in others -- especially when you
first start having your period. Many things can affect your period, such as
stress or sickness or fast weight loss. After a while, most women find that
their periods become regular. Once periods are more regular, they happen about
every 21 to 35 days, or 3 to 5 weeks.
If a woman has intercourse then misses her period, she might be pregnant. If
sperm joins with an egg a pregnancy begins. The fertilized egg attaches itself
to the thick lining of her uterus and starts to grow. Her body does not get rid
of the lining and she does not have a menstrual period.
The female hormones also cause a woman's vagina to produce a discharge or mucus.
This does not hurt or itch or smell bad. However, if you have a discharge that
does hurt or itch or smell strong, see your doctor; you might have an infection.

Pimples or acne are a common problem. Some suggestions are to wash with plain
soap, not eat foods with lots of fat, not use skin moisturizers, and use lotions
with benzoyl peroxide which can be bought without prescription at a drug store.
A doctor may also be able to prescribe medication.
Body odour is caused by perspiration. Many people stop it by washing often with
regular or deodorant soap and using deodorants.
Girls usually grow quickly between 10 and 13. After their periods start, most
grow about another inch or 3 centimeters. Most reach their adult height by age
16.
Puberty may be a time of strong sexual feelings and fantasies. These feelings
may be confusing or a worry or very pleasant. Daydreaming about kissing or sex,
developing a crush, feeling romantic are all normal. Respect your body, respect
yourself for what you are today, and demand respect from others.
If you want more information, you can read books on puberty. Or, talk with
someone you trust. You can call a local Planned Parenthood organization or
Public Health Unit -- see References/Resources.

Women's Sexual Organs
A woman's sexual parts are harder to see than a man's, so many people don't know
much about them. Some women have been taught that this area of their body is
dirty or ugly, and that it is shameful to touch it or talk about it. These parts
are not dirty or shameful. Like any other parts of your body, the more you know
about how they work, the easier it is to stay healthy.
It is useful to see what this part of your body looks like. You will need a
small mirror to do this. Second, you will need some facts.
The whole area between your legs is called "the vulva". You will see two sets of
lips, called "labia". After puberty, the outer lips have pubic hair growing on
them. The inner lips vary in size and shape and colour. One lip may be larger
than the other.
Inside the lips are the clitoris and two openings. Starting at the front of the
body, where the inner labia meet, is the clitoris. In adult women, the clitoris
is about the size of the eraser on the end of a pencil. In some women, it is
covered with skin and in others it is uncovered.
The clitoris is extremely sensitive and is the source of much sexual pleasure.
Some women like to have it touched directly, when they are ready. However,
others find this painful and prefer to have the area around the clitoris rubbed.

The opening closest to the clitoris is the urethra, where urine comes out. It is
small and hard to see.
Next is the opening to the vagina. This is where menstrual blood and vaginal
discharge come out, and where the penis goes during vaginal intercourse. Sperm
travel up the vagina, through what's called the cervix, into the womb (or
uterus). If it meets and fertilizes an egg, or ovum, a pregnancy begins. When a
baby is born, it moves out of the uterus, down the vagina and out the same
opening.
Inside the vagina there is usually a thin tissue called the "hymen". Other names
for it are "cherry" and "maidenhead". The hymen can become stretched or torn by
things like using tampons and having sexual intercourse for the first time. For
some women, this can be uncomfortable and cause a bit of bleeding; others don't
even notice it.
The opening further back is the anus. It is where bowel movements come out.
From puberty, girls will notice a vaginal discharge or mucus on their underwear.
It is perfectly normal. It may be yellow or milky-white, watery or thick. The
appearance and amount of this change at different times in a woman's cycle.
These changes can help tell when she is most likely to get pregnant.
If the discharge has a strong or bad smell, if it itches, or if it is a strange
colour, it could be a sign of an infection or a sexually transmitted disease.
This should be checked by a doctor, as some of these are serious and spread
easily.
To find out more about a woman's body, get books on the subject. Talk to
someone: a parent, counsellor, or health care worker. Or, you can call a local
Planned Parenthood organization or Public Health Unit -- see
References/Resources.

Puberty in Boys
Puberty is a time of many changes. A boy's body starts changing when he is in
between 11 and 20. Many boys worry that they are not developing fast enough.
Remember, each person has his own timetable. Some boys start puberty early, and
some start later. You will go through puberty at your own speed.
Most of the changes of puberty are caused by the male hormone testosterone which
the body is starting to produce. Testosterone is made in the testicles. The
testicles are inside a sac or bag below the penis, called the scrotum.
As the amount of testosterone increases, the scrotum gets darker. The penis and
testicles start to grow. Pubic hair also starts to grow. Underarm and facial
hair will come later. The voice gets deeper, and sometimes may crack or break.
In the throat, the Adam's apple, or larynx, gets bigger. Some boys swell a
little under their nipples, but this usually goes away.
The testicles start to produce sperm. This will continue for the rest of a man's
life. Sperm are released in a white fluid called "semen". Sometimes semen is
released from the penis during sleep. This is called a "wet dream", and it is
normal and harmless.
Some people think that you can tell the size of a man's penis by other physical
characteristics, like the size of his feet or his race. These beliefs are not
true. It is also not true that the size of a man's penis affects his partner's
sexual satisfaction.
An erection, or "hard-on", may occur at unexpected times. This can be
embarrassing, but it is normal. It is not necessary to ejaculate or "come", even
for years, in order to be healthy.
Pimples or acne are a common problem. Washing with plain soap, avoiding foods
with lots of fat, using lotions with benzoyl peroxide which are available
without prescription at drug stores, or a visit to the doctor may help. Body
odour is caused by perspiration, and can be helped by washing with plain soap or
deodorant soaps and using deodorants.
Most boys grow quickly between ages 12 and 15. By 18, most stop growing, but
muscles will continue to develop.
Puberty may be a time of strong sexual feelings and fantasies. These feelings
may be confusing, and may cause both concern and pleasure; however, they are
normal. If you are worried, find books about puberty, or talk with someone you
trust. You can call a local Planned Parenthood organization or Public Health
Unit -- see References/Resources.

Men's Sexual Organs
A man's most obvious sex organ is his penis. Penis size has nothing to do with
how tall or muscular a man is, his race, or any other physical characteristic.
The size of a penis when it is soft has little to do with its size when it is
erect.
Men with big penises are not more masculine or manly. They do not make more
sperm than men with small penises. And, the size of a man's penis has nothing to
do with how much he and his partner enjoy sex.
At the tip of the penis is the opening where urine comes out. When the man is
sexually excited a clear fluid will come from this opening. This contains sperm
and is natural. The opening is also where semen comes out when a man ejaculates
or "comes".
Some men have been circumcised. This can be for health or religious reasons. It
means that a part of the foreskin has been removed from around the head of the
penis. This changes the appearance of the penis and may make it easier to keep
the penis clean, but has no other effect.
A penis becomes erect when blood rushes to it, causing it to become hard and
stick up or out from the body. This is often called a "hard-on" or a "boner".
Some erections happen unexpectedly, often when they aren't wanted. They may
happen when a boy or man is thinking sexual thoughts, when he is excited or
anxious, or sometimes when he is not thinking about anything in particular. This
may be embarrassing but it is normal.
Behind the penis are the testicles or "balls". They are in a sac called the
"scrotum". One may be larger and hang lower than the other. Sperm need to be
cooler than the body to live -- this is why the testicles are outside the body.
Most lumps or bumps in the scrotum are harmless pouches of fluid, called cysts.
Some go away by themselves, others need to be removed by surgery. A lump in the
scrotum could also be a sign of cancer. It is important to have any lump checked
by a doctor. Your doctor can also show you how to examine your testicles
regularly. The best time to do this is after a hot bath or shower. The Canadian
and American Cancer Societies have literature on this subject.
If you want more information on men's sexual organs, find books on the topic.
Talk with your parents, someone at a clinic or a family planning centre. Or, you
can call a local Planned Parenthood organization or Public Health Unit -- see
References/Resources.

Some Ideas About Sex: What Guys and Girls Think
There are almost as many ways to think about sex as there are people. Some of
these ideas are true and some are not.
Many people think that all guys are only interested in having intercourse. But,
boys and men vary in their interest in sex, and their interest changes with
other changes in their lives. Men can have and express tender feelings, and
appreciate closeness and affection.
Girls and women also have very strong feelings. They often want and enjoy sex,
as well as caring, loving relationships.
Both males and females need to express feelings. Good, positive relationships
are important to both guys and girls. Sometimes people exaggerate their
partner's commitment, to impress their friends, or for their own sense of
security. Sometimes feelings get confused.
The first sexual intercourse can be exciting, scary, pleasurable, and even
disappointing, for both guys and girls. Many young couples know they're not
ready. Maybe it isn't the "right" time or the "right" person; they don't know
each other well enough; they want to avoid pregnancy and sexually transmitted
diseases. Or, maybe they just feel too confused and need more time to sort out
their feelings. Kissing, hugging, touching, mutual masturbation or rubbing
genitals to reach orgasm, can be safe, satisfying alternatives to intercourse.
These types of sexual activity are called outercourse. Discuss sex, one step at
a time, to make sure that both of you are ready for any steps you take.
We get ideas about sex from television, movies, music, ads, jokes, friends and
family. You need to sort out your own ideas and values, what it is you want.
Sometimes, one partner tries to pressure the other into becoming sexually
active. Knowing your values and what you want will help you in this situation.
No means No. Respect your partner and respect yourself. Sexual assault, even in
a marriage or dating relationship, is a criminal offense. Only yes means yes.
Neither guys nor girls know all about sex. Take time to communicate your
feelings and get to know your partner.
Similar interests and values between partners help make a relationship stronger,
more satisfying and longer-lasting. Even happily married couples do not always
want sex at the same time, nor do they have orgasms at the same moment.
If a person carries a condom it doesn't mean that he or she is "easy" or expects
"action". It means the person is thinking, being prepared, and will have
protection if they decide to include intercourse in their sexual relationship.
If you want more information, find books, read other Facts of Life Netline
messages, or talk to an adult you respect and trust. You can call a local
Planned Parenthood organization or Public Health Unit -- see
References/Resources.

Making Decisions about Intercourse, and How to Say "No"
Growing up involves learning to make decisions and living with them. When you
begin to care for and be attracted to someone, then it is time to take a good
look at yourself, your values and goals. How far do you want to go with that
person now? Later?
It's important to talk about your feelings. Becoming sexually active means
looking at the relationship and examining why you want to have intercourse. It
means taking responsibility for preventing an unplanned pregnancy and the spread
of sexually transmitted diseases. Many couples decide not to include sexual
intercourse in their activities because of the risks, or because they just don't
feel ready.
So, how do you say "no" without hurting the other person, making him or her
dislike you and say bad things about you? How do you say "no" so that the other
person knows you really mean it? Here are some things to think about:
1. Work out an understanding with your partner. Talk things over before they go
further than you both want.
2. Remind yourself that your partner doesn't need to have sexual intercourse; if
you can wait, your partner can wait.
3. You don't have to explain, but you can give a reason if you want to, such as
"I've made up my mind to wait," or "I'm not ready to get involved."
4. Remember how important birth control and parenthood are.
5. It's easy to get a sexually transmitted disease. These may be painful or
uncomfortable, and can cause infertility or sterility. "Infertility" means being
unable to have a baby, and "sterility" means being unable to father a child.
6. Respect yourself. Know that the right person will wait for you.
7. Consider your goals for yourself in education, career and other areas of your
life.
8. Believe in yourself. Remember your personal values, and do what is right for
you.
In some relationships, guys or girls try to talk another person into
intercourse. Some lines that people use are:
"If you really love me you'll prove it."

"Everybody's doing it."

"I'll take care of you."

"I'll stop before you could get pregnant."

"If you don't want to have sex with me I'll leave you."
or,

"I'll find somebody who will."

Remember, no one has the right to pressure you into having intercourse. It's
your decision.
Sometimes people feel that having intercourse will solve their problems. Some
unhealthy reasons for having intercourse are:
You want to hold onto a relationship that's breaking up.

Your friends are all doing it (or say they are).

You want to prove that you are very feminine or very masculine.

You want to get pregnant to make him marry you.

You've had intercourse before; there's no point in holding back any more.

You were high and it just happened.

If you are ready to have sexual intercourse, then you need to be ready to take
responsibility for birth control and avoiding the spread of sexually transmitted
diseases. Relying on luck is not good enough. Find out as much as you can so you
can make the best choice. Kissing, hugging, petting, mutual masturbation all can
be healthier and safer than intercourse -- and just as sexy.
The more sure you are of yourself, the less likely you are to be flattered or
frightened into doing something you're not ready for. Think carefully. Avoid
alcohol and drugs, as well as people or situations that keep you from thinking
for yourself. Talk things over with someone you trust. You have many choices,
make the decisions that seem best for you. You deserve that!
You can read other Facts of Life Netline messages about sexuality. Talk to
someone you respect and trust. Or, you can call a local Planned Parenthood
organization or Public Health Unit -- see References/Resources.

Sexual Concerns of Teens
Teenagers have many questions about sexuality. One of the most common is "Am I
normal?" Most teens are concerned about body changes, fantasies, being sexually
attracted to others and having sexual feelings. Teens are also curious about
heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, masturbation, sexual satisfaction
and just feeling OK about being curious. You may also have questions about birth
control, pregnancy, abortion, sexually transmitted diseases and how to make
decisions. It is normal to be interested in all of these. You may find answers
to some of your questions in other Facts of Life Netline messages.
Normal sexual body changes for a woman occur between 8 and 18 years of age.
Changes in the amount of special chemicals in her body, called "hormones" cause
her breasts, usterus, ovaries and vagina to develop. These changes can affect
her feelings about her body. Hormones are also connected to menstruation or
periods. Menstruation is one sign that a girl is physically changing into a
woman.
For a young man, sexual body changes occur between 11 and 20 years of age. They
include growth in the size of the testicles and the scrotum, or sac, that holds
the testicles. Hormones start to make sperm in the testicles. Many boys have
"wet dreams", a release of white fluid from their penis during sleep. The fluid
is called "semen" and contains sperm. Wet dreams are a sign that a boy is
physically changing into a man. A clear fluid can come out of an aroused penis
before ejaculation; it also contains sperm.
Masturbation, or rubbing your own body for sexual pleasure, is normal. It is
done by young and old people, men and women. It can also be done with a partner,
when the couple isn't ready for intercourse, or to avoid pregnancy or spreading
a sexually transmitted disease.
Pregnancy occurs if a woman's egg is fertilized by a man's sperm. Usually, the
first sign of a pregnancy is missing a period. At that time, the woman is
probably about six weeks pregnant.
Missing a period may be caused by many things other than pregnancy: illness,
stress, change in diet, etc. But, if a woman has had intercourse she should get
a pregnancy test right away. If a couple has unprotected intercourse or if the
condom breaks, and they do not want to start a pregnancy, the woman may go to a
doctor or clinic and ask for the "Morning After Pill". But, she has to get the
Morning After Pill within 3 days of the intercourse. Or, she might be able to
get a "post-coital IUD" within 5 to 7 days, to stop pregnancy.
A woman who is pregnant has three choices: having the baby and keeping it,
giving it up for adoption, or having an abortion. You may want to read to the
Facts of Life Netline messages about these.
For some young men and women, hormone changes can cause "mood swings". Sexual
feelings and fantasies and feelings can also increase because of hormone
changes. Some young people have very strong desires and spend a lot of time
daydreaming. It is common to be concerned about what others think of them, get
confused, rebel and worry about the future.
It's also normal to be curious about heterosexuality -- sexual relationships
with someone of the opposite sex, homosexuality -- or sexual relationships with
someone of the same sex, and bisexuality -- sexual relationships with people of
both sexes. You might find it helpful to talk over your thoughts and feelings
with someone you trust, such as your parents, a counsellor, a teacher, a school
nurse, your doctor, a clergyperson or a friend. The Facts of Life Netline
message on Homosexuality, under Sexuality in the Index, gives more information.
There are many books about teenage questions and concerns. Two books are The
Teenage Body Book and Changing Bodies, Changing Lives. You might also read the
Facts of Netlife Line message on Making Decisions About Sex, also in the Index
under Sexuality, or other topics. Or, you can call a local Planned Parenthood
organization or Public Health Unit -- see References/Resources.

Masturbation
Masturbation is a normal activity that people do alone or with a partner.
Masturbation means rubbing or touching your body in a way that arouses sexual
feelings and might produce an orgasm. It is called many things, including
"jerking off" and "playing with yourself".
Many people used to think that masturbation could seriously affect a person's
health. Today, we know that it does not cause physical harm. Most people see it
as a normal part of sexuality, a way to fulfil sexual needs. Both men and women
masturbate. Children, young people, adults, seniors, single and married people
can all masturbate.
Some people do not masturbate. Some do not get pleasure from it and others do
not feel comfortable touching their bodies. In some religions, it is not
acceptable. Some people never masturbate throughout their lives: all of these
choices are normal.
Masturbation can give pleasure, can be relaxing, and is an outlet for sexual
tension. It is often used as a way of understanding how your body works. If a
woman doesn't have orgasms easily, masturbation can help her learn how.
For many couples, caressing their partners' genitals to bring about orgasm is a
very pleasurable way of being intimate without having intercourse. The couple
might be trying to avoid pregnancy or practising safer sex. Or, maybe they have
decided they are not ready for intercourse.
Masturbation is unacceptable if it is done in front of a person who has not
wanted or permitted it.
There are some things to keep in mind. Touching genitals with dirty hands can
spread germs. Putting a sharp or unclean object into a vagina or anus is risky.
Muscles around the anus are not flexible, and the anus may tear or bleed.
A family doctor or counsellor can talk to you about masturbation. They are there
to help. Or, you can call a local Planned Parenthood organization or Public
Health Unit -- see References/Resources.

Outercourse vs. Intercourse
Outercourse is the word used to describe all of the sexual things you and your
partner can do together, everything except sexual intercourse.
Some of these things are holding hands; kissing; hugging; necking; petting;
masturbating each other, or mutual masturbation; and oral sex. These activities
can all be very satisfying -- and sexy! Remember -- you can get sexually
transmitted diseases from oral sex. Also, ejaculating or "coming" near a woman's
vagina can start a pregnancy.
Passionate kissing and heavy petting can lead very quickly to intercourse. It is
important that you and your partner discuss your limits before you start. Make
sure each of you understands just how far you're willing to go physically. This
way, you won't have sexual intercourse without planning to. Respect yourself and
respect your partner: "No" means No.
Having intercourse if both partners don't really want to can have a negative
effect on a relationship. Things may start out well, with long talks and lots of
laughs, but intercourse too early may put an end to everything else.
Whether you have intercourse or outercourse, or no sexual activity at all, is a
decision that you must make for yourself. So, don't let anyone else talk you
into doing anything you don't want to do or don't feel ready for. Your body is
your own and you are the only one to decide what you will or will not do with
it. Don't be afraid to say "No". If you'd like to talk to somebody you can call
your local Planned Parenthood organization or Health Unit -- see
References/Resources.

Sexuality and Aging
Maturity brings with it different goals and values in all aspects of life
including sexuality. Although sexuality is with us throughout life, sexual
behaviours and attitudes change as we change over the years.
The media portray young people as glamorous and "sexy', so we associate
sexuality with youth. It is difficult, then, and embarrassing, for young people
to think of their parents, or any older people, as sexually active. In fact,
most older people continue to share sexual relationships all their lives. But,
there are gradual differences in our sexuality that occur as we age.
As men get older they may take longer to get an erection and longer to achieve
orgasm, or "come". It also takes longer before another erection can happen. Some
orgasms are internal, that is, they happen without the ejaculation of semen.
Worrying about changes in sexual response can make the response slower. Nearly
every man can't get an erection at times. This is normal, and usually temporary.
Men may try other types of sexual activities if they no longer rely on an
erection.
A woman's vagina may become somewhat stretched after having children. It becomes
less elastic and dryer as she reaches menopause. Water-soluble lubricants,
available at drug stores, can help prevent pain or discomfort during
intercourse.
Both men and women are usually able to come to climax and have orgasms all their
lives, whether or not they choose to include intercourse in their love-making.
Stress, financial and job worries, tragedies, all of life's cares, affect
interest in sex. So does feeling angry, depressed, and tired, taking medication,
and being offended by a partner's habits. Alcohol slows responses, while
increasing desire.
Some older couples find that not having to worry about pregnancy makes sex more
enjoyable. After children have left home there is more privacy. More relaxed
love-making can mean more imaginative techniques, more creative expressions of
intimacy. People like to be touched and hugged no matter what their age.
Affection and closeness are important to everyone's health.
People who have health problems may find that a different position is easier and
more enjoyable. Mutual masturbation or oral sex may be very satisfying. If a
person is alone, masturbation may bring sexual relief and pleasure. Read the
message on Masturbation, under Sexuality in the Index.
Books can answer some questions. Or, you can talk with a counsellor or a person
who works with older people.

Sex Therapy
Sex therapy is used to help people accept and increase enjoyment of their
sexuality. It is based on the ideas that sex is normal and good, that
relationships can be meaningful, and that sexual intimacy is a normal goal. Some
of the reasons people go to a sex therapist are:
problems with sexual arousal, such as being unable to have an erection or an
orgasm.

problems with painful intercourse.

a problem with sexual satisfaction.

difficulties talking about sex, and

understanding and exploring their sexual orientation.

In some cases, people have problems as a result of illness or physical
disability.
During therapy, people learn to accept that it is okay to be sexual, to have
sexual feelings, fantasies and needs, and to get sexual pleasure from your own
body. A good sex therapist gives accurate, practical information about sex. Some
people get help taking responsibility for their own sexual pleasure by learning
to communicate and share with their partners what feels good and what they want.
Individuals and couples can become more aware of themselves and each other, and
gain a deeper understanding of their relationships. They are encouraged to make
time in their lives for sexual intimacy. Sometimes therapists give exercises for
clients to practise at home. These exercises can help clients learn to enjoy and
respond to sexual stimulation without worrying about performance.
A sex therapist may be trained as a sexologist, social worker, psychologist,
physician, or counsellor, but should have training in how to help people deal
with sexual problems.
In Ontario, sex therapists are not licensed, so anyone can call himself or
herself a sex therapist. The Ontario Association of Marriage and Family
Therapists has names of therapists who are certified by the Board of Examiners
in Sexual Therapy and Counselling in Ontario. The Association's phone number is
1-800- 267-2638.

Homosexuality: Being Gay or Lesbian
It's hard to be different in our culture. We have pressure all around us to be
like everyone else. Even though it may seem like everyone is sexually attracted
to the opposite sex, this is not true. Some people are homosexual: they are
attracted to people of the same sex. In Canada and the United States, there are
gay men and lesbians in every occupation, leading successful lives.
When most of a person's sexual thoughts and activities are about people of the
same sex, this person may be homosexual. Women who are sexually attracted to
other women are called lesbians. Some people use the word "gay" to include both
male and female homosexuals, but usually it is used for men only. People who are
sexually attracted to members of the opposite sex are heterosexual, sometimes
called "straight". Some people are attracted to both people of the same sex and
the opposite sex; these people are bisexual.
People may feel strongly attracted to a person of the same sex. Someone can
think and fantasize about people of the same sex without necessarily being
homosexual. Young people, especially, need to explore their feelings.
Just because you are attracted to a person does not mean that you have to have
sex with them. You may admire the person and or have a loving, caring, sharing
relationship without sex. You do not have to be sexual with anyone until you are
ready.
The stereotypes of homosexuals on television or in movies bother many people.
Most gays and lesbians do not look or act any different from anyone else.
We do not know why people are heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. There are
many theories but no clear answers. Many people have sexual fantasies about both
sexes, and sometimes feel confused about whether they are gay or straight. With
time and sometimes help from others, most people can sort out their feelings and
sexual orientation.
If you think that you are gay or lesbian, it may be hard to tell others about
your sexuality. You may feel afraid of losing friends or family members or your
job. However, it may be a huge relief to tell even one person. But don't rush
into it. Tell someone you really trust. And remember that it may take time for
people to adjust and to deal with the news.
"Coming out" or telling others that you are homosexual is a life-long process;
it's never finished. As you become more self- confident it will be easier to
tell others. There might be support groups that you can join in your community.
If you are a parent or a friend of someone who has told you they are homosexual,
you might feel disappointed, upset or worried. Try to deal with the news in a
way which tells the person that you still love them and care for them. As a
parent, you may have plans for your child's life, and this wasn't part of your
plans. But being gay or lesbian isn't bad. Homosexuals are not sick and they
don't need to change or be cured. It is important to support your child or
friend now. That person trusts and respects you enough to confide in you. They
need you. Your love and understanding will help them accept themselves as they
are.
There are books on this subject. It may help to talk to someone you trust. The
Kids Help Phone Line, 1-800-668-6868, is a toll-free number that has counsellors
24 hours a day. . You can also call a local Planned Parenthood organization or
Public Health Unit -- see References/Resources.

How To Talk To Your Child about Sex
Many parents find it hard to talk to their children about sex. Yet children WANT
to know, and if they don't get accurate information from their parents, they'll
probably get inaccurate information from friends, TV, films and magazines. They
are curious about sex, just as they are about everything else. Studies show that
young people who talk with their parents about sex tend to wait longer to have
intercourse. They are more likely to use birth control and to take precautions
against getting sexually transmitted diseases when they do have intercourse.
Here are some general tips that other parents have found helpful for talking to
their children.
Be available. Watch for clues that show they want to talk. Remember that your
comfort with the subject is important. They need to get a feeling of trust from
you.
Answer questions honestly and without showing embarrassment, even if the time
and place do not seem appropriate. A short answer may be best for the moment.
Then return to the subject later.
Avoid babyish words. Using correct names for body parts and their functions
shows that they are normal and OK to talk about.
It's OK to say, "I don't know." Nobody knows everything, and when you can't
answer a question, that can be an opportunity to learn with your child. Tell
your child that you'll get the information and continue the discussion later, or
do the research together. Then be sure to do this soon. Don't duck the question
or expect your partner or a professional to handle it, although they can add to
your answer.
Some people claim that sex education encourages sexual activity; however,
studies show that the earlier you start education the better. If they are old
enough to ask questions, they are old enough to get good answers.
Practice talking about sex with your spouse, another family member or a friend.
This will help you feel more comfortable when you do talk with your child.
If your child doesn't ask, look for ways to bring up the subject. For example,
you may know a pregnant woman, watch the birth of a pet, or see a baby getting a
bath. Use a TV program or film to start a discussion. Libraries and schools have
good books about sex for all ages.
Talk about sex more than once. Children need to hear things again and again over
the years to really understand, because their level of understanding changes as
they grow older. Make certain that you talk about feelings, not just actions.
Answer the question that is asked. Respect your child's desire for information.
But, don't overload the child with too much information at once. Try to give
enough information to answer the question clearly, yet encourage further
discussion.
Privacy is important, for both you and your child. If your child doesn't want to
talk, say, "OK, let's talk about it later," and do. Don't forget about it. Never
search a child's room, drawers or purse for "evidence". Never listen in on a
telephone or private conversation.
Listen to your children. They want to know that their questions and concerns are
important. The world they're growing up in is different from what yours was.
Laughing at or ignoring a child's question may stop them from asking again. They
will get information, accurate or inaccurate, from other sources.
Share your values. If your jokes, behaviour or attitudes don't show respect for
sexuality, then you cannot expect your child to be sexually healthy. They learn
attitudes about love, caring, and responsibility from you, whether you talk
about it or not. Tell your child what your values are about sex and about life.
Find out what they value in their lives.
Talk about your concern for their health and their future.
There are books which may be helpful, or you can call a local Planned Parenthood
organization or Public Health Unit -- see References/Resources

How To Talk To Your Parents About Sex
When you were younger you probably asked your parents about your body, about
where babies come from, or how they get into their "mommy's tummy". Some adults
answer such questions easily, helping the child feel comfortable about asking
more. Others are embarrassed, and may laugh, or ignore the question, or give
false information.
No matter how your questions were treated when you were younger, you can still
talk to your parents about sex. One thing is certain: parents were young once
themselves. They have felt afraid and uncertain, and have been through some of
the same experiences you're going through.
You already have a good idea of your parents' values and culture. Your own
values are formed originally from theirs, but also from your friends, other
adults, films, books, religious teaching and others. Some of your values might
be different from theirs. Some questions about sex have factual answers. Others
are a matter of what is thought to be right and wrong, good or bad.
If possible, choose a time to talk to your parent when you won't be interrupted:
in the car or the kitchen, or late at night. But, respect your parents' privacy,
just as you want them to respect yours.
If you disagree with them about "rules" or how they want you to behave, ask
yourself some questions. Have you shown them you are responsible? Are they
worried about your safety, or pregnancy, or sexually transmitted diseases? If
you make a promise, stick to it. Can you make a deal that will help you both?
Watching TV or a video together is often a good time to talk about sex. You may
state your opinion of what you've just seen. Or, when parents mention friends'
or relatives' problems or behaviour, that may be a good chance to talk.
You can open a conversation with a general question, such as "How old were you
when you had your first boy (or girl) friend?", or, "Did you ever talk to your
parents about dating?" Beginning a conversation with "I feel...", or "Could you
tell me more about..." will help. Saying "You're wrong" can make talking more
difficult.
Your talk will probably go better if you stay calm. If you are angry or
emotional, it may be better to say, "I'll talk to you later," and leave the
room. This can show maturity, and give you a chance to think about what you
really want to say. It might help to rehearse what you want to say or ask
beforehand.
Maybe it's hard to believe, but most couples have sexual relationships most of
their lives. Because film and TV stars are young and glamorous, young people
often have the idea that their parents no longer have romance or sexual
feelings. They probably do, and they also have a lifetime of experiences.
Getting some facts can help you. Find books, or get brochures from clinics. You
can call a local Planned Parenthood organization or Public Health Unit -- see
References/Resources.

Men's Sexual Concerns
Most men have sexual concerns at some time. They wonder about why they can't
always "get it up", whether they are impotent, or why they "come" so quickly, or
why they "come" only through masturbation and not with their partner.
There is a wide range of sexual behaviour and desire. Some people like different
positions, different techniques, and others don't. Whatever a man likes is
normal for him. He does not have to do what he believes other men do. It is
wrong to force another person into any unwanted sexual activity. Force and abuse
are criminal acts.
At some time during their lives most men find that they are not able to keep an
erection long enough to get satisfaction. It may be a result of being sick,
tired, stressed or offended by their partner, or due to alcohol, drugs or
medication. But worrying about an erection makes it less likely to happen or, if
it does, to keep it long enough. Doctors can help if there is a medical problem.
And a sex therapist can help if there is a psychological problem.
The most common sexual concern of young men is premature ejaculation, or
"coming" too quickly. This is a learned behaviour, usually from being rushed in
the past during sexual activity or masturbation. If a man begins to recognize
the feelings that come just before ejaculation, he can learn to slow down and
control these feelings. By holding hard onto the penis, by starting and stopping
his movements, he can, with practice, overcome this difficulty. Or, he can
ejaculate first, either by masturbating with his partner or by himself, then a
second ejaculation a few minutes later will be slower and more satisfying. There
are books or qualified sex therapists to help.
Sometimes a man has difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner, even though he
has no trouble becoming hard and no trouble when he masturbates. There is
usually a psychological reason for this. He may feel guilty about sexual
activity, or afraid of making a woman pregnant or getting a sexually transmitted
disease. Talking to your partner about what you like and what feels good can
help a lot. If you need help, this type of difficulty can usually be treated
very successfully by a qualified sex therapist.
You can learn more about sexuality by reading books and pamphlets, or talking to
a counsellor or doctor. You can call a local Planned Parenthood organization or
Public Health Unit -- see References/Resources.

Women's Sexual Concerns
Many women have concerns about their sexuality. They wonder if they are normal,
or why they have trouble having orgasms, or whether they don't enjoy sex as much
as other women do, or why intercourse is sometimes painful.
There is a wide range of behaviour and desire. Some people like different
positions, different techniques, and others don't. Whatever a woman likes is
normal for her. She does not have to do what she believes other women do. It is
wrong to force another person into any unwanted sexual activity. Force and abuse
are criminal acts.
Common worries are not having an orgasm or not enjoying sex. These can be helped
if a woman understands her body and can communicate with her partner. She can
learn what feels good, and what she doesn't like. The clitoris, just above the
vagina, is the source of most sexual pleasure. During intercourse the clitoris
is not usually touched in the way a woman needs. A woman or her partner can
stimulate her clitoris during "foreplay" or intercourse, or after the man
ejaculates, to help her have an orgasm. She can discover what gives her the most
pleasure, either with her partner or alone through masturbation. What a woman
likes can change during a lifetime.
When a woman is stimulated, her vagina becomes moist. This natural lubricant
makes intercourse easier. Some people use a water-based lubricant to add even
more moisture. This can be bought at a drug store, (never use petrolium based
lubricants).
A woman can communicate her feelings and desires to her partner through words or
body language. Partners will probably find that if they can communicate, they
will have more pleasure and satisfaction.
Fear of pregnancy, getting a sexually transmitted disease or being caught can
all keep a person from enjoying sex. Feeling tired, stress, illness and alcohol
also affect sexual feelings. Negative sexual experiences, such as abuse, rape or
just being taught that sex is dirty or wrong all have lasting effects. But
sometimes there is a physical problem that a doctor can treat. Psychological
problems can nearly always be helped by a qualified sex therapist.
You can learn more about sexuality by reading books and pamphlets, or by talking
to a counsellor or doctor if you have questions. You can call a local Planned
Parenthood organization or Public Health Unit -- see References/Resources.

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