When we develop a chronic illness, it seems to me that we get caught in a cross fire between drug and/or miracle protocols and people who tell us we can "think" ourselves back to health. I don't buy the idea that "attitude" alone will cure anything. There are just too many "X" factors, for one thing. However, I do find that attitude can *help*, if in no other way than by improving one's ability to cope.

(If desire and determination were all that was required to attain a state of physical well-being, I'd be on top of the world, doing the things I so loved to do and which I miss every day, every minute, with a longing that is so intense it's a physical ache.)

I've looked upon many phases of my life as a time when I had a certain "job" to do. My "job" has been, more or less sequentially, to be a good daughter, a good student, a good wife, a good mother, a good employee. I've tackled these "jobs" with absolute dedication. Now, it seems to me, my "job" is to be as healthy as I can be, and to adapt to what I cannot (for the moment) change. So in a sense *I* have become my "job", and this job merits as much dedication as any other. So I don't view it as selfish that I make myself one of my key priorities. After all, my well-being will affect not only myself but my family and those others for whom I care.

Further on this theme, I feel that my attitude towards my illness is of key importance. I can rail against it, ask "why me?". I can surrender to it and say "OK, this is how I am defined", or "This is what I have become." or I can decide that I will accept what is while working at *changing* what is. I can opt to "ride" the flow of this river, instead of trying to paddle upstream, while at the same time determining that I will steer myself back to healthy shores if at all possible, as soon as possible. I have "decided" that if I have *any* say in the matter, I will not remain sick for the rest of my life. I don't believe in "mind over matter", but I sincerely believe that in accepting that coping with this disease as well as I can, and getting as well as possible, I can focus all the positive energy I can muster on establishing the best possible mental environment in which to grow positive attitudes and a cautious optimism. For one thing, I am trying to free myself of a veritable bevy of 'shoulds'...I SHOULD mop that floor, I SHOULD attend this or that function, I SHOULD be doing more with my kids...yet I know darned well that doing these things, no matter how much I want to do them or feel I SHOULD do them will only compromise my health.

(I use the word "illness", a term to which many seem averse, for two reasons: first, it serves the purpose, and second, until someone comes up with a better definition, to my mind that's exactly what it is; for me to insist otherwise would be to lapse into denial, which is not an emotionally healthy place for me to be. I prefer my truth "straight up, no ice"; I was never any good at dancing around plain fact, so it is far better I face the demons. It's amazing how often they wither away as soon as I look them in the eye! It's why, for example, I rarely use euphemisms. For me, once a truth is spoken, a demon "named", it loses most of its power.)

By freeing myself of 'shoulds" ...... and of resentment, bitterness, anger, denial, helplessness, hopelessness... I can devote my very limited energy to establishing myself in a quiet mental/emotional "place" where I can find the peace I need to work consciously at making the best of the situation. To that end, I allow myself to indulge in small pleasures, refuse to feel guilty for things out of my control or beyond my capabilities, and purposely avoid anything stressful that I can while cultivating or seeking out anything that promotes a more peaceful state of mind.

I have had to admit is that while I have lost (or perhaps temporarily misplaced) a great deal, I have gained something of tremendous value. I've discovered a tenuous inner peace (something I didn't have time for when I was healthy). I've had time to reflect on spiritual matters and discover where my head is at in terms of myself as a being, a separate entity, not a do-er, not someone else's ______ (fill in the blanks). I've learned to take great delight in the simplest of pleasures where before it took something pretty spectacular to catch my attention, let alone amuse or please me. I no longer feel like I'm in a hurry. I no longer have the sensation (and I suppose this is strange, all things considered) as if time were slipping through my hands. This disease enforces a new pace; by not resisting it, I have discovered that there really isn't any good reason for living life in high gear. I hope...in my heart I *believe*...that one day I will be well. And I pray that when that day comes, the lessons I've learned, especially over the past three years, will stay with me and make the rest of my life much more fulfilling and give it real meaning.

---

Last Updated: June 23, 1998
Webmaster: Soft Silver Wolf
© 1993 The Way of Nature