Title: Nova: East of Eden

Feedback: I love it more then chocolate.

Rating: NC-17 for possible graphic violence and sexual situations.

Warning: Minor character death and sexual situations.

Disclaimer: Not mine, I’m making no money, just playing.

Classification: Angst, Post-Colonization-sequel to my fic ‘Nova’, available at my page, Ephemeral, Gossamer, and, Annex to name a few.

Spoilers: It’s a WIP, so I really don’t know what will happen. But anything up to but not including the 7^th season finale is fair game. PLEASE PLEASE don’t try to read this fic without reading ‘Nova’ first. Thank you.

Summery: Five years have passed since the ending of ‘Nova’, one late night Scully looks back .

--If you are missing any parts of East of Eden they are at my page and Ephemeral.

Dedication: To Evie for her always perfect beta job and from the get go listening to my endless questions and whining. Melissa for her more then excited response when I told her of this fic, her encouragement and beta. And to all the original ‘Nova’ readers, I became addicted to your feedback and just had to get some more of it. I hope this WIP can live up the standards ‘Nova’ set for me.

Part 4/?

Present day…

Naturally Mulder is a very protective person. Having all that energy focused on me wasn’t easy to deal with when it happened. I thought it would lessen when Aeryn was born. But I was wrong, it multiplied. Many times I had to take a deep breath and try to ignore him. After all it would do me no good to get angry. He just can’t handle seeing me in distress.

The same went for Aeryn. One night, it was getting late and I was tired, I just wanted to fall into bed then into a hopefully dreamless sleep. But Aeryn, being just a few months old then, had other ideas. She was a very well behaved baby, but she had her moments. This was one of them. She wasn’t hungry, her diaper was dry, no fever, didn’t want to be held or rocked or left in her crib alone it seemed. But Mulder wouldn’t let her be, he just couldn’t stand to watch her fuss and squirm. I silently watched him pace the room, bouncing Areyn lightly on his shoulder before I told him to just leave her in her crib, let her fuss until she cried to be nursed or wore herself out and fell asleep. He had turned and looked at me in complete shock, "I will NOT do that," then continued on. By his reaction you would have thought I told him to put her outside of Nova for the night until she behaved. Shortly thereafter I fell sleep. I woke, a few hours later, immediately knowing Mulder wasn’t in bed. I turned to see him standing in the center of the room with Aeryn fast asleep on his shoulder. The look of complete relaxation and contentment was on his face as he held her, one hand lightly caressing her back, his cheek against her head. Each breath he took was deeper then usual as he inhaled that wonderfully fresh baby scent. I called to him softly, sorry to break the moment with his sleeping daughter, but knowing it was late and he needed his rest. He placed Aeryn in her crib after voicing his concerns that she would wake and fuss again. She did, but for only a moment before she rested again. Mulder stumbled into bed, obviously exhausted. I gladly took Aeryn’s place nestled against his chest and we all slept through until the early morning when Aeryn demanded attention and food. She only behaved like that a few more times in her infancy, and Mulder always did that same thing. He can’t handle suffering, his own is doable, but his family’s is completely out of the question.

So how could I tell him what happened? That I kept a pregnancy from him and mourned the loss on my own.

I have been able to face most of the guilt over the years. I hadn’t meant to keep the baby from him. I didn’t want to keep his hopes up so I hadn’t even mentioned the possibility. We had many false hopes after Aeryn was born, my period absent for months at a time, but soon I learned that was just how my body was handling our living conditions. We barely ever spoke about having another baby. There wasn’t much reason to, both knowing it was something we wanted more then our next breath. But I couldn’t allow our hopes to rise without reason. When I started to have morning sickness….I should have told him then. But this playful little voice in the back of my mind told me to wait, wait until I could think of a creative way to tell him our dream was coming true. It’s not easy to hide something from a smart man like that, I found distraction was the only way.

Four years earlier

Early fall…

Mulder frowned down at Scully burrowed beneath the sheets of the bed. Gingerly he sat down on the edge, stroking his hand through her hair. "Are you sure you are going to be alright?"

Scully nodding in what hopefully seemed a convincing manner. "Yes. I just want to rest a little longer. Amanda knows where to find me if she needs me." Scully just wanted to scream for him to go. To take Aeryn to the Care room, to go on to work for the day, so that she could clamber out of bed and empty her stomach. Biting her lip and breathing deeply was only getting her so far.

Still frowning, he nodded. "Ok… I’ll come check on you during lunch."

She smiled softly, feeling her stomach clench in agony. "Don’t worry. I’m just overtired I think."

"I gotta go." He mumbled to himself. Standing, he scooped Aeryn up in his arms then bent over Scully, dangling a giggling Aeryn so she could give her mother a kiss goodbye.

"Bye-bye mommy." She squealed as Mulder threw her over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry.

"Bye sweetie." She said just before Mulder leaned down for a kiss of his own.

"Get some rest." He said turning towards the door.

Scully made a vaguely agreeable voice as he watched Aeryn bounce on her father’s shoulder until the door closed.

Not sooner then the heavy wood was set in its frame did she roll of the bed and onto the floor, thankfully emptying her stomach in a bucket. When the retching ceased she leaned tiredly against the frame of the bed, breathing heavily. Even though her head ached and her stomach muscles quivered from the exertion she couldn’t help but smile. Another baby, another unexplainable miracle. A long time ago she stopped trying to find a reason for Aeryn’s birth. Tests from Before showed her body was still operating normally, hormones levels were low but still existent. The only hitch was there were supposedly no ova.

Four days later…

The first hot wet trickle down the inside of Scully’s thigh made her jump. The cramp in her abdomen that quickly followed started her heart pounding.

Trying to remain calm, she quickly put the jars she was stacking on a shelf in the Medical Room down and turned to go sit. The movement caused a new flow of liquid from her body.

With a lump in her throat, so large she could barely even get a breath in, Scully looked down at herself. "Oh God." She sobbed. The dark gray of her pants was now dark and sticky between her legs.

Amanda looked over at Scully. "Oh, Dana." She said softly at the sight of Scully’s pale and panicked face. "It’s ok, honey, come sit down." Amanda did everything she could not to laugh at Scully’s over reaction. She knew Scully had irregular menstrual cycles and after months and months without it her period often came as a shock.

Scully frantically shook her head, refusing to move even as she felt the clots of blood gathering at the edge of her shoe.

Amanda followed Scully’s gaze and for the first time noticed just how much blood there was. Something wasn’t right.

A sharp cramp in her belly and a wave of dizziness came over Scully and she stumbled, Amanda quickly took her elbow.

"Dana! What is going on?" Amanda helped lower Scully on a bed.

Scully bit back a groan of pain as another spasm went through her womb, a gush of blood following. "My baby." She sobbed, realizing for the first time that she was crying.

***

Amanda touched Scully’s shoulder lightly. "It seems to have stopped."

Scully looked over at her, her mind moving at the speed of molasses. Some how she managed to nod her agreement. The blood stopped, as did the cramping. Her body didn’t feel any pain any longer. She was numb, maybe in shock, she really didn’t care.

"Are you feeling better?" Amanda placed an extra blanket over Scully’s nude lower body then handed her a glass of water.

She drank gratefully with a shaking hand.

Amanda touched her shoulder gently. "If you think you are going to be ok alone I’ll go find Mulder."

Scully choked on her water in an attempt to stop Amanda. "No." She sputtered out. "He didn’t know I was pregnant." She spoke softly, horribly ashamed of herself.

Amanda sat beside her, taking the water from her hand. "Dana…why didn’t you tell him?"

"I…I wasn’t sure for so long so I hadn’t mentioned anything, it didn’t even cross my mind until a couple weeks ago. Then I didn’t want to get his hopes up if I was wrong." No more tears would come, but her eyes still burned with them. "Then, when I was sure I….I just didn’t know how to tell him." She looked up at Amanda with a small sad smile. "I wanted it to be special." All the moments in the past few days when she had almost, had come so close to telling Mulder about the baby flashed through her head. Why hadn’t she? What was so hard about blurting it out? At least then he would know, then she wouldn’t have to do this alone. When Emily died she turned away his support, she didn’t know why she did that then. It would have to so much easier to have him there with her. She felt cold, deep down cold. The only thing that would warm her were Mulder’s arms, she knew that. But how could she tell him now?

Amanda was silent for a few moments before nodding. "What do we do now? You should stay here tonight but if you don’t want to tell Mulder you should go back to your room…. Do you want to tell him?"

"I can’t." Scully whispered brokenly. "It would tear him apart."

"Dana, I know you don’t have any secrets with Mulder, but this would be one. A big one."

Scully rubbed her hand over her face. "I can’t. I can’t do this to him if I don’t have to." Visions of what the scene would be like, if Mulder walked in at the moment, if she told him that the baby he would never know, not even in the womb, was gone. What would he do? It would be so easy for him to be angry with her, so easy for him to grieve for the rest of his life, the possibilities were endless.

"Ok." Amanda said softly, in a tone that told she didn’t approve. "Let’s get you in some clean clothes and back to your room before Mulder gets back."

***

Scully flinched when she heard the doorknob turning. This wasn’t going to be easy, she knew that, she hated lied to Mulder, and she rarely got away with it. Her mind tried to convince her this wasn’t a lie, Mulder had no idea she was pregnant, she was just keeping something from him. But she didn’t keep things from Mulder either.

"Hey." Mulder said, surprised to see Scully in their room, much less laying in bed. "Are you ok? You look pale." He sat carefully on the edge of the bed with a deep frown.

"I’m alright. Tired though." Scully stumbled over her words.

Reaching out, Mulder touched the back of his fingers to her cheek, turning her so she looked into his eyes. "Are you sure?"

Scully opened her mouth to speak, but she found no words for a moment. "I must be coming down with something. I just need to rest."

Mulder began searching her eyes. "What’s going on?"

She forced out a tense laugh. "Nothing, Mulder. Don’t worry, I’m just not feeling well. You know I haven’t been for the past few weeks." He began to speak again but she interrupted. "Can you go get Aeryn from the Care Room? I left the Medical Room early so-"

"Yeah, I’ll go now." Leaning over he gently kissed her cheek. "You rest, I’ll be right back."

Scully nodded weakly and watched as he quickly stood to get his daughter.

Present day…

I never told Mulder about the miscarriage, he has no idea it happened. The day following the miscarriage Amanda asked me how I was doing, that was all, we never spoke of it.

What caused me to lose that baby is a mystery. I’m a doctor and I know it could be a million different thing,, but whatever it was I haven’t become pregnant since. I can’t help but wonder if there is something wrong with my body…why can’t I carry any more children? There are obviously eggs in my ovaries, at least that is what I hope.

I don’t think God wants my children to live.

Notes: I’ve decided to blame all this angst on Scully’s behavior, and the change in opening credits, on last Sunday night’s episode. I’m am NOT happy….=*(