July 29th

It's time for an overview of my situation. I am generally so focused on the present that I have to sometimes step back and take a look at "where I'm at." First though, it's worth mention that I am going to have the port removed from my arm in two days. It will be done on an outpatient surgery basis. I stopped by the surgeon's office to make the appointment. I noticed that his bill for me for the 'installation' surgery was $910. So far, I'm not sure how expensive all this is going to be. Luckily our insurance is going to cover most of it so there will be no financial burden. But if I didn't have insurance? I'll try to figure all the money out when the bills come in. I'll report it in the journal here because it is an integral part of the whole illness. A guy could get sick having to pay all the bills.

So what am I thinking now? First, I'm feeling well and of course, I've got my fingers crossed that everything is proceeding as it should. But there is a vast grey area. I won't know for some time if I am completely cured. In the meantime, what can I do to help myself?

Second, I am watching very carefully what I eat, making an effort to eat 'healthy' foods, avoiding fats, sugars, and overly processed foods. I still want ice cream, and eat it, so I don't think you'll find me in a monastery soon. I'm taking more vitamins and adding a few supplements, in particular, echinacea, selenium, and melatonin. I've always enjoyed finding and eating ginseng so in the fall I plan to add that to my list as well.

Third, I am having no trouble exorcizing the demons. That is, exorcizing the bad habits of drinking alcohol and caffeine. I think I miss the taste of a beer when I am thirsty more than I miss the taste of coffee. But I feel that I've got to give myself every possible chance for a complete recovery. In this regard this is a small price to pay.

In my efforts to keep better in tune with my feelings I am having some success. I can now during quiet periods quickly establish a method of getting feedback from my body. One thing I do is concentrate on a part of my body and then try to feel the pulse there. It works. It's probably easiest with the toes and fingers. Try to focus all your attention in the little finger of your left hand. Pretty soon you can feel the blood pulsing through it. Now move the attention to some other part of your body and do the same thing. This helps to get my mind from thinking so much and into feeling. Into healing.

I've come up with an image that I think will work for me. I was watching a documentary on TV about insects. They were showing termites. The queen is a massive, bulging, writhing creature who excretes eggs from her abdomen at an incredible rate. So I am trying to visualize the large bones of my body in a similar manner. They are pulsing with life. They contain the marrow that is the site of birth of blood cells. They are incredibly vital. They are giving birth to white blood cells that are popping out of them like eggs from a queen termite.

Now, this is a weird image. Don't worry, my mind is fine. But it's an easy image to conjure. That is the key. Find something in the imagination that symbolizes the task and focus on it. It may not do a darn bit of good, but I'm having a new appreciation for termites. I'll try anything if it helps me to achieve my goal of good health. If you have a good idea send it to me

I have several friends who have been supplying me with information, articles, books, and catalogs about cancer and it's treatments. It can be slightly ovewhelming and contradictory so I am moving slowly reading and evaluating all of it. I appreciate everyone's interest in me and their attempts to help. I think that has a healing effect. I can't imagine what it would be like if nobody cared if I got well or withered away to nothing.

I am working more. I'm finding that some days I have quite a bit of strength. Today I spent four hours hauling brush and tree limbs to a 'chipper' to have it ground up. It did not tire me much. But on other days, a small amount of exercise seems to make me fairly tired. The weather may have some effect here to. It has been rather hot and humid lately.

There you have it. That's how I am at present.

August 1st