Dear Dr. Holmes:Something is bothering me. I am male, 38 and married. Last week, I went to a popular beach resort. I met a couple from U.S.A. and we chatted the night away. At around 10:00 p.m,, the wife left her husband to sleep and so the husband and I talked and drank until midnight. I don't know how it happened but I will always remember the pleasure of the husband's sucking my cock.
I am confused about what occurred. Does it make me a homosexual? I don't know if you will believe me but it was my first time having sex with a man. And I feel so guilty right now; guilty because I enjoyed what he did.
I am not sure if am asking for any help, but can you share with me your thoughts?
RENE
Dear RENE:Of course I believe that this was the first time you had sex with a man and that, even if it was the very first time, you enjoyed it. Doing it once (or twice or thrice) does not make you a homosexual. It is perfectly understandable that you would enjoy what happened: the penis is chock-full of nerve endings and the man you were with was probably very good at what he was doing a-n-d, finally, the night, the resort, the good talk, the mystery, the surprise, all added to this being a truly enjoyable experience indeed.
IT happened. It was great. No amount of remonstrating, hair pulling or gnashing of teeth will change the past.
The more critical question is: What do you want to do about all this now, Rene?
How are you going to integrate this into your view of yourself and of your marriage? We are not perfect beings and a one-time “indiscretion” need not mar your whole life nor your marriage. You can take the experience as something beautiful and meaningful but, as one not to be repeated nonetheless because it may disrupt your life in ways you aren’t ready for. One of these disruptions include hurting your wife, whether she knew things for a fact or not.
OR...you may find that not the oral sex per se, but a relationship with a fellow man, was the key that was missing your entire life and you now want to go about exploring how you can make that a more vital part of your life in the future. Should that be the case, I would strongly suggest talking with your wife about what happened. We cannot blame people for having experiences that blow their minds away and change their entire world view. Sometimes, in fact, that is the best thing that could happen to them. But we *can* expect people to behave with integrity and honesty to those they profess to love, even if it is oftentimes easier said than done to behave this way.
Finally, what happened to you may fall anywhere between these two scenarios I’ve mentioned and that’s fine too. As long as you can look at what happened unflinchingly and make sure, if it confuses you some more (as it might very well do) you try and work things out--by thinking thiongd through more carefully, by talking things out with a trusted friend or adviser, by writing to me, by going to a therapist--instead of allowing yourself to be overpowered by it.
Good luck and best wishes!
MG Holmes
(BodyMind Vol. 5 No. 1 - First posted: 5-13-01)
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