MY INFERTILITY EXPERIENCE

Since I was a small child, I always wanted to be a mother. I had lots of baby dolls. I would dream of holding them in my arms and rocking them to sleep. I had lots of names. Both boys and girls, but more girls. I have always wanted a girl. A sweet precious daughter to dress in pretty lacey dresses. Bows in her hair. LIttle earring. Tiny little finger nails painted in pink.

When I got married I thought my dream would come true. After three months of marriage, I missed a period. After three months of a missed period, it came. This would go on and on through out my marriage. Would it happen this month? Could I be? I am late. Nothing. So in spring of 1995 we went to our first ob/gyn that dealt with infertility. The problem he determined was my period. They were always late. So I started clomid. Your emotions once you are on a pill that can cause your to ovulate and maybe concieve, are wild! Is this the month??? You think "If i get pregnant this month, I would be due in November. Oh a Christmas baby. You think of gifts you will get. You think of gribs and baby furniture. But as the time comes for your pregnancy test, it is negative. The pain that grips your heart. You struggle to smile and say "oh well, next time" But in your heart you are crying.

We continued to go to the doctor for 3 months. Due to his lack of brains (LOL) and my sanity, we stopped. We didn't feel like there was any hope. I think it was the dr. He rushed into everything. Do that, do this. All without proper testing. So we move on. We watch as friends babies are being born. We watch as teenager are becoming pregnant with no concern for the life inside of them. We hope and pray that any day we will receive the news.

In April of this year we started up again. I wanted the year 2000 to be my year to have a baby. We started going to a new ob/gyn that had experience in infertility, Dr. Alan Wagner. I didn't know at the time of my first visit that my life would be changing soon. I had the dye test to see if my tubes were open, and they were. I had the endo biopsy to see how the uteren lining was. And it was ok for conception. Now let's start clomid! I didn't think that one month of clomid would do anything. I expect to be on it for atleast 3 to 4 months before anything, if not longer.

On Aug. 9, 1999 we found out I was pregnant after 8 years of trying. You just can't imagine the joy we had. I bought the book "What to Expect When You Are Expecting" I started eating right. The whole nine yards. The doctor warned me that since it took us so long to concieve, not to get too excited because there could be complications. In side I was saying, "Not me. The Lord wouldn't let me become pregnant after all of this time for me to lose it"

The doctor started taking blood for hcg numbers. After many days of testing, my numbers weren't doubling as they should. The praying started. I couldn't sleep at night. I would wake up in panic thinking I was going to lose the baby. I would lay as my body shook with fear of the little being inside of me that could be gone in a second. I didn't eat, fear prohibited it. I couldn't work much, my mind wondering off to what was next. One night a guy was being a jerk and had upset me. I though to of saying "Sir, I am about to lose a child, please shut the hell up!" But I didn't. I kept quiet and wept inside. I was finally at the point to where I could have an ultrasound. Dallas and my Mom went with me. As I sat in the radiology waiting room, I prayed that they would see something so the dr would stop all the blood test. (I had blood taken every other day) They finally called us. My legs weak with anxiety, I walked down that hall to the room. As I layed on the table I watched as the tech went searching through my uterus to find our little joy! She had no expression as she did it. I questioned things, really no answer. Then, she was done. Thank God we knew one of the heads of radiology. Dr. Papp came in and told us the uterus was empty. Sadness, anger.....WHY????? As I drove to the doctors office I knew what layed ahead. A d and c. The ultrasound did show some tissue that must be removed.

Aug 30, 1999 was the day he scheduled the d and c. I have alwasy had fears of elevators and hospitals. But it wasn't bad at all. I didn't get sick or anything. Doctor told Dallas after it was over that no pregnancy tissue was found! Another road block. He said not to worry until the hcg number came back to see where they were at. Sure enough it was still rising. Somewhere in my body was the cells that was trying to live. But where? If it isn't in the uterus it could be life threatening. The doctor didn't think it was in my tubes. My next hurdle was a chemo shot called Methotextrate. It has been used since 1982 for tubal pregnancies. This shot would disolve the cells. I had to go to the hospital to get it. As the nurse poked it into my hip, a tear appeared. My baby will be go forsure now.

The shot is working as of today. My numbers are almost gone, last time at 16.2 from 3,022. There was 3 weeks of my life that I was pregnant. I will never forget it. For 3 weeks I was going to be a Mom. Dress my daughter in lacey dresses. Put bows in her hair. Paint her nails pink. But for now she/he is with the Lord. I will try again soon.