Sick E.M.S. JOKES
Why are an ALS (Advanced Life Support) unit and a porcupine different?
The ALS unit has all the pricks on the inside.
A medic goes to an MVA and finds a Porsche that sideswiped a concrete pillar, tearing the drivers
arm off. As the medic is coming at him through the passenger door, the driver is moaning "Oh, my
Porsche...Oh, my Porsche, Oh my poor poor Porsche!"
The medic says, "Pal, forget about your car, look at your arm."
The yuppie looks down where his arm used to be and moans, "Oh my Rolex...Oh, my Rolex!"
Q. What did the Paramedic say to the stroke patient with left side paralysis?
A. You're going to be all right!
Three medics are walking on a beach, taking a break from an ambulance
convention on a tropical island. They happen upon an antique bottle
and in examining it, they all-too-predictably release the genie trapped
inside. He offers them the obligatory three wishes and they agree to
split them: one each.
The first medic, an Advanced EMT, says, "I want to be ten times smarter so I can
better help my patients!"
"A noble wish, Master!", says the genie as he waves his hands.
"Granted!" The Advanced EMT is ten times smarter.
The second medic, a
Paramedic, says "Well, I would like to be a hundred
times smarter, to better help all the patients I have to work on."
"Another noble wish!", says the genie and he makes the second medic a
hundred times smarter.
The third medic, a Field Supervisor, pipes up and says, "I wish to be a
thousand times smarter, in order to best help all the patients that I
must care for, genie."
The genie cocks an eyebrow at him and says, "Are you quite sure that
that is your wish?"
"Yes, that is my wish! A thousand times smarter", asserts the third
medic.
"Very well! The most noble wish of all! Granted!!", booms the genie
and he waves his hands.
The supervisor is now an EMT.
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate
on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when
you have a few parts left over at the end..."
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says,
"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.
Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
An eminent heart specialist was at a glittering social function and was
in animated conversations with a lovely young thing wearing a great deal
of makeup and the barest minimum of clothing. It was only a few minutes
too late that the good doctor became aware that his wife, whom he
thought was safely in the next room, was watching him with a steely
glare.
Clearing his throat, the doctor said, "Ah, my dear, that young lady over
there and I were just indulging in a purely professional consultation."
"So I can well imagine," said his wife icily, "but was it your
profession, or hers?"
Q: Doctor, doctor! Do you make house calls?
A: Only if your house is sick!
While working at the lumber yard pushing a tree through the buzz saw,
a guy accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the
emergency room. The doctor's says, "Yuk! Well, give me the fingers,
and I'll see what I can do."
The guy says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, 'you haven't got the fingers'? It's
1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I
could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring
the fingers?"
He says, "Well, heck, doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we
are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering
payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in
my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
"Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little
change..."
The general was confined to the military hospital for
treatment of a minor malady.
For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself,
irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding
attention and expecting his every order to be followed
immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a
private room, his meals were too cold or not served to
suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his
demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his
rest...and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to
take your temperature, General."
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his
mouth to accept the thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your
temperature from the other end."
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the
orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what
the test called for.
The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed
the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general,
"Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five
minutes to check up on you," and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the
general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's
going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken?" the general barked.
"Yes, I have, General, but not with a daffodil!"
A nurse is doing her rounds on the ward when she overhears a
conversation coming from the day room......
"I'm sure it's spelled 'W O U M'" says one man.
"No, I think you'll find it's spelled 'W O O M'" replies another.
The nurse interjects "I'm sorry, but it's spelled W O M B."
"Listen dear," replies one of the men, "have you ever heard a whale fart
before?"
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It all depends on the light bulb's health plan!
Three physicians were knocking on the Pearly Gate and wanted
permission to enter. St. Peter asked the first one, "What did
you do on earth?"
He said, "I treated the poor patients free."
Peter said, "ENTER."
The second doctor replied to the same question. "I was involved
in reserach to find a cure against AIDS."
Peter said, "ENTER."
The third gave this answer: "I was an HMO physician."
Peter said, "Enter, but only for four weeks."
Doctor comes home and finds he has no water so he calls a plumber.
The plumber walks in and has the water back on in five minutes.
The plumber turns around and hands the doctor a bill for $275.00.
The outraged doctor stammers, "I'm a Neuro-surgeon,not some damn
dumb plumber, and I don't even make that much for five minutes work!"
The plumber smiles and says, "Yeah, I know, I didn't make that much
when I was a Neuro-surgeon either."
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to
amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very
good offer on your slippers.
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery...
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops!"
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Damn, there go the lights again...."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got
two of them."
"What do you mean you want a divorce?"
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration
off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a
freak of nature!
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing!
An elderly black lady was involved in an MVA. While trying to get the
details of the accident, I asked her if the police had responded. "Yes",
she said. I then asked her if she was cited. "I was at first, but then I
calmed down", she replied.
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband
gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The
wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband,
rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he
rolls
back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?"
The difference between God and a Paramedic is that God doesn't think he's a Paramedic!
THANKS FOR THE SUBMISSIONS!
Instead of crediting each joke with the submitor, I've chosen to thank those who have submitted them here as I found it distracting to the jokes themselves to list them the other way.
Hope I haven't ticked you off! If any of the jokes appearing have not been credited and you are the proprietor of any materail, I apoligize! I can either remove the joke or credit you here.
Thanks go to Doug Somebody, Jim Cady, Vince Rock, Chris Clinkinbeard, Nancy Carson, David A. Rinke II, The Humour Man, Some guy named Ron
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This page is copyrighted © 1998 by Jim Sadlemyer. Updated 14 May 2001