"Never knew quite what to make of my diagnosis when it first happened. I felt like I became a wholly different person. This says a lot about what I was going through at the time..."

Never will I feel this way again.
What once was whole,
Now sundered and undone.
My life again, reborn, yet at an end.
With birth comes pain,
And with the pain comes longing for a past,
A time gone by, to never come again.
Reborn, once more
To a world I never made.
To have my life back,
With old sorrow, old pain,
Or to be reborn,
New sorrows, new pain
New struggles to outweigh the past,
New attitudes to consider.
Did a part of me die?
Or was it just replaced?
Is life over?
Or has it just begun?
Is it a new me?
Or just an old one in a new form?
Someone help me to understand
For a part of me is gone
Replaced forever by a shadow
With a new part emerging
When life seems at an end.

Who do I like more,
The old me or the new?
The new is stronger,
More direct, more penetrating,
More sincere, more in depth.
The old more sensitive,
More understanding, more naive,
More the dreamer, more nostalgic.
It only takes a little time
To discover who is new
And who was there all along.
Though life is just beginning,
Maybe somethings were meant to die,
And some are better off dead
And some should just let go.

I am young, yet experienced,
Aged, yet naive,
And though my life is over now,
A new world's just begun
And with every end, there is a new beginning.

1994

Cyd, in 1998, is just 25 years old.

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