I can tell you that I first tried to slash my wrist at the age of 11. I told everyone at school that I cut my wrist on my locker, and they all believed me. I had major ups and major downs and did not even realize it until I was in my 20's. I was in an extremely abusive marriage (physically and emotionally abusive) and I was at the end of my rope. Couldn't sleep or eat, went almost non-stop with an hour nap here or there, for months. I'm not kidding. I was enrolled in college full-time, had a full-time grave shift job, had to go to physical therapy for some injuries at the hand of my ex, babysat for the woman I think he was running around with.....hmmm that doesn't seem too smart.
I was handling everything including "Desert Storm" (my ex was Air Force) and suddenly one day while he was mocking my crying, I snapped. I knew that I was going to kill him, myself or both. I walked straight passed him, out the door and to the mental health clinic on base. They wanted to give me an appointment for about a wek later, then when I fell to pieces in the office, they figured they better see me right away.
And there started my journey on the BIG rollercoaster, through the world of drug therapies, and counseling. I was in a black pit. I could see it all around me. I could feel it, but I was powerless to do anything about it. I was first diagnosed with atypical depresion, then as having Major depression, then Bipolar II, and now Bipolar I. It really doesn't matter what name they give it, as long as you are getting treatment that works for YOU.
I was first hospitalized after I left my ex. We were still married, he didn't come visit or anything. I was in the hospital for 32 days. (or something like that). After some medication, I actually SAW the top of the "pit" and eventually my way out.
I went through the Air Force Docs for a while. Then I got a job with benefits and switched over to a psychiatrist that I have been with since 1992. I STILL have not found a counselor/psychologist/LCSW that I can deal with. Being STUPID and bipolar, I tend to stop taking my meds once I feel better and have been on disability for over 2 years, been admitted to the hospital 3 times and been through the day hospital deal 3-4 times. I am still severely depressed at this point, but now at least I am cycling - it's horrible, but it is sort of an improvement.
There's a lot more to my story, but really, I don't want to bore you. Let's just say that I am experiencing my worst depression at what should be the happiest point of my life. I am in a new marriage with a wonderful man, have more freedom and less bruises and broken bones, etc. I guess my point is that I understand a lot, and that if you are experiencing "weird" feelings, I completely understand. I just want you to know that there are more people "out here" just like you, or close to what you are thinking and feeling and I/we understand. And there is help. And there is hope. And there is light at the end of the tunnel....and I promise it's not an "oncoming train" -- that's a joke between me and my friends. And now you are included too.
Utilize the things you find here. I have and a lot of them have helped. Particularly the support-group.com designated chats for depression and bipolar
disorder.
If I can be of any help to you, let me know....please see disclaimer on front page.
http://www.oocities.org/Heartland/Estates/4465
